My two brothers, sister and I moved my parents into assisted living when my mom asked for help at age 97. She was primary caregiver to my dad, 101, with a colostomy and macular degeneration. My mom broke her hip shortly after moving into assisted living and died from complications.
My dad sits by himself all day. He doesn't watch TV or join activities because he's legally blind but is mentally very sharp. He goes to the dining room for breakfast, skips lunch but gos for dinner. I live 40 miles away, visit him several times a week, do his laundry and call him every night. My brother lives closer and visits 1x week. Other brother lives out of state but does come and visit every day while in town and calls Dad most days. My daughter lives close, takes her young kids to visit several times a month and calls sometimes.
My sister lives 20 minutes away, visits once every few months and calls Dad less than once every few months. She also has 4 adult kids who do the same.
Dad is very lonely; mom and dad were married 74 years. The whole family gathered at our parents' home for all the holidays and summers visits and we are all close and get along well.
When I talk with Dad, in person or on the phone, he enjoys talking and my brothers and I often ask him about one of his favorite subjects just so he'll carry the conversation and be involved (even though we've heard most of his stories many times. ;-))
How can I get my sister and her kids to at least give him a call?
One time I asked my sister right out: "Why don't you call dad?" And she replied, "I don't know."
It is my experience that the only one I can control is myself. I can try to guilt, nag, scream and beg but I cannot make someone do what they don't want to do.
I watched mom miss her son until she got lost further in her dementia. I tried to examine to my brother that she missed him and wanted to see him.
This is something he will have to live with. I am doing my part by being her care giver. I want the finality to be something I can live with.
Again, I am sorry you have to see this void in your father. I just said a prayer for you all.
Maybe she doesn't Ike to see or think about him like that so it's a kind of out of sight out of mind thing.
You can't make her, you can only ask her or tell her Dad wanta to hear from her.
Sad that your Dad couldn't live with one of his children as that would be best.
You might line of a Chaplain to see your Dad every day.
Check with your Church and see if they have members who volunteer to visit.
Do they have things for him to do where he is living?
Maybe he could start a group chat.
Bring him things to do like clay modeling since he is legally blind.
Bring him a harmonica and see if he can play a tune.
Bring him Audio Books and Music to listen to.
If he likes pets, Would they allow a petlet him ha stay in his room,, like a cat to keep him Company?
Thanks for your thoughts.
I agree, he seems to be making his world smaller; he's ready to be with Mom. I tease him we don't come with an on/off switch!
Thanks for your thoughts.
hugs to you both!!
and courage!!
i’m sending love to all us caring people and our loved ones.
dear adnerb,
you said you gave up on your brother. i totally understand.
i’ve done the same with my siblings (after i told them off; i do want them to know that i feel their behavior is terrible; they should hear it; not get away, without hearing my anger)...
i think many of us want justice.
let’s hope there’s justice.
let “karma”, or whatever your belief is, take care of it.
hug!
don’t let our siblings (or others) turn us into angry people. on the contrary, try to shine/blossom/thrive...so that even our siblings wonder, “what?? how’s that possible?”
depending on the degree of neglect/injustice/dumping it all on you to do the caring, some of these siblings actually do want to destroy our lives. some siblings are doing it intentionally, trying to get you mad/frustrated...not saying thanks for what you do...not contributing/helping.
courage!
dear mismuffet,
amazing your father is 101. i’m sorry for the loss of your mother! hug!!
your father...i hope he can have things to look forward to. we all need that. plan some nice future thing.
:)
i totally understand your father not actively mentioning your sister, regarding calling, etc.
also it’s very different if he calls, or she calls him.
it can be painful for parents. they might not say it, but they’re very aware which child is doing/caring, and which child isn’t.
hug!
i wish all of us on this forum, courage, luck and i hope you’re all ok!!
one step at a time.
regarding siblings: my approach indeed is “forget about them”.
let “karma” take care of the rest. and if “karma” doesn’t exist, do your best in any case to be happy/thrive and make your parents happy.
hug!!
bundle of joy :)
All the best to you and your dad.
Enuf of one doing it all: I’ve been in your shoes and it will wear you down ( or worse) if you don’t get the help you should have! I said it in my 60s & I still say it in my mid/80s: YOUR LIFE has to come first. You can’t care for others if you don’t care for yourself first.
When dad was so bad, I took a sabbatical from it and called a nearby church for anonymity and asked if I could have one assigned as I needed the support. This would be a wonderful thing for him to have as they can just listen to him, read to him, etc. if he has spiritual things he wants to talk about they can listen there and also pray for and with him. I hope you will consider this as you can’t get water out of a stone (your sister).
Perhaps your sister could do better at calling if she had an agreed day/time she would phone each week, same with her children maybe once a fortnight.
Unless she has a reason for not calling which you don't know about??????
Even without your sister your father sounds to be getting good "attention" from the family. Talk to the facility about activities he could be involved in even with poor vision - this is not a rare event and they should be taking people's "disabilities" into account.
A voice activated device such as Amazon's Echo would enable him to listen to music or radio providing the facility has Wifi in its rooms.
Also, the social activities staff invites Dad to join in and he says, No, thanks.
Thanks for your sharing your thoughts.
It’s infuriating and you have every right to feel the way you do. You know your dad deserves better.
The first thing I thought of when I read about your dad, was books on tape. Get him a great pair of comfortable headphones and set him up with interesting books perhaps?
You’re a great daughter, know that deep down. Unfortunately your sister has other issues that only she can tackle. I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t force someone to feel empathy. Just keep being the loving daughter that you are. Good luck to you.
hug!! i totally understand you.
and i agree:
it’s not possible to force someone to be empathetic.
when they answer “i don’t know”...
what they actually mean is:
they’re a liar, they do know. it’s because they’re selfish, don’t want to be bothered (out of sight, out of mind), if they have to face their parents/see the difficulties, then they suddenly might have to contribute and do something.
but you’ll hardly hear someone say:
”the reason i do X is because i’m not a good person and i’m selfish. also, i don’t care about our parents. all my actions show that i don’t care.”
—by the way, i’m not saying this is true for everyone (that they don’t care, etc.)
hug!
courage.
forget about the not-so-nice people around. try to find the nice people.
bundle of joy :)
All you can do is try talking to your sister and her kids about it. If they don't come around, there's nothing you can do.
You might not be able to inspire or change them.
You could meet your sister or her children at your father’s home sometime and try to draw them into the conversation and his world. Maybe when you are visiting you could place a (previously-scheduled call on speakerphone.
You could also devise some type of schedule and ask family members to “sign up” so that your Dad has at least one contact or visit everyday. Ask people to participate in any events or activities at his home. Each interested family member could read to him (in person or on the phone) a chapter of his favorite novel or discuss the day’s news and current events. Sign Up Genius is easy to use and will send e-mail reminders. (Of course, you don’t want the people who are already contacting him to fall away, so maybe things are better as they are).
Be gentle with your “ask” so as not to damage what is left of any relationships. Your relationship with them might not be worth strengthening if they are not willing to find time for your dad.
if your Dad is perfectly fine with the way things currently are—and not upset about this lack of contact, leave “well enough” alone. It might hurt his feelings more if they show up to just sit in a chair on their electronic devices, or if they call once and are clearly distracted or disinterested.
Maybe these relatives and your Dad don’t get along — or just don’t quite “click.” Getting together could be more stressful for him than living with their absence. Don’t remind him of this potentially painfully lack of attention if he is not focused on it.
if your dad needs entertainment, podcasts might be enjoyable.
You do get to change how you deal with it.
You visit when you can. You call when you can. After that LEAVE IT ALONE.
If she does not visit or call that is on her NOT a reflection on you.
If her kids don’t call or visit that is on them as they are adults.
What I would do is see if there is a way to get the facility to get dad more involved. Do they have someone in charge of activities that can get him and I would guess there are others that need help getting involved.
You can find out if there are volunteers that would visit.
You could, or dad could pay for a companion to come once or twice a week. If dad is involved in a church or religious group do they have people that would come in and visit.
Basically that is the answer. We can't change someone else. Your efforts were well meaning and you tried. You did say that she does visit and call, just not very much. Who knows what makes others tick?
When we moved mom to MC, I also tried to encourage YB to join us for special meals (holidays, free cookouts, etc) and special occasions. Mostly I would text him, because they wanted a head count. It reached a point where it was more stressful trying to get ANY kind of answer from him that I just stopped asking.
She was over 90 by then. I retired early after being laid off, so I could manage things and visit her. She really couldn't use a phone (really bad hearing and generally didn't call to chit chat), so I didn't set her up with one. He is 10 years younger and most likely she would pass on before he retired, so why couldn't he visit? Who knows. OB isn't local, so the few times he traveled here I encouraged him to visit. He was fine during the last trip (there were only a few, lasting a week or a bit more) when we went together. I sent him there one morning before we went to work on her condo. Bring her DD coffee and a muffin, she loves those. One day it was too late for another condo run, so I suggested he go see her, knowing it would likely be the last time he'd be around. Nope. Flat out refused, said he didn't know what to do with her!
It is so sad to have them feel this way/do this. She absolutely lit up that first day we visited, when she saw him! Typically my greeting was "What're you doing here?" and "Where'd you come from?"
As far as I know YB wasn't visiting after I stopped inviting him to the functions. Since she didn't have a phone, he wasn't in touch at all. Even sadder was when she'd ask me if I'd see or heard from one or the other, to which I could only reply 'not recently.' At some point she stopped asking.
So sad to lose your mother/his wife. Clearly you all cared about each other and you all miss mom too! It is great that the others in the family stay in touch and visit with your dad. 101! Wow, the stories he must have! Please give him an extra hug or two from me and thank him for his service! My dad was a Marine in WWII.
(P.S. "I will strive to mind my own business." - while I wouldn't harp on her, if you happen to be visiting or talking with her, you could slip in a little reminder, saying how much dad LOVES to hear from you all, and then let it go. If she gets upset, then don't repeat it later. If it results in a call, great! If not, no harm.)
Thanks, everyone, for taking time to comment.
That was so sweet of you to speak with her. You became her surrogate granddaughter 😊. It may have been only a few minutes of your time but I am sure that it meant the world to her.
I was like this when my grandmother was getting weaker. She lived close by so I did come by every other week. But I noticed I called less often. I didn't avoid her but somewhere in my mind I felt like she was going to be gone soon and it was my way of preparing for it. There's no way to prepare for losing someone really, and I was never like "I'm going to call her less often so I can get ready". It wasn't a set decision I made; it occurred to me later on. So if your sister is doing the same, she may indeed not know why she doesn't call much.
Or... she doesn't feel the need to call or visit much because you and other siblings are already there for him.
She knows she should do more, but isn't doing it.
I told my grandma that everyone else saw her at my mom and dad’s house. She replied, “Well, you see me at your mom and dad’s house and you still come to my house.” She wasn’t trying to put her other grandchildren down. Sometimes, she was lonely after grandpa died. She wanted me to know that she appreciated my visits. My grandmother was so very sweet. She always had cookies and ice cream! She was the best cook in Louisiana and I absolutely adored her. She taught me her cooking secrets when I asked her to show me how to cook. Has your dad said that he is lonely or are you assuming that he is very sad and lonely?
Grandma didn’t tell too many stories. She didn’t reminisce very much. She was more of a ‘present day’ kind of person. When she did visit the past. she didn’t ruminate. She made her point and moved on. I loved that about her. She loved crocheting and knitting.
Is there anything that your dad enjoys? I know that he has vision issues but does he like music or audiobooks? Podcasts? Since he likes to tell stories, do you think that he would like to record his favorite memories? One of my friends took a class to write her memoir. She loved it! She isn’t married. She has no children. She has had an interesting life. She enjoys writing and did this for herself. Maybe he could tell his stories and recruit other elderly people to share their stories too.
When my mom was living with me, she would complain about not seeing my siblings. At first. I was empathetic and I asked them to visit and call more often. They had excuses, so I let it go. When mom bought it up again, I told her to call them. Once in awhile she would call them. I think she felt somewhat abandoned because she was very close to her mom and they spoke and saw each other often.
I don’t think that you will get anywhere by harping on the topic of calling or visiting more often. They may see it as laying a guilt trip on them, even if that is not your intention. Accept the situation for what it is. Accept your sister’s response. She told you that she doesn’t know why she feels as she does. Let it go.
I can tell you that I absolutely hated being placed in the middle of my mom and my siblings. It’s a terribly uncomfortable place to be. I refused to pump my siblings for information when mom would hint for me to call and ask them something. I immediately told her to call if she wanted to chat about something. Once I made that clear, she stopped asking me to call them.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Dad always fixed everything and was an avid reader, wanting to learn more. We have tried audiobooks and podcasts, tried an Alexa. My daughter does record his stories about WWII, growing up the baby of 9 kids, etc.
Fortunately, although he is lonely he remains a positive person and never complains. And, as several others have mentioned, he lost his lifetime love and no one can replace her. So we talk about Mom alot.
My brother has also told me I can't change my sister's choices and everyone here agrees. So, I will accept what I cannot change.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Your father isn't just lonely, he's missing the half of himself that nobody can replace. I'm sorry for his and all of your loss, your mother must have been a fabulous lady.
And my dad would never complain about my sister and kids not calling him. And I will be very careful not to ruin my relationship with my sister.
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.
Miss Muffet was my mom's childhood nickname for me.
And my mom was literally an "early bird"!
I will strive to mind my own business.
Thanks, everyone, for taking time to comment.
You're doing the best job YOU can do for your father. Leave it at that and let the chips fall where they may with your siblings. I know how hard this whole situation is, trust me, and you have my sympathy.
Your dad's facility should be cognizant of his vision issues and be able to include him in activities. My mom has macular degeneration and can see almost nothing, but her MC had her out with everyone else for activities anyway. Someone sat with her for bingo, they did daily trivia she could participate in, and she was certainly able to do the morning exercises. Believe me, your dad is not the only person in there with vision issues.
Focus on what can be fixed, and your sister isn't one of those items.
I think some of that is since Mom died he quit his daily walks (they did it together) and he is slowly declining. Part of it is, also, that he is mourning.
But, like you and others have said, I can't change my sister's behavior.
Thanks for your comments.
Some people are chatty and enjoy keeping in touch with others, family or not.
Some can go years w/o contact and don't care. My OS is like this. She NEVER calls me, she's not mad or anything, it's just not on her radar.
My DH can go on a business trip for weeks at a time and not contact me.
True--the communication goes 2 ways and sometimes you have to be the instigator, even if it's not comfortable.
I've never called my sister and she was angry that I did so. She's always willing to talk or go do something together, she just doesn't think of it.
My mother only calls if she wants something, NEVER just to check on us.
I talked to both of my grandmas nearly every week until they died. Nothing big, just chatty conversations and I am SO grateful for those memories of long talks with them.
You can't make someone care. My MIL never calls my DH and he reluctantly calls her every couple of months, maybe.
Thanks for your comments.
And, yes, her kids know how much Grandpa loves hearing from them. They enjoy it also, when it happens.
Guess I need to mind my own business!
Why doesn't your Dad call your sister and his grandchildren? Even blind people can use the phone to make a call.
My former mil used to whine that I never called, but she did not pick up the phone. When I told her phones work both ways, she had any number of excuses.
My Mum complains endlessly that my brother doesn't call, I don't blame him, she is a negative nelly. But when he does call, she does not mention it. When I suggest she call him, she says, she should not have too. Really?
But most importantly MissMuffet, it is not up to you to meddle in the relationship between your sister and Dad, nor the grandkids and grandpa.
And Dad is not the one complaining; he amazes us with his positive disposition. It's me who feels bad for his loneliness but you are right, Tothill, I guess I need to stay out of it.