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Sister lives 10 quick minutes away and doesn’t come to pickup mom or give me scheduled time off. She calls mom for 10 seconds a day. No real conversations. I’m sick of my sister but my mom has asked her to come see her and she still doesn’t come. Any suggestions?

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Your sister doesn't participate in your mother's care, and neither do you have to. You can't make other people do things that they don't want to do. Same with grandchildren.

What are your mother's finances like? Can she afford a facility? Can she qualify for Medicaid? Are you her POA/HCPOA?

What type of tasks do you have to for her, and how much time does it take?
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You love your Mom.
You took on being Mom's caregiver.

The kinda blunt truth of it is you have chosen to do this.
Chosen because... It felt right..? Based on your moral compass (my guess - as many other big-hearted folk do).

This of course does not mean you have to do it all, with no help from anyone.

These things make sense to me;
1. Each family member will choose how much they can help.
That is up to them.
2. Time arrises when care needs exceeds what family can do (aka informal supports)
3. Non-family help can be explored: homes services, sitters, personal care aides etc (aka formal suppoets).

It takes a village. This is said relating to raising a child, but I think it applies for elder care too.

If your sister isn't up to the task, look elsewhere. Start the search & collect your 'village' helpers.
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The simple answer here is that you can't get your sister to help. Period.
You made your choice to move mom in your home and care for her(why I don't know)and your sister has made her choice to not help and live and enjoy her life.
It sounds like you perhaps have regretted your decision to move mom in and are now jealous because your sister is living and enjoying her life while you're strapped down to care for your mom.

The good news here is that neither one of you have to care for your mom. You can start looking into assisted living facilities where mom will get the help she needs and be around people her own age and have fun, and you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate and not her caregiver.
And as always if money is an issue, mom can apply for Medicaid.

It's time for you and hubby to get your lives back so you can start enjoying the only life you have and will ever have.
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As others have posted, neither of you is obliged to take care of mom. Looks like mom didn’t plan or save for her own eldercare, and you’re on the hook. Since you don’t have to be, start looking for options that don’t include your sister. If she hasn’t helped by now, she never will.

As for sis calling to talk with mom, sometimes there’s not much to say to a dementia patient. They don’t won’t or can’t converse like normal people. Sis may not wish to carry on a convo that seems like a waste of time. Sad, but that’s how it is.

I hope you find help somewhere soon. If it’s possible to place mom in a facility, that would be a whole lot better for you and be much more interesting for her than sitting around your house.
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You cannot change other people. It is best just to let this go as there is enough on your plate.
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For once, every single response here makes total sense! Bravi, bravi, tutti!

When, oh, when will martyrs STOP already with the whining about a sibling who doesn’t want to get trapped, strapped, and hog-tied to fooling with a senile parent? You wanna ruin your own life, trash your remaining years on this planet? Fine, have a party, and apply for sainthood…but respect, please, the sibling who chooses to say, “count me out.”

Not one damn thing you can, nor should, “do” about it.
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my2cents Sep 2023
a little harsh, anonymous??? people who care for that senile parent don't do it for martyrdom. They do it because their heart commands it. Doesn't mean it was the road they chose, rather the detour they could make no other choice over. I simply would never have been able to 1) not call my parent, 2) not visit 3) refuse to help any sibling if they asked. And I knew all my life that I would never let my parent live alone in some facility as long as there was a breath in my body.

With that said, you're right that you can't make someone help you, however... it certainly doesn't mean the caretaker child should not be able to expect just a tad bit of assistance from time to time. The sib that can do that didn't just toss the old senile mom to the curb, they tossed their caretaker sibling as well. I mean, who can watch their own sibling struggle to care for a mutual parent and not lend a hand here and there. As a caretaker, it is certainly frustrating but far more than that, you find out exactly who your sibling really is. A little help here and there is not exactly trapped, strapped and hog-tied. And those who refuse to help the sib who is helping the mom???? They rightfully dip a little on the respect scale.

As others have said, caretaker won't ever really resolve the conflict from the sibs that refuse to help, you just learn to deal with it. Mom will always want to see all her kids, so you don't want to mess that up for her. No point in discussing with mom. Trust me, she already knows those other kids were never going to take her in or be there in the role of caregiver. She landed in the right place.
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I feel for you, and am in the same boat. I, however, resent being called a martyr and a whiner because I choose to care for mom. My mom not only raised us, but she was here for us throughout our lives, and even provided free home daycare for my brother’s children. I’m not trying to “apply for sainthood”. I’m just trying to do what I feel is right by mom. My brother will never step up (until money is being disbursed). My solution has been to hire in home caregivers. I absolutely had to do it. I hope you can find the help you need, and I wish you all the best.

PS. Sometimes help comes from unlikely places. My brother’s ex wife of 15+ years has stepped up to help. SHE remembers everything my mom did for her kids.
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lkdrymom Sep 2023
Choosing to help your mom does not make you a martyr. Expecting everyone else to help you fulfill your promise (and then getting upset when that doesn't happen) does. I am assuming you are not demanding your brother's assistance and that you have resolved to look elsewhere. So not the martyr here. You are just doing what needs to be done to get the job taken care of.
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If she hasn't helped all this time, it's not gonna happen. Sad and frustrating. And it is painful to know you have a sibling who doesn't at least see that just a few hours of week would help YOU. If mom has any savings at all, start tossing it toward some in-home help for you. If she has a house or property, sell it to cover more assistance for her.

If she sold a house to move in with you or you moved to her house - that might be a problem with sis. Some siblings think you reaped the benefit so you deserve what you got. Not sure what your situation was, but if mom has money put up --- use it for help.
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Here's a completely different angle..

If your Sister was just like you, willing to home Mother & be her caretaker... there'd be a fight over Mother.

Mom shuffling with her case between your homes. Each wanting every single detail from the medical appointment the other attended.

The competition! The differences on care decisions!

I think Mom has an UTI, is looking jaundiced, has puffy feet, had a TIA - well I don't! We should get a new cardiologist & proceed with that heart surgery - we should let nature take it's course & avoid invasive surgery at all cost.

Everyone feeling sick now 😬😪

Maybe if it is any constellation, being the *lead* & your Sister kinda following/absent is OK...??
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BurntCaregiver Sep 2023
@Beatty

This scenario of yours is about as rare as getting struck by lightening and winning the lottery on the same day.

It just doesn't happen in families. Sure, you might get the concerned siblings who demand daily reports or even hourly updates on a parent but they always quiet down if the risk of them being pressed into service becomes real.

Most siblings back off if one has already jumped in the volcano and sacrficed themselves to being the caregiver.

I find that this suits the other sibs just fine so long as any potential inheritance from mom and dad is preserved by their sacrifice.
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You can’t.

You can’t make a person who is indifferent “nice”.

If you are content and comfortable doing what you are doing now, continue.

If you are not, hire help, using whatever financial resources your mother has, OR

examine available residential placements in your area and after placing Mama, visit frequently.

My recently deceased LO chose 2 very local relatives as her POAs.

One visited several times/week, provided for whatever her residence said was needed for her care and comfort, managed physicians, therapies, banking, SS.

One left town 2 months after her placement, wrote a monthly check for her room and board, and “visited” 2or 3 times a year, while periodically sending texts complaining about her care, without actually knowing anything about her care or condition.

This happens all the time. You will need to find ways to deal with it, or change it.
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No response from the OP. I suspect she only wants to know how to make her sister come to at least visit their mother.

There's no way to do that, OP.

I wouldn't make up white lies about your sister not coming to visit, either. If your mother keeps asking for your sister to come visit, I'd tell her to ask your sister herself during one of the daily phone calls.

Have you done that?
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Pangie Sep 2023
Yes. And she still doesn’t come.
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Whoever signed up for POA is the one responsible for taking care of mom. If others want to help fine…….if not there’s nothing you can say or do
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Do what you can do, get help from agency caregivers when needed, but stop expecting other siblings to think and do exactly as you do. Not going to happen. Each person has the right to choose what they can or can't do, but no one has the right to criticize siblings if they choose to think different. Free will.
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You can’t force someone to care. Your sister will have to deal with her feelings about not being there for her mother after she is gone. You put your head on your pillow at night knowing you did everything you could. Some people just don’t have it in them.

But what you can do is help yourself by hiring caregivers and using your mother’s assets to pay for it. I know some people whose siblings finally stepped up when they realized their inheritance would be used up if they didn’t pitch in.
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This is your sister’s decision. She is not going to do something she clearly does not want to do. If she doesn’t come to see your mother she doesn’t. Leave it alone and stop trying to fix it.

I have a sister who decided to back off. She decided to stop helping when my mother threw her walker at her. She was done. It does not help my situation but I can understand. To her credit she still does come to visit.

Make sure you have paid caregivers so that you have a life and leave your sister alone.
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I respectfully submit my answer. I have early onset Alzheimer’s, Im 56.
When it became clear that I couldn’t handle what was happening with my brain by myself, my son & daughter-in-law encouraged me to move 1000miles to their state where they could help me. It’s been 18 months & increasingly they’ve pulled back from helping me, even to the point of claiming my numerous doctors & neurologists have gotten every scan, assessment, testing session etc wrong, including the 2nd opinions who concurred with the original diagnosis.
All of that is to say, I have finally accepted that I can’t MAKE them want to help me through this time. I do get that it is overwhelming & different people handle it in different ways- some by completely avoiding it, some by doing all they can & some by being somewhere in between.
As a result, I am finding every resource available (including someone to help me find & apply for resources) so that I don’t burden them & so their last years with me hopefully aren’t full of resentment.
My son keeps asking why “this” (my diagnosis) happened to him & stating how unfair it is. While I REALLY want him to be in a different mindset, I can’t do anything about that. AND, I don’t think I can fully understand why it’s sooo difficult for him. Maybe because I was ALWAYS such a rock of strength & a caregiver for others- it may be hard for him to accept & see me like this…. I don’t know that I’ll ever have the answer of why it’s hard for them.

So, maybe there are resources to give you & your family a break. There are even people who will volunteer their time to come & be with someone who has Alzheimer’s for a while & maybe they can do that while you do what you need to for a little while.
I wish you the best
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Animallovers Sep 2023
I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. I suspect that someday I too will have to arrange for my own care as well since I don’t have children or a spouse. In many ways helping my mother now is teaching me a lot about what I will need to do. You are an inspiration and I hope I can be as forward thinking about my needs as you are. None of us can know what our situation will truly be when we reach the point of needing help even when we have family!
I wish you all the best and thank you for your post.
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A tiger doesn't change its stripes.............please seek out a companion/care taker through Care.com and/or Visiting Angels.
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Good luck. My mother has lived with us for over 20 yrs. My sister who helped and lived close by, died of cancer this past year. My oldest brother won't come over unless he can bring his crazy dog and my other brother...too busy to stop by, maybe 1 or 2 times a month. " I own a company and don't have the time" He's on a golf course or at his private box at sporting events. She made him her POA because in her words, He's good with money. Sorry this topic strikes a nerve. My husband was an only child & grandchild. I really feel for him. I feel your pain. Again good luck ❤️
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I am afraid you cannot do anything about your sister. She is selfish and not caring. Cannot change that.
I hope you have Power of Attorney for your mom and not your sister.
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BurntCaregiver Sep 2023
@Concaregiver

Situations like Pangie's are not as black and white as you say.

It's not about being selfish and uncaring. People often work very hard for the lives they have. Them not being willing to have those lives blown up by taking on the care of needy family members does not make them selfish or uncaring.

The sister may be willing to help in other ways like financially. Or by taking on the process of finding homecare. Or by researching care facilities and getting the mother placed.
There are other ways to help. The most sought after help any caregiver wants is time and often this is the one help that others don't want to give.
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You cannot change other people. Proceed with best arrangements for your mother and yourself without other sister or family help. Your sister or other family will have to live with whatever decisions they make or not make. Continuing to try to convince, beg, coerce , explain to the other sister/ family just creates more anxiety for you and your mother. Stop it. Proceed with PCP referral to a Geriatric Case Manager usually licensed social worker who can assist you and your mother with in home support options or other choices to both help your mother and you.
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One thing that perhaps you could do is to take your mother around to see your sister, some time you know that sis is at home. It's only 10 minutes away. That's for your mother's benefit, not yours.
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you can't
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Pangie: Take your mother TO see her other daughter. After all, she's just ten minutes away. Don't give any more thought as to your sister's actions as that is on her.
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Most people do what they want to do and they don't do what they don't want to do.

You can't change your sister. What you want from her comes from her heart and you can't put it there.

My brother (deceased) was the same way. He lived about 1.5 miles away from me. He was only working about 10 hours a week and yet could only manage a phone call.

Age old problem.
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Unless Pangie can drop her mother off at her sister's for at least a few hours to get a break, chances are it will just be putting even more on Pangie's plate. How easy is it to bring your mother places, Pangie?
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You cannot make a sibling care for parent. You should puruse any government benefits to help pay for aid, and if parent has any assets, see a lawyer about you getting paid to provide help. You may feel awful doing this, but it is the right thing to do. If your siblings wont help, you need to see if you can hire help.
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There's nothing you can do. You can't force your sister into becoming a caregiver.
She doesn't want to and that is fine. Guilting or coercing her into it will make things even worse. Dropping your mother off at her house will do no good at all for any of you.

You and your sister need to have a serious talk. Tell her plainly that covering all of your mother's care needs is too much for you without help. The choice is either start helping out with the care, start contributing financially to pay for care (if you want to preserve any potential assets), or help find a care facility to place your mother in.

You made a mistake when taking your mother in to assume that your sister or anyone else would step up and help out with it.
It doesn't work like that.
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Fuzzman Sep 2023
Yes - I learned that the HARD WAY also.
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You can't "get" any one to do something they do not want to do.
So change your thought process on that.
Does mom have any funds at all?
If so use HER funds to pay for a caregiver that can come in and help you.
Maybe begin "charging" her for her portion of household expenses might help you as well. These expenses can be documented as part of her care. And you can pay yourself as a caregiver, again this is an expense for her care.
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You cannot force your sister.

If your sister had a good relationship with your Mom prior to all of this happening, then there might be a reason why she doesn't want to see Mom. It could be that she doesn't know how to talk to her, she doesn't have the patience with her or any number of reasonable reasons.

However, if your sister had a not so good relationship with your Mom, then there isn't a way to get your sister to contribute.

If you have a good relationship with your sister, you can talk to her about it. However, I doubt she will change.

You do have options, however.
1. If your Mom has the funds, hire a caregiver to help you out.
2. If your Mom doesn't have the funds, look into your state programs to see how they might help with the medical portion of your Mom's care.
3. Look into daytime programs for your Mom so that you get some relief.
4. Look into getting your mother into a Memory Care unit now.

Tough times ahead....
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Welcome to my world. It’s impossible to change siblings that won’t help carry the load. Selfishness is very heavy these days so don’t be surprised if your LO watches you suffer and don’t offer help. Accept it and move on. Look into hiring aides or caregivers to help you. Sister will get what’s coming to her at some point in her own life.
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