My 92-year-old mother-in-law has dementia and we care for her, although we have honored her wishes to remain in her home. She has now progressed to a point where she is no longer safe in her home but refuses to leave. We have durable power of attorney for finance and health. We have letters from her PCP and her neurologist stating she is no longer competent to care for herself. We live in Pennsylvania and we don't want to drag her from her home. How do we proceed? Any helpful advice is appreciated as we have battled with this situation for over 5 years. We have installed cameras, Jubilee TV, special telephones, once weekly professional caregiver, friend who also visits several times a week and, of course, our visits. We do her shopping, doctors' visits, bills, lawn care, food, etc.
You tell her a therapeutic fib, something like: the house has to be treated for black mold, or bugs, or her electrical needs to shut off while it's being improved, gas leak, etc). You can also work with the facility staff to carry on with the fib (they've done it before, they will be happy to accommodate).
Then once she's in, pat yourselves on the back for doing yeoman's work on her behalf. Don't visit for a while so that she acclimates. She will eventually not remember why she's there, and she may even enjoy it. If she talks about wanting to go home, you tell her she will need her doctor's approval first when she can demonstrate all her ADLs safely.
While she was eating lunch I had the movers I had hired ahead of time bring in her living room furniture so when she got to her apartment it looked just like her own place. She’s been there 10 months with no complaints and only the occasional question about if her house is ok which I assure her it is.
If POA needs a doctors letter to invoke it, get it. Its no longer what she wants but what she needs. And what you need. You are important too. Care giving has to work for everyone. Its no longer what she wants, its what she needs.
Talk with your spouse and get feedback from family. If you think memory care is the best choice, place her. She can be placed against her will. If homecare may be an option, try it. Good luck and keep us posted.
There is also the option of homecare. She will need live-in caregivers. I use the plural because it's never a good idea to have only one person responsible 24/7. The best bet (and I've been in this business a long time) is to hire two caregivers who either split the week or one is there the weekdays and the other comes weekends. Eventhough I own a homecare business, my recommendation would be to hire privately. Caregiver websites like care.com are a good place to start looking. You make the choice and check their backrounds out yourself. You can negotiate the pay also. It's cheaper than dealing with an agency. I'm going to tell you straight, weekend help is expensive even when it's a private arrangement. Through a homecare agency will be a fortune. This could be a good solution for your MIL.
It is the job of POA to be sure that the person is safe.
Because of that and her dementia YOU (or your husband if he is actually the one with POA) can legally make the decision to place her in a facility that can safely manage her care. That could be Memory Care of Skilled Nursing if she needs that level of care.
Being close and seeing family in person on a regular basis is good. My friend moved her great aunt close to her. She was happy. The place she was moved into has activities. She thanked her grand niece for her support.
Was it easy? No. But it was worth the work, knowing that aunt is close and much easier to navigate her appointments and other needs..
it was good for all involved..
please think about the options you may have; no more trying to keep a house and yard , and groceries, etc..
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