How do I cope with lying to my mother?

Her brain is lying to her already.

I've reduced my replies to a smile and a few stock answers: if it has to do with her traveling or others traveling to see her, I say "oh that's nice" or "yes, okay". Repeat as necessary.

If it has to do with a discussion between us, like what's up with her finances, I asked her if we can have the conversation tomorrow morning when I've printed out her bank statement and bills paid. She always asks when and I always say tomorrow at 9 am.

I was lucky enough to request her financial power of attorney back when she could still sign for it. It sounds like you definitely need the assistance of a lawyer for the elderly who can show you how to take that power in hand without her signature. She is past the stage of being able to understand the reason.
I've been handling all of her finances for 15 years now. During the first year of paying for bills without her assistance, I did print up a spreadsheet every month, this progressed to where I kept one spreadsheet and kept telling her it was a new one every month, then we got to my just handing it to her and she would glance at it and say okay never mind ... nowadays she's not speaking much at all.

I have found my wife doesn't have much reaction either way when I tell her things because her emotions have pretty much gone. Likewise, I don't react when she says something that is completely ridiculous except for maybe suggesting, did you mean so and so? And if you fear upsetting her, just don't tell her unless you have to. Tomorrow is a new day!

When someone is found to have dementia, it is best for that LO to have a POA established as well as MPOA or DPOA and Living will or Advance Directives. If these have not been done, please try to get them ASAP. It would be wise to set up as many payments as possible through direct payment from her checking account. This would prevent loss of health or house insurance, etc. Go online & show her the current statement so that she can see if bills are paid. You can always say something like "Wait a minute, I'll be right back" when she catches you off guard. That will give you a few seconds to think. Or you could cough, fake a sneeze, etc. Good luck!

CarylorJean: Imho, even though my mother was never dx'd with dementia, she had some strange behavior patterns in her elder years. She would say things like "I think my granddaughter's birthday is December 5." My response "Mother, you've known that her birthday is December 4 for 48 years." Mother "I think that person's name is Maltilda." My response "No, her name is Janice and you've known her for 75 years." So those are small errors. However, she used her COA's (Council on Aging) bookkeeper to balance her checkbook. So poor was this bookkeeper that she was off to the tune of $659 for 9 months. My mother's response "She'll balance on month # 10." My response "No, mother, she is finished."

Your question got a lot of good responses. I hope mine will help, too.

I cope with my husband's delusions by pretending to take them seriously, and reassuring him in a serious voice that all is well. He has zero short-term memory, so any conversations are forgotten within a few minutes anyway.

-- Yes, this is where you live. You are in the right place. No, you don't have to pay anything to stay here.

-- Oh, someone was supposed to come pick you up, and they're not here yet? Well, it's pretty late at night. I don't think anybody is coming. [Oh, yes they are! He was supposed to be here!] Well, we'll look into it first thing tomorrow morning. [Repeat, and embellish as needed].

-- Once, he told me, very anxiously, that he needed to get on a plane or a train to the United States. When I said we already live there, he would not believe me. I brought up a map of the U.S. on my laptop. He recognized the shape. I pointed to where we live. He said, "Are we going to stay here?" I said yes. That was what he needed to hear. Doesn't stop him from bringing it up again some other time.

-- Another time, he said he needed to the train station, to go someplace, he didn't know its name. I responded to the anxious emotion, not the nonsense. I said "Well, it's pretty late at night, the trains won't be running. I'll call for reservations tomorrow, OK?" That was what he wanted to hear.

-- The one thing I don't lie about, is when he asks for his mother or sister. To avoid endless questions about when he can go see them, I say right out that they have been dead for years. Once, I pointed out that if his mother were alive, she'd be 120 years old. But in his case, he seems to take this OK. If it ever upset him, I would come up with a fib for that, too.

Honesty is the best policy, until dementia strikes. There are ways to respond w/out lying, it takes time to adjust and use responses that will satisfy her. Just acknowledging what was said can work, but if it requires an answer, use a statement that will defer it. Don't try to argue or reason with her, most of the time it won't work.

The first real "thinking on my feet" happened 9 months after mom was moved to MC. She asked could I drop her off at her mother's on my way home. Her mother was gone at least 40 years by that time. I glanced at my watch, said it's a little late, not exactly on my way home, maybe tomorrow. She accepted that with OK. Then she asked if I had a key to her place, referring to a previous home (sold 25+ years prior!) I checked my lanyard and said not with me, I'll check when I get home. Again, OK, but stated she'd go stay there tonight if she had a key!

When she talk of others who were gone, I would primarily listen, or make non-committal responses. IF she asked about someone, like have I seen Mary recently, I could just say no, not recently. Not a lie, just doesn't say that the person is long gone!

As for finances, it may be too late to get that POA. It depends on the EC atty - mom already was in the early stages - we had POAs set up but had to do other legal things. The atty took her aside and questioned her, and when he was satisfied that she understood what she would be signing, he allowed it. Your mother may be beyond that at this point. So, the questions I have are:

1) What bills does she have?
2) What is her source of income?
3) Does she have to use any savings to pay bills?
4) Do you live together?

#2 is the most important. If her only income is SS, then the easiest solution is to sign up as Rep Payee. Call the local SS office and request this. I did NOT have to bring my mother with me when I applied. I brought lots of documentation with me, but they didn't look at anything. They ask questions and submit it. She'll receive notice that you've applied, but if you collect her mail, just hold it. Once approved, you set up a special Rep Payee account. The first payment will be a check, but then you can call the SS office and give them the routing/account information. You have to report yearly, but it can be done online through your own SS account and is not hard to do. Also, once approved, you are also privvy to her Medicare as well.

You should *NOT* be using your funds to pay her bills. YOU need that income yourself and presumably she has enough to pay, she just gets confused thinking she's already paid it!

Another option is to sign up for online access. This would be useful if there is another income source and/or savings needed to make the payments. This can often be done completely online - POA would be best, but we have to do what we have to do. The only other option would be to get guardian/conservatorship, which can be expensive, invasive and take time (expense would come from her assets, not yours.) If you can set up an online account, use the bill payer system to make the payments (I generally do not use the auto-pay/e-bill. I wanted the statements mailed, so I have records AND make the payments myself to ensure they are correct.) If she doesn't use email, set up an email account in her name, as this will be needed for the online system. IF you can do all this, then just take all paperwork (bills, bank statements, checkbook, etc) away. I did this when I had my brother take her out for the day - once all was gone, she basically forgot about it. If it comes up, some deferral (bills haven't come in) or fib (you don't have to pay these anymore, at your age!) Whatever works to keep her calm.

The goal is to avoid upsets, arguments, disagreements, accusations, etc. Deferring a real response takes practice, but you'll get better at it: haven't see the bills yet, they haven't come in yet, don't have to pay anymore, I'll look into it, whatever works.

Couldn't pare down my response enough to include this.

As for her anxiety or panics, consider a very mild dose of anti-anxiety med. My mother needed this during a UTI sun-downing episode. She was fine in the morning, but later in the day? Oh boy! Taken a little before it would normally start avoided it but didn't dope her up.

A dose before bed might allow her to sleep through the night. During the day, if her "episodes" happen later in the day, it is likely sun-downing and these meds can help (mom used Lorazepam, lowest dose, never caused any issues, no falls, no zombie-like result, just enough to take the "edge" off.)

As for responses, until you really get the hang of it, use the 10-second rule: let me think about it, giving you time to regroup and perhaps come up with something that is non-committal or satisfactory, without lying.

I have been "beaten down" and "not knowing about dementia". Well, that is not true. Unfortunately through years and years of dealing with people who do have dementia, I am all too well aware of what happens with people with dementia. It is horrible for them as they no longer have a functioning brain and have to live with all kinds of insane ideas. However, the fact is, they cannot be fixed to be "normal" much as we would like. And I assure you depending on each individual, their behaviors and beliefs can send their caretakers to the point of nearly jumping off the cliff - no matter what they do or don't do, nothing works and the frustration, with rare exception, builds up more and more and more until the caretakers are ready to snap and walk - and I don't blame them. Sometimes, again depending on each situation, the ONLY way to make the dementia patient stop is to "explode and tell them off". Why, because if the caretaker does not do this at least rarely, the anger and frustration is overwhelming the the caretaker starts to give up and be destroyed - and it is not their fault. Letting off steam at appropriate times relieves the building stress. There is nothing wrong with that. It has been tried and done when nothing else stops the patient from being on the attack. I tended to someone for 28 years and I speak from experience. That is not being cruel - it is saving the one there to help - the patient is "gone". Stop attacking people who speak the truth that others want to pretend doesn't exist. People who attack the caretakers for trying to save their own lives should shut up and go away. (See post below.)

Don’t think of it as lying to your LO. Think of it as living in her reality. As my mother’s dementia has worsened I struggled with not telling her the truth. But then a good friend told me to think of it as her reality. It would hurt her so much when she would ask where my dad was. Imagine how it feels the first time you are told someone you love has died. Well that is how she would feel every time she would ask and be told he had died. I did not want her to have to feel that anguish. Better to tell her he is busy at work and had to work overtime. When my brother died of cancer of course I told her and she attended his funeral. A few weeks later she was asking if I had heard anything from him. Now I just say he is busy or even hat he was in or will be in. I used to take her to lunch or dinner. The menus were a hundred pages long! She would flip the page and flip it back and it would be all new to her. She would order a desert and ask when it came who ordered it then precede to eat it all. Better to laugh than to cry. The little lies make her quality of life so much better. Who cares if it feels wrong to us to do it? It is all about keeping them happy. I bring in catalogs to her and have her shop for anything she wants. What I do order she never remembers asking for, so it is like Christmas when her order comes.

I worked at an adult day-care about 10 years ago. It was there that I first learned about therapeutic lying. I don't know anything else about it, other than the nurse and social workers both talked about it. You do and say what you need to do to put someone at ease or to make them less anxious. If it doesn't cause them now or future harm, go for it.

Fib-lets…. They are just Fib-let’s. In the overall scheme of things, how important is it .? It sounds like mom is living in her own reality . Dementia does that .. There is something called Anosagnosia. It looks like denial but it is not denial as we know it . They really believe the reality they live in . If you do not have a “Durable Power do Attorney” start working on it ASAP. That way you would be in charge of her financial things and medical decisions. If that is not possible you are going to have to do what you can to manipulate things … Maybe offer to help by writing checks for her bills and bring them to her to sign . I did this for quite a while , now my man doesn’t even know if we get bills or who pays them . I joined a CareTakers group , we meet on line. You can get information thru the ALZHEIMERS association. Dementia it an awful complex disease. I have learned to say simple things like , “ Really . “ , Oh, I didn’t know that . Hmmm, maybe tomorrow. I work very hard just to let him know I heard him, I don’t have to agree or disagree. Mom is not lying to you, it’s what is in her head … Her brain is broken .. It’s not that she won’t stop the stories , it’s what she believes. She can’t change what is going on in her head but you can change your reaction to her. I am 4 years into this now and my frustration has lessened dramatically. There are times we actually chuckle together . I no longer get as angry or frustrated as I did before. I’m tired because of how much more I have to take care of but appreciate the fact that I know when he is giving me a rough time it’s because he is having a rough time himself .. I hope this helps a little … Best advice in could give you is “Find a CareTakers” group…