I'm here to help both my dad and her but it seems she's always yelling at me or finding fault in what I do. Not to mention that I could never do as much as she has. Please can someone help? I love both my parents and only want to make things easier for her.
"'I'm 62 yrs old and I have sold my home and moved in with my parents in order to help my mom out with taking care of my dad. My mom is suffering from burnout syndrome, which is making life very difficult. I feel as though I can do nothing right in her eyes. When we talk she is always saying that I'm arguing, with her. She is always yelling or talking to me as if I were stupid. I'm starting to feel like any thing and everything I do is wrong or its not good enough in her eyes. Please help I am at a loss as to what I should or should not do. All I want is to help her with my dad and to attempt to make her life easier. "
I think you need to consider that your mother is not just burned out: she herself has the beginnings of dementia, as is evidenced in her uncharacteristic and irrational arguing. If I were in your situation, here is what I would do:
If you are your mother's PoA (both medical and financial)...
Great! You must read the document to see what authorities have been conferred on you and when they are active. Then, make an appointment for her with her doctor. Since she is argumentative, tell her a compelling "therapeutic fib" to get her to go, like, "Social Security (or Medicare) now requires an annual physical in order to keep receiving benefits". Whatever it takes to get her there. Go with her to this appointment (with the original PoA paperwork) with a pre-written note that you discretely hand to the staff explaining your relationship to your mother and that she needs to be tested for a UTI and have a cognitive exam. The results of these tests will give you an idea of how to better help her and what you're dealing with. At the doctor's office have your mother sign the HIPAA release form making your her Medical Representative.
If your mom has cognitive and/or memory impairment, you will need to decide if you are willing to provide both of their care personally for 2 people with dementia. Please go into this with your eyes wide open. Many on this forum have burned out trying to care for just 1 person.
It will be important to know their financial condition so that you know if there are options for hiring in-home care -- at least until there is a decision if an AL facility is a preferred option.
If you are not (or no one is) your mom or dad's PoA...
If your mom has only mild cognitive and/or memory impairment an elder law attorney would interview her to see if she can comprehend what a PoA is and does. So, she still may be able to create one this way. Or, you can go to LegalZoom.com or ROcketLawyer.com and download PoA docs that are specific to their state and follow the instructions to complete them (needing witnesses and a notary). At the end of the day if she won't or can't create a PoA then "someone" will need to be her legal guardian in order to manage her affairs. Pursuing guardianship through the courts can be expensive, and this should be covered by their assets, not yours. If you or no other family member pursues it, then eventually the county/state WILL need to do so in order for them to get care. You will need to call and work with social services through your county's Dept of Human Services and have them assessed for in-home help to start with.
"I love both my parents and only want to make things easier for her." My friend, it is not really about making things "easier for her" anymore... it is about finding and managing appropriate care for the both of them that doesn't come at the cost of your own well-being. I wish you much success in doing exactly this.
It’s just hard. I know that you want to help both of them.
It’s very hard for all of you. It sounds like your mom is taking out all of her frustration on you, which absolutely isn’t fair and certainly doesn’t help matters but unfortunately, happens in these circumstances.
Have you suggested other options to your mom? What about getting help from Council on Aging in your area?
Council on Aging will do an assessment and if your dad qualifies then you will receive help from an agency to help care for your dad. This would free up some of the pressure that is placed on you.
Have you discussed speaking to a social worker to help plan for his care in the future such as a suitable facility to care for him?
Also, there is respite care that may help your mom catch her breath again. Some assisted living facilities offer to care for a family member so the family can rest. Call and get the price and relay the information to your mom.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
My father is a Type II diabetic and suffered a serious stroke in late 2015 that left him 70% physically capable. My mother has been his primary caregiver since.
They were both hospitalized last year for complications due to COVID. My mom’s condition was much more serious and she had to be hospitalized a second time and undergo rehab for 3 months.
We required home health and 24 hour help for my Dad even with my presence in the household in her absence.
My mom returned after rehab and it has been a struggle to continue the same level of care she used to provide for him.
She was diagnosed with a recurrence of breast cancer a few weeks ago.
Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.