She's been living with my sister and I every other month for the past 13 yrs. Although, she just started paying $500 a month the past 3 yrs. We do everything for her. Meds, food, bathing, doctor visits, laundry, etc. She can't be left alone, so it's 24 hour care. We feel she should be paying more. It was difficult to just get her to agree on the $500. How should we approach this? We have 2 other siblings that aren't able to care for her.
It is fair that she pay for living expenses. But items such as gas, laundry detergent and food may only add up to $500-or less.
If, in fact, you and your sister cannot work/earn money outside the home because taking care of mom is a "full time job", it would be fair to ask mom for compensation.
But don't price it out hourly or per-service, or request an estimated sum of potential lost wages. Keep in mind, the two of you took on moms care willingly.
If she refuses, talk to a few agencies about the cost of home care
and make sure mom is there. She will be able to compare that potential out-of-pocket expense to the amount you requested, and may capitulate.
Do the other siblings live far away? If either is close enough, maybe they could do something to help even if it's not the 24 hr care in their own homes.
As for increase payment - is there a reason you both did the work for free and 10 years later decided to ask for pay? Was it because there really is an increase in what you pay out of pocket or you want to be paid for services? Just wondered about that part. If she needs 24/7 care, she probably can go to assisted living, but would she consider a nursing facility close to you and sis?
Other than a facility, I guess you could figure out what her own personal expenses are that you pay for out of your pocket for her. Then figure out what rent/mtg, utilities, groceries, etc are that everyone in the house uses and divide that amount by total number of people who live in your home. Maybe if you showed her that, she might be willing to up the pay.
Just $9 an hr is $512 a week.
Your Mom should be paying a Minimum of $500 a week.
Yiu should get a Home Health Care Provider to come out and give you an estimate fir taking Care of your mom 24 7 and they will quote anywhere from $15 - $25 an hr.
Show tgat estimate to your mom then tell her you'll accept $500 a week or she can try having a Caregiver instead and pay the higher amount.
Sorting out a viable future budget is more important than a big argument about an extra $200 a month!
When my sister became ill with cancer, I flew out to care for her several times, and Mom paid for the trip and the expenses because, as she put it, "You're going out there in my place. I'd go if I could, but I can't." Ditto when my cousin (Mom's goddaughter) became ill. Mom always took care of all of us when we were sick or needed help. She was just that way, and she was distressed that she could no longer do things like that.
Despite her kind and generous nature, Mom got very difficult to live with during the last couple of years that she lived with me, but I continued to care for her until it was no longer physically possible for me to do so.
I never wanted to charge her for my labors because she had done so much for me over my lifetime. And from a practical standpoint, I knew that she would need to have at least 2 months' worth of long term care expenses to fall back on during the Medicaid application process if it became necessary to place her in a facility. I didn't want to deplete those savings.
I guess it all depends on the family dynamics.
Lay out what you’re willing to do and for how much: let them know their realistic options. Your life comes first.
Since 24 hour care is impossible for one individual to do - as they must sleep too - outside help is also almost necessary for night duty in case the elderly needs attention during the night.
In that scenario, 8 hours a day of night duty alone to pay someone $9/hour x 8 hours x 7 days/wk = $504/week ... but there’s still the other 16 hours/ day that you and sister are caregiving and not yet compensated.
Can the other two siblings pitch in financially if not physically?
Can Insurance pay you at all?
This is a tough one and I commend you both.
Be sure to document all monies in case she needs governmental help as there’s proper ways to “spend down” her money according to them so she’s not denied any benefits of improper spending down which would require research.
God bless.
If being paid any amount there needs to be a contract in place with all withholdings properly documented. Then all income if over the IRS yearly amount reported as income.
Does mom have an attorney she has worked with? Is she competent? Do you have POA's in place? Make an appointment with an elder law attorney; have that person tell her about the cost of care.
What is the plan as she further declines? Have you promised to never put her into a facility? Does she have dementia? Is she mobile? Have you thought at all about checking into Medicaid eligibility?
LEGAL advice would be best, and getting a legit caregiver agreement would solve the Medicaid issue and IRS gifting, but could still have tax implications.
And if any modification to the house have had to be made she should pay for those as well.
Now to paying you. $500 a month is not nearly enough.
If she will not agree to increase that then start charging her for the above things I mentioned. This would increase your 500 by quite a bit.
And it sounds like she is able to make her own decisions so if she will not agree to this then you and your sister need to put up a united front and start looking for Assisted Living for her. Maybe once she realizes you are serious she might think better about increasing what she pays you
Increase in utilities could have been calculated by comparing to past expenses, but it being 13 years, there would be regular increases over time. However, since they are taking care of her every other month, then compare the month without her to the one with her, over a few months' time, and average it out (if possible, use old bills, esp for differences during winter and A/C times, although the increase in heat and A/C would not likely be impacted much by one additional person living in the home.) That would cover utilities and it isn't likely 1/3. Food is a little more difficult to calculate, but anything that only she eats/drinks should be purchased separately and she pays for it, along with other needs (meds, medical insurance, toiletries, incontinence products, etc.) A similar average could be done over a few months' time to figure out how much more is spent when she is living with you. Some gas money would be good to figure in as well, if you have to transport her to doctor, hospital, PT, etc., but keep it sensible and within IRS rules.
I mainly have a problem with expecting mom to cover 1/3 the cost of the mtg and house insurance. THOSE amounts will not change whether she lives there or not, and in the end YOU own it, not her. IF the housing is rental, then perhaps a portion of that could be charged to mom, but if they had the room anyway, it would be more like the mtg issue - you were paying it anyway. IF you moved to a larger unit to accommodate mom, then it would be reasonable to charge the difference in cost to mom.
Care is a whole different issue and should be calculated carefully and properly documented (caregiving agreement drawn up legally) to avoid issues with IRS gifting, Medicaid and any tax implications.
Question: Why is this coming up as a concern now? Spend time talking with your sister about the reasons for increased compensation as an issue at this time.
I work 30 hours a week caribg for a senior.
I reveive 3,500.00 a month.
Enough said.
She either is in full command of her faculties and able to understand that food costs x, utilities and gas cost y, and home support services cost z; or she isn't - in which case she shouldn't be handling her own finances anyway.
When she cut up rough before, when you were discussing the $500 with her three years ago, how did you arrive at that number in the end?
It is an awkward conversation, but facts is facts and numbers don't lie. "Here's the bill, mother. Sorry, but nothing in life is free!"
We love our parents, but caring is a very hard all consuming thing. Unless you get paid you can feel resentful and the whole thing can fall apart,which is no good for anyone.
When my husband and I moved in we said we wouldn't take a penny. But most nights my mum keeps us up all night, calling my name and saying she needs a wee(she has a catheter) and Dad wanders and is very hard work. So we gradually thought.. We need to be paid for this.. When I approached one of my siblings who is joint lpa he agreed with what I asked for immediately. I've 4 siblings and no one else would do it.
So at least now, when I'm tired and they've been hard work, I can say Never mind. You're paid for it so get in with it.
It's the hardest job in the world but it can be so rewarding.
Keep it legal! Get everything in writing!
I take care of my 94 year old Mom and I don't get paid anything first because my Mom can't afford it (she made bad decisions late in her life), secondly I really love taking care of my Mom. I will always look back of these years with my Mom and be at peace within myself for doing the right thing.
After I sold my Mom's house she bought another house (I picked it out, did all the financials and it is the house we live in) and when my Mom passes I will inherit this house and to me that's enough "material" reward. No amount of money could give me the inner peace that I have now (maybe some will understand this, others will not).
That said, your question begs why 13 years later are you asking this? And were you happy with the $500 a month for the past 3 years? What changed now?
Jenna
I have also told them that should I be so unfortunate as to follow my mother down that yellow brick road, I don't want them to feel they have to care for me or even visit if it is difficult for them. Not everyone is cut out to care for an elder with dementia, and depending on when it hits, they may need to be working to ensure their own future (savings and SS), plus as we age it becomes difficult to provide care, part time or full time. I can't support my mother's weight and my house is not handicap accessible (ingress/egress and bathrooms are too small to modify), so the best I could do was take over her finances to preserve what she had and then educate myself about dementia, then start seeking a decent place for her. We tried hiring aides and although initially it was only 1 hr/day, it didn't last 2 months - she refused to let them in! The only other real option was a facility. She is close enough now for me to visit regularly (until lock down) and I manage everything else for her. IT is the best I could do to ensure she is safe and cared for.
Your mom's money should take care of her personal needs, items, clothing, food, meds, doctor visits, bills, etc. After all, didn't you volunteer to take her in? I'm reminded of gospel recording artist Pastor Shirley Ceasar's song: NO CHARGE, maybe tou ahoukd listen to it. It goes on to say..."When you add it all up the total cost of real love(parents/children's love) is NO CHARGE."
Ridiculous to hit 'post' without taking reality into consideration.
If I were an only child that would be a whole other scenario of course. Having multiple siblings who are not involved in the actual care changes things considerably. There was a time when I was criticized by one sibling for caring ‘too much’ when I was providing regular updates. I just don’t provide updates any longer and things are more peaceful.
Is she still handling her own finances? Is anyone joint on her checking account? Is she still competent? You say she can't be left alone so....?
How is her will structured? Is it an equal share between all children?
I can not advise on the nitty gritty of how to get paid for providing care without running into trouble like someone mentioned that this could be determined to be a gift if she ever needs gov't care.