I posted about my situation on Reddit, and got some DM's to seek help from this site.
Long and short of it my MIL is a difficult patient, and her Medcaid PRI does not make it easier to place her via her MLTC, she has been rejected.
We have exhausted all of our options, her issues are triggered based general medications have proven not effective.
She does suffer from some bouts of dementia related psychosis but it triggered based. Her doctors also are against the idea of putting some medications on her file as PRN.
Since I use to be an RN I offered to help with her care which was a horrible mistake. I have told my husband he will need to do the hospital method, but he refuses cause he does not want them to just place her anywhere.
I am at a loss, even her doctors are in favor of not placing her yet. We are well past the ideal I tried to explain we cannot do much we are already I debt paying for care since she does not qualify for much via medicaid yet. Which is another issue.
Yet we all knew she cannot be left alone but safety and supervision is not a covered need, or is wandering prevention.
My husband is getting caught with the ideal, and does not help his mother's medical team are filling his head with all the horror stories regarding nursing homes when it comes to difficult patients..
I use to work on the memory care ward before I got my ED position so I also have horror stories but issue is I am done, and we cannot force placement outside of taking her to the ER and letting them do their thing.
My husband is also not ready to navigate the emotional woes of placement and visiting. He cannot handle her asking to go home, he also dislikes getting phone calls constantly which is most likely what would happen. She is fine with us caring for her, but I am just burnt out and we cannot afford private pay, and medicaid is well medicaid.
I am done, we have a child also.
If your husband doesn’t come around he can go move in with his mother .
You and your child stay in your home .
I hear the constant rewarding messages of *Good Children*. I hear the undercurrant of *A Good Child Obeys*
I sense the FEAR that underrides this guilt evoking manipulation.
Must.keep.control.
I love my MIL. She is a wonderful person. Yet if she needs fulltime care - she needs to change HER life - it's that simple.
So I keep MY message simple too.
I will live here. With any children still at home.
HE is free to move. Into her sspare room/garage/tent in her garden - whatever. He laughs & says it will never happen.
It’s not ethical of him to put yourselves in debt . His first responsibility is to his spouse and child. His mother can get Medicaid . Life is full of danger and harsh reality , he can’t stop it all. Whether it’s ethical or not to let something bad happen , unfortunately it does happen .
He needs to man up and go the ER route . He needs to put his own family first and get off his high moral ground. Have your husband read this thread .
He could also be sticking to his “ ethical “ reasons because he does not want to deal with the emotional woes of placing his mother and subsequent phone calls and visits . It’s called avoidance .
You tell him you do not want to get in many more debt over his mother . You have a child to support who may want to go to college one day. You also need to save for your own retirement years. His mother can get Medicaid .
In his eyes if that is what he assessment states this is what she needs then why not provide it? To a degree I get the stance, and even with her doctors I get it also. Why medicate someone that is perfectly fine with a non chemical intervention.
Giver her a one to one she is fine they are not wrong, problem we poor we cannot afford that.
In an ideal world everyone would get the ideal treatment but that is not realistic. F**k this disease, that is where I am at now.
Eeverything you said is on the money, but he has others in his ear telling him he is a good son, he is doing what is best for his mother, so rare find someone willing to do what is right everyone often take the easy road.
I wish I could beat her doctors tbh.
"My husband is also not ready to navigate the emotional woes of placement and visiting".
Get ready Man. Either with you, or if he takes too long, you step out & he takes it ALL on ALONE. A wise man would choose to go it WITH you.
"He cannot handle her asking to go home, he also dislikes getting phone calls constantly which is most likely what would happen."
Yes he CAN handle it & he will.
Just by changing his response.
He does not have to be the bad guy! Just agree with her! Use his empathy to be on her side. Eg Yes Mom, I want you to go home too!
See? No need to DO anything.. (many men think they have to DO something, FIX stuff). Just listen to her sadness or fear.
He could be stuck in follow mode.
Following what Mom wants - or what he THINKS she wants. What does Mom ACTUALLY want by the way? To be in her home hardly coping?
My Grandmother told us clearly, she did not want to be a burden to her family. The other wanted her own space, if not her house anymore, her own room. These values turned out to be far more important than staying within the same set of walls. Ask him to ponder on that.
I love my MIL she was and is still a funny lady that being said 100% she is the type that does not want to be a burden but would not want to go into a nursing home. She would rather die before that.
Part that hurts me, we have been together for nearly 16 years. I love him to peices, even in my professional opinion he probably would not be able to handle it. The simple asking to go home would eat at him.
He wants the perfect solution, and I live in a state where debt is shared. I know if I divorce him that will break him.
I do not even know what I was trying to accomplish. I love and care for him too much to let him go down this path alone.
In all the years of doing this you cannot force someone to place someone. They have to do when they are ready. It does not help he has his entire mother's medical team tell him all the horror stories. I so wish more people would tell the positive stories, you have to dig for those suckers
Thanks for the food for thought though.
There will be no new solution as long as you remain part of the equation, you need to step away from this mess and allow the chips to fall.
She is Iives in her own apartment, where we are providing some level of supervision.
Weekdays medicaid does cover four hours of social adult day we pay for another four, then my husband and I cover some hours ourself and then pay for the remaining.
I have no ideal how to go about to get my husband to either have the ER place her or he has to step away and let something bad happen before the system will see she needs help.
He has an issues with this mindset and does not feel someone should have to be put in danger to get help.
I have no idea how to go about trying to sway his views.
Is that where he is?
Maybe not found the right pathway? Or there is still some lurking denial/hope/wishful thinking? Or there are barriers?
Look for his barriers.
Caregiving has to work for all involved . It’s not working for you .
It really doesn’t matter if her doctors don’t feel that your MIL shouldn’t be placed in a facility yet. They aren’t the ones who are dealing with your MIL. You are doing all of the hands on care and you are done!
You have informed your husband that you don’t wish to continue caring for his mom. Good for you!
Your husband is frightened by the horror stories that others are telling him. You have a medical background and have your own experiences. Some facilities are better than others.
Have you started doing any research on potential facilities? Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area to see what they would recommend?
Wishing you all the best.
Her doctors also are those doctors that think drugs should not be used to alter behavior unless it is needed but since she is fine with a one to one.
Problem is these doctors don't live in the real world. They think everyone can afford such level of care.
Spoke with our area of aging nothing we can do since facilities are free to reject someone for whatever medical reason they see fit.