My Dad is in a MCU about 10 minutes from all of our family. My Mom lives in an apartment nearby. To date, my brother and sister have not visited either parent. I see my Dad every day. My Mom used to, too, but she had a bad fall three weeks ago. Now I'm caring for them both. I broke down and asked my older sister for help. She refused, saying my mother is just "crying crocodile tears" and I need to use "tough love" on her. I was shocked by this response since my Mom took care of my sister for 8 weeks last year after her shoulder surgery. My Mom, at 86, cooked, cleaned, etc. for my sister. Now that my Mom needs help, she's not only nowhere to be found, but she's making light of my Mom's struggles. I feel that I need to remove my sister from my life. She's been cruel to me in the past, but being cruel to my Mom is the last straw. What do I need her in my life for? She just takes. She exhausts me with her constant complaints about how her life is so unfair. She wants me to take care of her (she's 63). Am I right to end this toxic relationship? It will hurt my Mom as she wants peace in the family, but do I put my feelings aside for Mom's sake? I am so broken up about this. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions are appreciated. Thank you.
You will not be able to change them and getting angry with other because they are putting themselves first is a waste of time. Trust me they are not losing any sleep over this, so please just let it go.
At this point, except you will get no help from your sister. Ask Mom not to give her anymore money because that money is needed for Dad's and her care. If she continues to not much you can do about it. You...have your hands full. I would cut down on visits to Dad. He probably doesn't really know what days you have been there and what days you haven't. Mom is the priority now. A fall can be serious for an older Senior. You are going to burn out if you don't pace yourself. Dad is safe and cared for. Maybe this is a good time to call brother and tell him it would be nice if he visited Dad because Mom needs help now. Sometimes you just have to prod some people. Take time for yourself. Take a day or two off when you feel Mom can do for herself.
Sister is a lost cause. She is self-centered. If she asks something from you say No got my hands full. Do not go out of your way for her. If she calls and you don't feel like talking don't pick up the call. Is she asks what your problem is, tell her "you". You take and never give back. All Mom has done for you and you can't even visit her. You take money that Mom needs to pay for Dads care. You are a selfish person and I can't believe we were raised by the same parents.
There is always at least one child who does the caring. And its hard for that child to understand why the rest of the children do not want to do for their parents too.
I am HelloKarma.
I recently posted a kind of similar post to you.
You said:
“I feel that I need to remove my sister from my life. She's been cruel to me in the past, but being cruel to my Mom is the last straw.”
I would say, if you feel you should cut her out, then do so. I have pretty much done so with my sibling. (Sometimes, I must talk to my sibling.) I used to not cut people out of my life, but sometimes the behavior is too horrible.
Toxic people will drag you down, your whole life. They’ll never stop.
I am in the same boat. I have been at her beck and call any time she needed anything--babysitting, AAA+, pocketbooks, rides after school for her children, etc.
I think we are both surprised when there was no reciprocation. Unfortunately, life is not even Steven. It took a long time to accept siblings behavior. Now I do something different.
I used to make her lunch, etc. have a good bag for her when she did help out. I was treated worse, disrespectful.
Effective January 2022 (the New Year, out with the old and in with the new) when I see the phone number of the caller ID I do not pick up but tell my mother, baby sis calls. Mom has given her $$$ for this Old House (a/k/a "the $$$ pity).
New electrical, free babysitting so sis can pursue a career. Now sis is MIA. No help...tells me Mom is your responsibility.
Now when she does come which is seldom, I go to an indoor pool, and get things done, gas up the car, etc. and when she leaves I return. My door is always open for visits but I am not going to be mistreated any longer. It was always too one-sided and I needed to set some boundaries and must say I feel much better now.
Live well--exercise, eat right, take up an instrument, calls friends, study a language when you are sitting in the docs waiting room, go to Church/join a Church, have the Eucharistic Minister come on a Sunday for your Mom, pay yourself 1st by writing a check to your pension so you will not be living on popcorn in our old age.
I think you get the message...hope this helps! You are not alone my friend, every family is the same.