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Please excuse the lack of punctuation but I’m using Siri to dictate this. First a little about me I’m 51 years old married and still have two kids at home. I am an elder at my local church and at one time we were very active in our church and community. I am self-employed in a very time demanding business. My wife also works full-time. The only sister I had died several years ago so I do not have the support of siblings. We are not very close to my dad's side of the family and most of them are older or have their own families to take care of. While my dad was in his bad health for the many years he was they rarely checked on him. My mom's side of the family is very small. She only has one remaining sibling and he has Alzheimer’s. The only local cousin that I have takes care of his dad and he’s also busy with work and kids. For a long time now I’ve been doing things for my parents which I do not regret. Up until my father died in April they were living at home by themselves and I would just run their errands take them to doctors appointments and check in on them. About six weeks before my father died he was in the hospital and in rehab and I realized very quickly that my mother was not able to stay by herself. My wife and I were taking turns staying with her some at night. After the death of my father we have to stay with her around the clock. We found someone to come in during the day so that we can work. My mother lost over half her income she still has a house payment, utilities, insurance, medicine, basically all the bills that my parents had before my father died. I have on a couple of occasions paid for several of her bills and someone to stay with her but I can no longer afford to do that. However my mother does not have enough coming in to pay someone full time. Her house needs a lot of work which we do not have the money to do. Any money that they have in savings we’re having to use for bills and it’s not going to last much longer. My dad had a life insurance policy but a lot of that went to pay for funeral and final Dr.’s bills. For the last few months now my life has basically consisted of waiting on the caregiver, going to work, working a full days work, coming here to relieve the caretaker, and taking care of my mom at her home, and staying away from my family. Our house is not large enough to bring her in and my kids do not want to move up here and I don’t feel that it’s right to uproot them. My loving wife is very good to help but I have told her this is not her responsibility. We no longer have a normal life. We have not gone anywhere but one or two times as a family together not even to church services. Between my business, my home, my mother’s home, and we actually help My mother-in-law with her grass and property, even though she lives with my sister-in-law. My business is starting to suffer, my marriage is starting to suffer, time with my kids is suffering, responsibilities at my home and other places are going undone. My youngest son is still in high school and he plays football and the season is about to start and I do not wanna miss all his games but we can’t afford for anyone to stay with her at night. One of the other issues that I have is before my dad died he told me that number one he did not want my mom going into a nursing home unless she just got to a point that she didn’t know anyone or anything and number two he said that he did not buy this house to give it to anyone other than his family. He said giving it to a nursing home or the state was not an option. I don’t have the heart to put my mother in a nursing home right now because she does know quite a bit even having dementia and Alzheimer’s. She has even told me that she did not want me to do like they did their mother and her sister and put them in the nursing home and throw them away. I am not the kind to say that I am depressed, but I am tired of not having a normal life. I find myself getting irritated more and my wife is getting more and more agitated. I need help.

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"...before my dad died he told me that number one he did not want my mom going into a nursing home unless she just got to a point that she didn’t know anyone or anything..."

Break this promise right now since your father didn't know what he was asking and you had no way of knowing what you were agreeing to. It's not possible and you are seeing it, feeling it but not wanting to believe it.

"...he said that he did not buy this house to give it to anyone other than his family he said giving it to a nursing home or the state was not an option."

It IS an option -- the best option -- for your mom to pay for the care she needs and the relief you and your family needs. What will happen as she continues to decline? And, unless the Lord takes her in her sleep, she will continue to decline and her needs will continue to increase and so will your stress and financial problems.

You are getting more irritated and agitated because you are approaching burnout.

Your first priority is your wife and family, not your mother. She can get good care by others.

People your parents' age have very bad memories of nursing homes, but the newer good ones are completely different. Maybe you should just go visit one on your own to see. You have options, they just feel difficult to make, but if you don't want to burn up your family and resources, you'll need to do it. Your mom will be ok. My MIL is in very nice facility in LTC on Medicaid. She gets great care. Your mom can, too.
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Deathbed promises like your father had you agree to are just so wrong, it's mind boggling. To leave you with those words is something that no father should EVER do to a son, ever, under any circumstances. Your mother is burdened with dementia & Alzheimer's, meaning she IS going to require more care than you can possibly provide her. The home they own is precisely FOR her care and not to be 'saved' for an inheritance. Since your father is no longer living, he does not get a say in what 'options' exist for the home, or for your mother's care. The main thing is that you take care of your wife and children, and that you realize your mother needs care in Memory Care Assisted Living now; the house can be sold to finance her stay there, as my parents sold their home to finance their life in old age, b/c it's the right thing to do. "My" inheritance was not taken into consideration, only their care was uppermost on my mind when dad fell and broke his hip and I had to place both of them in Assisted Living. What other options did I have????

On his deathbed, my dad asked me to promise I'd 'take care of mom' and I did. I promised him I would, and I did. I managed her entire LIFE for her for the next 7 years, in Assisted Living, then Memory Care AL, as she continued to decline with dementia. I fulfilled my promise to dad AND I took excellent care of mom in the process. Win-win. I didn't lose my mind, my marriage, or my own home financing her care either, b/c I managed THEIR money properly.

I suggest you do the same for your mother and don't get bogged down with those 'promises' dad had you make. Promise YOURSELF and your wife & children that you will take care of them AND your mother by getting her placed in the managed care facility that works best for all of you. No guilt, no remorse, just an adult son doing right by his mother. "Throwing her away" doesn't for one moment describe what you're doing by placing her in a lovely Memory Care residence where teams of caregivers will work round the clock to see that she's cared for properly. Then you and your family can go visit her there and take her gifts and photos and spend quality time together instead of trying to finagle 1000 things as you're doing now.

Wishing you the best of luck taking a realistic look at what needs to happen here, for ALL of you.
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sgsellsit, so many times a parent will ask not to be placed in a nursing home, and the reason is because their own parent or grrandparents had been placed in one a century ago. Today's senior facilities are built more like hotels, with main dining rooms, movie rooms, etc.

When my Dad [who was in his 90's] decided it was time to sell his house and use the equity to pay for senior living, he loved the place so much he wished he would have moved in sooner. Even though Dad was shy, he still enjoyed being around people from his generation.

My Dad started out in the Independent Living section having a really nice apartment which had a full size kitchen, large living room, 2 bedrooms. Dad did option to eat his meals in the main restaurant style dining room. It was interesting seeing the women residents dressed to the nines at dinner time :)

Later when Dad's memory was starting to fail, he was moved to the Memory Care section of the senior facility, to what my Dad would call "his college dorm room". He was quite content being there.
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Look at it this way:

You don’t want to have mother in assisted living or anything like it because it would make YOU feel bad. You will have to set that aside.

What’s best for her is 24/7 care and access to medical personnel any time she needs it. You said you can’t keep up with all her needs and demands, and you’re right. No one can! You cannot give her the care she needs anymore, and that is not your fault.

So if you can’t stay with her, and you would feel like a bad person if you placed her… your only option is to hire 24/7 in home care. And that isn’t cheap.

Mom needs placement. There are thousands of elders in assisted living that have all their mental faculties.
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Look at it this way -- what is going to happen when your mother needs around-the-clock caregivers? Actually, she already does, as you say, but what happens when you can't even sleep because of her overnight needs? (I'm assuming this is not the case yet?) You can't keep propping up the current situation, right? Your mother's house will be going to you, since you are the only surviving child, correct? What your father wanted is immaterial, since YOU are the one who will get it.

Surely you want your life back rather than a house, right?

This to me says it all: "My business is starting to suffer my marriage is starting to suffer time with my kids is suffering responsibilities at my home and other places are going undone."

Assuming you have POA/HCPOA, find a facility for your mother and stop killing yourself, your marriage, and your relationship with your kids.

Do you see any other options?
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Why are you thinking nursing home? There are other options like AL or MC.

As for the house, if the money is needed for her care then so be it. These deathbed promises are based on emotion not common sense. Who is supposed to pay for her care?

Your mother & fathers mindset is old school, homes today are very nice. I have one in AL and another in MC, both are happy and well cared for.

Whatever money they have is being used for their care, and that is what it should be used for, my brother & I sold their homes and we certainly don't expect the taxpayers to pay for their care.

Don't let your mother manipulate you, this could go on for a long, long time, my mother is 97 and still going strong.
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I am in a similar situation with same age kids. My mother has needed care for 22 years and my father was her primary care giver. He always wanted to try and keep my mom home but once he died, that wasn't a option if I wanted to support my kids, my husband, secure my own financial future and have a career I love.

I put my mother in a nursing home as it was the best option for everyone, most importantly my kids who were young teens at the time. My father never got any joy out of life, never established a relationship with my kids, went to a bar or ball game, all things he loved, once he started caring for my mother. I refuse to live like that.

My mother is happy in her home. She gets better care, gets all of her meals brought to her, can interact when she wants, and is in better shape than ever! I know I won't have an inheritance but spending time with my kids, especially as they are approaching college age, is priceless. You will never get this time back with your kids, it will take time to improve your relationship with your wife and the impact on your business could be huge.

You shouldn't feel any guilt over wanting the best life for you and your family. Your mother will be well cared for as there are good places out there. Sell the house as you need to stop paying for her care yourself. She could need care for years and the only option will be to use the assets in the house.
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Sg,

Take a tour of a Memory Care facility.

My mother’s is like a beautiful hotel with terrific activities.

My mother is be well cared for.

The staff is caring and compassionate.

Her home was sold for her care. The proceeds pay for her monthly rent.

Rent includes meals, showering, suite cleaning, activities and special programs.

Touring a few Memory Care facilities leaves you under no obligation. You may just leave with a little hope of getting back to your normal life.

You can get back to being a husband, Dad, and a visiting son, not an overnight caregiver.
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I realize I'm echoing what everyone else here is saying, but...UGH! -- these deathbed promises extracted from vulnerable and grieving family members are abhorrent and so, so wrong.

I understand your dad saw that the house was a result of his hard work and not putting your mom into care was his vision of caring for your mom. Well, he wasn't correct. Certainly that hard work was done for her care, but it should be translated into getting the best care possible, and in your mom's case, memory care may well be the best care for her.

You and your wife are simply not equipped to do everything she needs. You are not to pay her bills -- that's what her savings and Dad's life insurance are for -- because you have your own retirement years to think about. There is nothing out there that says family members are magically qualified to be caregivers, and once you see how caregiving is done in a memory care facility, you'll understand why. It's done in teams around the clock, and that's simply not possible for you and your wife to do. You must realize that first and foremost. You are not Superman.

As others have said, nursing homes are nothing like they once were, and if Mom is "thrown away," that's because you put her in there and never go to see her again. I know that's not what you'd do. What you'd be doing is spending quality time with her, because someone else will be doing the hands-on work and you won't be frazzled anymore.

You must be realistic -- you also have your wife's parents to deal with, and this is multiplying your duties even more. It just isn't possible to be all things to all people, and your own family must come first. Give yourself permission to extract yourself from an unreasonable promise your father requested. He didn't know what he was talking about in the context of nursing homes, and honestly, he just didn't leave enough money to enable the kind of care at home that he wanted for your mom.

My own dad literally ran himself into the grave caring for my mother, and that's because it was what he wanted to do. He was honoring his vows which I respected and he never would have put her in a nursing home, so I gave him my help as I was able. However, when my dad was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and was going to die before my mother, he told me in no uncertain terms not to sacrifice my life and my family caring for my mother and arranged for her to have a place to live in a nearby nursing home. I lived an hour from my folks, and I would have had to move in with Mom, because my house couldn't be retrofitted to make it accessible to her. As it was, I lived with and cared for both of them for the six weeks my dad was sick, and I lost 10 pounds and never slept more than four hours a night. I was absolutely impossible for me to have kept that up for any period of time, and as it was, my mother -- the more sickly of my two parents -- lived another 2 1/2 years after my dad died.

Give yourself permission to make the best decision for your mother's care. Your dad was working with outdated information, as is your mother, and you have to do what's best for EVERYONE involved. Do not feel guilty because you don't follow your dad's request -- you're the one in charge of this family now, and it's time to make the tough decisions.

Good luck to you.
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I appreciate all of the comments and suggestions. I guess I should add to my previous post. Both my parents worked full time and paid in all of their lives. My dad was cheated out of early retirement by a large company and later forced to retire on disability. My mom after retirement came to work for me for years and when things were bad would not accept pay. Not to mention I did not leave home until I married at 26. I owe my parents more than most. We did not have much but we were provided for. I am in Alabama. Alabama state programs do not honor Assisted Living Facilities they are private pay only and the cheapest is about $3600 a month and are not the best. There are some in this area that are $8000-$10,000 monthly; who has that? The average nursing home is $6000 per month. That is $72,000 for one year. People on Medicare aren't even allowed to make half that and my mother could not even pay for a week. My parent's house would barely cover one year. Most nursing homes here will accept a promissary note of the real estate and will pre approve applicants for medicaid which only pays about a quarter of the bill and upon the passing of the patient, the state facility will then take posession of the property if that event happens in the medicaid look back of 7 years. All Alabama nursing homes are state supported. In the meantime the POA or heir must maintain the property, bring the property up to fair market value standards, pay property taxes due to not being a homestead, insurance and mortgage payments, it can not be rented, if it is occupied by the family we have 30 days to leave the property unless one of us is a minor or disabled. The only reason my parents owe what they do on their house is the thousands of dollars they paid for rehab for my late sister. They have always felt guilty about that. Most of the comments look like they come from familes that had a strong financial stow. On another note, let's get real. This is 2022 post covid. There are no businesses up to even standards from 40 ears ago with the lack of help, work ethic and entitled views. People just don't care or want to do their jobs. I own my own business, I see it everyday and why I struggle. My father out of the hospital felt great, went to a local rehab/nursing home. Twenty days later went into the hospital and never came out. I do not have enough room to list all that I found out after the fact about his care. Guess what, in Alabama it is almost impossible to fault a care facility for neglect. Most doctors and nurses here will not recommend any of the facilities. Post covid due to lack of staff most of them do not have the hotel and restaurant vibe for keeping those areas closed off. Most out of state facilities charge more more out of state patients and some states do not honor intrastate programs such as medicaid. I do or did visit facilities as a visitor with my church group and have seen first hand what facilities are like. There are more bad points than good at most. I know several that work at these facilities and their comments and attitudes scare me. I was told by a very close friend that is a director at an assisted living facility that Alabama has some of the poorest care, lacks financial assistance options, and some of the harshest, almost corrupt, final care financial recouping systems. All of you are right about taking care of my family. However my mom is family too. In my opinion, they raised me and provided for all those years and now it is my turn. We will just work together to make it work. We went through this when my father in law was sick and my wife would stay with him as would I. Somehow we made it work. We made the most out of the times we had together as a family and with the kids. I know you don't get that time back but you don't get it all when they are gone from this life. My father's request was not just on his death bed. He said it even when they were healthy. Life insurance and savings went to pay medical and funeral.
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CTTN55 Jul 2022
As MACinCT writes: "When it comes to caring for elderly, nothing will ever be perfect. So how about good enough? "

Don't let perfect be the enemy of good.
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Never heard of Medicare having a cap on what you can make a year to get it. You must apply at 65 (unless ur are still working and employer is providing health insurance) or be penalized when u do finally sign up. (penalty maybe for B).

When it comes to Medicaid, if the house can't be kept up you sell at Market rate and use the proceeds towards Moms care. If you hold onto it till her death, it becomes an asset that Medicaid can recover what they put out on Mom. A lien is put on the house. If sold the lean needs to be satisfied. The only way this would not happen is if someone was willing to pay the lean, family proving they had been living with the recipient prior to placing and they were caregiver for 2 yrs at least, or a disabled child. In the last 2 instances they have to prove they can maintain the house. So, holding onto the house may not be a good option.
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You said "My mom after retirement came to work for me for years and when things were bad would not accept pay. Not to mention I did not leave home until I married at 26. I owe my parents more than most." As a mother who loves being around my kids I would do the same for them, and they would not owe me. It would be a joy to spend those times with them. All families are different and what you describe would not work for everyone but I think it's lovely.

You care very much about the promise you made to your dad, and if he was a kind and loving dad then he meant well. However, like my dad, he was not all knowing and all seeing, and you've promised something that is not longer the right thing to do. Would he have asked for that promise if he knew it meant huge damage to your health and marriage? Would he have asked if he knew he was asking for a worse life for your mom? You can honor the spirit of your promise by making the best decision for the people he loved, which is both you and your mother.
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As much as you want to honor your dads wishes for your mom, and your inheritance, it cannot be done. The house is your moms nest egg. Unfortunately, It needs to be sold to pay for her care.

My mom wanted to leave a little inheritance to me and my sister… her mobile home had to be sold to pay for AL… A month before she passed away I had to surrender the meager $16000 life insurance, that got away at with surrender fees and income tax withholding, to pay her rent. Can’t have either the house or insurance to qualify for Medicaid.

I posted below about care advisors… find one to help you.. invaluable
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Here is an option to consider......Sell moms house and make the room in your house for her to move in. Take any proceeds from the sale of her home to make a small addition at your home if possible. Squeeze mom into your home. Hire someone to spend the night from 10 pm until 10 am. Its cheaper than a nursing home and you can monitor your moms care while gaining some freedom. You're not going to have it all but some. Putting anyone in a nursing home these days is torture until death. Suffer a little for your mom. Im going through similar situatuation where i have to give up my life because of the selfishness of the rest of my family. I would suffer more with my mom in a nursing home.
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Justretired99 Jul 2022
I totally agree. My mom was in rehabilitation 3 times before we sold her home and car. Nursing homes are the worst. They are very costly and pay the employees ver little so they hire anyone. We had our bathroom expanded and updated with a walk in shower (no ledge) and our family room is now her bedroom. Everything is on one floor and has made it so much easier for all of us. We are also going to hire a person to come in to help take care of her.
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Just be aware that even in memory care, your mother will not have eyes on her "around the clock." She will have a single or shared room where she will spend a lot of unsupervised time. She will even use the toilet unsupervised. The staff will encourage her to join group activities, but they won't force her. If she is able to walk or wheel herself in a wheelchair, she will be allowed to walk or wheel herself back to her room whenever she takes a notion. Staff will make sure she has food placed in front of her at meal times and encourage her to eat, but they will not put the spoon in her mouth (unless you pay for a higher level of care). Staff will monitor her blood pressure and other basic vital signs every day, and they will make sure she takes her meds every day, but that's the extent of the medical care they will provide. There will NOT be someone standing at her side every moment to prevent injury, or reassure her when she's confused, or make sure she gets to the toilet safely in the middle of the night. If she needs a higher level of supervision than what is provided in memory care, you would have to pay an hourly fee for a private duty "sitter." During the day, a sitter would sit with your mother in her memory care room and follow your mother as she toddles down the hall and back all day. At night, a sitter would sit with your mother in her memory care room and safely take her to the toilet and back to bed probably a couple times in the night. Even if you only have a night sitter, the price of the sitter is going to add up so quickly that it will cost more for the sitter than for the memory care. So don't feel guilty for considering memory care for your mother. You'll still be doing plenty of work, hours, anguish, and suffering no matter what decisions you make about her care.
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It is not "throwing someone away" to put them in a nursing home/memory care facility where they will get skilled professional care. Your mother is not able to care for herself at this time, and her condition is likely to decline as she ages. She'll need more care, not less over time. Get connected with a local social worker who can explain her options. Much will depend on her financial situation. And it may be best to sell the house, rather than trying to keep it up for her, with maintenance, rising prices for utilities, etc. She needs to downsize to an appropriate living situation, hopefully near you. You are not disrespecting your father's wishes. Times and situations have changed, her money isn't covering her expenses, and you have to do what is best now. Her assets should be used to pay for her care. Hopefully you are her POA and can take over financial and medical decisions. If she has not set up POAs for financial and medical matters, and if she is still capable of signing legal documents, Have her do it immediately. The social worker might be able to recommend a pro bono attorney to help with the legal papers, if needed. You need an attorney who specializes in elder law. She also needs a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will (she has assets, with the house). Her POA also needs to be on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf. If she has early dementia, talk to her about taking over her finances, paying her bills, etc. My mother had dementia and at a point she could no longer fill out checks, bills were not getting paid on time, etc. With my mother, we also requested a credit card on her account with my name on it so that I could purchase things for her. You have two options, and much will depend on her finances. She can have in-home caregivers attending to her, and at some point she may need 24/7 care. This can get very expensive. The social worker can advise you if your mother is eligible for home care through Medicare, but it will be part time. Or she can live in a memory care/skilled nursing facility. You'll need to help her with finding a good, caring facility, that you thing she'll like. Try to find a facility that can handle both. Try to find a facility near you so that you can actively oversee her care and can visit frequently, take her out, etc. If you can, try to find a couple of options and let her pick the one she prefers. You'll have to have the talk with her, hopefully she'll understand, that it's necessary to downsize because her money is not covering her expenses. The advantages of a facility are professional care, she'll be with people her own age and can make friends there, they organize activities in the facility and excursions outside the facility, they'll make sure she's fed, clean, etc., and take care of housekeeping and laundry. All the best to you and your mother, and your family!
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Your first need is to take care of yourself -if you don't then you will not be able to take care of yourself. If you don't already have them you should go to elder care lawyer to get wills and POAs [financial and health] for your mom [also you and your wife]. The POAs give you the authority to make decisions for your mom. Talk with her doctors to help determine what she needs. Go to local Dept. of Aging which can also help give you some guidance and local resources to use. You don't say how far away your mom lives, but it may work to have her stay with you while you are working on some plans. Talk with the minister of your church to get some help. It sounds like it may be helpful to find a financial adviser so that you can make a budget - talk about this with any of the above resources -lawyer, Dept. of Aging, etc. They can also help on a plan for your MOM. I don't think your dad's wishes should take precedence over you and your family's [including your mom] needs. You might also talk with a realtor about selling one of your hoses. If your mom's is bigger and not too far away it may make sense for your family to move there and sell yours. There are other options to consider as well. There are several options for your mom -doesn't necessarily mean nursing home, but many are very good with many available services for residents. I would also suggest you consider counselling for you and your family to help deal with this stressful situation
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It seems your mother can not continue to live alone. If she can not move into your home, then she must move somewhere else with others. There is a process to finding a "good fit" for your mother and her needs:

1 - Get a thorough evaluation from a doctor. Ask the doctor to check her over for all diseases - chronic and acute - so that she is getting all the care she needs. Ask the doctor to evaluate her cognition and recommend the type of home she needs: assisted living, skilled nursing care, or memory care. The doctor's recommendation will guide your next steps.

2 - Based on your mom's needs, start looking for places that she can move to that are near your home. Look online at first and then narrow the choices down to 3-5 places. Since money is tight, consider places that will accept Medicare/Medicaid.

3 - Do telephone interviews and set up in-person "visits." When you have arrived at about 3-ish good choices, take mom for visits in person. Make arrangements for her to do "respite" in a couple of places- a short stay - so you and your wife can get a long-needed break.

4 - When you have decided on the place(s), get mom onto their waiting list. Some waits are very short; others not so much. When she is accepted, help her pack and move in. Her "new home" will provide her with opportunities to make friends, do fun things, and allow you to visit frequently - without the burnout you are suffering from.

5 - Sell the house and use the money to pay for mom's care. Houses, furniture, land... are all "stuff" that are to be used to sustain us, not be a burden.
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In a nutshell, placing your mom in memory care IS taking care of her.
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It seems when parents gets to a point where they are acting weird and just dont seem to be themself. Its time to let them go and put them in a good safe care home or have someone to stay with her at her home. Dont feel guilty, its time to know that it is ok to let go and start caring of your life first.
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The posters on this forum have all lived through your situation. The problem is that there aren’t many options to solve your problem.

Someone can move in with Mom. But it can’t be one of your family on a permanent basis, obviously. And hiring someone to live at Mom’s house can be expensive, plus you have to vet them thoroughly.

You don’t have room for Mom to move in with you, so that is not an option.

You can’t keep going the way you’ve been going, because your life is falling apart. Your family must come first. Your children absolutely must come first. They are more your responsibility than your Mother is.

The final option is to move Mom somewhere else. Make sure it is a facility that accepts Medicaid for later. The best option may be to put the house up for sale now, not down the road. Then use the proceeds to pay for Mom’s room. When she is almost out of funds, have the facility help you apply for Medicaid. They will then just switch her from Private Pay to Medicaid. They will use her social security as part of the payment, she will get to keep a small amount.

It sounds like you are at a breaking point where you have to do something. No matter what anyone has said in the past, things can’t stay as they are and her house will be needed to pay for future medical costs. Everyone’s wishes can’t change those facts. I hope you get some relief soon.
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KatLaw19 Jul 2022
Very sound advice.
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Sounds like Mom may be very close to qualifying for Medicaid. Please call Adult Protective Services about getting Mom placed and for applying to Medicaid.

Your Dad had wishes, but he is not here to make them come true, nor was it fair of him to burden you with fulfilling the wishes he couldn't fulfill. You have wishes, too, and you do have opportunities to make them come true.

See if you can locate a few Assisted Living arrangements where they do accept Medicaid. If you locate her near enough, you and your whole family can visit. Those visits could instill lessons of empathy and compassion in your children.

This can be a "win-win" situation if you don't allow guilt to eat away at your resolve to make mom and your family happy.
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I had a terrible time getting help for a relative who was disabled and could not care for himself. The hospitals were no help at all, even with a social worker. When I visited him I tried to get help from the nurses and they did not want to hear from me. They did not give him the regular meds he was supposed to take for 24 hours. No one told me I should call his own physician to come in (please do this).
Not one doctor would help with placement in rehab or a nursing home. One was helpful getting his drivers license removed. Not one doctor helped with getting in home care or medical aids. It was up to me. Who are these doctors who help you? What do you have to say to them? On the recommendation of a physical therapist I had bars put in the shower and bedroom and paid for it myself. I also bought an electric bed and chairs with arms and paid for it.

One well known hospital tried to release him after surgery when his blood pressure was at 60. I had to bar the door myself and refuse to let him leave until his blood pressure was normal. And they would not send him to a nursing facility. The surgeon said he would be "just fine" after surgery. He was not. He could not walk and the doctor was not available.

I had to hire my own staff at $30 an hour, two hour minimum. A friend gave me a referral to a home care agency, thank goodness. Most helpers were absolutely great and to them I am forever grateful. A few were not. I found NO ONE who would stay overnight, ever. That meant I had to get up at 2 or 3 AM and help him to the bathroom, every night. And if he had nightmares I had to be there. It ruined my health.
Finally he got sicker, was hospitalized, then moved to a nursing home (no choice, just whichever one the social worker picked that had an empty bed). Then he died.

All of your kind suggestions are very nice, but nothing worked except getting in- home health care, which you have to pay for yourself. (You can write it off on your taxes, at least so far). Fortunately he had good insurance for the doctors and hospitalizations. End of story.
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I started reading the posts when my elderly parents, age 94, started to need more in home care about 18 months ago. We started looking for AL and MC and in-house caregivers with their very limited budget. My sister had been helping them for last few years with general housekeeping and medical management but my moms dementia was getting worse and my Dad’s health started to deteriorate where one of my 2 sisters now take turns staying with them 24/7. It has gotten very draining on them so we started looking at caregivers but did not find many options in the rural area they live in. I live in a suburban area in a different state and have been shocked at how few options there are within a 1 hour drive from where they live in Texas. I read on these forums about nice MC and Nursing Homes to place parents into and we are not finding that to be true even if they had unlimited funds, which they don’t. We have had to place mom in local nursing home so she can get qualified for long term Medicaid but I am very disappointed in the care, not what is described in these forums by people. We are going to start looking at home caregivers again but we are not feeling hopeful. I feel sorry for my sisters for the sacrifices they are making and for my parents as they feel helpless to assist. Where they are, sadly has very limited choices to care for my parents especially my mom. I am frustrated that there are not choices out there as discussed in the forum. Not sure where you all live and if various states Medicaid is so different to assist financially, but even if convince elderly parents to leave home where to find safe caregivers is challenging.
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After reading sgsellsit 2nd post, I'm not sure what advice he might be looking for. He needs to speak with an elderlaw attorney and get everything laid out in black and white and make a decision. I'll bet that most people on this site have promised a parent or spouse not to put them in a "home". (I often wonder if that goes back to the Depression?). It wouldn't hurt to make a list of pros and cons to the situations.

KEEP MOM AT HOME:
Pros: kept promise to dad
pay mom back for taking care of me as a child and helping me out as an adult
get to keep mom and dad's house and keep mom in it.

Cons: possibly ruin my marriage and family
undo stress on my wife and me
could have long term mental consequences for my children
possible major financial problems and maybe loss of my business
could cause health issues for my family and me (stroke, heart problems, etc)
mom doesn't get the care she needs
house does not get maintained as it should be and value decreases
loss of time with my family and inability to maintain any friendships
and, on and on

If it were me, I wouldn't have to look past #1 on the con list. Mom may only have a couple of years left and do I want to throw away my marriage and my family basically out of guilt. Not me!
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Hello, I see the quandary you’re in and also stuck in an agreement made with your dad ((But)).. I’m just gonna let that sit there for a minute.

Some never think about that caring for aging parents is very different than our parents caring for us( we were the immediate family as opposed to now having our own immediate family). Our lives, our aspirations and dreams, even our families suffer due to “lack of”….

Some of my thoughts are to possibly offer room and board to someone with caregiving experience, the agreement can be worked out as to whatever benefits it offers other than a place to stay.
If a senior day care is available then check into it
Also is it possible to utilize her house as a senior day care or elder care? I know it involves zoning, permits and other business plans but, it’s and idea, it could supply and need and incorporate an income.
I usually throw in on this forum about bartering ( a favor for a favor)
utilize social media or friends and family ?

Im just giving my 1st thoughts on something that can hopefully create a spark!

If all else fails she may have to go to a NH or equivalent ( your quality of life is paramount as we only go this way once💕
Those of us that actually care and have compassion never just throw them in a NH, we visit, we call, we take them out if permissible.

Our lives can carry on because we cared enough to make sure (they’re cared for even if it’s not us doing the physical care )… that’s loyalty, dedication and love!
Wishing that you find the peace of mind you need. ❤️‍🩹
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sgsellsit: Your mother requires residence in a managed care facility, most likely Memory Care now as she suffers from Alzheimer's. Her home could be sold to finance that transition. There is no way that YOU can continue on in this approach. You simply have far too much on your plate wherein you've already stated that much of your life is starting to suffer. You should not be burdened with a deathbed confession given to you by your father. Your mother's home should not be kept for your 'inheritance.'
My own late mother was barely scraping by, demanding to live alone in her own home many states away from me. She wanted to 'save' her home for her two adult kids. I told her that I had built my life by working very hard and basically, I didn't require an inheritance.
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First of all you need to understand the difference between a nursing home and Assisted Living. The first is for people who have trouble physically and mentally caring for themselves. The second is for people who just need some help with daily tasks of living. It doesn't sound like your mother is in poor health so an AL may be a good fit for her.

You should contact a local AL and ask them to assess your mother to determine if she is a good candidate for that type of community. They are experienced in dealing with the finances of the elderly. And be aware, most of these facilities are for-profit and want to make money for the owners. You might have to do a lot of research to find a place that is a good fit. A Place for Mom (not an endorsement) was a big help in finding some places to look into and for advice about finances.

Then sit down and figure out her finances. I was where you are a few years ago with my mother. It was costing more to keep her in her home than her income was bringing in. I made it very clear that I was not going to be her housekeeper or do repairs. If she wanted to stay in the house she was going to have to pay the bills. It really wasn't safe for her to stay there alone and she didn't want to live with any of her children who are all in our 60's.

I finally convinced her to at least tour a couple of places and she decided it was a good idea. Laundry, housekeeping, meals, activities, social interaction all provided!

With Social Security as her only income and some savings I knew money would be tight but in reality she was 90 years old so I only needed to stretch her money for a few years, and then if necessary apply for Medicaid. (In Ohio Medicaid does NOT pay for AL fees although some will accept the waivers if the person has been a resident for 2 years, each state has it's own rules) So once she selected the AL she wanted to live in we sold her house and that money was what I used to pay her fees.

I think she was content in AL, she complained a lot but then she did that when living in her house. My father, before his death, worried about what would happen to her. I promised him I would look out for her and do what was best for her care.

The most important thing for you right now is to protect your own retirement assets so your children don't have to go through this in 20 years time.
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I agree with all the others, it is time to explore long term care, not necessarily a nursing home. It is tough coming to that decision, especially b/c of your late dad’s request, but it NEEDS to happen for many reasons. Your children are young only once, you and your wife need to take care of your own mental and physical health before the stress takes it’s toll on you two. Also, your mom may do much better in an assisted living, if you find a good one.

Can you speak with fellow parishioners for suggestions, call you county dept on aging to begin the process?

I went through a similar situation with my mom, and honestly things worked out well. My mom became quite frail, but did very well in assisted living. We did move her to memory care, which was amazing. Her dementia wasn’t too bad, but the higher staff ratio meant better care, and the aides loved her because she was more with it.

As others have said, sell the house. Don’t worry about the condition; the market is still hot. Explore funding options, my mom received Aid and Attendance thru the VA, which helped a lot. Her memory care participated in a voucher program which would have provided nearly half of her monthly rent if she stayed there 12 months. Perhaps your state has something similar. But you need to explore what is available in your state.

My mom very recently passed away. But let me tell you about her last day at her memory care. After breakfast they had church ( they had some sort of spiritual group daily), then coffee and danish. They had a group about Greek culture before lunch, and after lunch made Baklava. I visited her before dinner, and after dinner, she watched “my Big Fat Greek Wedding.” I was so happy that she had such an awesome day before she passed away. I never thought she could have afforded such a great place, but with some planning a searching it happened.

Best wishes; you’re an amazing son!
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Jholley17 Aug 2022
Oh my gosh you just gave me the most amazing idea to search for. !!! Memory care rental voucher programs assistance in my state! My mom has that but not specifically for a medical facility. I'm feeling hope for the first time in 17 years. It's my chance for freedom. God bless you ☺️
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You should sell her house and have her move in with you or some other relative. Nursing homes are the worst place in the world and even though you do not have a normal life (I don't either, I am taking care of my sick and elderly mother 24/7, so I understand totally), I think in the long run you will feel better about it.
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caroljnorris Jul 2022
Dear HanaLee, It’s wonderful that you’re able to care for your parent at home. Many would have loved to be able to do that as well, but it isn’t always possible for various reasons.
It is especially difficult when the caregiver has a full time job and a busy schedule and commitments. There are other considerations as well, such as stairs or other physical barriers that make it impossible. There are good care options; it doesn’t have to be a nursing home. And regular family visits keep staff on their toes.
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