My Dad lives in SC. I live in OK. We talk two - three times a week. My brother lives near him and helps all the time. He is POA and Executor of all. This is his second caregiving stint as he took care of our uncle for seven years. Dad is 88 yo, still lives on his own, but has back and leg issues, anxiety since mom died 16 years ago, onset memory issues, still drives, but is forgetful and confused at times when I talk to him on the phone. He lives in an upstairs condo where he can hardly climb the stairs. He can afford home help but refuses, won't move to a garden apartment, and will cancel a Drs appointment rather than ask my sis-in-law or brother (who still works but both are willing to drive him anywhere) if it's outside of his driving "comfort zone." (Home to Chic-fil-A to my brother's house to home.) Ironically, I am a Caregiver Coordinator, yet, do not know what to do to help my brother. I can feel the strain in our relationship when I ask about Dad. I'm retiring early (15 months) so I can go spend time with Dad and give my bro & SIL long breaks, but it seems so far from now. I do go visit, but not for long periods of time. I've been reading Aging Care forums for a few years and appreciate the wonderful advice being offered here. Any and all thoughts and ideas are appreciated!
I did solo, long distance caregiving for my parents. Mom died in April and Dad is in memory care now.
Sadly, your dads plight is common with elders. No one wants things to change or admit they can’t handle things any longer. It’s usually a crisis that forces change.
My folks were hanging by a thread for years in their home. The refused any in home help. Not even meals on wheels. Drove me bat s crazy.....
Mom started to have falls, dad had moderate dementia. After a bad fall I moved mom directly from the hospital to assisted living.
Then moved Dad in with her a few days later. It was pure screaming hell but I did it.
This stuff is no one’s fault. We do the best we can. We do as much as elders will allow. I live 600 miles from my folks. The situation would have been the same if I lived next door.
Good luck to you, your dad and your family.
If anyone raises that issue, i.e., of long term care in a hospital rather than rehab setting, be aware that there are hospitals which specifically focus on this. We were guided to Select Specialty Hospital, which at the time rented floor space in St. Joseph Mercy Hospitals in our area.
If you get to this point and want more info, PM me. I had Dad in 2 different ones. If the patient decompensates and needs to return to a "regular hospital", Medicare requires that any return to a long term care hospital can NOT be from the one he/she was previously in. Weird.
I assume that your father is not able to communicate at this time. The ICU nurses said it wasn't really known how much someone could hear or relate to others during this period. So I tried anyway; sang his favorite hymns, played CDs of his favorite music, all the while watching the brain monitor (I can't remember what the specific name of the device is - BMI???.
I noticed that his brain activity increased during these musical sessions!
I'm "sending" healing thoughts for you and all your family. Be sure that each of you takes time out for respite; ICU vigil is emotionally draining.
You reported some improvement 2 days ago - how is he doing now? Tell him he has a horde of well-wishers cheering him on to get up and going asap!!!
What I learned from this experience:
There is no one answer to care giving issues because each and every person and situation are different.
No one is ever fully prepared for the death of a loved one, even with an elder parent.
Having your end-of-life decisions in writing is important, but it is still difficult to deal with the aftermath of a death.
And finally, very strange people come out of the woodwork at funerals.