My mom, who has been back home for 3 weeks with 24/7 care after a stroke, calls me 20 times a day (though I block the calls while I'm at work) telling me she needs me to cancel the aides because she doesn't need them. NO amount of reasoning or logic gets through to her. I feel just terrible for her, because she lives in a small apartment and it is very claustrophobic with an aide there 24/7 but there is no other option. She was twice as miserable in the SNF. I just called her and screamed and sobbed and told her there's nothing I can do about the fact that she had a stroke and that she needs care. She cannot hear it or accept it as reality and insists that I need to tell the aides not to come. Today I started sobbing and screaming and told her to shut the f*ck up and hung up on her. Of course I feel terrible, but I am losing my own mind due to all this and other stuff in my life. Her boyfriend and I visit and take her out 2-4 times a week. She has TV but won't watch it.
Good advice from the posts here
No one can argue like my Viking mom and me and her phone calls drove me over the edge while I was at work
I will say if she cannot accept caregivers in her space you are fighting a losing battle - my mom claims even the private caregiver I have with her overnight in memory care steals from her and wants me to fire her - of course n the next breath she wants to go home and hire her own caregiver - when I remind her that she ran away from the caregiver at home and broke her ankle she ignores me
So after arguing with her tonight I walked out of her room and went to the laundry room and a few minutes later she was out in the common area complaining about me so I changed the subject and asked her if she wanted me to brush her hair - how could she refuse ? At 93 I'm a bit reluctant to walk out mad unless she just won't calm down at all
As for meds - please understand that your mom may have to have something whether or not she wants it - my mom would absolutely refuse if she knew she was being given an anti- psychotic and I struggled with this decision for quite awhile - I tell her it is her BP pill
It's a stinky situation isn't it
If you ever find yourself getting to the point of yelling, just hang up or walk away. We all get angry, but showing it makes both them and us feel bad. I absolutely hate myself when I yell at my mother, even if she needs yelling at sometimes. Hanging up or walking away to cool down is much better. When it comes to yelling at them, don't do it. You can stop yourself.
its amazing how we sometimes figure things out months or years after the fact . ( your mom probably raggin on your dad to go run the roads ) .
nearly anybody has some ability to " play " us but you just aint been " played " till a malwired dementia patient takes you for a spin ..
well said cwillie ;
you cant reason with crazy .
Or many of us here have imaginary helmets that we wear for when we need to bang our head against the wall. That reminds me, I need to clean my helmet and paint that wall !!
Some of us have found "agreeing" with our parent can help if you think they won't remember that the next day. That way, they feel better, and you feel better [win-win]. "Yes, Mom, we will let the Aides go next week" [but you don't].
Otherwise you die first.
My Mom [late 90's] was also very stubborn. Her doctor insisted she have caregivers around the clock as there was no way my Dad [in his 90's] could take care of her. When I brought Mom home from the hospital she was running around like she never was in the hospital [she had a major fall and had a brain bleed], wow talk about a fast recovery. On the 3rd day the caregivers left as Mom was being very insulting.
I've gotten angry on the phone, too, with my parents, especially my Dad who was trying to guilt me into driving them, he would say he would start driving again. That was a big panic button with me. It wasn't until Mom had passed that I realized it probably was my Mom chewing on his ear about needing to be driven somewhere.
You wrote that you and your Mom's boyfriend take her out 2 to 4 times a week. You need to cut that back. If the boyfriend wants to take her out, then let him... if he doesn't drive, then he can hire a taxi. Your Mom needs to settle into her new "norm" until she gets better.