My mom has been in an AL with private care givers for 8 months. Her cost of care is 140k a year. She’s 80, 100% cognitive but an extreme fall risk. Been hospitalized/rehab twice before I hired private caregivers. Between her savings and monthly property incomes she has enough for about 10 yrs. After that we can sell one of her rental properties which would give her another 8 yrs. She will never need to sell everything unless she lives to 150! I’m her only daughter and her POA. My 2 brothers seem heartless and only focus on the money. HER money btw. One has asked me several times in heated debates over her cost of care, “how much longer do you think she’s going to live?” I break out in tears with this question. I don’t know how to handle this question and it makes me so confused and depressed. How can her son feel this way? Fyi fantastic mom who sacrificed a lot for her children.
Lets see if he has the cajones.
There are 7 of us kids, 3 boys and 4 girls. The girls are the ones that have taken on the responsibility of providing for mom. Our response to inconsiderate money statements is as follows: 'Mom and dad (dad passed 14 years ago) worked hard to get what they have. We will use every penny to ensure she is taken care of. No where is it written that any of should receive an inheritance. Get a job and work for what you want like they did.' This statement has stopped the insensitive statements for now.
How about a simple " I don't know". FOLLOWED by going " no contact ". I can't imagine anyone having to go through this. And I can't imagine continuing a relationship with someone who is so selfish.
So tired of the many who believe they are entitled to an inheritance. Seriously. If parents wind up leaving children something, they should be grateful and view it as a gift, not expected. How about they work hard like our folks did to get ahead? So, they can leave their children something!
This does two things. First, it turns the pressure back on him, not you. You can even sound concerned and sympathetic. Just keep asking him the questions, not trying to deal with HIS questions.
Second, it’s true that many people grew up expecting an inheritance, and parents expected to provide it. Everything is now different (longer lives, higher costs of care, expectation that old age is self-pay) and it can be quite difficult for many people to adjust. A discussion might bring it out into the open and reduce the persistent questions.
Just something to think about.
You do not need to respond to questions. Hopefully she has made a will and completed end-of-life options with an attorney, if not, you might want to ask her to make an appointment and set up a Zoom meeting.
Set healthy boundaries of self-protection and plan a nice vacation that's not refundable. There are wonderful retreats to consider like Chopra's.
https://chopra.com/retreats?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=GS_NB_COLD_Perfect-Health_Exact&utm_content=WellnessRetreats-Exact_chopra%20retreat&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIn_nO7Oie9wIVLB-tBh1Y6w-7EAAYASABEgL6fvD_BwE
But look. Perhaps the outspoken brother is in financial distress of some sort, in which case watching the money fly away at the rate it is doing will be stressful for him and it isn't reasonable to reproach him for that. He can care about your mother AND be very worried about whether her money is being sensibly spent, you know.
Has either brother suggested a more economical way of providing your mother with an equally high quality of care?
That would be my answer.