How do I tell my mom with dementia that she's going to a memory care facility?

Dear Newmember, you might not be an only child because I think your mom and mine were sisters. When I looks back on my life, I realize that dementia was not entirely to blame for my mom's attitude and personality, but was a magnification of those traits. She had always been narcissistic, dramatic and a class A martyr. Now, I lost my mom last November and as time goes on, I miss her more and more. But life with her was "interesting" to say the least. I had seen small signs of dementia for years. When she crashed in 2013, I "lucked out" and she had to be 911-ed to the ER, then admitted for a raging UTI. After she displayed combative and delusional behavior in the hospital, I gave my permission for a psych evaluation and was informed she was no longer able to live on her own. Moving in with me was not an option, and I was lucky to find a wonderful nursing home. But my situation would have been the same as your's is. Mom was all but insistent on moving in with me. So, I got the anger and accusations after it was already a done deal and she was in the skilled facility. I started out visiting every other day. Then, as she got nastier and more accusatory, once telling me she wished she'd married a man other than my father, I cut my visits down to twice a week. And as dementia got a good grip on her, I went one weekend day and maybe once during the week. Did I feel guilty? Sure. Still do now. But I did NOT let the guilt control me. She was well-taken care of at the NH. A doctor came once a week. Meals weren't gourmet but were fine. Her room was clean and if I had any issues, I advocated until it was taken care of. I respected her and she had all she needed, I got her anything she wanted. I took care of her finances and anything else that came up. Although she had funeral pre-planning, we still spent more than $5000 that we didn't have when she passed. I am content in knowing that in her final years, I did the best I could. Maybe I could have done things differently or better, but for my own sanity and peace of mind, I did what I had the means to do. Handle your mom's affairs the best way you know how. Avoid the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" mentality. Take her for a "family outing" whose destination, unbeknownst to her, will be the facility. Then, continue on being the angel you are and get on with your life knowing Mom is safe and fine, if not happy.

I'm not sure there's really going to be any easy way to tell her, but hopefully she has a very trustworthy guardian who won't take advantage of her

Hopefully you have the resources and manpower to get her moved. If not, you won't be able to get her moved until you get what's needed to get it done. Hopefully you actually have a vehicle because without one you won't get her nowhere since it takes a vehicle to move someone like this. When dealing with my foster dad who needed to be moved from a run down slum to a new apartment for other placement, I couldn't move him by myself, especially without a car  or some other form of reliable vehicle because all I had back then was a bicycle and there was no way I could get him and his stuff moved with my situation. I could've landed him an apartment but there's no way I could've physically gotten him there with no help or vehicle. Eventually what was needed came in to place and they moved him for me since I just wasn't able and it was a well needed move

PersonalRep5484 make good points. Your challenge will be to get her clothes and personal items out of her house and into her room. Are you able to pack up some things now without being obvious? Toss some clothes and personal items into a trash bag and into the trunk of your car without her seeing them. Then take them to the new place and hang them up in the closet and put photos on the wall so it looks like home. You need help on the actual move-in day. Get family or friends to help with this. They can maybe take mom to lunch, while you and a friend quickly take items out of the house and prepare her new room. The facility has dealt with this issue many times so do ask their advice also. Maybe even take her there for lunch, and then she goes back to her room with all of her things in it. Then, for the next few weeks, when you visit, take her 1 additional item - a sweater, a nick nack, a pair of pants. This is a season in your life and it is tough. Be sure, after the move, to take some time for yourself.

NewMember

I would have much preferred to keep mom at home but her frequent falls and near refusal to allow caregivers in the house while I was at work 55+ hours a week finally took its toll - the past 18 months have been fraught with challenges and her health has declined dramatically since the move to memory care but others on this forum have had good experiences too so don't get discouraged by what you know has to be done

here are my top 5 suggestions- feel free to message me anytime with any particular questions

1. Don't tell her ahead of time but if you have to tell her something then lie and tell her house repairs or termite tenting require her to take a little vacation where she can rest

2. If she hasn't already been to a neurologist or psychiatrist then do so, probably 90% of residents in memory care facilities are on meds for behavior - while memory care may be a bit more acceptance of behaviors, they will call in their own providers who in our experience will sedate

3. If your mom has a friend or sibling who can visit this will help - if you can afford it and mom is used to a particular caregiver then arrange for that to continue for a couple of hours a day

4. Think of what will bring mom comfort in her new room - for mom, it was these things: a bar of ivory soap in the bathroom, an adjustable full size bed with her own comforter and sheets, a large framed portrait of her parents hung on the wall next to her bed and above all else, a purse - I found a light weight washable one, put a little coin purse with some realistic fake money in it and would always stock it with little treats - lifesavers, peppermint candies, goldfish, tissues, and a readers digest - up until the last month, she wore this around her neck - it went missing several times and once her fake money was stolen but she wouldn't have lasted so long without it

5. Memory care is not for the faint of heart, some adapt quickly and don't care where they are and others never really adjust and want to go home like my mom so I made visits, usually in the evening, a bit of an event with pie or some kind of treat to share with the other residents still up late, and would try to take mom out to dinner and sometimes a movie 

So no guilt, no regrets but your mom will still need you, her journey is not over yet

We had to put my husband's parents in a nursing home both because their dementia and Alzheimer's was starting to roll forward. It doesn't make you a bad daughter in fact it will her more than you think. You'll just put her in the car telling her your going to just take her for a drive and go there. She will be a bit testy but she'll forget about it. They'll put her on a calming medicine and a routine will take place. It will be ok truly. My Mil is the matriarch and she put up a big fuss. Got them in the same room ( fil passed away about a year later) she fought about showers etc. But soon realized she wasn't going to win and that they weren't out to harm her. Finding a great NH makes it easier for transition. But if she won't go..talk to the social worker at the NH they can help.

New member - your concerns echo many of mine when I moved my mom into a Memory Care facility in my town after two years of trying to manage her care in her condo 100 miles away from me. Driving back and forth at least once a week after my dad passed away. How to address it with her, how to manage the emotional aftermath, much less the logistics of changing Medicare plans, doctors, dentist, physical therapy and the list goes on. I ended up being matter of fact and talking about the move minimally but always like the decision was hers and I was grateful she understood that I couldn't keep up driving back and forth.
We are now six months post move and I can say it's so much better to be driving 15 minutes to see her, not 2 hours, especially when she's having a bad day. The care she receives and my ability to supplement that with almost daily visits has improved her quality of life tremendously. She still refuses meals, does not participate in activities very often and fights showering even once a week. So some things are difficult and will continue to get even more so. But yours and my ability to cope with the relentless decline that is Alzheimer's/dementia can only be balanced with having some life of your own and consistent routine care for your mom. So clear your conscience and be assured that you and your mother will survive the move and be the better for it. My heart goes out to you and anyone else making this transition.

Before you get her in the car, do you have time to personalize her room with some pictures, photo albums, pillows, blankets, candy dish, maybe one or two small pieces of furniture?

Given that your mother has dementia, telling her in advance may agitate her. Unfortunately, white lies become necessary as cognitive function declines. You may need to use one to get her in the car e.g. "Mom, we're going to see my friend [insert name of memory care move in coordinator] for a visit."

Is your mother better in the morning or afternoon? Try to have move in time coincide with when she's calmer.

This will be hard and painful. Try to remember that you are doing what is best for your mother.

Dear NewMember - you caregiving story sounds like mine. Eventually she began to have panic attacks (in addition to her years' long paranoia) and I learned a lot about Panic Attacks. They are physically debilitating. I sat many nights all night long - all day long - in the hospital while they tried to diagnose her. Like you said, my mom's organs were all fine - AOK. (at 96, organs still good but just went blind - another huge problem to deal with.) - She is now in MemoryCare. During one of her many Hospitalizations back then for what turned out to be Panic Attack (despite she was on meds), the Discharge Planner - a real tough gal - said, "SHE CAN NOT LIVE ALONE ANYMORE. AND she can't DRIVE EITHER!" Period. My husband and I had moved down to her large retirement community in Orange County and had bought a condo right next to her to take care of her. BUT..when the DP said (she was 92) that she needed 24/7 care now, I just JUMPED on that. Also, her Primary Care Provider (also our doctor now too) said very wisely, "When you are considering all the reasons to make this move, the FIRST ONE IS: SAFETY. " I have always let that be my Guide: SAFETY. Wandering out the door, falling down, wrong meds, et al. So, I just bulldozed ahead and firmly told her that this is what we are doing. She went along with it begrudgingly - I said "it is mandatory" (she didn't really believe me), and the 24/7 lowest level of caregiver cost us almost $3000 for only SIX DAYS. Who can afford that? First we found wonderful Independent Living / Assisting Living - a half a mile from us. I really did a bang up job (if I don't say so myself) of taking about 400 sq ft and making a workable apartment for her. I was there a lot - and of course like you I continued to do all the paperwork, doctor appts - shopping, and entertainment for her. She was pretty happy but for 3 years complained mightily about no driver's license. (She's newly blind now due to unexpected optic nerve stroke, but STILL wants that Driver's License!) - Assist Living was fine for 2 years but she began to wander (and was very unstable but would not use a walker) and because they were not a locked facility, told us we had to move. Found a wonderful MemoryCare where she has been for 2 years. It still is my retirement "Fulltime-Part-time job" - It doesn't end with a move to Memorycare, but....you now have a big weight off your mind with health emergencies... and you now have some moments to yourself to decompress. I've been the solo family member helping her for 30 years while I worked full-time and took care of my own household, and I'm tried, but if not me, then who? She has become sweeter and appreciative in her mid-90's. That's a bonus.

My mother is my best friend and we are very close. When dementia moved in, we moved her nearby to a senior apartment where she resided for several years, and then when that became difficult for her, she lived with us for a few more years. When she wandered at our cottage into the nearby woods and a search party of 100, the DNR, and local police came to find her, I knew she needed to go to an assisted living/memory care facility. Despite her geriatric doctor and her heart doctor telling me it was time to do so, I waited 6 more months. My mother had always expressed her view that she would not go to such a facility so I relied particularly on one brother and one sister (who live in different states but came to help when the day came to bring her to a place I had found) and the doctor's advice. My sister wanted my mother to choose a floor plan and visit the facility ahead of time, but I told her the doctor said just to bring her and she will think her room is her apt/house. When the day neared, I was still not convinced that my mother would get out of the car to go into a building (the facility) and so I called the doctor for his advice and talked with the staff at the memory care facility. The facility staff said to park in the first stall by the door and they would be at the door to help out. They reassured me that they have done this before :). The doctor told me to increase one of her anxiety medicines a few days before this time. My brother (whom my mother adores) took my mother for the whole day on a road trip... to some of her favorite spots, out to lunch, etc. My sister and I packed up the two vans with some of her things that we had predetermined would be good to bring for her room. The facility supplies a bed, nightstand, and dresser. I had all of mom's things labeled ahead of time and my sister and I and the staff prepared her room. Then we all waited by the door as my brother kept calling me about the arrival time. I honestly believed my mother would not come in or she would express her disapproval about staying... but apparently she had to go to the bathroom and my brother said to her (in the car) that he needed to use the restroom and that this building must have one and since my mother needed to use the restroom, too, she walked in. She was surprised to see us (my sister and I) in the foyer, she used the bathroom, and my sister told her that we had found a new apartment for her. We walked down to her "new" room, and all her things were there. My sister stayed to have dinner with my mother and then helped my mother go to bed. The staff peeked in and introduced themselves and everyone was upbeat. The next day I visited my mother and she did not remember I was there the day before. She was happy. She liked the food, etc. We (my brother and sister) think that it is a relief to her. She has privacy in her own room. The facility is small (max. 30 residents), clean, overlooks a lake, has a beautiful courtyard, and many daily activities. It specializes in memory care. My mother has been there 3 years now and I visit a few times a week. I bring her to her medical appointments but no longer have to be responsible for her medicines, etc. I can't tell you it was easy. I can't tell you that there have not been times when I questioned if it was the right thing to do. I can't tell you that everything is perfect. But I can tell you that it was necessary for her own health and safety and for the well-being of my family and especially myself. My siblings live so far away that I was consumed with dealing with my mother and her needs. I have learned to work within the system to make the situation the best it can be for my mother. So in summary, my words of wisdom are to pray, seek the advice of a doctor who knows your mom and the facility staff, allow others to help you (in my case two of my siblings), and plan (decide what to bring, purchase items ahead of time, etc.) so when the specific date comes, you are as prepared as possible. I wish you all the best. Take care.

There is hope at the end of this long dark tunnel. My mother was so angry and so uncooperative but she simply could not go back home. She had broken her hip had Advanced dementia and was dirty and had urinary tract infections all the time couldn't cook for herself. Difficult doesn't even begin to describe her personality. It was not only h*ll for her children but for her. She was as mad as all h*ll when they transferred her from the hospital to the care home. My poor sister was there and she got the brunt of her anger. But and this is the big but once my mother was in her own room and the staff treated her extremely well and she had good food and her medication which they snuck in her chocolate pudding she begin to mellow out and she began to like where she was. We were all shocked because she said she would never ever ever go to a care home. The fact is they have equipment that helps then transport the elderly your mother's going to receive balanced meals she's going to be cleaned and washed so it's going to be fewer new UTIs. My mother actually loved her room she thought she was back in Holland where she grew up and last Christmas before she died they was a miracle after a year of not knowing who I was she recognized me and we actually had a nice conversation. One of the staff members she really liked and he was a great guy. Make sure to check in on your mom and hopefully the anger and the nastiness will burn away as the disease progresses. My mother's last year was peaceful for the first time I think in her life. I know everybody has horror stories of care facilities but they treated my mom like a queen. So if you have to lie to get her there do so. And then give it a little while there will be tantrums and anger and maybe throwing a few things around the staff are ready for that they take it very calmly and it's not personal. I can only tell you that I wish we have moved our mother sooner because she was actually happy and healthy well as healthy as you can be with dementia. Good luck

Hello Newmember.. no, you are NOT a terrible person for wanting to make sure your mom is taken care of and also have a somewhat normal life for yourself. I was in a similar situation as you and my mom (who lived in another state) was declining mentally and physically all the while telling us that we could not move her and she was going to "die in her own home". Well, after nearly 5 years of me going back and forth, constant phone calls to doctors and home health and several urgent calls in the middle of the night..she almost did die in her own home. After she spent 10 days in the hospital, we decided to move her to an A.L. near us in our state. We went from the hospital, to the airport and when we drove in to town I drove her straight to her A.L. apartment which had already been set up by my husband and son. I told her on the plane we were moving her into a new apartment where she would have a lot of help, great fun with new friends and no longer have to be alone most of the time. She wasn't thrilled and seemed sad about it at times. She also asked me at least 100 times for the first few months if she was going back to her house and I would just say, not yet. That was 3 years ago. Like other posters have said, you wont relieve yourself of ALL the stresses but at least you can come home at night and be with your family. You can wake up in the morning and have a cup of coffee knowing your mom is being tended to. You can and should do this for yourself, your family and for her. I visit my mom 3-4 times a week, bring her some chocolates or flowers. We play bingo and attend the parties, etc. It hasn't been all roses, and yes, they have lost a couple of her clothing items and sometimes her hair isn't fixed the way I like it, but I know that she is safe, fed, clean and tended to. I too struggle with guilt and second guess my decisions all the time but in the end we can only do our very best to show them we love them and be there for them. Sometimes the best decision is the hardest one. Best of luck to you!!

My mother in law insisted on bringing her purse to the Assisted Living facility. Since she was very anxious about being there, we printed a letter in large bold type that explained where she was and why. The letter and not much more went into the purse which she carried everywhere. The staff said she read it many times.

Your situation is very similar to my own except my mother's dementia was just starting when I placed her in Assisted Living after being her "case manager" (excellent wording btw) for 17 years. In my case, she was in rehab in a nursing home and I refused to take her back to her house. I wrote it out on a piece of paper. I prepared her room with her things and the Assisted Living staff picked her up. It would have been much harder from home. As it was, she was angry. Very angry. Adjustment took months. Now that her dementia has increased, I am hoping she can remain in AL rather than move to the memory care side. There is nothing you can say to make her understand. Gird your loins, set limits and continue to advocate for her. There will be no thanks but you will get some of your own sanity back. If it is a good place, your mother will be better off too.Nursejen suggested staying away for awhile and I think that is a good idea. At first I only visited when I was with someone else..a relative or a medical person. After a while I established a regular visiting habit and brought something pleasant...a donut, a picture, a new towel. It helped.

this is clearly the best thing for both of you and generally speaking, most administrators and social workers suggest you stay away for a few weeks, at least, to allow her to adapt and focus on connecting with other residents instead of focusing on you for everything. Just take the advice given to you by the professionals there, and they will guide you during this adjustment period. I think putting some distance between you and her, in the beginning, creates a new relationship of sorts and hopefully, now, you may find some pleasure in visiting hereafter, knowing that her needs are being met and you can simply be her daughter again and not her life manager. sleep well knowing you have made an important decision and expect a good outcome for both of you.

My father has dementia and short term memory loss and doesn't remember moving in to the Assisted Living facility and doesn't remember having to move in to the new Memory Care facility. Move her on short notice and don't give her the chance to say no. Just load her up and go cause we are going for a ride. Get her there and let the staff greet her and distract her and while that is going on move her stuff in. Less stress for you and her.

I think the situation is different for everyone. Have you brought the subject up with mom, ever? I would start there, ask her what she thinks of a senior living facility or mention a place you know of, so-and-so loves this place etc. Some people are receptive and some are not. Some people with dementia will remember the conversation some will not.

My mom was not open to an assisted living facility at all. She thought she was fine, she never accepted her Alzheimer's diagnosis. I tricked her. I hired a geriatric care manager to pick her up from daycare and take her to lunch. They went to the facility, had lunch and then she was told she would be staying there while I was out of town. This did not make sense to her since in her mind daycare was work, she didn't live with me - she was just visiting so why would she need to stay there. Since your mom is highly anxious the first few weeks may be difficult.

Your not a horrible person; you just can't do it anymore. I understand that. My mom is 94, has been under hospice care for 8 months and her health has deteriorated rapidly. I felt guilty at first, but now I am really glad I placed her; she needs so much more care now than when she lived with me.  I think you are beginning to realize that too. 

Yes, if this is your focus, prepare her room with familiar items, make sure she has comfortable bed linens, egg crate, pillow top, her own pillows, bed linens with her name LARGE on them. A warm blanket, as the elderly are cold at night. Thank photos, fake flowers. We had to bring orbuy furniture for her room. Primary care drs u should be able to select,. I had to still arrange and take her to the dentist, heart dr, urologist etc If transportation was provided I still had to meet her there to discuss care, coverage etc

What I found worked with my Mom was to put it into a one page written document. Simple sentences. Facts only.

Let her read this. Let her keep it. After reading it over and over during the course of a couple days, it would become clear that Mom completely understood it, and would even remember it.
Sometimes she didn't remember what was written, but she would remember I wrote something and she would go back and read it first.

Now, my Mom was very easy going and pleasant to be around. If I had to put her in a nursing home it would have broken her heart. I do not know how I would have dealt with that! Fortunately, I didn't have to.

NewMember -- I urge you to free yourself of any guilt feelings you have by ignoring your need to explain anything to your mother. My husband's hospice team insisted that I put him in a nursing home for both our sakes. They said to tell him only the day before he was to go there. I followed their suggestion and -- the day before he was to go -- started packing his clothes. I gave him only a brief explanation of why it was necessary. He was surprisingly agreeable and told me what small items he wanted to take with him. I admit that he did not remain that agreeable after a few months.

I think it is a very good idea to move your mother to a high quality memory care facility. So I support you in this. That's step one, and these aren't "buts", just notes to bear in mind which I hope will make you feel better.

It is true to say that this will not totally remove all your anxieties and free you "just" to be a daughter, though I wouldn't be quite as devastatingly pessimistic as the previous poster. I looked after my mother at home; my cousin looked after hers - as you have done - in the mother's own home for many years before arranging residential care for her; and although there were pros and cons on both sides overall I wouldn't say that my cousin was a lot less stressed or worked less hard than I did - we just had different things to worry about, and different tasks consuming our time. Even down to the guilt: I felt guilty about not being better at the job, she felt guilty about delegating parts of the job. You can't win. That's just life.

It sounds as if you have found a good, high quality unit that understands its professional business very well; and that is why I think this move will benefit your mother as well as you.

This is the main reason, and I don't want you to take it as a criticism because dementia is a nightmare and nobody can be blamed for not handling it to perfection. But it is when you say that your mother has horrible panic attacks for no reason. Actually, she has excellent reasons. You have taken over all the stressors = you have taken over control = she has no control. That wouldn't make you anxious, if it were you? Sadly, too, it is part of the cruelty of dementia that sufferers do not lose all insight into themselves. Until the very late stages, they can be painfully aware that they are - literally - losing their minds. That wouldn't bother you, if it were you?

So your mother feels helpless and terrified, probably angry too: she very much needs the calm, confident secure environment that you are about to provide for her. And even though she may not (let's face it, probably will not) thank you for it you are doing the right thing for both of you. Grit your teeth and get it done.

Final comforting thought: planning is one of the skills that dementia destroys, and involving people with established dementia in planning merely stresses them without meaningfully supporting their autonomy. Best practice is therefore that you do NOT start reminding people about appointments or engagements in advance, let alone major changes. The correct thing instead is to make the transition as smooth and continuous as possible, for example by moving familiar objects such as curtains, bed linen, ornaments, photographs to her new room ahead of the move. If you can arrange for her to meet one or two key personnel from the unit too that would be ideal.

Best of luck, please come back and update us.

Sorry for typos. Teanquiled should be tranqilized. There are others, u will get the jist. My mom had a man following her around, another patient, they could not stop him because he had not gotten phyical with her, except when they caught him in her room watching her. Keep in mind your mom is frail and when aides rush her due to overloads, it hurts her body. They won't push her to eat either. I watched my mom deteriate fast, in the living assisted home. I watched how when she became wheelchair bound how they used her wheelchair to
Open doors, pushed by moms feet pedals, vs turning around and the aide using their backs to open doors. My mom was so upset, her ankles black and blue she reported it, then things Got Worse for her. Aides did not want to help her as they stick together when one is complianed about. I had panic attacks myself from dealing with the system.

It is not much easier, my mom had to wait 15 minutes to be taken to the bathroom by aides. Because the aides are overloaded they rush when dressing and undressing patients. The food was awful, often over cooked and dried out. I had to watch to make new meds were not introduced that teanquiled her or caused her to have hillucinations. I had to be there almost every day. Her clothing was stollen or lost in the laundry and I had to replace them. Everything still must be labeled. You need to stay on top
Of the pharmacy bills as they can't keep track of everything, they submit prescriptions even though the plan may not cover it, then u have to pay. Socially there are things to do if a person is willing and able or they just sit in a chair or wander aimlessly. Sometimes they get so depressed they choose to stay in bed all day. If u can keep her in her own home, or sell her home and put her in a senior apt building and use her home money for her care that is what I suggest. If she goes on Medicaid within 5 yrs, they will lien her property. Medicaid has the right to any of her property transferred or in her name within the 5 yr lookback. Make sure u have discussed everything with a good eldercare/ medicaid attorney. Keep in mind u will still have out of pocket expenses to help her just as she had raising you. I
Know it is not easy, but these are facts, unfortunately it gets easy in some ways but more difficult in other ways. Of course they accept her they see her as income coming in, especially if she has assets. Good luck

Thanks for asking this. This is what's on my mind. I have been doing the same thing starting out with both parents. Dad passed last year. Moms changing. I have been dealing with caregivers, no-show sibling, aging home, 22 mile drive one-way. I have a NH at top of my next street. I have figure the money, and have made up my mind for mom to stay in her home one more year. I know my mom will be so upset, but I'm actually no good anymore. This is such a good website. New member you've done it,7 years is a long time good luck and god bless you all.

Don't tell her.
Tell her whatever you think would work (mine was she was going to the doctor-she LOVES going to the doctor.) My mom was adamant that she would never go to a place like that. "I don't need it", she would say. When her confusion got out of control, I knew if I said that she was going, it would take an act of God to get her in the car. She'd physically fight me if she had to.

Sorry, just lie and it will go a lot smoother.....until she's in and you leave. Don't worry, she'll adjust. I slept there the first night with her and left, on the sly, after breakfast. You have to do what's best and whatever it takes for them to be cooperative.

AS long as you have POA and letter from MD stating she can't live by herself, in an extreme situation, the police can "escort" her out. I sure wouldn't want to take that route.
If you tell her a couple of weeks before she goes, what happens when she sits down and won't go? Then, in a few weeks, you'll have to lie to her anyway to get her in the car.

I think there is nothing more difficult than telling your loved one they have to live in an assisted living (AL) and nothing more painful than seeing the loved one scared to go. I was in your shoes a few months ago when my husband had a crisis and refused to go to an AL. I enlisted the help of the staff at the AL and asked the doctors to write him a letter encouraging him to go. When the advice comes from someone with authority, it is more believable, even though it may contain therapeutic fibs. Fortunately, my husband had a momentary clarity and understood why he had to live in an AL, he agreed. I immediately put him in the car and drove there and admitted him. The next 2 weeks, he hated me and I cried at home, at work, and in the car for doing that to him. His new medication to control his agitation started to kick in and now he is calmer and talking to me, but he is still unhappy there. He wants to go home. His trust for me was severely damaged and will take time to heal, but at least he is safe.

I often ask myself: If I were the one with dementia, would I want to go to an AL. Heck no, because can be very isolating. Living inside a restrictive setting with a bunch of strangers is never fun for anyone. I try to visit my husband daily, even though he is still angry at me, but at least he has a familiar face near him and protect him. I encourage you to do the same with your mom.

One other advice I want to dispense is that you are her advocate. If you don't understand what the caregivers there are saying or doing, stop them and ask for clarification. Because if you don't understand, how will your mother understand?

Honestly I wouldn't give her the option by asking her or trying to explain something she most likely won't understand anyway. I tried to explain it to my father and asked if he wanted to go and the answer was always "no". One day like you I had enough and asked him to get in the truck we are going for a drive. I drove him right there and we got out and went inside. It helped that the staff and other residents were there when he went in and they all greeted him at the door. That put him at ease and he was fine. The other residents actually welcomed him and told him he would like it there and they would love to have him come stay with them.

With her dementia it's a waste of time to try and explain/reason/convince her of anything. Do what ever it takes to get her in the car and moved in. Tell her were going to lunch, for a ride, whatever works. Staff at these facilities have been through this many times and will be very helpful.

No, you are not a horrible person.  Quite the contrary.  For the years of caregiving you have provided, I hereby nominate you for sainthood.  Do this for your mom and yourself.

I really hope you have the POA for health and finance. As far as getting her into the car to go to the NH, you will probably need to use some therapeutic lies, aka 'little white lies.'
The caregivers at the NH will likely help you get her in the home provided they know you are coming and your concerns. Good luck and Godspeed.

Sounds like you answered your own question. You had some great thoughts. You need this. But actually getting her there will take some thinking.