How do you deal with your parents passing?

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How do you deal with your parents passing?

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Both my parents passed away in 2020 and it's still hard. They lived with me and my husband. I still haven't gone thru all their items.

Depression End of Life Family Caregiver Mental Health

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Going through their things really is a part of the process. If that's too difficult for you at this point, I recommend a grief counsellor or support group. When my Dad passed, I remember feeling really numb while going through all his things, but one things that helped was donating his clothing to a men's shelter. I did keep some shirts that I may sew up into a memory quilt or pillows at some point, but that's all. We donated his books, set aside stuff for all the grandkids, and chose some cherished items to keep for ourselves.

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A friend had blankets made up of her husbands Tshirts that had sayings and sports leagues in them and gave one to each of tge grands.

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I attack getting rid of things immediately so that I can move forward with my life. Avoidance really doesn't accomplish anything, and having their stuff around only makes is worse for you.

Seems that you are stuck, might be time for you get some grief counseling.

We are born to die, each day we are one step closer. While here, it is up to us to treat each day as a gift. The past is gone, the future unknown, today is to be embraced.

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Each day is a gift, that's why we call it the present!

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You take one day at a time. One box at a time.
If you have not talked to a Bereavement Counselor it might be time.
I can not relate to the loss of a parent as an adult. I was 11 when my Mom died and just over 4 years later my Dad died. And my Grandma died between the two of them. This was back when there were no "grief counselors, therapists, support groups" that kids would be able to talk about their feelings. My sister and I dealt with it day by day. To this day there are times when I get a bit melancholy and wonder what they would think of me as an adult. And I think about what it would be like to have been an adult caregiver for the 3 of them.
There is a little note above my computer that sorta helps sometimes.
Grief never ends
But it changes
It is a passage,
not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith.
It is the price of love.

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Thank you, so very much for this. I’m writing it down and maybe it’ll help me when I’m still dealing (a lot of times not very successfully!) with grief on a daily basis.

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I was raised where death was part of life. We grieve and go from there. If u have faith, you tell yourself they are in a much better place free from worries and pain. My Mom was 89 in the last stages of Dementia. Her passing was a blessing. Dad passed at 79 from heart problems and he considered he was on borrowed time. He felt he was going to die in his 60s.

Time to get rid of their things. And as you do, allow the memories. Have a good cry. If after you do all that and you still feel like you do now, you may need to see a grief counselor.

I like cinderblocks idea. As I replied to her, you can have a blanket made out of Tshirts. Favorite shirts made in to pillows, you can hug.

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Yes death is hard.
I agree with a couple of the other answers.
My story quickly.... my Mama died... 4 months later my friends mom died. I went through my Mamas things the weekend she died, before we even had the appointment with the counselor at the mortuary. My friend she waited a few months (the reason I remember that is I had told her is... family and friends may have send you money knowing you may need it you need to go through your mail) she finally went through her mail found checks from friends and family and that started the ball rolling because she went through her moms things, and her dads things (he passed 10 years before her mom). Well every time she would come across something that would bring up a memory... well she and I would reminisce then move on. Tears, love, then peace. I will always cry when I watch a program my Mama liked or make one of her special foods, or when I watch a western that my Daddy loved or fill my car with gas (he taught me to drive and to fill my car with gas). Yes its hard, yes you will miss them, yes you will remember them, yes you will cry all these things will never end they may lessen but when you love you have that forever! Do not be afraid its natural its love!

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Take pictures of their things, store the pictures on a digital device. Then toss the things. When you want to reminisce, view them on your computer or TV. It really is better than feeling that you have to keep a lot of old junk. Works for me and was satisfying to get it over with.

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I suggest you have stuffed animals made from the clothing your parents wore most often. That's what I did and every time I look at the stuffies, it reminds me of them. Hold onto the mementos you love, then donate the remainder to a worthy cause. At your convenience, of course, because there is no timetable to grief.

I recommend this book for you: On Grief & Grieving, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler

https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Grieving-David-Kubler-Ross/dp/1471139883/ref=sr_1_3?crid=13LIUOB1RMYDT&keywords=on+grief+and+grieving+by+elizabeth+kubler-ross&qid=1658443378&sprefix=on+grie%2Caps%2C179&sr=8-3&ufe=app_do%3Aamzn1.fos.2b70bf2b-6730-4ccf-ab97-eb60747b8daf

David Kessler went on to write another book discussing what he calls the 6th stage of grief: Finding Meaning

Oftentimes, we get so caught up in caregiving for a parent or loved one that we lose ourselves in the process. Then they pass, and we find ourselves lost, without meaning, trying to figure out 'what now?' You may be at that point in your life, I don't know. If so, check out this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-Sixth-Stage-Grief/dp/1501192744/ref=pd_bxgy_sccl_1/141-2965975-2682854?pd_rd_w=3p9Sm&content-id=amzn1.sym.7757a8b5-874e-4a67-9d85-54ed32f01737&pf_rd_p=7757a8b5-874e-4a67-9d85-54ed32f01737&pf_rd_r=G65WEWAJVCT0153C8QSA&pd_rd_wg=bI2z9&pd_rd_r=7cfdb564-ffcb-4326-8830-1743468baccb&pd_rd_i=1501192744&psc=1

For most of his life, Kessler taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about end of life, trauma, and grief, as well as leading talks and retreats for those experiencing grief. Despite his knowledge, his life was upended by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son. How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth stage of grief—meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss.

My condolences on the loss of your parents; I know how hard it is, so my heart goes out to you. Wishing you peace and acceptance as you move forward with your life.

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Yes to all of this. These are the books that also helped me after the death of my Mom in 2006 and I'm trying to draw on what that gave me as I currently experience my Dad's decline. Your response is perfect and I wish everyone could read it. Thank you!

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I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear parents. I lost both of mine last year in less than a month, so maybe I can help with a few thoughts.
- I still miss them very much and always will. Tears still come at unexpected times.
- The best thing I did was have several sessions with a therapist. Perhaps that, or a grief group, or even online message boards. A couple of sites that I appreciate: whatsyourgrief.com and grief.com.
- Going through their items was exhausting and emotional, and at times generated a laugh. But it's important to do it, and important to feel the feels, no matter how strong. The only way through the grief is to really feel it, not by avoiding it.

I wish you all the best. You can do this.

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I miss my parents and am kicking myself for not asking them questions about their ancestry, etc. Yet at the same time I feel liberated and emancipated.

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You will always miss your parents and any loved ones who die. Grief is something you incorporate into your life experience, but it is not ALL of your life experience. Acknowledge your sadness and "carry it with you," but participate in life. Find moments of joy and beauty around you. Share the person your parents helped you be with other people.

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I spent over a month going through my parents things after my mom passed earlier this year. We had to sell her house so there was no escaping it. My mom was an artist and a world class shopper. My emotions ranged from annoyance (how many beige linen suits do you really need?) to involuntary tears holding her little green suede loafers and back again. I donated, threw, gifted and divided among the sisters and relatives. I believe that it was extremely valuable as I was able to experience the entirety of my parents lives, and not get stuck in the dementia of my moms final years. I found a book of my grandmother’s poems, written during world war 2. A box of letters that my parents wrote while they were courting. Ps that box was at the bottom of a pile of faded Xmas decorations bound for the trash. Along with the other stages of grief mentioned by others, I would say have the courage to go through their things. I don’t regret the things that I got rid of but I’m immensely comforted by the items in my house now, as it symbolizes who they were and how they live on in me and my sisters. Good bless you.

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Look up the local GriefShare group in your area and attend. It’s very helpful in working through your grief and all the practical matters involved in the death of a loved one.

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I celebrated it was a relief. I never got along with my parents. Fortunately my sister who was the executor took
care of all the ****.

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Hey simple. I have a family member that is like you.. I simply consider him none compassionate, soulless *****.

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Dpn't thionk about it in any bad way. Just do something good with your life. You should expect them to die before you. Take a break and go travel. If they left you money, you and your husband should go on a cruise and thank your parents for that adventure.

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My mother passed away 4 months ago. I had an initial surge of energy to go through her papers and things when I vacated her apartment in a senior residence. But the boxes and artwork that I brought back to our apartment are still piled up. I haven't finished organizing what to keep (and where to keep it) and what to dispose of. I still feel sadness at her passing. Grief hits everyone differently. And even when the initial intense grief fades over time, there are still things that trigger off memories and feeling of grief but also happiness at the good times spent with my parents and my love and admiration for them. Try to focus on the good times, and get grief counseling if you think it will help you move on. You'll never forget your parents, but you can get on with your own life and find your own happiness and way. Sometimes it helps to have a friend go through things with you. The basic rules are to make piles of things to keep, things to donate, things to sell, and things to dispose of. If it's not useful or doesn't give you joy, maybe someone else can get some use out of it. Summer is the season of yard sales if you have a yard. It's actually very freeing to clear out a room and dispose of items that are no longer useful. Keep a few mementos, but it's not necessary to have more than a few. Think about what new use you could make of the space that they occupied and turn it into a happy living space. They would want you to be happy and to find new ways to be the person that you want to be.

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HGTV has a program called, "Everything but the House." It may be the perfect solution for those who are left to clean up and clean out their loved one's last residence.

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Consider reaching out to your local hospice to ask if they have support groups ( or individual) bereavement care. Often available wether or not your loved one was a patient. There is no timetable for grief… nor for going through your parents personal belongings. It’s a process. Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way and on your own timetable.

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I lost both of my parents in 2021, less than 4 months apart. I have yet to go through many of their possessions which are stored in my house and storage units.

Online support groups, including this one, has helped tremendously. I also follow David Kessler, in his books as well as his online posts and videos. Center for loss, grief.com, and whatsyourgrief have also helped with their daily emails as well as valuable support on their websites.

We have kept most of their furniture and donated to charities they supported what we could not keep. I searched for the best places to donate my parent's treasured possessions that we had no need for. I take comfort in finding homes for these items and supporting charities they valued in their hearts. I've also carried on their traditions and followed in their footsteps. Remembering birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries is a way of healing.

I have a long way to go to continue looking through everything and finding ways to honor them. I plan to hold onto most of these momentos while finding ways to always remember them. It is hard and every day a memory pops in my head while I go about my daily life. You will never forget them but I hope you can find ways to carry them with you everyday of your life. This is what I've done and it has helped me tremendously.

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My father at 94, my mother a 96. Their last years in SNF or hospital. My father broke his hip and was too high risk for surgery, so he was kept in the acute for a week; he was ready to die, and I asked the hospital social worker and his MD to put him on hospice and let him go in peace. Instead they put him in ICU and I stayed with him day and night for 3 days, my husband relieving me so I could run home to shower and eat. We were both with him that night. My mother had AD and fought like a warrior to stay alive. At the end I asked to not feed as they were still giving her gruels and broths which she couldn't even swallow. She remained on teaspoons of water and broth for 3 days. Then my daughter went to sit with her, and sat on the bed, held her and gave her permission to go saying "Mamai, Mom isn't here, you can die now" - I'd gone hope to shower, nap and eat. She did within a few minutes. I was sad of course, but not devastated. It's the natural course of life.

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Take it slowly by going through maybe one box at a time. Remember the good times but don’t let it keep you from living. They certainly wouldn’t want you to live a depressed life because of their deaths.

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https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief

Wow, both parents departing in the same year is a huge hurdle to overcome, sorry to hear you're going through it. What is most important is that you do "go through it" to the other side.

Perhaps scheduling an appointment with a grief counselor/therapist is a good option for you.

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My parents both died within the last 10 years. I found meeting with a counselor helped me cope and deal such loss in healthy ways! Medicare paid for my therapy sessions.

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One thing I’ve learned from grief counseling:

While grieving, you do you, We are all different. What’s normal for you? Only you know as times passes.

I’ve gotten rid of a lot of my parent’s stuff, but ….. there are those last few things I’m still holding onto. The bag the hospital gives you to put your clothes in when you’re admitted. I still have my dad’s. For my mom, I can’t let go of some pieces of costume jewelry.

My dad passed away seven years ago. Good and bad days still exist. It’s my normal.

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I am at the “early stage” of my grief as Mom passed away almost 2 months ago. The visuals of the last day or so of her life sit like a heavy stone in part of my brain, if that makes sense. The weight leaves little room to process the life I am living now.

I can be incredibly rational and incredibly emotional
in a 5 minute span. My rational self understands the common tropes of
grief—time will lessen the pain, your grief is natural and, my favorite, your
Mom would not have wanted you to feel this way.

But my emotional self screams “shut the **** up”. I know these sentiments are true but I don’t have the mental bandwidth to acknowledge these words of healing. I suppose you can say I am in the “anger” part of my journey. I don’t want to expend the little energy I have responding to “how are you doing.” “I’m not doing well, I think to myself. My Mom just died, you doofus.” I know that is an unkind thought.

My neighbor recently shared the death of her mother 10 years ago. She said not a day goes by that she doesn’t experience the momentary sting of her loss. I know this will be me, but she also shared you will move on—just as a different self, in a different way.

Obviously, I am new to this experience but one of my regrets is rushing to get through many of Mom’s things. She lived on my street and I began to empty her house once she moved in with me on hospice, as if removing one item would take away one piece of the pain of her ending. Of course I kept meaningful things but would love to be sitting in the middle of all of her stuff right now. I suspect I will always feel this way.

You will open the boxes when you open the boxes. There is no right time, only your time.

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Please consider joining a grief support group like GriefShare. The folks in these groups have gone through significant loss and can give you the best help.

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Nickie1970: I am so very sorry for the loss of both your parents. Losing both your parents in one year is certainly unfathomable. There is no time limit of grief. Perhaps you would benefit from a support group. As far as your parents' possessions, take one day at a time. If that particular day seems too monumental for you, break it down into small steps that are more manageable. Some of my late mother's possessions, whom I lived with out of state, were shared to family and friends. My mother possessed 370 baskets (or close to it), which I donated to her favorite florist. Many items, including medical equipment, clothing and sundries I donated to her town's senior center. I located a resale furniture shop, who came to her house, picked up and took away MUCH of her furniture. My mother owned some antiques, which were donated to a local antique dealer. Fortunately a friend came and removed food stuffs from her refrigerator. Those are just some ideas for you, but please take small steps. Deepest condolences to you, Nickie.

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Hard as it is that they have left this world, I think the emotions and love you feel for them in your heart is your forever connection to them. And that makes the grief have some purpose.

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Hello to you and I do so understand as both of mine are passed, my precious mom in 2012 and my dad in January. They were both in hospice care and in the home, they loved which is now where my husband and I are living. That is not at all easy. We moved in to care for dad last August. I also have not really been able to go through all of their belongings and their remains, ashes are in their bedroom. It is all so final, and I cry quite a bit and have had some health concerns. Even in that God is good as my mother would tell me and it is one step, one moment and minute to second some days. I talk to them, and I hear their voices to comfort me, Mom sends pennies to me when I need her touch. I pray you find the help and support you need; I do agree bereavement counseling is helpful. Love and prayers for you and God's blessing and comfort.

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There will be a time that you will figure it out to get rid of their things. Prayers. Just take one day at a time when you are ready to go thru their items that is when you do it.

Put on the calendar a day in which just to look at their items you don't have to do anything with them but just look. Then put on the calendar another day to just get rid of one thing and so forth.

It might be good to just look thru and think of them. And they would want you to continue with your life. Just baby steps.

Again Prayers.

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I am so sorry for your loss.

In 2021; we helped sell my MIL/FIL's home; and move them into independent living. The furniture they didn't take with them was sold; but we have dozens of boxes of ordinary items (kitchen, linens, etc.) as well as 'precious to my MIL ' items stored in our garage.
Here we are in mid 2022 and we still have most of those dozens of boxes.
Even though my MIL is still with us and occasionally will ask for us to look for a 'precious'; we are still going though one box at a time and culling the contents.

My advice - one box at at time (maybe even just one a day/week). Start with the obvious things that could be donated like clothing or kitchenware. These are the easiest to let go; as they likely don't hold many memories; and are of no use to you. Think of the joy it will bring someone else when you donate it.
Once those items are gone through, again, one box at a time; take out all the items and lay them out. Pick each one up; hold it and see if it sparks a fond memory for you; and if so; do you actually have a place in your home that it could be displayed. This part is important (to me) - if I am just going to put it back in a box in the garage; then it shouldn't be kept - it doesn't deserve to be packed away.
Do you find yourself saying; 'my son/daughter or someone else in the family might love this? Set those aside for now; and when you have several of that type; bring the family together to go through them. If they can't be physically present; take a picture and send it to them to see if they want the items. After all, when you pass; they will get them anyway so why not now.
Next comes the difficult part (in my opinion).
If you think an item has value but no one wants to keep it (dish ware; trinkets; silver etc.) you have to decide how much time/effort you want to go through to sell it and how long you are willing to keep it before it's sold.
Because my in-laws traveled the world extensively; we had a lot of trinkets from other countries; which may/may not have value. I spent some time researching some of the items; but in the end; we were able to sell some dish ware to replacements.com; and most of the items were either not of much value (under $50) or were taking up so much space in our garage (again, in boxes not to be seen or admired) so they were offered to our kids. In the end; some items we took the time to take photos; post on FB Marketplace or Craigs list; others we just gave to the Goodwill in the hopes that someone else could enjoy them.
Sorry that's a long answer but the short answer is 'one box at a time' and please don't make the mistake of re-boxing anything you do want to keep - all you are doing is passing the task of going through your Mom's things down to your children and by then; much of the sentiment behind these items will be totally lost and it will all be donated or trashed. You don't want that either.

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My Mom died in 2015 and I STILL have a very difficult time. It is so important to have forums like this. I never had ANYONE to share my grief with. My siblings were unappreciative for all my caregiving challenges and the executor insisted on having the house cleared out in 2 weeks after her death. Keeping in mind she lived there for 66 years. And I had to rid of all this stuff so quickly. It was so extremely painful. People will tell you to forgive your siblings or relatives that have somehow been able to stomp over the funeral process and the selling of the belongings. I have forgiven, but will NEVER forget , but each year the pain softens a little bit. I gave my heart and soul caregiving for my parents and it is just something that one does not get over, but heals from every year, albeit it very very tiny steps. I found meditation to be very helpful as it brings me back to the present. I didnt have time to figure out what I wanted, but honestly if I would have had a house and also had money to buy their old home, I would have. I would have kept more of their furnishings to make a special room in our home now. I wish I could have been more insistent and stood up for myself. But did not understand the rights as a human and how wills, etc worked. Take care of yourself, use all these forums to pour your heart out. And keep doing it until you can release it. Dad died about 15 years ago and it is just now starting to feel more bearable. Just know that EVERYONE will grieve their own way. If you get as depressed as I once was, get help. It will be hard to find a good therapist so find one that specialsizing in grief. It is more than having faith, faith is just one way to know they are in a better place, but you need a specialized grief counselor who focuses on the loss of a human body that was here on earth and one that you had real love for.

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I lost my husband 12 weeks ago and I feel “ lost”. I know after my parents died it took a long time. Everyone is different. I’m starting a bereavement support group tomorrow and praying it helps ease the pain. Hugs to you 💜

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How do you deal with your parents passing?

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