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SO MUCH TO DO! How do you complete tasks for an ungrateful B! I listen to the way I talk about my mother and I feel like the anti Christ! I have a list of tasks to do and don't want to do any of it. Don't get me started on the holidays and how I want to avoid her.

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If someone hasn't said this yet , because I didn't read everything, I want to say some elders love to keep there caregivers busy with needles work, and errands.

I've cut that out a lot. Put my foot down with these silly errands, like a tomato at the other farm stand , because that one has better ones.

Now unless I'm going to the farm stand for me, she gets grocery store tomatoes.

Ya gotta put you foot down, and just ignore the busy work they try to get you to do.

You have to put you first. There are many things that they can do without or wait for.

Then you do everything exactly what they want and they are so ungrateful. It's not fun at all, I did it for 3 years

Best of luck!
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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What does your list consist of? Maybe we can help you narrow them down.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I think there is a difference between being a caregiver for someone who just ungrateful or annoying and someone who is actively abusive or horrible. In one case you just grudgingly do what you must do and in the other case you walk away.

I didn't like my father. My father didn't like me. He wasn't abusive or anything like that, he was just self involved and had no idea how his decisions and actions impacted others. He never did during his entire life. He was very social and had lots of friends and everyone thought he was wonderful and I felt like a horrible person for disliking him as I did. I tried to make my complaints and comments in a joking manner with my friends but they weren't fooled.

As a caregiver I did what I had to do but I never had him live with me, I was very clear on my boundaries, and I was clear if he crossed that line I would just let him deal on his own. I would let him know what I would and would not do and if he complained (or yelled) I'd just walk away. He lived to 102. I was positive I would die first.

So, just set your boundaries, keep your distance, do the minimum required and ignore the comments about "You're so lucky to still have him."
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Reply to jkm999
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Oedgar23 Sep 24, 2024
I completely agree with you about how there is a difference between caregiving for someone who is just a normal level of annoying or someone who is actually abusive.
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To be totally honest, I hate every minute of helping my mentally ill mother. For example, just today she told me her take on a situation that just demonstrates (for the millionth time) what a nasty person she is. She has a friend of many decades and the lady’s husband, who had a very old and loved dog. Awhile back the husband accidentally stepped on the dog. Many vet visits , distress followed, but the dog had to be put down. Today mother said she thinks the husband did it on purpose so they could travel more easily without a dog. There is a long story and many other posts on here as to how I ended up helping my mother. I only get through it by treating her with polite distance as if she were merely my client/ patient. This works , except for holidays where she wants all the fun and bells a whistles, and in our recent hurricane, where she ended up on my couch for 9 hellish days. My husband told a coworker the worst part of the storm was her at our house, and the coworker laughed. He has no idea how true that statement really was.
What also gets me by is that I do not care ONe bit if mother loves me. I only need to her like me enough to cooperate with my efforts to keep her stable.
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Reply to Oedgar23
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Yes, NO is complete sentence! No mother you can hire somebody to help with chores.
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Reply to Evamar
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"No." is a complete sentance.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Like already said, you just don't. But the real question is, why do you feel that you must? Once you can unpack that, you'll be better able to move forward in a more healthy manner.
Your mother can hire a handyman, yard man, someone to take her to her appointments, and whatever other help she needs with her money of course. Or she can move into an assisted living facility where all of that will be done for her.
You just apparently need to find your voice once and for all and learn how to say and use the word NO. Once you start using that small but powerful 2 letter word, you will find your life improving daily.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I have felt much-needed peace since I no longer have contact with toxic people who make everyone miserable! I'm sure they expected me to just hang on and put up with their rudeness, snarking, talking behind my back, and lies. (And I got tired of hearing their lies about everyone else, which were meant to make the liar look good but had the opposite effect!)

You can put that sort of thing behind you. All that's needed is a wee bit of courage and a deafening silence when they try to continue as part of your life. Three months until Christmas! That's just the right amount of time to dump them, making it a happy holiday for you.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Now let me ask YOU a question: why would you maintain a relationship with someone you don't like?
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I will add, your honesty is refreshing! 😁
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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I meant to type 250 FEET away from us, not 250 miles.
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Reply to MLee123
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Wow! I completely understand! I know you are just being honest and don't take what you've said in a bad way. My Mom lives 250 away from me in a tiny home that we built for her ourselves. She may not be as bad as a 'B', but she is definitely a contrary and contentious woman. I'm going through the same thing right now. So far, my faith has gotten me through the worst times, but harder times are coming, I'm sure. I finally convinced my Mom to hire a cleaning lady, but I'll be surprised if she follows through with it. I was just wondering this morning how to have the holiday season and not take her everywhere we go. I think a person needs their own private time for their own emotional and mental sanity; but how do you that without seeming cold hearted? I may not have helped you, but at least you know you're not alone......
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Anabanana Sep 24, 2024
Same! My difficult mother lived 55’ from us. I foolishly thought it would help our relationship to be neighbours because I was starting to have kids and we lived hours apart. It angered her that our lives didn’t revolved around her. It wasn’t until she developed dementia that I was able to get her out of here.
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You don’t.

You have no moral or legal obligation to provide care of any sort for your mother or anyone else except for minor children.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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AlvaDeer Sep 24, 2024
Exactly.
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