Before I begin, I wanted to say that this site has helped me! It has been great to connect with others who share the same/similar stories.
I fear my father will soon need round the clock assistance. At one time many years ago, I felt like I could have taken care of him. But I have realized that I can not do it alone. I do not have siblings. Also I need to work in order to support myself. I feel guilty for even thinking that in home care or assisted living is what is best. Also, I know that his family will more than likely think bad of me for it. I'm not selling my home to move into his because if something happens to him, I'm stuck with it and I do not want to live in the area in the event something happens to him. I have only stayed around for him and my mom and she passed away many years ago. Him moving in with me is not an option because I do not have the space. As I stated in my first post, our relationship is strained. My childhood was full of negativity because of the treatment from him towards me and my mom. I'm very tired now from taking care of two household.. his and mine for the last 21 years since my mom has been gone.
But you aren't at fault.
You didn't cause your father's aging needs.
You can't fix your father's aging needs.
So much of it is just using the right word in your own head. The right g-word is grief. You are grieving your Dad's losses and they are WORTH the grieving.
You are grieving your own helplessness and feelings of hopelessness. And that's worth grieving.
Guilt suggests that if you are just better some magical thing will make this all go away, and it won't. So recognize that this is what is on the plate for you both, and you both hate it, mourn it. But it is here, and you both have an obligation to do the best you can with it without sacrificing your own life to it.
I sure wish you luck, but remember that words matter and it is crucial to remember you are not a felon and you are not a saint. You are a human being doing the very best you are able under difficult circumstances. Good luck Faith.
He went from being alone in a house all day laying in bed to now having stimulating activities from morning to night doing all sorts of activities, including swimming, which he does multiple times a week with his new friends. It's really astounding.
It's sad that he is in his 80's though but I have come to realize it's a new stage of life and given the alternatives this one is probably the best.
If I knew then what I know now I would have simply told my father all the great benefits of assisted living and set up an appointment to visit with no obligation. No guilt at all!
Change your mindset here and the message you send dad about his next stage in life. Remember that you're entitled to your own life too, one that's not tied down to full time caregiving, regardless of what dad expects of you!
How about your own health insurance? Who would pay for that?
There are three shifts of people to take care of folks in managed care. How would you SLEEP, if you became your father’s caretaker?
These are questions that many elders don’t have solutions to, when they decide that their children will take care of them.
Best wishes to you.
If that doesn't resonate with you as the horror show that it is, I don't know what would.
I'm living this with my DH who has chosen to be taking care of his mother 24/7, along with his younger (age 67) sister. Their OB stepped in to 'help'. lasted for may 5 'shifts' and quit. So now it's just DH and SIL.
They are both completely burned out. My DH is so cranky and short tempered I can't stand to have him around. He retired and immediately began this caregiving routine. Any plans we had for travel or just relaxing this summer are GONE.
MIL demands that they care for her. She refuses every kind of outside help. She is in Hospice, but seems to have hit a plateau and isn't getting better, but is just so slowly getting worse. She could live months and months more.
Both my DH and his Sis are wracked with guilt even though they ARE caring for her to their own detriment. They will never put her in a NH.
CG for a pleasant, loving person is one thing. CG for a nasty, angry person is living a nightmare.
Please take care of YOU before you even consider caring for your father.
We owe our parents nothing but to live our lives and prepare our children to be self sufficient.
Tell your dad you are not his retirement plan.
And ignore your busybody relatives.
Even your wording "I fear" is telling. What is to fear about having your dad cared for by professionals who know what they're doing? Whoever told you that assisted living is BAD? Assisted means help is given. Living means they're alive and hopefully enjoying every day! How is it good for your dad to be at home with you working and him sitting and watching TV all day in his dreary house with no one to talk to and nothing interesting happening? Assisted living has people around, things to do, little responsibility and fun.
Of course you are tired, and he wasn't nice to you and your mom. We owe nothing to people who treat us like nothing.
Your debt is paid, whatever it was. I, the Absolving Of Guilt Fairy, wave my wand over your tired body and equally tired mind and proclaim "ENOUGH!"
Don't suggest. Tell him. Tell him many times. You are not going to be doing this anymore. Help him find a good place. You decide it's a good place. Hey, anyplace with a bed and three meals a day looks like a good pace at this point. Off he goes. Off you go. Done.
So what about his family and what they think of you? Two choices there: Bundle him up and drop him on one of their doorsteps. Or go no contact with them because to you, they no longer exist. It works.
love the magic wand. Where can I get one ??
You may have to wait till something happens and he is in a hospital or rehab. You then ask for an evaluation for 24/7 care. If its found out he needs 24/7 care you tell them it will not be you who cares for him. He either needs to go to an AL if appropriate, or a Long-term facility. They can't return him home if there is no care for him there. I would not even try to set up 24/7 care in the home. Even a live-in needs time off. And the employment taxes that have to be paid.
You keep your home. You have a very good reason why you cannot care him.
If he doesn’t end up in the hospital or rehab, and he’s no longer safe alone 24/7
you can call your local agency for aging . They will send a social worker out to assess. They can help remove him and place him in AL . Research , tour , have a 2-3 picked out ahead of time . Then Dad just goes to one of them . Do you have POA?
Yes some may complain about missing their home or the food . But they are cared for , there is food, activities . Some adjust better than others . But you have to live your life .
The miserable ones like my mother will be miserable wherever they are and try to put a guilt trip . But she had people to talk to , she ate better , gained weight , and she was safe as opposed to living alone .
Sometimes you can only give them what they need , not what they want . What they want is to turn the calendar back about 25 years . Impossible .
1. Die "young", while still truly independent.
2. Ruin your family's life by insisting on staying at home, and them obliging your 100% unreasonable request.
3. Be super wealthy, and hire 24/7 professional care
4. Go into some sort of facility
Don't let him force you into number 2. It's often the children of terrible parents that feel some sort of twisted obligation stemming from childhood trauma to care for people that abused them as children. Move out and ER dump him the next time he winds up in the hospital.
For those of you younger than me , it was a game show on TV for many years .
Let's see what is left;
I fear my father will soon need round the clock assistance.
Hmm 🤔 Actually that is about you too.
Fears of family judging you? Obligations because..?
Guilt (you described).
This is F.O.G.
Once you step out of the FOG & into the light - you will see that this is actually Dad's issue. Not yours.
He must decide what he will do.
Is this your biological dad or stepdad? You mentioned he was always mean to you and mom. It really doesn't matter, but then you said he gave control to his siblings. Was this before you and mom, he did this? He doesn't remember. So, if he is still of sound mind, get him to make out a Living Trust, put you as POA. Talk with a paralegal or lawyer. look on this website about this stuff.
Who takes him to his doctor appointments? If he still drives, and you have the time, go to his appointment with him to see talk with his doctor etc.
In home care, is expensive. and if you don't have the right home insurance or an umbrella policy, any caretaker can claim "injuries" and sue your dad out of house and estate.. That happened to a couple I met. That was sad.
Things can happen in a split second.
In any event, do not feel guilty. Nothing is perfect. Nobody is perfect.
You have a lot of good responses to go through and think about.
I am just parroting what they are saying..
GUILT... Isn't that just fun? it seems to linger for a long time. :( I just need to get through it... a lil at a time, I will try to chip away at it...I'm getting there.
Are you able to let go of the idea that somehow, dad need around the clock assistance is not your "fault" and that going to a facility is no reason for you to feel guilty?
The important thing is making and keeping your boundaries on this issue. You HAVE to work to support yourself and plan for your own retirement. You CANNOT move in with him, as you have a home already, both in terms of a house and a location. Those are irredeemable facts, and once you lay those out to Dad, the aging-in-place with you as caregiver is off the table.
The only other option is to hire full-time, in-home help, so be ready for that argument. Either he can't afford it (it's more expensive than AL), you can't supervise a raft of employees (because it can't be just one person), and there will be inevitable times when someone doesn't show up for work and you can't fill in for that person.
You can do it, as long as you practice selective deafness both with him and with any critical family members who aren't doing anything to take care of him, I'm sure.
Can you find a therapist who works with cognitive behavioral therapy to help change your thinking patterns,?
I'm currently planning to start therapy because I really need it. Now that I have gotten older, I have realized how sad I am. Most if the time I just try to ignore it.
I also know many carers who have destroyed their mental, physical, emotional and financial health trying to provide care that they are not capable of providing. No one should feel guilty about that, we all have limitations.
You need to do what is best for you. I am not saying abandon your father, just ensure he is a place that works for you as well as him. As I said, love and care can live anywhere, and sometimes the best place is in some type of care facility.
Dad can't get what he wants. You are being a good daughter by trying to get him what he needs, when he obviously can't or won't do it himself. Please don't punish yourself for it. If he refuses to cooperate, you can walk away and get on with your own life. We all give you permission!
I'm planning to do that because I really need it.
Search appropriate Home Care Agencies that will do a home assessment and take care of all the background checks, scheduling arrangements based upon his current needs and appropriate care available.
Sadness and loss yes, guilt no. I feel sadness every time I say goodbye to my mother in her nursing home, sadness that she’s confused and afraid, sadness I can’t take care of her and sadness that my life is all consumed by her and I can’t do anything to bring her back to her old self. I’m getting older too and my mental and physical health is just as important. I live by my best intentions, all my decisions have her best interests at heart, so whenever guilt creeps in I stop in it’s tracks.
I recently had to place my father in a nursing home. His needs were simply too great and my mother also has many health issues. Not possible to take care of them myself. Needing a NH or in home care is simply the price that needs to be paid for living life to its fullest and now growing too old for one’s body.
Fact is I’m so tired of having to think about their issues and what the next crisis will be that I will need to have to deal with. But I am so not feeling any guilt about this situation.