Well... I was considering having children until I started caring for my father because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I was a "late baby" (my brother who committed suicide was even younger... 10 years), so my father was 47 when I was born. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED to reproduce at the age of 38 now for the fear that I will get sick and have kids that resent caring for me.
Then I think I wouldn't be a good mother because I get so frustrated with my father when he doesn't sleep (babies keep you up at night as well), or I snap at him for ...whatever.
Finally, I think about putting a contingency plan together for aging. The short time I had Dad at the Independent Living (IL) facility, I would listen to the elderly parents that put THEMSELVES in the facility so their children could enjoy their freedom--so they wouldn't be a burden to their children. I admit I was a bit jealous. Why can't my Dad do that?
Then I have "angry compassion_ so to speak. Isn't it interesting that if an animal gets to the point where they can't function, they're put down, yet humans can literally suffer for YEARS (patient and caregiver) existing as a fraction of the person they once were.
I get it... it must be horrible to exist without being unable to hear well, see well, move around, remember anything, and be in pain most of the time, but should the caregivers suffer?
NOTE: I'm not advocating euthanizing humans... just making an observation.
...and to top it off, I want to SCREAM the truth at by standers that "commend" me for taking care of Dad. There's nothing commendable about it. I detest it most of the time and feel guilty for feeling that way every day.
....random venting I guess
I have numerous elders in my family I can compare. Living home alone eventually becomes untenable. For some people that cutoff is 80 or younger, for some it is older. Of my family members who have stayed home, gone to small care "homes" or moved to assisted living, by FAR the one in AL has the highest quality of life and is the happiest....but i
Don't get me wrong - I'm not talking about someone going around willy-nilly killing off older people when they reach a certain age. I'm also not talking about someone with dementia who doesn't know what they're saying and asking to die. (Although whether they'd actually know what they're talking about would be difficult to judge.) I'm talking about a human being having the right to make the choice when they are of sound mind, but far less than sound body. Someone who has a terminal disease that has been determined to be fatal, incurable and is causing them great suffering, or their body has just reached the end of what it can do and is giving out - but is taking so long to do it that the person is suffering.
I've already determined that my children will not be providing care for me. I refuse to place them in the caregiver position. Sometime in the next year or so (I'm still relatively young to have been a caregiver, only in my 40s), I will set up arrangements with a trusted party that will take over guardianship and handle finances and place me in a facility when the time comes, if I am unable to place myself first. I hope to be in a position to place myself in assisted living with an option to go into nursing home care on the same property when the time comes, so no one else has to make that choice. If we're not allowed to make the choice of when to die, then at least I will have control over how my last years are spent.
I'll step off my soapbox now - and again, maybe it's not a popular opinion, but I do feel as human beings, we should at least have a choice. We don't have a choice of who we are born to - and for some of us, that's been the bane of our existence (born to dysfunctional or abusive parents and families) - I think we should at least have control over that final aspect of our lives.
There goes my chance of buying a dune buggy and sunning myself on a beach at Malibu :P That ship had sailed as I am pass the age where I could enjoy doing that. Ok, maybe I will buy an used Jeep Wrangler.... hope I have the strength to take the doors off and enjoy a nice drive. By the way, I am 70 years old, so don't be afraid of the 70's.
Also, watching my Mom's dementia progress makes me feel so very sad... My Mom used to be so sharp. She does have good days where she can be very, very funny but my outlook on the elderly has really changed and not in a good way...
My mother began having serious mobility and balance problems in her late 70s, and she also had cardiovascular disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis and other various ailments. I could not imagine she would live much past the age of 80, since she seemed in poor health even for someone her age. Now she is near 86, and she is weaker and more unstable and needs more help than ever, but does not seem in any danger of dying. I almost want to slit my wrists when I hear of parents living into their mid and late 90s. This is not what I signed up for, at all!!!
I think what did it for her was seeing so many people pass away ahead of her. Dad passed away, then his brother 9 months later, whom my mother always loved very much, such a sweet man. Then Dad's sister passed away - Mom had a love-hate relationship with her their entire lives. Mom loved her, but my aunt was a very odd woman and had some odd ways about her - she could treat you lovingly one minute and turn right around and cut you down the next - and be sure to tell everyone about it. When my aunt passed away, it was kind of the last straw for Mom. She fully realized she was the last of their generation in our family, and I think that hit her very hard. She passed away a little over a month after my aunt.
Thankfully my parents did save for those "rainy days" but they wouldn't blow the dust off their wallets to pay for things that would have made life so much easier for the both of them, and less stress for me.
Of course I still congratulate friends and relatives who just had a child or grandchild. What can I say? Children are always considered to be a blessing. To say otherwise would only make me loose a few friends that I still have. I know it sounds like hypocrisy, but with my endangered social life, I have to do everything that I can to preserve what is left of it.
As for euthanasia and assisted suicide, it's still illegal here where I live. And as far as I can see, it won't be legalized in the near future.
Today we had some visitors -- a woman with her two children. While her son was playing outside he decided to take the rocks off of the erosion wall on our creek bank and throw them into the concrete water canal. By the time we got out there, he had a large part of the wall thrown in. The canal is about 12 feet deep with a fence along it. There's no way to get the rocks back without risking life and limb. He was just a kid, so he didn't know better. But I looked at the rocks and knew it was just another hardship on me. When they left, I went into the kitchen to cook dinner for my mother. I was in despair, thinking about how to get all those big rocks out of the channel and knowing I couldn't. It's against the law, too, but that's not what I'm concerned with.
Yesterday I cleaned and straightened my mother's room, which is quite a feat. Tonight she was very upset with me because I had hung her belts in the right place. Why, I don't know. None of them fit her, anyway. She told me to stay out of her room. I told her I couldn't do that -- that someone had to clean it.
I told her what was in my heart -- that it was time for me to be getting back to my own life. I don't even think she heard me, or at least she considered it like background noise. I see how my cousin's life turned out, though, and know that I have to take care of myself. I don't see any point in going through this any longer -- donating my life so she can sit in her pajamas watching TV all day. It takes away any meaning from my own life and I deserve much more than living alone with a woman who doesn't really see me as a daughter. I don't want to spend my last years on earth being a domestic servant to someone who doesn't care at all about me. I'm sorry that I donated such a large part of my life already. It's sad that families can be like this.
And I keep hearing about all these excellent nursing homes that are like 5 star cruise ships. Is it the luck of the draw that such places exist where you live? - 'cause I'm just not seeing it, your description fits much closer to my observations.
It's tough not having privacy and it's like having another child in the house. As far as kids, I guess it comes down to either you want kids or you don't, but don't let your thoughts of if you will burden them. If you raise the best you can, they will make the right decisions for you when that time comes, hopefully lol, babies are different though. With my MIL she stays up so late and I just want to say go the hell to bed, with kids I can say that lol.
My grandmother moved in with my mom a few years ago and she has her own space and she makes sure she doesn't intrude on my mother and her husband, unlike my MIL. I do think your wrong in thinking taking care of your dad isn't commendable...it is, it's a tough job and situation and it's ok to feel the way you do at times, I feel guilty feeling the way I do sometimes, then I realize how my MIL has no one else and how lonely that would feel, the thought of not being wanted.
I would talk to your senior services and see what they recommend, maybe assisted living, he might be upset at first, but happier in the long run and you being so young, you will be happier and less stressed. You have to do what's best for both of you.