Well... I was considering having children until I started caring for my father because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I was a "late baby" (my brother who committed suicide was even younger... 10 years), so my father was 47 when I was born. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED to reproduce at the age of 38 now for the fear that I will get sick and have kids that resent caring for me.
Then I think I wouldn't be a good mother because I get so frustrated with my father when he doesn't sleep (babies keep you up at night as well), or I snap at him for ...whatever.
Finally, I think about putting a contingency plan together for aging. The short time I had Dad at the Independent Living (IL) facility, I would listen to the elderly parents that put THEMSELVES in the facility so their children could enjoy their freedom--so they wouldn't be a burden to their children. I admit I was a bit jealous. Why can't my Dad do that?
Then I have "angry compassion_ so to speak. Isn't it interesting that if an animal gets to the point where they can't function, they're put down, yet humans can literally suffer for YEARS (patient and caregiver) existing as a fraction of the person they once were.
I get it... it must be horrible to exist without being unable to hear well, see well, move around, remember anything, and be in pain most of the time, but should the caregivers suffer?
NOTE: I'm not advocating euthanizing humans... just making an observation.
...and to top it off, I want to SCREAM the truth at by standers that "commend" me for taking care of Dad. There's nothing commendable about it. I detest it most of the time and feel guilty for feeling that way every day.
....random venting I guess
My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry to learn of the passing of your mother. You were a very devoted and loving daughter. Thinking of you during this difficult time.
Thank you for sharing your experience and insights. The human journey is filled with so many struggles. I often wonder what is the right course.
I'm not a proponent of euthanasia; that's too slippery a slope. But I do think quality of life should be taken into account. Once we've reached a certain point, how much better to have all medications and treatments withdrawn and comfort care provided only, prohibiting the unnatural prolonging of suffering and allowing a peaceful death. Maybe this needs to happen sooner than later.
Even though mother was a hypochondriac, she has been amazingly healthy. She's 95 and lives in a Memory Care facility.
When she was diagnosed, I wondered if I would get dementia too. Her father got it late (90) also. So far, she's the only one of 7 siblings who has it.
I've got to admit that it freaks me out about being demented. Not something you look forward to. I don't mind being partially physically disabled because you can hire people to help you.
A couple of months ago, I had an "OMG" moment. I have a son who is addicted to heroin. We don't talk, his choice. I wouldn't want him to ever help me anyway but I would like if we could at least talk and have a connection. I'm an only child.
Hubs and I are retiring in Mexico and my "OMG" moment was when I thought, if my husband passed before me, I'd be all alone, old, infirm and demented in a foreign country (even though I've lived in Mexico since 2009).
I freaked out. It got me thinking of what my options are. We had a meeting with my husband's very responsible daughter, who lives in Tijuana. I asked her if she would check in on me if I was alone and possibly handle my finances if I become mentally unable. She agreed. That made me feel a lot better that at least I have plan A in place.
Man, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Why hadn't I planned for this before?
Too busy working and being mother's caregiver, I guess.
The future is scary as an old lady. I hope God takes me before I loose my faculties.
I am an only child and my father begged me to take care of her when he was gone. I never realized how needy she was until then.
I also lost a young adult son and my views on life and aging and caregiving may be very different from others, but I have done the best that I can. She is now on hospice, but in denial that she is dying of old age. Even though she is a devout Catholic, I think she is afraid to die. I have a feeling she will last much longer, but some of her caregivers feel differently.
I guess we are on Death Watch now....
Yes, I feel the same way as you do. I will have my own old age and disability to contend with, when my time comes. And I won't have anyone around me to do my bidding, since I don't have kids and wouldn't put them in this position even if I did.
I feel bad for my mother, sure. I do as much as I can do for her without stirring up feelings of anger and resentment(towards her and also my absent siblings who don't help and don't even care to know). I don't feel obligated to provide for her the life she would have had if she were able-bodied. I don't think elderly people realize just how much work it is to take care of our own lives and take care of theirs as well.
Well, my feeling on THAT is that yes, maybe, someday I will be 91 (and maybe I won't live that long). But at that time I will have to go through everything for myself, so why do I have to be subjected to HER issues NOW? Why is it expected of me?
(And why don't my three brothers have to be subjected to it? Yes, they are out of state, but she could be calling them to whine about her life!)
It's not as if my taking care of her to the extent that she would like will mean that *I* get that kind of care when I'm old. That's not how the world works. It's not fair. If life was fair, then I wouldn't have lost my young adult son.
Thanks to a new perspective of live-in caregiving for Mom and perspectives from reading caregivers' posts on this site, last week I rewrote my DPOA for HC and included a passage that if I reach Stage 7 of dementia or Alzheimer's or last-stage cancer and expect to have less than six months left to live to stop all treatment other than treat the pain and make me comfortable. The passage in the POA is longer than this but this is the crux. I would hope whoever oversees my care (and the law allows it) to have the courage to implement it and end my suffering (and their's) if I'm in this situation.
I've witnessed deaths in my line of work. Most were quick & peaceful. My Mother's death was not.
I also have learned that, even amongst the closest of families, long term caregiving & longivity, can & will fracture a family.
So my original answer to this question remains steadfast; Quality of life vs quantity for me. I will not subject myself nor my family to such anguish.
I don't like the way things are today. I think we are straying from all the things that kept us going and kept us human. I pity those of us who are really stuck taking care of these older ones all alone, just because we care. It's a bad situation. In my own case I did have a sister who helped me when she could, or I would have had a breakdown I am sure. Some of the stories on here just break my heart. It shouldn't be this way. Something has to change I think, but how?
I think of you all. Some have it so much harder than I did. It isn't fair - no way - but it sure is life today.
Also, I need to figure out what my needs might be when I get elderly. With time flying I shouldn't delay too long!
For a stark contrast:
My mother is the picture of health and keeps active and is in great shape and is the caregiver for many other elderly who need help with doctors appointments, etc.
His mother has never financially or physically cared for herself and has been diagnosed with Parkinson's and a host of other problems and has completely given up on life.
Going through this, I've also considered whether or not I want to have children. My bf is the only real caregiver for his mother and I see the stress it causes him. I know now that if I don't have children by 33, I'm not going to have them at all because I don't want to possibly be a burden on them while they're in the prime of their life and trying to have their own families. We never thought we'd be taking care of a parent before we even had our own children.
It's also made me much more serious about saving for retirement and being frugal. His mother has terrible credit and the only thing she has to live on is part of his father's pension from their divorce settlement and very small amount of social security. We've recently discovered she has debts that total more than her annual income and has several accounts in collections. I do not ever want to be in that situation.
I think if you would like your own children, don't be afraid because of your age. The fact that you're even thinking about the consequences down the road seems to suggest that you are proactive in taking care of yourself. And to me, it's not the age so much as whether someone takes personal responsibility to take care of themselves physically and financially that matters most.
As are the seasons. We live through phases, self, develop, grow & reap.
It is hard watching your once super-active parents or partners wither.
And I too fear that for myself. I would rather not get that old if I am going to be incapacitated.
My mom passed fairly quickly after a heart problem, but my dad taught us so much with his dementia followed by strokes and the loss of his vocals.
I cry now when I think of it and it is now 16months since his passing.
One can only wonder why and what it all means. As a spiritual being on a human journey, we endure so much. (Gosh and then there are those who add to another's already misery or hardship) Good luck to all. Melancholy : )
With our ailing parents, they are helpless, and it’s just going to get worse until death frees them. That is very depressing to witness as well as experience.
Hands on care of a parent or a spouse is so difficult. The caregiver feels alone and overwhelmed and ANGRY. For me the anger comes from a lifetime of a cavilier attitude toward me from both parents, both were/are overly critical of me, unceasing in their negative nagging and they’ve had a cool attitude towards me most of the time, since I was a kid. I’m not saying things were only bad while I grew up but they did kill my self esteem. I worked hard to regain a positive mind set and was reasonably happy UNTIL they announced I had to do something because they’re lives were falling apart. I have done my best and my mom is in AL and is doing well. My dad is another story. He calls continually talking about taking my mom out of AL and bring her home. My mom needs more care than can be provided at home, she has dementia and wanders and is confused a lot. My father through not knowing how to care for her had had her in a neglected condition.
I could go on all afternoon but I don’t like talking about it. I do have the ability to detach after I go home and don’t see my parents so I can relax. But I’m also disabled and limited in my own physical tasks of daily living. And yes, my dad demands I trot around all day while he criticizes what I’ve done. I think he’s going into AL soon, he’s emotionally whiny which alternates with raging at me. I dread handling the estate for them, I’m talking to my lawyer about it.
Yes, I also would rather be dead than put my daughter through caretaking. I’m considering what I’ll do when I’m inevitably worse with my own ailments. Maybe the laws will be on my side by then and a graceful and dignified death can be obtained.
I retired in ‘97 we decided to live closer to my Mom and her husband. We lived there for 18 yrs until we were able to sell the house (took 10 yrs!) and
Move back closer to our kids. No sooner than we get resettled than my stepdad dies. I knew Mom was getting dementia and they both had drinking problems. No amount of talking, cajoling
Or reasoning could get them to “make plans” for their old age
And
My mother’s dementia were both in total denial. We couldn’t take the
Frustration and decided to “ leave them to it” since our help and
Suggestions fell on deaf ears. After my stepdad died of a stroke, my husband and I went Back Again to care
For her. She was getting worse. I got POA and Health care power. We tried for 6 months to get her into an Alzheimer’s care. She was so totally in denial, and fought with us sometimes physically, screaming at us, throwing wine glasses at my husband, forgetting to care for her pets, waiting till we were asleep so she could dress up and
Go to the nearest
Pub to wait for her husband to join her. She insisted he was NOT dead, etc.
I FINALLY got two of my daughters to fly up to NY, take her “on vacation” to Texas and an Alzheimer’s Care home where she is today. Hell? I can tell you beginning with my birth, there was always some kind of drama, manipulation,blame and
Guilt
Inducing activity wherever she was. While inNY at her home, I was rushed into Emergency for a rupture disk/ spinal fusion, my husband almost left me and I was trapped into being her ONLY caretaker. I realized that if I continued to live with her, it would probably kill me. I COULD NOT DO IT ANY
MORE. I sent her to 24/7 care in TX (yes, she was mad!) as she could not be left alone and
My life was going to s%*#t. I had an estate sale, sold her house for $ to care for her, set her up a Trust fund and an investment account to make $ for her care and moved back to TX AGAIN to an adult Apt complex WITH my husband and WITHOUT her being too close. My children and grandchildren visit her often. I’m in process of getting ankle reconstruction which began after I rupture a tendon while cleaning her house in NY! I see her every 4 weeks and send her cards or talk to her often, but I ALWAYS keep a good portion of myself separate from her so she can’t manipulate me ever again. My problem is.... she’s physically strong and at 93, looks like she will last a long time. I’ve done what I promised...that I will do whatever I can in her “best interests”. But I have to tell you it has been a physical and mental ordeal. I wish she would take her final rest sooner than later. Dealing with this has nearly killed me. People, if ANYTHING, you MUST maintain control of your own lives. Make plans for your OWN elder age needs. Use your logical smarts to care for your LOs if they cannot. Do your duty as a caretaker , but set things up for yourselves too. And above all DONT FEEL GUILTY. They’re damn lucky they have YOU!!
Yes, the images, the loss, the pain..........it's really hard to get past those things. I hate it when people say "let it go". Let it go where? I think letting it go is just another way of saying block it out, compartmentalize. Sorry, but it's not that easy for some of us. If it is easy for you, lucky you, I say.
The history, the images, the sense of loss and just plain pain are beyond words sometimes. We've been close to death. It does change everything. I support you in your feelings.