Well... I was considering having children until I started caring for my father because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I was a "late baby" (my brother who committed suicide was even younger... 10 years), so my father was 47 when I was born. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED to reproduce at the age of 38 now for the fear that I will get sick and have kids that resent caring for me.
Then I think I wouldn't be a good mother because I get so frustrated with my father when he doesn't sleep (babies keep you up at night as well), or I snap at him for ...whatever.
Finally, I think about putting a contingency plan together for aging. The short time I had Dad at the Independent Living (IL) facility, I would listen to the elderly parents that put THEMSELVES in the facility so their children could enjoy their freedom--so they wouldn't be a burden to their children. I admit I was a bit jealous. Why can't my Dad do that?
Then I have "angry compassion_ so to speak. Isn't it interesting that if an animal gets to the point where they can't function, they're put down, yet humans can literally suffer for YEARS (patient and caregiver) existing as a fraction of the person they once were.
I get it... it must be horrible to exist without being unable to hear well, see well, move around, remember anything, and be in pain most of the time, but should the caregivers suffer?
NOTE: I'm not advocating euthanizing humans... just making an observation.
...and to top it off, I want to SCREAM the truth at by standers that "commend" me for taking care of Dad. There's nothing commendable about it. I detest it most of the time and feel guilty for feeling that way every day.
....random venting I guess
I've been fugal all my life, have a good savings/stocks so I need to figure out how many years I could reside in IL or AL. I am just so glad such nice places are available. I wouldn't mind being in Assisted Living at this one place, even if it is a studio apartment.... I have the rest of the building for myself :) Numerous living rooms, couple of nice enclosed sun porches, couple of nice outside porches with chairs, restaurant style dining room. And wonderful staff who are smiling and happy to help you out :)
My 91 MIL has been with us 12 years. Started out easy. Now the only thing she does for herself is shower and dress and toilet herself.
I have watched her slowly decline in health - yes, she made poor health choices - NEVER said no to a piece of cake, a cookie or ice cream - even now with diabetes. She refused to do her physical therapy and then wonders WHY she is in such poor physical condition. She lost her ability to drive and blamed me and then became vengeful and hateful and vilified me to anyone she knew. Sadly, since she did this behind closed doors - it was years before I knew what she had done and said. She destroyed any trust I had in her. I care for her because I am a God fearing woman with a kind heart and she has NO IDEA how fortunate that she got stuck with me. :0) I just keep on giving...............
Has caring for her changed me? Absolutely! For the better? Not sure. I know I see my own mortality every single day. I resent that her other kids only see her when she's made up and looking pretty for a couple hours once or twice a year. I see her in her night clothes all the time, barely lifting her feet when she walks, complaining about being alive and wish she were dead and sharing all the ugly details of her dismal life with me each day. She is very negative.
If the sun shines - it is too bright. If it rains - it is too gloomy. The food is either too hot or too cold. Too sweet or too salty. Nothing is right in her life.
I know I hug my kids more and try to be nice to them. I pray every night that I not become my MIL as I age. I do resent that my BEST years of retirement - those before age 70 - are gone. I often think I will die before she does. She just keeps on plugging along and hating every minute of it. I know it's hard for her. But she has NO IDEA how hard it is for us.
I have told our kids to put us somewhere decent and stop by once in a while. We do not want them to sacrifice their lives for us. It is so unfair.
In times past - there were larger, extended families who actually HELPED EACH OTHER care for older ones. Then again, in times past, you did not get old unless you were 'vital' as Margaret Mead once said. I read an article written by her in my teens and still remember her stating that she never feared old age because every old person she knew was 'vital' - people were either healthy and vital or dead back then. Now they are propped up with multiple pills and procedures. My mother in law wants to be dead - but fears dying. She can't win for losing.
What a predicament to be in. How truly sad. And it is repeated over and over and over. Just read the comments in this thread.
I didn't know I'd spend a decade (and counting) of my life taking care of my family. I have lost so much of my own life, job, relationship, hobbies, activities, that I also lose hope for my life. I think caregiving has horrified me as to the way we strive to live longer and then do so either mentally or physically broken ( or both) years longer than is good for anyone. Medicine doesn't always dictate that, my grandmother never saw a doctor and took no meds and was dependent the last 20 years of her life. I would love to have an exit plan. I live in Oregon, so it's possible to have one if you have a diagnosis. If you are experiencing aging without a diagnosis of a terminal disease, you're not eligible for assisted suicide. My doctor says if you want to stop living, stop eating. Guess that's what I'll do when it's time. I had a maternal grandmother do this when she was at the end of her hope. I have been denied LTC insurance because of polio when I was younger, so I know I cannot afford to take care of myself. And you all know that in a facility there's a point where someone has to pay bills, monitor care and do the shopping. People without anyone to look in and take stock of what is happening get the worst care. And LTC insurance only goes to the people who have someone to jump through the paperwork hoops when it's time to claim it. My loved ones who had it would have never been able to deal with the paperwork. So, whether we like it or not, all of us will need someone to look after things.
I toured one community this past week... say what, three cement steps and no railings up to the front door porch., even I was unsteady walking up... and inside, the stairs to the 2nd floor were way too steep, more like rock climbing. The walk-in shower could fit a crowd so I viewed that as a lot of walls and glass doors to dry off, I would be too tired to make breakfast afterwards. Looks like this builder never consulted with anyone 55 and older. Cross that community off my list.
Honestly, my children will not know where I am or what I am doing. When my time comes, I plan to let it happen. Make sure no one can interfere with letting me go. What they do not know cannot force them to make the choices I had to make.
It looks like your parents made a plan and were living it. Good for them for stepping up. Is it possible your decision to step in and bring your parents home was not what your parents wanted? Perhaps they were trying to avoid consuming their children's lives? No disrespect intended, I'm just trying to understand if they wanted intervention?
when I speak with people in their 80s and 90s, what I hear is "I should have.." "I wish I had gone/done/been....." (Fill in the blank)
So what I know is...... When my time with my parents is done, I am cutting loose. No more planning for next year, next decade. Do it now. Follow the dream that has been in planning and on hold.
A life of planning very often means a plan never lived.
Those are valid points, but what happens to the older person that either has no kids or has outlived their relatives? AS, should just be an option or choice, not necessarily the loved one would go through with it. AS, in a weird way, beats the older person living in a state of continuing decline, both mental and physical.
In practicality, I can't believe that the plan of assisted suicide generally works out anyway. I think by the time the aging person decides that there's no point going on, they may have already lost the physical or mental capacity to make the decision and carry it out. Unless someone has a terminal diagnosis or is in intractable pain, I think they tend to believe they can get better or at least that they won't get any worse. Very few people want to check out while they still have a decent quality of life, even if that quality of life is being furnished by the sacrifice of their loved ones.
As for aging, still a proponent for Assisted Suicide especially if the alternative is a NH,AL.
After 17 years of "looking" after my wife's mother I've come to a few conclusions.
(1) Parents should not put any of their children in this position. Parents should make plans for old age, parents and society should teach this to the young. I don't want my son to EVER be in the position my wife and I are in with her mother.
(2) Modern medicine is letting people live longer but not necessarily with a good quality of life. Having a doctor suggest an 86 year old could start driving again has us baffled.
(3) If we had it to do over again we would get professionals involved very early on.
That being said, I don't regret what I've done and am doing - I doubt that I would have made other choices. So it's a puzzle. But times change and situations change. We who've devoted ourselves to caregiving know what it takes and we want the best for our kids. I think that most of us know that providing constant care for us is not in their best interest. This is a great discussion!
Carol
I too am fighting not to end up like my mother, but my fight at this point involves mostly diet and exercise. Serious exercise that builds muscle and improves balance and stamina, at least an hour per day. I don't have adult children to wait on me and ferry me around, but even if I did I wouldn't put this on them. It is too much to ask someone to put their plans and goals on hold because you can't get in and out of a grocery store on your own steam. I totally hear you, Sunflo, about resenting your mother and your siblings that don't help. I resent my mother for putting me in this position. She would say "Well, I couldn't help getting old." but the truth is she could have done a lot more to remain self-sufficient than she did. And I should not have had to sacrifice my golden years to make hers more manageable.
I am so glad that you and your mate are taking your lives back and finding other arrangements for your FIL. Kudos to you!
But that has all changed for me now. For the past 13 years, my husband's Dad has lived with us and he is a Narcissist. I knew nothing about this, as it was well cover up in the years prior to his coming to live with us. My husband comes from a very dysfunctional family, and I never knew that his 2 siblings would Never step up and help us out, even once and awhile. It took me until coming onto this websitea few years ago, to learn exactly what Narcissistic disorder really is, and why his brother and sister are the way they are. After living through the terrible childhood they endured, I wouldn't step up either. Still and probably because, the've both had been pretty shitty to their parents over the years, and I have never respected nor liked his sibings, and yet somehow my husband escaped becoming cold and callous like they both are, probably because he was the baby and somewhat protected by his Mother, most certainly he was the favored child, the athlete, the golden boy, but even he knew how dysfunctional his family was, but it took until his Dad came to live with us, to put a name to it. Nevertheless, he stuck by his parents, and was a good Son to them over the years.
His Narcissistic father started "grooming" us in the years leading up to his wife's passing. He would Often say, "if anything ever happens to Mother, can I come and live with you?", and of course we said Yes, I mean, what else are you supposed to say, when you understand that your Dad is afraid of living alone, has never really lived alone in his whole life, going from his own parents home into the Navy at 17, right into marrying an older woman with a child, yes, never alone. Caring for our elders was certainly what I was accustom to, and it seemed appropriate at the time.
Now fast forward 13 years of having him in our home, figuring out the puzzle of how this family is so messed up, it didn't take long to learn that the Old Man was behind the dysfunction! Seeing him try to manipulate my husband with money (obligation, fear) and the "what's to become of me, I'm all alone" (guilt), and he's never truly been alone because we've seen to it that he hasn't, not for the 31 years that I've been in this family anyways! We've never frozen him out of our lives as his other 2 kids have, he didn't need to hijack our lives at 43 and 46, just as our youngest was leaving the nest. We never would have abandoned him, but he tried to make it seem like that would happen.
Now that he has tainted my way of how I view him, my feelings for him have changed. I no longer respect him as I once did, and that makes caring for him in our home any longer, continuing to give up oyr lives and our own future is no longer an option for us, not just me, my husband feels this way too, and more so. I have figured out the bigger picture of how he has manipulated our lives, and it's time we change, because he never will.
We are taking back our future, not in any vengeful way, because we will always be there for him, and advocate for him, but we've aged in this 13 year scenario too! My husband has some major back issues and was medically retired from an on the job injury, so is now on a pension. I myself have really bad arthritis and can no longer work. If we don't reclaim what is left of our healthiest years, we may never get to travel, and enjoy our own retirement, as he and his wife so richly did, in part, thanks to my husband and I. My husband helped his parents stay in their home long after he could no longer do the care and maintenance, and now my husband finds himself in the exact same situation, but with his 86 year old Dad living with him! He moved his parents to a nearby apartment, so that they would be close to us, and we spent a lot of time with them. We saw to it that the children spent time with and enjoyed their Grandparents on both sides.
Living with a Narcissist in your home really opens your eyes to all of the little things that add up from the past, and I can see exactly what he did, worming his way into our home when he was perfectly capable of learning to live on his own, with us nearby. We're taking our life back, and will find him suitable housing near us, and we will All get on with our lives in the capacity of which we choose.