Over and over again we see adult children and grandchildren who are filled with anxiety, depressed, frustrated and exhausted.
While I wanted my parents to be well cared for, I deeply regret that I quit working to be a full time caregiver. I regret that I lost precious time with my own family.
I made a promise to my father before he died that I would care for my mother.
I was naive and the thought of not doing the ‘hands on’ work myself didn’t even enter my mind.
I had no idea what was involved in being a full time caregiver. I only wanted my father to die in peace knowing that mom would be cared for.
I believe that my dad didn’t even realize how difficult this would become for me. Neither of my parents took care of their parents. They had no frame of reference. Nor did I.
My father would never have wanted me to struggle for so long as a caregiver. Mom died at age 95.
My mom was afraid of growing old with Parkinson’s disease and she truly hated being a burden on me. Oh, she had her flaws like we all do, but I look back and see that I brought a lot of the misery that I suffered upon myself.
I didn’t acknowledge that caregiving had become a huge burden on me until I went to therapy.
For those parents that have intentionally tried to impose guilt onto their children, I wish to say that I have never seen ‘guilt or shame’ motivate anyone.
Shaming someone is a tactic that is used to control others and break their spirit. All it ever accomplishes is anger and resentment. Children who continue to be a caregiver in these circumstances do so out of a sense of obligation or in some cases from fear.
I am so happy when I see people who haven’t ever fallen into this trap. They set a healthy example for others to follow. It is awful when they are criticized as being uncaring.
Children who place their parents in a facility or hire outside help do care for their parents and they are very wise to care equally for themselves. I wish that I could have done this and avoided the pitfalls of caregiving in my home.
Too many elders have no idea. They apparently expect a miracle on their behalf, something that will magically happen to stop their aging process, replenish their bank accounts and provide perfect care unending till their soul decides to depart on the wings of a dove or some such stupidity. Are we beginning to resent this enough to revolt?
Because it doesn’t happen that way. Ever.
My daughters told me that they wanted to care for me when I get older like I did for my mom and dad.
I told my daughters that I do not expect them to care for me.
Hubby and I right now are frequently saying to each other that we don’t want to do this to our children. Hopefully we don’t. It can’t always be helped when they have dementia and lose insight .
However, in general I agree that many of our parents also don’t realize what caregiving entails because they did not do it for their parents. If they did they wouldn’t ask us to do it. I call what happens today to the elderly is they live a long dependent slow death .
I don’t want my daughters caring for me. We raise them to be independent. I want them to live life for themselves.
I could never be a live in caregiver to anyone, I have 2 in homes, one AL, the other MC. They are well cared for, safe and where they should be.
My brother & I have done our duty, we also care about us, our lives. The one in Al is 98, she has had a good life and actually likes being there, new friends, activities, she doesn't have to lift a finger, this is great,
IMO it is very selfish to strap a child into promising to take care of the other spouse and never put in a home, most of these parents are living in the past before there were so many nice facilities or they are deep into religion and quote the bible for their own needs.
Unfortunately, many use guilt as a weapon to control another. Sad.
Sorry that you had to deal with this mindset.
Your response was lovely. You summed up things so well. I appreciate that you understand how these situations occur.
You did it the correct way! Unfortunately, I was completely blind and caught up in my own emotions.