Last year I moved in with my mother because she lives alone and her health has deteriorated a great deal. She fell a few times in the past, and is afraid of living alone.
I don't want to go into great detail and make this a very long post, but a few salient points as background--my mother is a VERY intelligent woman (former attorney), widowed when I was 5 (I'm now 54). She is also very well-off, and has been extremely generous financially, paying for my son's education, etc. I'm divorced, and I'm ashamed to say that at this point it would be very difficult for me to start up a career again and be financially independent, so in many ways I've put myself in a vulnerable (and perhaps selfish) position with her. She is generous, but she very often uses her money as a tool of control (again, I blame myself for allowing this to be the case at this point in my life, but there it is).
I do love her, but we have never gotten along and in general I find it very difficult to be around her. She can be hyper-critical (I was determined not to let her treat my son the way she treated me as a child) and is prone to rather childish temper-tantrums. I believe she's had depression all her life; a few years ago I was able to persuade her to go on antidepressants. They helped (she became somewhat more pleasant), but it's a really low dose and I've asked her to increase it but she refuses.
She can also be very kind, but any conversation with her is like a minefield--I never know what I might say to set her off on a critical tirade.
I could go on, but I want to get to the main question. My mother has always hated any kind of exercise, and her biggest pleasures have always been sleeping and eating incredibly unhealthy snacks and desserts. When she retired about 20 years ago, she literally said (she says I'm making it up, but I am not) that she basically didn't plan to get off the couch ever again.
Not surprisingly, at 84 she is now overweight, diabetic, with high blood pressure and heart problems (she had triple-bypass about 15 years ago). She is in constant pain because of back problems--I"m quite certain it's because her main activity all day long is sitting on the couch watching TV (which she keeps on 24/7, even when people are trying to have a conversation with her) and, with no muscle left to support her frame and her weight, her skeletal structure is just shot. Her doctors have called her "deconditioned" (again, she denies that they have said this) and have pretty much given up on telling her that she needs PT or some form of exercise because she becomes abusive with them about it.
I certainly understand that pain (which is considerable--she's on all kinds of painkillers to which she's developed a tolerance) makes her even less willing to exercise. But I also know (and I checked with her doctor again recently to make sure that I wasn't just being mean) that her condition and her pain will only get even worse if she doesn't do something other than lie on the couch all day, and doesn't make real changes in her lifestyle. I keep telling her that she could live many more years, but that she will be bedbound very soon if things don't change.
At home, I do help her keep the place neat and clean (she has become very careless about hygiene and cleanliness), drive her to appointments, shop for her, etc. I do sometimes cook for her if she's especially tired or not feeling well (for health reasons of my own--long story--I don't really eat dinner any more). But much of the time I don't do it, because I'm thinking that at least if she gets up and moves around the kitchen, etc., it will at least get her off of the couch and keep everything from atrophying completely. She gets petulant about it, implying that I should do it all, but I just don't. And of course I feel guilty and conflicted.
So the question is--am I just being unkind? I know that I have anger issues about her just letting herself fall apart and become so slovenly (aside from our usual disagreements), and it really just depresses me to see her loll around all day with the damned TV going. I see a lot of her neighbors, all about her age, and some with very serious medical conditions, doing a lot of physical activity.
I've really been on my own about this, and the resentment AND the guilt and uncertainty about what to do (or not do) is driving me crazy. She has money enough to get someone to come in and work with her, and a pool where she could do water exercises in privacy with a trainer, but no.
Any insights/advice/whatever would be greatly appreciated, and sorry for the long post here!
Here is your gold star for today, just for being you!
Here are two more gold stars for being there for your Mom, but practicing your boundaries.
Here's to the start of another new day!
You may be placing yourself in an untenable position by your own guilt and expectations. Was it enough to move in for companionship and driving? Set boundaries, please do not allow money to force you to do her bidding beyond what most people would have contracted for. If you feel guilty, refuse the money.
Set boundaries.
Rainmom, If I took my doctor's advice, the pain med needed to sleep better would have been doubled. So, I took my own advice. Your advice was just a reminder to me about pain meds. So thank you.
Gershun, No worries, suggestions for sleep may not help everyone, and must be adjusted for what helps you. There is another new study that split sleep is beneficial, ha! Several hours in the day, and several at night. Really?
It helped me to read and post last night, it was relaxing, and good to see you up - even though I am sorry you are having sleep trouble. Are you asleep right now?
Your cats would miss you if you didn't prowl with them at night. imo.
Send me - it's not my advice I'm encouraging any one to follow, but their doctors advice as it relates to taking pain - or any medication really - as directed. Unless you want to think of it this way - you can follow my advice to follow your doctors advice - lol! Seriously- medications need to be taken as directed - jmho.
One night we had to take Mom to emergency. The on-call doctor there was going to give my Mom Vicodin. Excuse me? A 90 year old woman with dementia who you have never met before?
I think those with pain should be allowed to have painkillers, don't get me wrong but not people who are not in their right mind unless they monitor it. That's just me though.
My problem is with sleep medications. I need them but yet I feel like I am becoming addicted to them and they aren't even helping that much.
If it were me, I would send the T.V. out for repair, but you don't have that authority or control. If you don't have her cooperation, and you are not in control of your Mom's care, the only person you can help is yourself.
So please give up the guilt, it is not productive for you.
One problem I have with my dH getting pain meds is not that he takes too much-he doesn't-but the doctor refills 180 tabs of 800mg. of Ibuprophen-(dH won't say , understand, or recall he has 2 bottles at home) thus the unmonitored refills. Still working on the first bottle! Then, I have to cancel the refill-after he leaves the appointments! He prefers not to give me medical POA and goes alone into the doctor. This is harder on me and is not working for either of us.
I am already doing the most and best I can.
No--54 is not old and I haven't given up on life yet! Not by a long shot. I am actually actively pursuing what I love to do and what I went to grad school for--nothing likely to allow me to make a living, but very gratifying. On that level I'm quite content. But I appreciate the concern.
As I said a little earlier, my main question at this point is not about whether or not I should be here at all--for the time being, I will be here for a variety of reasons--but about reasonable expectations for my mother's level of activity. Yes--I do get extremely frustrated, and often upset and angry, with my mother. I'm really just working on being kind but keeping unnecessary contact to a minimum (I've also noticed over the past few days that she SEEMS to be trying a bit harder not to work my nerves!). A Buddhist would say that those who make our lives the most difficult are our best teachers, so I'm TRYING to see it in that light, and learn to be more patient and compassionate. Definitely a work-in-progress...
I wanted to answer a few people's comments and suggestions, but they're on the page before this one and if I go back to find your names I'm afraid I'll lose what I've already typed. So please forgive me for not addressing you by screen-name.
To the physical therapist--REALLY helpful info. I was, however, wondering why you said that the pool is a no-go. Someone just GAVE my mother one of those lifts to help get her in and out of the pool, and I thought that that would be ideal exercise for her (she went in once a few years ago and was really surprised at how much she enjoyed the weightless feeling--unfortunately, she didn't enjoy it enough to go again! :) ). Is there something in particular about it that would be dangerous for her, provided she had a professional there helping her do safe and useful activities in the pool?
I would love to be able to bring a PT here, but that would have to be someone she'd pay for, so my hands are tied unless I can somehow convince her. If I do, I will definitely contact you for some names!
And thank you as well to the person who said in no uncertain terms that there's nothing wrong in encouraging someone to get as much activity as she can. That really helped.
To the person who suggested that she's addicted to pain-killers--that's actually not the case. Yes--she does take them pretty much daily, and if she suddenly stopped I'm sure she'd feel the effects of withdrawal. But she actually isn't all that keen about them, except to the extent (which is not much, apparently) that they ease her pain. She takes them as rarely as possible, and hasn't increased the dosages to speak of. She takes quite a bit less than the dose recommended (sometimes I've had to convince her to take a second dose in a day, even though she's allowed to take them every 6-8 hours or so). I've often thought she has some kind of anhedonia--inability to feel pleasure (except, apparently, with food), even from narcotics. Which is sad, aside from the fact that it's kept her from becoming a real addict.
I think that's it. Thanks again.
A couple of suggestions: keep the part of the house you use clean. Muck (for non horse people that sort of means clean with a shovel) her room out once a month or so. Close doors that you can't keep clean. That way you don't have to look at them.
When she starts to yell at you my counselor told me to say. "I am sorry you feel that way." and "That is one way to look at it." Then walk out of the room. You are acknowledging her feelings, but not arguing with her. It can get to be fun.
If you had a loving, giving, mother she is gone. I never had one so I don't know how it would be. Save yourself. I hope these ideas give you some piece of mind.
Talk to a career counselor at a university or college about how to get back into your field. If you have an agent, perhaps they can help you. Maybe on-line courses would be the answer for you. I have a girlfriend with a special needs child that got her Masters that way.
Don't you just love this site and the wonderful, helpful people here?
But that's probably not realistic either. Anyway, you're right--when and if she IS admitted, that will be a great time to really try to put things into place. However, when she's been put into rehab places the past few times after hospitalization, she's screamed bloody murder to get out (and in the case of the last one, which was a living hell, I can't say I blame her). I'd have to move fast... :)
kdcm--yeah, the "fixing" thing is kind of part of my personality with most things, but I do think I'm about past that at this point. What I wrote a few minutes ago about being judgmental reminded me of something I think about sometimes-when I worked in social services with people with AIDS, the homeless, and substance abusers, Lesson #1 was DON'T JUDGE. And under those circumstances I actually had no tendencies toward judgment--none of that "You put yourself into that situation so you don't deserve sympathy" crap that I sometimes heard from others. And yet, the judgment is always right at the surface as far as my mother is concerned. I resent that she's let herself deteriorate like that, and that she won't (or possibly can't) change her behaviors in positive ways now. I've thought about the reasons for my different feelings in the two situations, and tried to reconcile them--without a whole lot of luck so far! Anyway, I'm sorry that you're dealing with similar issues with your MIL (I imagine that's even trickier with those family dynamics!).
I don't force my vegetarian meals on my mother (and they're quite tasty vegetarian meals, when I do make them!). But if I'm cooking one for myself or my son for dinner, I'm sorry but I'm not going to cook a separate, non-vegetarian dinner... I just kind of feel that if she's not going to make herself a meal, she shouldn't be quite so picky about what someone else makes for her!
Wonderful suggestions, Rainmom, and I'm sorry about your issues with your mother--yikes! The "therapeutic fib" idea is brilliant! I will give some thought as to how I might approach things in a similar way...
I should say that it's not exactly as if I'm slaving away for her all day. She does have a wonderful young woman who is here most mornings (she's been coming since before I moved in, and it would have seemed mean to fire her just because I showed up). It's just that when I'm doing something for her, and she complains about how I do it, it gets old fast. She also has a habit of yelling "It's my house and I'll live how I want to live!" when I suggest that she do things to keep it cleaner so that it's not infested with bugs (as it was for a while before I moved in, and still is to some extent), etc. Yes, it's her house, but she wants me to live in it, and I don't feel like living in filth (and again, it's a gorgeous, huge house--she has a habit of buying expensive things and then letting them fall apart).
My irritation at her not doing more around the house is, again, more about the fact that she is allowing herself fall apart (like the house, etc.) by lying on the couch or in bed all day every day with the TV on. And then complaining that I don't care...
I understand the suggestions that I move out, but at the moment it's just not feasible, and it would also seem mean (I know, I know...). I have spoken to my son about it a lot over the years; he's now 17 and quite wise for his age. He gets frustrated at my frustration, but I think he "gets it," and understands that although this situation is a negative one, there are ways to have wholesome, positive relationships with people (I'm sure he's not always thrilled with me, and of course sometimes he gets me mad, but our relationship is pretty great for a single mother and a teenaged child).