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My mom is in independent living and tells me almost every visit how much she loves it. She's very independent, so her big thing is, "They leave me alone." My mom doesn't do any activities at 95. She's happy to stay in her room and read and work her puzzles and watch TV. She can come or go as she pleases. She's lived there for 13 years.

The only thing that didn't work for my mom is that she doesn't get dressed most days, so going down to meals wasn't working for her. So we get a break of $150/month and I bring mom her food and she fixes it in her microwave. She also has a fridge. But I can take her out (she no longer drives) or she could call a taxi or a friend could take her somewhere. So there's a lot of freedom to do what you want to do.

I agree with Cwillie. What does your dad feel like he's giving up by moving to independent living?
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Dave, another thought. Has your dad ever been evaluated for depression ?
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On Being Mortal. Where is autocorrect when you need it?
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What is it he does at home that he feels he would have to give up in assistive living? "They get up in the morning, eat, go to an activity, then go to lunch, then go to an activity, then eat, then go to an evening movie, then they sleep" sounds like a pretty typical day for many retired people, in fact most living independently don't even get to have the afternoon activity!
I would compare assistive living to a buffet, there is house keeping, meals, laundry service, social contact and group activities and more if he chooses to take advantage of them. But if he lets staff know his preferences he can still veg in his room or sleep until noon if that is his style. Often they can keep a little fridge in the room for beverages, snacks and light meals, and when he wants to spend a night out on the town all he needs to do is let someone know so they won't be worried about him. And someone WILL be worried about him if he breaks his normal routines, that is one of the advantages!
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Dave, I'm curious why you OR your father thinks that it's your job to come up with these answers. That's just something for you to chew on.

Can your dad pinpoint for himself what would be missing from his life if he moved to a Senior Community?

I would also suggest a book for you both. On Being Motsl, by Atul Gawande.
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Thx Babalou,

Well really right now he is ready for independent living in an apt in a senior community. He needs to have someone else cook his food. One where there are others approx. his age. He could still have a car assuming he could still be good enough to drive.

I recently dispelled his notion that he would be eligible for his LTC to pay for 'assisted living' if he declared that living in his house was 'too much'. In reality he would have to have his LTC care giver see if he could not do 2 of the ADL's to trigger the LTC. He can do all the ADLs.

But even in a senior living community, there are many similarities to assisted living. There are the meals, the communities activities and sleep, get up and do it all again. True the independent community activities can involve a bus and going places. True many people would have a car.

Life is what you make it, and that includes living life with restrictions.

The loss of the car would have a huge impact on his psyche.

Understandably living in increasingly assisted living situations, with a nursing home at the final stop, is very upsetting to him.

I do not know where I am going with this. I feel like I need to come up with some answers he can accept and hold on to.

Thx!
Dave
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D, your profile doesn't say anything about your dad's impairments. If he doesn't need CARE or ASSISTANCE, perhaps he would be better off in Independent Living or even a Senior Apartment. I would try to analyze what his actual needs are before making a move.

When we realized that my mom couldn't live alone anymore, we thought that AL (assisted living ) was the answer. It was more than mom needed at the time, and the wrong kind of assistance.

Does your dad need assistance in remembering to take his meds( AL can assist with this), help with showering (again, AL). Or does he just need to be somewhere where there are folks around for socialization, meals prepared and served?

What restrictions is he chafing at? ALs are not prisons and in most of them, one can come and go as they please. What is it that would make it "living" in your dad's eyes?
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You answered him perfectly. It will be up to him to make a new life for himself if he is as independent as you say and wants to remain that way.... perfect answer.
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