How to caregive when you live out of state?

Well. If she lives a 20 minute *drive* from town, it isn't likely - is it? Is she a terrific hiker? - that she really did walk there. What was the context when she talked to you about "walking into town"?

I should go back to Home Instead and enlist them as allies. The goal is for you and your sister and your area manager to persuade your mother to accept regular support as a condition for her to remain at home. Stress that this is how she gets to stay at home in her house with her dog, and that everyone is on the same side on this.

Remember, it isn't an argument you need to win - it's a developing situation that you can take your time over.

Are the phone calls working to prompt her to take her meds?

At about age 91, my mom began to have trouble with her legs collapsing under her. She was in an apartment in a building that rented mostly to seniors. She had good neighbors on every side. And she had Visiting Angels coming 2 or 3 times a week. She had family in the same city and one niece was diligent about visiting her and taking her to do errands like shopping, and another who kept her involved in her family’s life with 3 young and cute and active sons who loved their “GG”. It was as perfect a situation as could be and she loved it!

Then the niece who was closest and most active died a tragic death and all of this began to fall apart. Turns out no one was even calling her every day, much less checking in. It just sort of drifted into a pattern of benign neglect. Finally, she collapsed one night trying to get to the bathroom and could not get up again. Yes, she had one of those buttons she could push and they would call and come out if needed. But she didn’t want to “be a bother”, so she didn’t push it. I’ll spare you the grim details, but this well-groomed former nurse lay there in her own soil for 3 days. Did she shout for help? No. Again, her life was about not being a bother. On day 4, the Visiting Angel came and discovered her and did what was needed to get her to the hospital and call local family. She was severely hydrated and had lost the ability to feed herself or write her name, could barely use her hands at all, etc.

She went into rehab and recovered some functioning. She was very happy in rehab and would have been content to stay there, but Medicare only allowed 30 days or so. Her second choice was to go back to her apartment, which she loved, and live there. It was a one-bedroom, so even though she was willing to have a room mate who would keep an eye on her, that was not feasible. After trying a few AL’s, it became clear she was not adapting but was rather feeling that she had been abandoned in the hands of strangers who, we discovered, were not very diligent in her care. Finally, she moved in with my husband and me, several states away. She made that transition well, but required 24-hour-a-day availability even though she was also independent in many ways (occasional hallucinations, etc). We cared for her for the final 9 years of her life. I tell you all this as background to what will be an unconventional point of view.

When you say your mother only wants to live in her house with her dog for the rest of her life, my response is “then let her do that, but use the liaison suggested by MyCalling”. They can check in and be there to make arrangements before an “incident” turns into a “crisis”. Wish we had known about liaisons. Even though my Mom loved me and my husband, she never stopped deeply missing her independent living situation. In many ways (particularly with the low level of care she received in the AL’s we explored) she was experiencing what, to her, was “a fate worse than death”. She was a very committed and active Christian and was absolutely not afraid of death; almost welcomed it. The older I get (I’m 72 now), the more empathy I feel for that desire to just be left alone for come what may. I hope my children do NOT do for me what I did for Mom in the name of caring. We cared for her for 9 years and don’t regret a moment of it. But I often wonder if it would have been better to just get a DNR and allow Mom to live happily in her community of seniors with a daily welfare check. The situation you are facing is one that can rip you apart. But my “hindsight” wishes for Mom would be to make the apartment situation work in some way. I had not seen her happier or more involved in 10 years. I have begun to think deeply about why we are so addicted to “keeping people alive”, even when quality of life is gone, but the healthy physical body keeps going like the Energizer bunny. Give me quality of life with minimal “supervision” please. Maybe your Mom feels the same.

I did long distance care giving for both parents for years. Same situation as you and many others, stubborn, dementia, wouldn’t allow help in the house, meds mixed up, not bathing or eating, dad wandering around in his car and on and on......

There comes a point where Its not sustainable. For you like most of us, it will take a crisis to force the issue of moving to a facility or getting in home care. Your the parent now. You have to protect her whether she likes it or not.

I put 60 thousand miles on my car making the trip home for each crisis. I’m mid 60s and those 12 hour drives were not easy.

You’re not likely to get mom to agree to anything but at some point you quit asking and start doing what has to be done. For me it was a big hot mess getting my folks into assisted living but they adjusted after awhile and I started to get my life back. I had developed pretty serious A Fib during all this. Just had my annual physical and it has abated very very nicely.

I hate to tell you this, but she's only going to get worse until one day you will have no choice to possibly put her in an assisted living like my Brothers and I had to do with our Mother. All 3 of us worked, had our own families, and/or lived in another state, and/or had no spare room She fell and broke her arm so were able to use that excuse to put her in one, close to where my younger Brother and I lived so we could visit. I found a social worker for the placement and she had 24/7 help if she needed it. It's the hardest thing to do to your own relatives, but you got to do what you've got to do. You can not rely on your neighbors all the time. I learned that the hard way. Good luck.

Dementia reaches a point where it's no longer safe for the elder to live alone, and Memory Care Assisted Living becomes necessary. Or for someone to move in with her full time, or for her to move in with one of her children full time. What she wants isn't always what she can have, when disease sets in, unfortunately. You can't remind a demented elder to do things either.....their minds just dont absorb little notes or calls, etc. For example, I put up an Alzheimer's clock in my mother's room. It shows the day, date, time and whether it's day or night, in large neon letters and numbers. It sits right in front of her recliner. She doesn't remember to look at it, so she never knows what day it is and is chronically confused.

Good luck figuring out the next step to keep your mom safe.

It might be time to either have a caregiver live in or you may have to convince mom to move to Assisted Living or Memory Care.
Unfortunately all it takes is 1 incident that will send her to the ER. If she is found in time..
With dementia you can never tell what is going to happen when. She could decide that she needs something from the store and wanders off..
She could slip on the floor, slip in the bathroom..what happens if she is on the floor for 12 hours, 24, or more? Would she recover?
I hate to be a downer on this but it is a bit of reality.
If mom has a diagnosis of dementia her doctor could state that she is not safe living alone. That would give you some ammunition for a full time caregiver or a move.

Your mom may not need a caregiver service at this time but a Liaison. Someone who can check on her 3 times a week that will make the visit time as needed. A friendly visit. A Independent Contractor not attached to a business that implies she needs help, sometimes this can cause rejection of services when the individual wants to stay independent themselves. Address it as a lady I suggest someone 55+ that doesn't necessarily have to wear a uniform who will come just to check and see if you need to run errands or help with the mail and housekeeping, non-medical services being that you described her services as non-medical. I was the liaison for a out of state family who mother at the age of 94 still lived alone, and this was the approach used, because she to would send caregivers away. If you are the person responsible for paying for services allow it to be at as needed for hours spent and a show up fee if your mom refuse entry, until she adjust. Even a show up can determine if all is good with your mom. Independent Contractors are consumer focused providers and use both regulated and non-regulated approaches. Try the friend\ companion, no uniforms as allowed service approach. Letting your mom be part of the decision each day if there are no safety issues non-medical care services involved. I hope this helps or give you an idea of how to go about ensuring that your mom is safe alone while assisting her in her needs at the same time.

My parents lived in Florida, and I live in Georgia. My parents moved up here when my dad's health declined due to COPD, and my mom just needed some help with him, (from me). He passed away a few years after the move here, and about 9 years later, my mom got Alzheimer's. She had been living independently until then, even going to Florida for the winters. When she showed "concerning" signs, she moved in with us, which in some respects was easier than me going to her apartment every other day or so to check on her, and calling her daily. In some respects, it was harder having her live with us, because I was "on call" for her needs 24 hours a day. She had visual and auditory hallucinations, she'd storm out the door, etc., so it was a good (if exhausting) thing that she was here. Is it feasible for you to make room for her and her dog (we had a dog too, who loved her, by the way), and maybe hire some help, or get a volunteer to stay with your mom for a few hours here or there, to give you some respite? I was lucky in that my husband retired early, so he watched her when I worked part-time. I even wrote a book about our travails taking care of her, entitled "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I never expected that my once bright, articulate, well-educated and nice mom would get Alzheimer's, but no one does I guess. Best of luck.

Definitely no Uber, my dad has dementia and lives with me, these people are stubborn and revert to being children, so honestly sometimes that's how you have to treat them, your mom needs help, hire the people back and leave a note, stickies are great, basically I would threaten, you either let these people come help and you can live here forever with your dog or you will have to go into a home. Sorry it's blunt but that's the bottom line. My father will refuse to take a shower for days, being nice and reminding him constantly to shower has little result, but turning the tv off and telling him shower or no more tv does the trick every time.

As others have said, ,it will only get worse. My mom would fire or send home any aides that we had to come in the house and complained that they weren't "interesting" people. (She was a PhD and very snobby about friends.) Finally, after she left the burner on, was calling people in the middle of the night because she was too hot or cold, etc. We finally convinced her that she should just go to an AL facility for a "trial" period to see if she liked it. Of course, we never planned to move her out of there. The only hiccup you have is her dog. Being close to my dogs, I totally understand her wish. I have no idea if there are any ALs that accept pets. But I'd find one that you like and arrange for a "trial" stay and then just not move her out. Sounds harsh, but it is for her safety (and, frankly, that of her dog who she may soon forget to feed).