Mom 78 fell back in Jan 2019, was very sick which I am sure was Covid, they just weren't testing for it then. She stayed 8 months in nursing homes where they did diagnose her with Dementia. We moved in to her home because it was most cost effective. I was paying my mortgage, had taken over her bills and home, and nursing home at $3700 a month alone was killing us. The medicines were keeping her down and confused til a NP took her off all of them and she was so much better. She begged to come home so we did bring her home. Now I live with my husband of 20 years, my mother and my 2 children 18 and 22. There is not a separate living space for her. She stays in the living room from the time she wakes up till she goes to bed at night. Will not go to her room to give our family any privacy. She thinks that since it's her home she deserves to stay in her chair. And dare I mentioned to paint or redo anything in the house she gets mad and quits speaking to me. She is also depressed and sits all day and eats.
I just want to somehow live under one roof. I have tried asking her to let my family have some time to watch a movie in the living room together but she won't. So my whole family resorts to going to their rooms and closing the doors so they can get some privacy. My family has never had to do this. It's so hard and I do feel guilt and resentment towards her. I would like to hear your advise, tips of what you have done to cope with this. Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving!
I think you have done what many have done - tried to have love & togetherness save the day. Caring led you to take the action of temporarily moving in but It didn't turn out as planned. That's ok - it happens!
A least now you know - really know.
Time for a new care plan. That suits ALL of you, not just Mom.
I think you have no other alternative but to move out, personally. Your mother is 77 years old and can live another 2 decades, in reality. Do you want to live like this? In reality, her house can be sold so SHE can afford to pay for care of some kind in either Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing; you should never pay out of your own pocket to fund HER life as an elder. You should also not be held hostage in her home by her rigid rules where nobody can even watch a movie together in the living room! It's ridiculous and I'd put an end to it immediately if it were me.
Once you move out, mother can hire in-home help or look into selling the house and moving into managed care. You and your husband & children are not responsible to be her caregivers and personal servants for life. Look at it as you were doing this TEMPORARILY to help her recuperate; she recuperated, and now you 4 move on with your lives.
I know you are asking how to 'somehow live together under one roof' but unless your mother does a complete turn-around with her selfish all-about-me rules that she's put in place, I just don't see it happening. You all deserve a better life than what she is offering you.
Best of luck realizing that to make in-home care work, it has to work for EVERYONE involved, not just mom. Your family comes first, and it's perfectly fine to know that.
I'd like to start by saying that you shouldn't be paying your mom's bills! Mom should pay her own way. HER resources should be paying for any facility or nursing care she needs.
Have you looked into getting mom qualified for Medicaid?
Living as you are right now sounds like a very unhappy and stressful situation for you all. No healthy, not sustainable.
Meanwhile, if mom has dementia, you can't reason with her.
You need to start putting your family first. Start out by calling the local Area Agency on Aging. Ask for a needs assessment and case management services for mom. Maybe you need to consult an eldercare attorney to figure out how to disentangle your finances and get mom set up to pay her own expenses so you all can go back to living your lives.