xrayjodib Asked January 2020
How to explain to your spouse how important your loved one with dementia is to you?
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In my mother's ALF, they would never send her to the hospital w/o calling me first. I have to give the ok for them to call an ambulance unless it's a life or death situation, obviously. A red face does not constitute a life or death situation, so I can see where you'd be annoyed at such an over-reaction. If you can get a few things straightened out over the phone with the ALF, perhaps you can keep your Aunt where she is and keep everybody happy.
If not and you move her closer to you, then you'd need to sit down with DH and make up a list of rules. You will visit X amount of days per week or month, X amount of phone time will be spent, etc. What he's seeing is you spending 24/7 with them and leaving 0 time for him. Not to mention, does your Aunt WANT to move? I like the suggestion of asking her if she'd like to move with your mom to the retirement village, if such a thing is possible and/or feasible.
I don't think it's a matter of 'choosing between your husband and your loved ones in care' but a matter of coming up with a PLAN of how to handle the care which obviously falls to you no matter WHAT. Sit down with DH and talk it out and reach a mutually agreeable solution.
Good luck. It's a lot to deal with, I know. Wishing you all the best!
If she was at an AL in your home town in Montana, what do you think would have happened differently? The AL called and the same scenario played out? Or the AL called, you dropped everything, drove down there, talked to the nurses, Aunt stayed put, next shift came on, her face was still red and she was sent to the hospital, but in this scenario, you are call and told to meet her there.
There are a great many people who do not have family close by and live in AL.
I know I for one would not agree to moving 1000 miles give or take to a very different community, different weather, terrain etc, especially if I was receiving care where I was.
Maybe I didn't explain as well as I should have. So here's a little more background.
My Aunt has been in the ALF for almost 3 months now. It's a beautiful place, however, I have had an extremely hard time getting the staff to answer my questions. I leave messages and no one calls me back. I talk to the executive director and he tells me he'll get the answers. He doesn't call me back.
As for the trip to the ER, I received a call in the afternoon that my Aunts face was red. BP was fine, pulse fine, no fever and she felt fine. With 20 years of medical background under my belt, I asked them to monitor and call me if there was any change. They didn't call me until she was going to the ER by ambulance. A $200.00 ambulance bill will be coming soon. Yes, I if she was here in my town I would go check out the situation. But at least I could go home and not worry instead of waiting for a call from an ER Doctor.
Yes the move maybe tough on her. Honestly her memory is like swiss cheese. Making decisions is not anything she is capable of anymore.
So it's a matter of flying to California every time there is a major issue or driving 20 minutes!
20 minutes seems more reasonable to me.
I'd be realistic about caring for two seniors, one who has dementia. As the only available family member, it will fall onto you. Even if she is in a long term care facility, a lot is involved in the care and oversight. Often, multiple trips to the ER in the middle of the night, decisions about medication, meetings to discuss progression and other issues, financial matters, etc. The stress and responsibility can swallow you up. I'd try to be realistic about it. I suspect your DH knows this and that's why he is apprehensive. I've assumed that role for a family member, a cousin, who is more like an aunt to me and I am terrified that I would have to do it again. It truly changes your life.
Suppose Aunt had been in a facility near you. What would you have done differently that would not have taken MORE of your time than these phone calls did? Would you have been confident diagnosing rosacea (is this a chronic problem for her, by the way?)?
Your mother's moving nearby. You're deeply involved in aunt's care. Moving her closer to you would make you no less deeply involved, only doing more hands-on work.
What are you doing about boundaries? - because your husband is important to you too, and so should you be important to yourself. It's loving and reasonable and manageable to give time to people you care about whether or not they are formally your responsibility, but where's the limit? I can see what's worrying him.
Does your aunt even want to move? California versus Montana? Big switch. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! She hasn’t asked to move near you.
Ask your mother if she wants your aunt to move in with her at the retirement village.
You say she is to move closer. In what manner? Into a nearby assisted living? Have you sat with your husband who is likely now terrified you intend to move an elder (any elder, no matter how loved) into your house? Can you reassure him that you intention is to find housing for her in Assisted living, and would he help you look at some options?
I think you are in a place where you need first to get together a good plan:
Visit your aunt first of all. See what her assets are; see if she would wish to move to an assisted living nearer to you, if that can be easily arranged (nothing is easy in these moves, trust me). Are you her POA. Would you want to be? for Health care and financial. After you see what her wishes are return to your husband.
Reassure him that your Aunt will NEVER be moving into your household. Tell him your plans. Ask his input. This is not something to do without discussion, thinking, planning, and taking time to do it.
And be assured, the assisted living did the right thing.
AL's without a continuum of care have no choice but to send them to ER. My dad went like 4 times in the short time he was at AL.
Are you her responsible party? I'm assuming so because they called you? It would be rough to oversee her care from a distance. If she has a lot of friends and connections where she is, moving her may not be a good idea. But we all know that most of the time as someone ages, friends fall away. If you are not her responsible party, trying to move her would and should be impossible.
Try not to blame your husband for being extremely wary of the situation. If your mother is moving that close to you, your time is already being parceled and he knows it.
Would moving her be better for you? or her? What about your commitment to your happy home and your partner? I urge you to talk to your husband and learn about his resistance, don't guess. Taking care of people is hard in so many ways. Having a supportive partner makes all the difference. But not everyone wants to go there. (We couldn't move my mom to my brother's area because his wife just couldn't handle the prospect of her life changing too much.)best wishes
he is certainly right to believe that he should be the most important person in your life.
if you spend some time reading here, you will learn that these situations (meaning with family member moving to be close) usually end with the time demand escalating to the point of a second full time job. I suspect your husband knows this already.
if you bring your aunt to you against your husbands wishes, you will demonstrate to him where he is on your scale of importance....think hard about this. Are you OK with doing irreparable harm to your marriage?
This is a common story here and in some cases actually leads to divorce.
Where are your aunt's children?
From point forward most likely your happy home will no longer exist. I am one of those who feel that your husband and children come first everyone else drops behind them.
Just my thoughts, good luck!
If the move means you would have better oversight and spend less mental energy worrying then that is a plus, but I imagine your husband fears the opposite would happen because removing her from her familiar place and friends will make you her sole support. Are you sure this is in her best interests?
Are you a good enough manager of your time to take on these added responsibilities for these ladies and not cause your husband to feel neglected? Does your husband still work or have hobbies that will give him something to occupy his time?
Just as an aside, her facility sent my mother to the ER for what I thought was no good reason a few times as well. It’s just their rules. They need to make sure all is well with their residents to cover their own behinds, so to speak.
You have some serious thinking to do and some choices to make. You are going into this knowing your husband doesn’t approve. Can you deal with the consequences of him possibly walking out if he feels you’ve put your loyalties elsewhere?