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Complaints about food is a common complaint in AL.

I know the AL mom was in still won't let anyone visit outside the resident's apartment. But if your mom's allow it "take her out to lunch" in her own dining room.

Try and accompany your mom (if possible) to attend some activity.

Other than that have the staff work with her to get her out of her room. Maybe you need to not visit as often and leave her to her own devices and the staffs'.

Where mom was they'd bring meals to the room only when the resident was ill otherwise there was an additional charge.

Sometimes it takes time to adjust - let the staff do the heavy lifting here and stay more in the background. If mom is suffering depression or anxiety have her see her doc - maybe with some meds to take the edge off - or therapy she may "come out of her shell/room."

BTW, Mom just moved from the old AL where everything was still pretty much locked down to a new IL facility - that was wide open - however with the rise of pandemic again visitors have to sign in get temp check. Her food is not the institutional food served at the old AL facility but actual food - she's only complained about one of the meals. She was originally in AL because dad needed the additional care, but after he died I tried to get her to move closer - she's now 3 mins away as opposed to 30 minutes.

Good luck with mom.
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dunazee Sep 2021
No guests in the dining room or at events, unfortunately. So far they are not charging to bring the food to her. Of course, she complains about it and when I suggest that she go to the dining room to pick out her own plate she says "tomorrow". I keep telling her they're going to raise her care level if she keeps it up, but that actually isn't true (so far), but that doesn't make a dent either.
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Your details of your mother are exactly the same with my mother. It’s been since Jan 1, 2020
she won’t eat in dining room. She complains about the food 7 days a week that is delivered to her. It falls on deaf ears (more choices in DR)
she tells me she has gained weight because of the food. She has actually gained 50 pounds since the lockdown. She’s very in active lifestyle. Won’t leave her room. Won’t socialize. Thinks everybody’s old and she’s young. Treats the staff badly. Treats me badly. Demands I bring her food.
but she is a hoarder and will not throw out takeout containers to go that are delivered to her. They sit on her table covered in mold. She yells at me and staff if we trying to throw them out. She spent one night overnight in the hospital and I cleared out and scrubbed and cleaned the apartment.
but otherwise I can’t get in there to clear out. I’m so afraid she will be thrown out for her bad living. She is very lazy. She throws trash in the floor rather than the trash barrel. It’s so gross!
hard to walk away from it because I want it clean for her and other residents.

ugh!
I am at a loss really.
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Right1 Aug 2021
She’s needs drs evaluation for possible anxiety medication & therapy to address hoarding & mental health.
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Your solution sounds good to me - it took my mother 6 moths to stop moaning and the whole pandemic period to actually appreciate what she had if she was talking to us (needless to say it was much quicker if she was talking to visitors). She has choices leave her to make them, and make short visits that do not discuss the facility just talk about general things.
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When we’re trying to help a loved adjust to a major life change, 2 months can seem like a very long time. But for someone in your mother’s situation, it isn’t much time at all. It was a good 6 months before my LO began to relax and enjoy her life in memory care.

You don’t have to stop visiting altogether unless you want to, but cut back to short visits every other day or so.

Absolutely true that she has to accept those who are helping her where she lives.

Her roommate, when she arrives, may temporarily change the dynamic she’s established for herself, but YOU should not be paying for her anyway, and a roommate’s activity may be helpful to her.

If you’ve chosen a nice place for her, and her helpers seem kind and interested in her, back up a little and let them become part of her life.
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Why would she want to make friends when she already has one - namely, you?
All you have really done is change her accommodation (pretty expensive motel...). These places should already have activity coordinators that bring residents together to develop familiarity and ultimately friendships (consolidated in the dining room as each comes to rely on the other). Your visits, although supportive and well intentioned, may be inadvertently breaking down this natural process.

As per your request... Therapy for you:-

Never think for one second that people with dementia lack intelligence. Many years of life experience, combined with the willingness of their children to be readily exploited, can be a potent mix of guilt and manipulation - hey, you might even be thinking all of this is what you chose to do!

Stop enabling your mother. Treat her gently and with respect, but understand that beneath that frail exterior, there lies a veritable factory of scheming and plotting to get their own way.
Do you consider yourself indispensable? Your mother may only see you as a resource in her present condition. Pass on the baton of responsibility as you have facilitated, and enjoy her company in moderation - for your own rehabilitation/transition to living a normal life.
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@cwillie: Guests are not allowed in the dining room during the pandemic. In past years I have eaten in the dining room with her and her gal pals, and yes, that can be effective.

@BarbBrooklyn: She's never been a joiner, I certainly don't expect her to start now. I just want her to get out of her room, moving around a bit, and meeting some of the other residents.

@lealonnie1: I've mentioned that. The threat of running out of money doesn't seem to faze her. I'm not sure if that's a good (happy go lucky) or a bad thing (can't figure it out). She's never been financially savvy. I thank my father for teaching me how to handle my finances.

@SunnyGirl: You know what? You are absolutely right. I'm sure that she is embarrassed. She has days where she can't see out of her new glasses. We just got estimates for hearing aids (O.M.G. are they expensive!! But I will pay for them out of my own money if she just stops saying "what?"). She definitely needs a bunch of dental work. She wants implants ($$$$$$); I want new dentures ($$$$). So we have some work to do so we can meet in the middle.
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Your profile says your mother has dementia, incontinence, hearing and vision problems. I’d try to keep in mind that with memory issues a person has trouble remembering names, following conversations, etc. She may be embarrassed to let new people realize this. Plus, she may not be able to understand them very well. I could tell it bothered my LO when she was in AL. She didn’t fit in with those who were not impaired that way. It was just too much for her. Plus, the noise, the bustle, it overwhelmed her. She preferred a quieter, peaceful setting. Once she arrived in Memory Care, she did fine. There, the dining room was small and no one expected anything from her. She fit in better there.

Eventually, she may like a roommate. Even if you have a roommate, they may not be in the room much. Once in MC, my LO spent most of her time wheeling around, sitting in tv room, etc, She did like most of her roommates quite a bit. As she progresses, her reaction might surprise you.

I wouldn’t stop visiting though. Just reassure her she’s fine and support her with her choices. Often, people with dementia know things aren’t right in their mind and they need that support from someone they trust. I’d keep in mind what you tell her may be forgotten each day, so each time it’s like the first time she’s heard it.
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Right1 Aug 2021
Geez; I agree. Dementia & Alzheimers patients can be two types “go happy” or “angry” I believe based on behaviors & interactions prior to advancing. It’s hard; extremely hard to watch & be apart of. Good Drs, Nurses & CNA’s can make such difference. To not be there to make sure no emotional abuse or letting stay soiled is important & facilities vary wildly.
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Tell her there will be a $5 charge to her room per meal that she's having delivered to her room from now on. That's $15 per day or $450 per month added to the already inflated AL bill. If she's anything like my mother, that will get her butt moving to the dining room in a New York minute.

In the meantime, I'd have a chat with the ED of her AL and ask them what their policy is on delivering meals to the residents' rooms. In my mother's place, they really DO charge $5 per meal after a certain # of meals for room service. I think they get around 5 meals a month free or something like that, then there's a charge. The CGs have a lot better things to do than schlepping meals around to residents' rooms! My mother's place strongly discourages holing up in one's room, and in Memory Care now, there can be NO meals at all eaten in one's room unless the resident is ill.

Ask the ED to help you out here by coming up with a plan to get your mother OUT of her room and interacting with the other residents. Otherwise, I'd do as you said and refuse to visit her until she agrees to cooperate. The activities director used to come knock on my mother's door to urge her to come to social events every single time she didn't show up, too..........what's YOUR AD doing about your mom hiding out in her room all day? Find out!!

Good luck!
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This is not your job. This is the AL's job.

Your mom is allowed to refuse to socialize. You may need to let her be.
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Right1 Aug 2021
You know nothing of assisted living then. Even in a “best of” they’re understaffed, UNDER PAID, & under experienced! I was shocked that while paying for daily CNA visits to give mom meds & ck blood pressure the head nurse at Brookdale stated “her girls” are not trained to manually check blood pressure! Cannot find reliable electronic BP gauge regardless of brand or cost. Knowing how to ck BP w/watch seems right up there with knowing CPR! How could even janitor get hired & not take a group class on CPR. It’s all disheartening & advanced aging weighs heavy on my mind everyday knowing our most fragile are often living on a hope of efficient staff which changes constantly,,,, so that hope means that hopefully there is a family member willing to give up some of their life & time for another’s.
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Pre pandemic most AL's allowed guests in the dining room, if you are able to eat with her there during your visits in might be a way to get her used to going to the dining room.
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rkfernandez Aug 2021
This is the best advice in this string . . . love it!
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