I started helping my mom around 25 years ago with lawn care, grocery shopping, fixing things that was needed for the house, going to Dr. appt with her, and what ever else. At that time I didn't mind, but here I am 25 years later and in the past 10 years the list has become much larger and more demanding. In the past 5 years I have spent weeks at a time 24/7 in hospitals with her after open heart surgery, broken hip, broken back, etc...She is afraid to be alone in a hospital. My mom has heart issues, lupus, severe osteoporosis, anxiety, depression to name a few. She has always been the strongest woman I know! Not anymore and its heart wrenching to see. She lives in her home with my mentally challenged sister. ( who is able to help with daily activities like make coffee, or get something mom needs) it allows me to not have to live there. However she is limited on what she can do, so I do the rest. I have two brothers who dont help much. “They can't handle it” 🙄. Since her heart bypass she has developed anxiety!! Dr. prescribed medicine for it which she at times has taken too much, when mixed with her pain medicine (I hide her anxiety meds and her pain meds now. After her back was broken it caused her to hunch over severely which has caused her ribs to push on her esophagus, and that makes swallowing difficult. She weighs 90 lbs from 160 three years ago. She also has Reynard syndrome in her hands and feet, also has bad circulation in her legs which is causing wounds on her feet, toes and legs. We were doing wound care twice a week, and they were improving, so we stopped. Then the covid-19 came and I wasnt spending as much time there because she is high risk and I am an essential worker. So the feet have broken down again and she banged her leg and caused a wound that wont heal. The answer the Dr gives it to quit smoking! Ok shes 75 years old with numerous health issues. Is it going to make a difference at this point? I ask that, because when she does try and quit, I am called all hours of the day and night because she is having a full on panic attack! I get called at work, I get called 2-3:00 in the morning. She wont quit!! and because of that I feel the Dr, doesn't care to help with other issues. The other day she threatened to kill herself, if she cant get help!! ( how am I supposed to help) I am not a Dr, and I am not giving her anymore medicine than is prescribed. I told the Dr that today and his response was, “well she would rather smoke than live, she is fighting to not have to quit smoking.” She also suffers from restless legs. She goes days without sleep. So she says. But times I go to the house and shes asleep. I could go on and on, but thats the brunt of it. I know my mom is suffering in more ways than one, and I do whatever I can, but I am truly at my wits end!!! She doesnt do her exercises, she wont take a shower!! She cleans up but thats it. I cant force her in a shower, I cant force her to eat, exercise, do small little tasks. She mainly sits around the house, either smoking, on her computer trying to find the “cure” for her and thinking about death all the time. I have tried giving her small things to do, she does it one day but wont the next. It’s stupid, boring or she just doesn't want to do it! Everything I do seems like its not enough!! Cook her food, “doesn't taste good. On that note and since I have really gone to town complaining any advice would be appreciated on how to handle these situations! Thank you to however takes the time to read my long post. Its 4:00 am and I cant sleep trying to figure out what today will bring, so I am just venting on here. Maybe that will help me sleep!
I am so painfully sorry for what you have endured thus far & can identify with you in SO so many ways. Not sure how much help I can give just yet but I can sure identify and sympathize.
My mother is almost 95 and has lived with my husband and I (in an in-law unit she had built) for almost 12 long years now.
Because I have difficulty with guilt and setting boundaries I unenthusiastically, along with my even less enthusiastic husband, agreed to let her move here (she always told me she could never live in an ALF).
I have had a difficult relationship with her my entire life, though she isn’t introspective enough to realize it.
My only sister is mentally ill, has severe ADD & has never held a job. Thank god my parents had the $ and the foresight to create a special needs trust to begin after they were gone. Sadly we hadn’t anticipated my mom’s complete mental decline over the past 7 years.
My parents (mom) never set any boundaries for my sister so she always got & did what she wanted knowing my parents (mom) would bail her out. She was never held accountable & would sometimes call my mom 12 x a day ... every day.
Suddenly, up until a year ago, I was responsible for all my sister’s nightmare problems/needs, as well as my mother’s. I worked full time and my husband has many compound health issues (retired last year).
Mom has had several small strokes in the past year and now needs 24-hour care with 4 caregivers instead of the care she was getting between 2 caregivers and myself. The only thing she can do unaided is eat and “visit” a bit though it’s always in the moment. It’s very sad BUT,
I am now just at my wits end. I’ve hit an invisible wall and have come to resent her and all of her picky, ridiculous, annoying, OCD ways so much that I don’t know how much longer I can contain my anger. I have run completely out of sympathy. I am so grateful she can afford the amazing care she gets from her girls, but the majority of my day revolves around her (I am now COVID-retired). My husband is a huge help on the legal and financial management front but I manage all of her girls, her personal needs, supplies and every other aspect of her life. For the past 8 months I am increasingly needed for every trip to the commode, on top of everything else. I feel I have to be home every 2 or 3 hours to help the caregiver toilet her as she has also gained weight (now 185lbs) & then she wants me “Visit” and is ALWAYS having some picky little annoying “problem”. Compared to others in her situation she is the luckiest ‘fricking woman in the world! My husband is always last.
There are so many more details to this that I could go on for pages and pages but the rage might take over and my head would explode. Windyd, you have my complete understanding.
So many questions to ask in the future but I’m sure you’ve had enough of me for now.
It's easy to say but diet, diapers, and round the clock care for mom would ease your life. Without adequate rest and recovery, you will be no good for mom at all, even with her living under your roof. With four girls, you should not have to "help" with toilet care and mom's bowel/bladder timings should be well known by now. The help is taking advantage of you! I'm MrsHoover and I change my 150+ lb husband's diapers alone several times a day. The help can handle mom alone and give you more quality time to give my the face-to-face time she wants. Good luck and write back. Help is here.