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Debbie, I understand. I love my mom so much! It just broke my heart to have her go to a nursing home. She begs me to take her home also and it just kills me when I visit her.
However, she has dementia, but recognizes us and will ask questions about family members, but will forget that we visited. She also has diabetes and is not strong enough to walk the bathroom by herself. If she were able to walk I would bring her home but that was the deciding factor for me. The first nursing home did not work out, and luckily we found a really good one for Mom. She is well taken care of, eats three meals a day, which she was not doing before , and someone is there for her if she falls. I had always planned on her living with me, but it just didn't work out that way. But I do understand how you feel. I love her so much!
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Debbie17 Apr 2020
yes, it sounds like we are in similar situations. It is very painful. I also always thought I would have her live with me when it became necessary. But after her stroke, with many complications, she cannot stand or walk. She cannot transfer herself to a chair. Her phone is on a nightstand next to her bed in her rehab and she cannot even answer it . It is not that far from her but she cannot get it herself. It would be much less difficult if she did not beg me to take her home when I do speak to her on the phone. I mean BEG. I get anxiety just anticipating our conversation.
Anyway, thank you for your response. I guess we all do the best we can.
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"Wants to come home". When alone, confused, stressed, among strangers it is only natural to want the familiarity of home.

Debbie, did your Mother live alone or with you before the stroke?
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Debbie17 Apr 2020
My mother lived alone in her own home. Her second husband died 6 years ago. I went to her house every day for 3 hours for those 6 years to help her where needed mostly for company but to take her places . I also cleaned for her . That is where she wants to go when she says she wants to go home.
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Debbie, your mom's desire to go home is her wishes. As for safety, ALFs, nursing homes, etc. are not necessarily safer. Typically, at every facility including the best ones, there are lots of falls, lousy food, and severe depression, that will result in an earlier death. B4 you equate anything to the theory that some facilities are better than others, go to the best one you can find and try to eat what they serve. I brought my mom home as soon as possible after her rehab from a fall. I hired a live in caregiver and later, as her physical and mental health declined further, arranged 24 hr care (2, 12hr shifts). My mom needed it, she had all manner of cramps and pain at nights, difficulty eating or swallowing, and eventually lost ability to walk or even hold a 6 oz juice pack with a straw. Towards the end (yes, she did die just 3 weeks ago, at the home she owned and loved, not from anything, she was just old, it was her time), she lost all speech, communicating yes/no by eyeblinks. Financially, there are significant costs in both home and facility care, and I'm not sure it costs any less at a facility vs. home. I will say that home care, by a professional caregiver, at least a CNA, will be far better than that same CNA who has to attend 20 moms like yours at a facility. I also don't think family members are good caregivers, and typically don't have the training or experience to do it, especially a non ambulatory case like your mom (please don't try). Personally, although I too have a life, I would've given it all up and moved 3000 miles to be with mom and stay there for life if it was needed to bring her home. My 5 brothers and sisters initially thought different, but they all came on board when they saw how much happier mom was in her home, with skilled care. And we could all visit mom whenever we wanted without feeling obligated to provide care. There are some excellent caregivers out there that can be privately hired...you don't need an agency. I have heard what your mom said because my mom, and others, said it. Costs either way (24 hr home vs facility) are significant, and cannot be bargained down much due to your mom's needs...it depends on location, but let's just say at least North of 100K/yr. My mom had money, as did her children who cared.
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I asked about *home* & thankyou for clarifying. To go *home* then - her home would only be possible if A. You moved in, left your DH or he came too & could do everything. Not going to be possible or B. Mum went home with 24/7 aides (virtually impossible to set up in this CV crises.

Does that make it any easier at all to see how possible *home* is? I am so sorry you re going through this. For those with caring hearts it is so hard to say no to LO's pleas.

In your shoes, I would move Mum to the NH & commiserate with her. "Yes I am sad too that you can't go home yet. We'll just have to make do here for a while. It will be OK". Then try to get special permission to visit, based on the recent stroke - I don't want to scare you with the terms hospice or palliative, but these labels will allow visitors in.
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If *home* is not possible, is the underneath thought that's causing the hurt 'I should take care of her'. I get that. I also get you can't fix her.

What I'm trying to warn you of is that even if you could do all her care - if in your home, your Mother will most likely still want to *go home*.

My Mother begged to go home too after her stroke. Being in her 70's & having a healthy spouse made that possible (only just). When she got home the begging to *take her home* changed to *make the stroke go away so I can walk* over & over 😔.
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