My mother had a stroke Feb. 15. She has been in hospitals and now rehab. She is not making progress and rehab will stop soon. She cannot walk. Is confused at times (not always), and needs lots of assistance. Every time I talk to her she says she wants to come home. I am devastated. I do not know what to do. Everyone tells me that I could not take care of her. My brothers think she should go into nursing home. I am so close to her and feel helpless and guilty.
you make an excellent point, how guilty would I feel if she came home and I could not care for her.
thank you for your thoughtful answer. I needed this reassurance as a decision has to made very soon. I love this forum and am glad I sought help!
While she is in rehab, have her evaluated for Long term care. If there is a nursing section in the same building, then she could be transferred over. If not, start looking and visiting NHs in the area. If she has no money apply for Medicaid.
Think hard before u take on the responsibility for her care. Its like having a baby. Your life is not your own.
Yes, I am 64. I am married but have no children. My mother was pretty independent prior to this stroke. She was able to live alone until 93 because I went to her home every morning until noon since her second husband died. 7 years. I know she is looking to me to help her. It is heart wrenching. And she has hung up on me twice after I told her I cannot come and get her. The added stress of the coronavirus and no visiting allowed is making this transition very difficult and painful. I have looked into 24/7 In home care and we cannot afford it. I truly appreciate your response. I am getting the same one from everyone I ask. I wonder how many I need before I will accept what must happen!
No one I’ve ever read about on this board has ever said they enjoyed putting a loved one in a facility. The most difficult thing about it is being realistic. Most of us caregivers are not medical professionals. And, even if we were, it’s different going to work, putting in your hours with patients you are not related to and then going home. When you care for a family member, you are on-call 24/7/365. Even if the person you’re caring for is pretty easy-going, like my hubby, there are still the 3AM potty calls, the continuous washing, changing, wiping, fetching food, drinks, and the worst is worrying about a medical emergency and that you will not know what to do.
You mom, like mine, if she is becoming confused and may be suffering from dementia, may want to return “home” to the place she grew up. No Senior Citizen who has perhaps lived in their home for decades is happy about leaving, admitting they need help and counting on the kindness and personal care of people they don't now. They often react with anger and put the blame on the nearest person. This person always has doubts and feels guilt. But when we realize that if we did take the loved one into our home, we would be doing the work of three shifts of caregivers around the clock, acceptance comes easier.
I hope you and your brothers and the “everyone” you wrote about will sit down and speak frankly about your mother's needs. Offer your thoughts and listen to their’s. Sending you good vibes. Come back with updates. We care.
i understand your feelings of guilt. It comes from wanting her to be well and whole. Unfortunately, you have no control over that part of her life.
the real question may be, how guilty would you feel if she came home and you couldn’t give her the care she deserves.
Reassure her that you will be there for her and that you’re not going to leave her. Be involved in her care and take care of yourself so that you can be there for her.
God bless.