Follow
Share

Are there special psychological issues associated with taking care of one's sibling? We are very different people with different values. It is sometimes difficult to abide by my older sister's wishes when they conflict with what I think is best for her (or me!). But I am it, the last other survivor of our birth family, her POA, and the person upon which her choices (often poor ones, in my opinion) devolve. She has always been self-centered, but good to me overall. I want to make her happy but bristle at appetites, fantasies, demands. Today she woke me up with a text asking for takeout food when she's in the hospital! Help.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Please spend this time while she is in hospital lining up alternative care. Your sister will be taken care of. What about you? Please stop spending your retirement on her.

You will have enough to do by helping with medical decisions and visits. For any relationship it has to work for both parties.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

When caring for my sibling (with special needs) I have found it very useful to look at each issue to check:
Is this my choice?
Is this my responsibilty?

Starting at the small end of things, ordering the food she wants is definately your sister's choice. Therefore her responsibility to arrange.

Going to the larger end, living where she does. This is also her choice, therefore her responsibility to arrange what help/services she needs.

Guardianship may even ben needed to change her living situation if she gets to a point she can no longer decide things for herself, although hopefully your POA may be enough.

Finding out legally what is within your POA role would be of benefit to both of you - as the law is the most firm boundary.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

She can call a restaurant herself for take out. They will leave it at the front desk. It may be cold when it gets to her though.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
LittleSister65 Jan 20, 2024
Thank you. Practical idea for when she is in better shape.
(1)
Report
Do the things that you think are reasonable to do, and that you are reasonably willing to do. Both criteria should be met. I agree that therapeutic white lies can be helpful.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
LittleSister65 Jan 20, 2024
I like your two separate criteria as they really are separate issues.
(0)
Report
Txt for takeaway food?
Txt back, sorry can't.
Then don't visit for a day.

Basically, stall.

Or, go straight up.

"I am not your takeout delivery service".
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
LittleSister65 Jan 20, 2024
You clearly are more straightforward than I have been. Good to remember "I messages" are easier and more effective than "you messages." Thanks.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
One issue is that you are her PoA and they think you should be the one to figure out her next landing place. But just because you're her PoA doesn't obligate you in any way to provide hands-on help. Keep working with the hospital to find a place for her to go into directly. Sometimes hospitals will promise to "help" you if you take her home... nope. Do not take her home! THis is your golden opportunity to "easily" transition her to someplace else.

Are the conditions that activate your PoA authority met so that you can legally make decisions in her best interests now?

In your post you mention "fantasies"... it is possible she now has a UTI or "hospital delirium" so discuss this with her doctor so she can get treated.

We can't chose our relatives but we can chose whether and how much we interact with them. Every day I have to remind myself that my 94-yr old Mother's behaviors and words are being directed by her dementia and not a well brain or her heart. It's hard when they look the same but are now changed forever after.

You can use "therapeutic fibs" with your sister now: "The doctor says you cannot have takeout food until you are out." or whatever narrative you think she will believe. There is nothing immoral or unethical about this.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
LittleSister65 Jan 20, 2024
All very useful ways to think about this.
(1)
Report
If you can, enlist the help of one of her friends or someone else - surely you shouldn't have to run to Burger King to satisfy her hospital appetite.

She must be overentitled in the extreme. I can assure you that I never, in various times in the hospital, ever thought of asking for better food to be brought from outside. I ate whatever they brought, as most people there did.

On the other hand, if she is Catherine, Princess of Wales, now recovering from abdominal surgery in London, maybe I could understand it. But I think Kate probably brought her own cook from the palace to help......
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
LittleSister65 Jan 18, 2024
Thanks for the laugh. You nailed it. Though maybe she just meant she wanted this food when she got home. The texts are necessarily brief. Will find out soon enough!
(1)
Report
She's in the hospital? This is when u tell the Social Worker that her care has become too much for you and you can no longer care for her. To send her home would be an unsafe discharge. The SW should help you find a Long-term care facility for her. Your sister is beyond the care of an Assisted living. If she has Dementia, maybe Memory care, but that is private pay. If she has no other assets but her house, then Medicaid. Her SS and any pension will go to offset the cost of her care. If you have been living with her and caring for her you may be able to get a Caregiver Allowance and can remain in her home but you must be able to pay upkeep, utilities, mortgage if applicable and taxes. The SW should be able to help u, if not, talk to a medicaid caseworker at ur Social Service office.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
LittleSister65 Jan 18, 2024
Thanks for the push. I will call social services NOW.
(2)
Report
You don’t have to take on this responsibility to show your love. Support her by allowing others to help her. She is accustomed to leaning on you for everything. Pull back and allow her to find out that others are equally capable of caring for her needs.

Wishing you and your sister well.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
LittleSister65 Jan 18, 2024
Thank you for your kind wisdom.
(2)
Report
Just say no.
How's that.
"No, you are in the hospital and on a special diet. I have not the inclination nor time to do that".

If you feel that you cannot stand up to your sister, that you are too different, I think that you should resign as her POA while she is competent still, and you are able to do so. I was POA and Trustee of Trust for my brother. We were so alike as to be peas in one pod, and Hansel to Gretel in the dark woods of life. He was organized, kind and very cooperative. And given all THAT it was a difficult job.

I don't believe that blood dictates a duty of care. A duty of care comes of love and affection and mutual respect. There are ways for your sister to get the care of the state in guardianship if ever in need, and until that need arises to make her own decisions for her own life.

Just my opinion.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
LittleSister65 Jan 18, 2024
Thanks! I know you are right. I tried to work with Adult Services last year but somehow ended up still in charge. Now that she's been hospitalized and it's probably unsafe for her to go home, I may be off the hook legally. As for the personal dynamic, well, it took us a lifetime to get here--not likely to change. I will reconnect with a therapist to keep myself sane. Oh, yeah, another expense!
(3)
Report
See 2 more replies
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter