How to respond to this? Could turn into a spat but I won't let it.

I just cancelled my mother's medical alert device since her dementia prevents her from knowing when and how to use the device. Even if she were wearing her pendant or the wristband, she would not remember how to push the button or even know why she was supposed to push it. She would not be able to communicate with the people on the line most likely. It was an expensive product which we paid for twice a year and we (thank God!) never had to use it in the 5 years we had the service.

Tear up the angry letter and throw it away. Now is the time to think about what is best for your mother (and for you) and to discuss it with your brother and mother (maybe by conference call if you are social distancing)? You don't mention much about your mother's ability to be independent. Things are more complicated in this time of the pandemic. Maybe it would be best for your mother to move in with your brother if he can accommodate her and her care full time. Make sure he understands everything that you are doing for her. Or you could help with things like taking her to a doctor appointment, taking her shopping, etc. But I'd advise selling her house rather than renting it out. Becoming a landlord in these pandemic times means never being able to evict anyone, even the worst tenants. If she moves in with your brother it will mean a different relationship for you with your mother. This may (will) be difficult for you. Seek counseling if you need to talk about it with someone. I had a similar rude awakening when the pandemic struck and I was totally dependent on my mother's facility to take care of her. I had been visiting weekly prior to that. It turned out to be OK. They are taking good care of her, and she is doing fine.

No real advice here but you are not alone. There was a time when I was sent an email by a sibling and their spouse with a long list of everything I should change. I am main caregiver to both elderly parents who still live in their own place.
I was so upset when receiving that email but chose not to respond to it. My husband did respond rather forcibly but kindly. Since then they have not repeated their nastiness but even acknowledged the work involved. They are for the most part missing in action.
if your brother wants to take care of your mom let him. He will soon be emailing you asking for support.

OMG I didn't know my brother had a twin. I paid for my mom's medical alert for 3 months till she moved back to her home alone and decided to discontinue it. The money was no issue - she is cheap and brother perpetuates the "pour mouthing" because the less she spends the more he gets when she passes away. She is in assisted living now where life alert is mandatory - but she still doesn't wear it (carries it around in her walker). I'm sorry but I think you are in for a hard time with your brother. No amount of taking the high road has paid off for me. But I wish you the best truly.

Many forum issues are about feeling overwhelmed by caregiving and a lack of support from siblings.

Rather than feeling put off or unappreciated, I would accept your mother's desire to move in with your brother as a gift. You're getting five days a week of your life back with the option of seeing your mother on your own terms.

Let the two of them have each other. Why put up with this? As for an angry retort, that probably won't help anything.

My first thought was the same as OkieGranny - let them live together.
* Consider your needs first.
* If they are 'two peas in a pod,' consider it a gift that she'll move in with him.
* Why would you want the responsibility of caring for her if she doesn't really want you to and/or prefers to live with him?
* Get attorney if you need to re end of (her) life, POA, where you stand.
* Try to get this in writing, notarized, all legal.
* Being clear isn't confrontational - I wonder why this concerns you? Speak your truth although know what you want before you engage in this conversation.
* If I were you, I would talk to your brother first to see where he stands, then talk to your mom, then have a three way conversation, or include a witness or attorney.
* Since you do not have much / any relationship with your brother aside from needs relating to your mother, I would get legal professional advice if you feel it is needed.
* LASTLY, enjoy your life. Do you know how many people 'wished' that they had a brother or family member who would take on this reponsibility? I do understand emotional attachments/hurts from the past. Still. You can visit when you want. Sounds like a gift has fallen in your lap, although this is very subjective, me looking in from the outside.
* * *

Imho, it is possible that something got misconstrued. And your mother would pay for the medical alert pendant/necklace if she opts to get it. Prayers sent.

does anyone have POA or not?  My mother as an alert device and didn't wear it at first either until she fell in the tub and was there for 45 minutes before "luckily" I stopped up to see her.  she doesn't have dementia and luckily she wasn't hurt.  She wears it all the time now.  Maybe you can suggest kindly that since your mother doesn't want/need you around that you will be taking time off and that he will need to find someone to care for her while you are away.  Yes we are in a time where people need to be careful and that you hope that he and her get along while you are away and then stop communicating for awhile to see how things go.  Its sound rude and harsh but you can't force people to do things, until something happens and then they realize they do need help.  wishing you luck.

I read your follow-up response below.  I would just say "apparently I am mis-reading what is needed or wanted from me.  I will step back and wait for one or both of you to tell me what to do.  If you don't want me staying with you during the week and you don't feel you need a life alert...ok."

Then once a week I would call mom and make a lunch date with her.  You can pick something up and bring it to her house and have a mother daughter visit.

If during your once a week visits you notice things are falling apart and she starts declining, send your brother an email that you noticed X, Y and Z and thought he should know.

Sometimes the relationship between a mother and daughter can be strained. Mom is use to ruling the roost and all of the sudden daughter is in the hen house telling mom what to do and she doesn't like it.  However, mom does take instruction from a male (your brother) quite well.    Step back and let them have at it.

Revisiting to see what updates happened.

"I've decided not to take this personally. I've done a lot, and my best. Letting it go..."

GOOD decision!!! In the grand scheme of things, this will be better for you. As noted in my comment, stirring up the bee's nest will only bring more stings! It does help to "get it out", whether in a draft email or on paper, but once done, you should feel so much better to get that angst out! It worked for me! My anger wasn't hurting them, only me. I realized while writing these emails that anything I had to say wasn't going to change their attitudes or make anything better. It would likely just makes things worse, so got it out of my system and moved on! I'm the only one seeing to her finances and care in the facility. OB has had NO contact and YB.. no clue what he's doing!

"I am not sure if they will ever understand what I have done until they do it themselves."

In many cases this is so true. Everyone else knows best... Until they get an actual "taste" of the meal. You did mention they cared for the FIL, but his care and hers may not be on the same level. Of course, being a favorite might color her behavior, but you never know. Sometimes they lash out at whoever is the caregiver. My OB was sort of the "golden" child. Could be because he was first, could be because he didn't live close during college and after, so less contact. If she only was aware that after his last brief visit with her over 2.5 years ago he refused to go back, stating he "didn't know what to do with her"!

BOTH brothers, on learning how much MC costs (I was already aware it wasn't going to be cheap), pondered this, stating for that kind of money, they would take her in! I warned them that they really need to know what they might be taking on (she was in early dementia at that time - we were looking at facilities.) Personally, neither had a clue then or now and it would have been a disaster if either actually followed through with this idea!!!

So, let them do what they want. She moves in or stays in her place. He's "in charge", so let him be in charge. When they come crying for help, dab your eye and say nope, nothing there! I see that there is a "plan" to have you step in for OOT, but I would keep ANY assistance to the barest minimum. Sure, she's your mother, but you've already been "burned" once, why go back for more? If they need to be away in the future, let them hire someone to watch over/help her. YOU can be busy too!!! Enjoy your home, your own kids, grandkids and let them deal with this.

"Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it." One of my favorite quotes. And as long as you are doing it all, everyone else can relax and not worry. I think you have done enough. Go away for awhile and let them have the problem. I think things would just get worse if you were to go on as you have been doing. With old people, things always get worse. You need some time and distance to rest and recover and maybe think about things. You must be worn out now. You are important. You have a life too.

Caregiving is so draining and hard. I am glad to hear you can pull back from this. Please take care of yourself.

Just let it go... the aggravation of trying to help but being rebuffed is draining, isn’t it? I finally let go of my mom and understand that what’s going to happen is going to happen. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves, and your mother sounds like mine. You’re a good daughter and have done all you can. Please don’t sacrifice anymore of your life than you already have, it only gets harder from here. Best wishes..

Dear Bootsiesmom: Your situation mirrors my own. This response is a bit long, but I hope you may benefit even a bit by my experience.

My mom's never been direct (i.e., honest) with me (or her other 2 kids) about anything. I was her primary caretaker for 5 full years, in her home. I had zero physical or emotional support from either my older or younger sibs; they wouldn't respond to any of my texts or e-mails during that time, except for the designated older one to let me know they thought I was being 'hysterical' during that time about mom's ever and rapidly escalating physical and mental deterioration ("she's doing fine! I saw her last Christmas and she looked good!"), and that I 'couldn't handle it'. After the first 2 911 responses (falls and broken bones, strokes), many 24 hr. ER hospital shit (for me) and following ambulances at midnight-2:30 a.m., they never knew about the next five.

I came to learn that my mom was communicating with my older (completely emotionally and physically) absent sister--then I got the exact type of e-mail from her that you did from your brother--all the voice of reason and authority. Pure, classic gaslighting. (That's when mom's dementia/Alzheimer's began to really rev up; it was COMPLETELY out of character for her to ever talk to any of her children, except for the happy/fun holidays and obligatory b.d. parties.)

I was VERY hurt and VERY angry, naturally, just like you--any healthy person would be! I'm 65 now, and have absorbed and accepted that I was an unintended player in a dysfunctional family. Thank the stars! Turns out, I'm the most psychologically well-adjusted of all of us : )

The same time that I moved in with my mom, I'd bought a nice house in a different state far away that I rented out on VRBO. I gave the two sibs and mom 30 days notice that I was moving there, no details or explanation (there never had been in our lives). No confrontation or drama. Mom flipped out that I was taking my cats whom she'd become especially fond of; my sisters hatched some half-baked plan in a flurry of businesslike research and activity (caregiving that fit the parameters of LTHC terms), fall alerts, pressure pads if she got out of bed at night, etc. They were going to now perfect the situation and make everything o.k.! It involved hiring a part time (4 hrs. a day/5 days a week) caretaker (using the LTHC policy that I'd set up 20 years earlier for her after dad died), and my sister's young adult kid spending nights at mom's house and saving rent expenses to buy a house.

Within a year, said kid left to live with her boyfriend. Despite my sibs' ongoing dramatics about me being 'too nervous to handle' spending 21 hours a day in my mom's house, they decided that maybe mom COULD be left alone overnight and for a few hours a day (mom's PC doc and her post-op PT looked me in the eye and said NEVER leave mom alone--and the sibs strictly imposing that mandate on me). Well, they never did get the fancy pressure pad, the baby monitor, any of the 'magic solution' stuff that'd make life easier (I'd already managed the installation of all things 'aging in place' for mom's physical safety, which they never knew about. The house is now less clean, no one makes mom do her balance exercises 5 days a week for 15-20 minutes, or sees to her emotional comfort/coddling.)

Bootsiesmom, I did it, and you can, too. I am at peace with myself and my conduct. Find your strength and confidence in your intuition. Do not be bullied! Love and support, 'Davenport' : )

I believe your brother's response/solution is perfect. I understand that your feelings are hurt, as your mother appears to have chosen your brother as her caretaker, however it is a matter of her comfort and peace of mind at this time. Consider yourself blessed that you have backup to care for your mother. I am an only child and had no one to assist in this regard, so I'm looking at it from that perspective. Offer help when you can and be your mother's daughter, not her caretaker - you won't regret it. Peace!!