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My mom is so scared of getting in the shower. She will do anything to get out of a shower, including lie and say she just took one. (Lol). She whimpers and says she feels shaky. It makes her nervous.



She only showers once a week and that is only so she can wash her hair. Every day she gives herself a "whore's bath" (her words). In other words, she washes thoroughly in the bathroom sink with a washcloth. She washes all parts.



She is mobile. She can walk and make her own breakfast and lunch. She's got some dementia (undiagnosed but it's general - short term memory, some confabulation). She DOES get confused about which way is hot, which way is cold and which bottle is the shampoo bottle.



I sit in there on the toilet the whole time. I hand her the shampoo and remind her which way the hot and cold is. I hand her her towel. She has the sink and bars she holds onto to get in. It's a regular bath and we are renting in independent living. (I live with her - that's why we don't need assisted living which would be unaffordable.) Oh and she can't stand strangers. She's a highly nervous person and has even developed this nervous vocal tick (which upsets me.)



It takes an hour or so to get her shower-ready; the bathroom warm enuf with the heater and talk her into going in. If I could wash her hair in the sink I would but it's physically not possible. The sinks are too high. I got a shower extension and a seat and tried just having her sit in the seat. She yowled and howled for that too. Poor thing. It stresses her and stresses me. The only alternative that I can think of is taking her to the beauty parlor once a week to get it shampooed and set (I set it). But leaving the house freaks her out too. Not as much but she says she doesn't want to do that.



I dread Friday - Shower Day. So does she. Any suggestions appreciated. Btw, she's 103 but looks 89.

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As a professional beautician specializing in hair services for seniors, I'd recommend 2 things :
- a portable/rollable shampoo bowl. Don't want to make any promo, but here is a model I would recommend (https://www.walmart.com/ip/Costway-Pro-Portable-Shampoo-Basin-Height-Adjustable-Salon-Hair-Treatment-Bowl-Black/136958379)
- use a traveling hairstylist who can shampoo and style your mom's hair once a week. I know I offer reasonable prices and there are a one or two online platforms out there, where you can book a local hairstylist coming to you and trying to keep prices affordable.
I know this solve only the pb of the shampoo, but I know from experience it makes the shower a lot easier.
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If her hair is short and fine, a warm water saturated bath towel wrap/soak followed by a dry towel rub might be enough to rinse off the oil (?)
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https://www.rehabmart.com/product/inflatable-hair-washing-basin-47832.html
i used this for my Mom EZ Care - Inflatable Shampoo Basin for bed , my Mom like it and didnt leak
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A couple of suggestions:
1 - Invest in only a shampoo that she can also use on her body. This eliminates the "which one is shampoo" issue.
2 - Consider dry shampoos as well as shampoo caps - products that clean her hair without using the tub.
3 - Change the time of her shower/bath. Most folks with dementia are less anxious in the earlier parts of the day (before dinner). She might be "braver" in the morning.
4 - Talk with her doctor about her anxiety about water, tub, shower... She might benefit from a mild anti-anxiety medication given 1 hour before bath/shower time.
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I really feel your pain. I have been going through this for a couple years now with my 91 year old Mom who has moderate-severe dementia. I dreaded shower days too and they made me really anxious. Her deep fear of getting a shower can be really frustrating especially since she is so prone to UTI's. She use to get angry, sad, mad, refused, cry a lot and would fight it hard. She has become wheel chair bound since around April. We get her in the wheel chair and wheel her right into the walk-in shower. It takes two of us but we get it done so as someone suggested maybe hiring an aide with experience with showers would help. Having two people seemed to have calmed my Mom a little. For one thing the shower was finished faster and we both try to distract her as much as we can. I have used the no rinse shower caps as others have suggested. They work but I feel as one of the other responders do that you really need running water to get hair clean. I have read other sites that suggest candles, music, etc. Right! My Mom would have thrown them at me. I don't believe in forcing our loved ones into the shower nor a strong hand as someone suggested. We all know showers are critical and we do the best we can and if I get her in once a week I consider it a good week. Sometimes it just doesn't happen. My Mom will never tolerate a shower but my goal is to be able to give her one without tears. So I could not provide you with any answers but I thought knowing that someone else has this same problem might be a little comforting. And I wouldn't pay any attention to a couple of the answers you received. I think you are doing quite wonderful with your 103 year old precious Mom!
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My mom never took showers. She always bathed in the tub and washed her hair in the sink. Once the dementia took hold, bathing all together became an issue, although I am more concerned about her bottom getting washed than I am her hair. I have tried several things...
*I have taken her to great clips for a wash and style.
*On a nice sunny day I have her sit in a chair with a towel around her neck, ask her to lean her head back while I pour a pitcher of warm water over her hair, suds it up and then pour another pitcher of water to rinse out the shampoo.
*I have also had mom sit in the shower on one of those seats and use the hand held sprayer to wash her her hair.

I know there is a "no rinse" shampoo, but that just never appealed to me. I feel like those oils and skin cells and what not need washed away with water. LOL
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You should try to keep a shower in the weekly plan to keep her hygiene up and fend off potential UTIs. It is critically important that she shower at least once a week as a preventative. She does NOT need to wash her hair in the once a week shower. If she will let you, you can give her a “spa” shampoo in the comfort of her bed. I purchased a soft inflatable hair washing tub from Amazon. It works great. It blows up and has a little indentation for her head and neck. I put a chux and towel under it and a towel in it to help soak up water. You don’t need to use a ton of water. It has a drain but I don’t use it. I just remove it and dump it out in the bathroom. My mother is bed ridden so this is the only way I can wash her hair. She tolerates it well and likes the scalp massage. When we are done, I wrap her hair in a towel and use the Hoyer lift to bring her to her chair, where I gently blow dry her hair. Again, very soothing for her.
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You can try the dry shampoo for a while. But, at some point she will have to get wet. Yes, Mom calls them "french baths". The fear of water is often caused by dementia. Skip too many showers and they could get a UTI. that's not pleasant either. Maybe get a short vanity, like beauty parlor sink, put into the laundry room or bathroom so you can wash her hair at home? It seems like the older Mom gets the harder it is to cope with hygiene issues. maybe contact hospice care near you and ask for help or recommendations.
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She's 103 years old but looks 89. LOL.
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TakeFoxAway: Get her a seat for the shower.
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Get her a seat. Not bathing is just unacceptable, you need to start laying down the law. Trust me it starts with one seemingly mild thing and before you know it they get completely out of hand. Lots of people don’t like this but some elders and dementia people need a strong hand and even thrive with strict rules and discipline.
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Clean Life no rinse shampoo from Amazon. Saturate hair and lather up and then towel off the suds well. I’ve been using on my Moms hair twice a week for 3 years. Works great and it’s so easy.
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Your mother sounds like mine! However, she is in an assisted living place, very nice and good to her, but I still have to do a lot of the jobs that we are paying AL to do because my mother will not accept it. I am going to look into the “No Water Rinse Free Shampoo Cap" and hope that she will accept that. I don't have answers, but am very interested in helping my mom, too.
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whenlovelistens Aug 2023
I found it quite frustrating that we were paying a memory care facility over $6000 per month to take care of Mom and I had to go in to give her showers, take urine samples for UTI testing and do her laundry at least once a month, make her bed and clean the room because they were "short handed". We just found a new facility. I may be moving her in with us soon just to save some money. I don't have a lot of trust or confidence in care facilities at this time. I know there are good ones out there if you can afford to pay for the stay.
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Amazon has no rinse shampoo caps that my 90 yr old mother loves me to use on her after she couldn’t get into the shower safely anymore. Look up, “No Water Rinse Free Shampoo Cap by Nurture” you can order a pack of 6 for $21.21 or a pack of 24 (like we do) for $65.45 on the Subscribe & Save program. Mom enjoys her warm cap every 10 days or so bcuz her hair dries out if done too often & doesn’t get greasy or dirty during that time. I tried the cap out first to be safe for her & love the way they are so easy & quick to use; don’t smell & make my hair feel very clean & soft.
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I used a shampoo funnel when I washed my sister's hair. You can buy them at Sally's Beauty or online at Amazon. 
https://www.sallybeauty.com/shampoo-funnel/SBS-002157.html

I also used a sprayer hose that fit over the faucet for rinsing her hair. My sister was in her wheelchair with her back to the sink. I never had a problem washing her hair.
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Also......https://www.supportplus.com/

Look up "No Rinse Shampoo Caps"- 6 pack $29.99

That's what they gave me on one of my hospital stays.
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I ordered from Amazon a thing called inflatable hair washing basin. Basically a thing that blows up like a small inner tube and hooks around neck and has a hose to drain in sink or tub or toilet. Works pretty well. Helps to put towel around neck under the blow up part to contain drips. Person just sits in a chair and can get hair washed.
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jemfleming Aug 2023
That’s what I use. Works great!
I am able to use it in her bed. I don’t use the drain. I just carry it to the bathroom and dump it out. I use the least amount of water to do the job.
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Try Visiting Angels and request someone with dementia experience and. make an appointment with a neurologist to get her evaluated.
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I agree that it would be best to look into caregivers and aides who could bathe/wash hair. They are gentle and efficient, and it will be introducing a new person that will take the stress off of you and get your mom used to more care. That said, before I did get a caregiver aide for my mother, I found this online and it was very successful for washing her hair in the kitchen sink. You do have to make sure to keep it inflated.
Mobile Salon - Portable Inflatable Rinse Basin for Washing and Cutting Hair at Home and in Bed Without a Salon Chair (Mobile Salon) (Mobile Salon) https://a.co/d/4Qfw0Ea
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A couple of options to consider:
1. Spray bottle filled with warm water, a little shampoo, hand towels. Use these to wash her hair while sitting up. Beforehand, drape a towel around her shoulders or use a salon cape. If she objects to the spray, just use warm wet washcloths.
2. Use a no-rinse shampoo cap. Microwave for 10-15 seconds to warm it up. Take out of package. Put on cap. Massage. Remove cap. Towel dry.
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I was going to recommend trying to wash her hair in the sink until I read that you already tried this. Would it be possible for her to do it with a faucet shower extension and using the kitchen sink? It depends on the kind of faucets you have if this can be used. Here's an example. https://www.amazon.com/Portable-Sprayer-Shampoo-Handheld-Vegetables/dp/B08Z6ZFJ8S/ref=asc_df_B08Z6ZFJ8S?tag=bngsmtphsnus-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=80470624769058&hvnetw=s&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4584070152933506&psc=1.
Or could she sit by the bathtub and bend her head over the bathtub, and you pour water on her hair from a container? As a last resort there are 'dry' shampoos, for people who are bedridden.
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Perhaps it is time that you have her PCP refer her to a " Home Health" agency of your choice; these folks will send aids who are trained to assist patients with daily needs like baths, hair washing etc. It also helps the primary caregiver, you, by delegating these exhausting needed caregiver tasks to trained folks. Depending on her status she may even meet hospice admit requirements and their team will proudly with RN, Licensed Social Worker, CNA( certified nursing assistant), Chaplain, volunteer.... Do not let the word " hospice" frighten you ; hospice is about " quality of life" for patient and family. Speak with her PCP or call a home health or hospice of your choice and talk with each. Get some help in the home.
If you don't want this above , dry shampoo is something used
At your mother's age, she will continue to decline and, having professional help in the home now will greatly assist you both , now and throughout the journey ahead.
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jemfleming Aug 2023
Medicare will only pay for a home health agency if there is a medical issue requiring the assistance of home health care such as chronic illness, wound care. Etc. It is true that home health care (HHC) will furnish an aide once a week, or possibly twice, to assist with hygiene, but if the only reason for seeking HHC is assistance with showering or other hygiene, Medicare will not approve or pay for HHC. There has to be an underlying medical diagnosis that justifies HHC. Hospice requires a diagnosis that the person likely has 6 months or less to live. Perhaps she could meet that standard due to her age but it sounds like she is doing pretty well for herself. The inflatable shampoo tub works well and you don’t need to involve outsiders if you don’t want to.
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Hi. My mom has dementia, hates showers, absolutely no water to splash in/on face, and still does not like bathing very much. She too used to whimper and act like it was torture to be showered. BUT, here is my solution to hair washing and bathing.

First, get an inflatable hair basin (Amazon). Put it on bed, have mom lie down with head in basin. Have ear plugs for ears (I used what swimmers use). Next, have bucket of water for washing and rinsing. Also, have a mop bucket to collect the water when basin drains, and a towel ready to get her up. Mom LOVES this! No stress at all! I also set and style hair, but she's wearing a curly perm at the moment.

Next, bath duty. We have a walk-in bathtub. Sometimes it's still challenging, but we do get her clean. I also have to get the bathroom very warm and keep towels ready to cover her up when she says she's cold. Have her sit on towel while running warm water. Let her wash legs, private area, and you do top half of body. All this quickly. We're done when the water gets up to her bottom (that's all the water she'll let me put in). Start drying her upper body off when you start to drain the tub. Lotion arms and legs, and if she can help that's much better. Have fresh clothes ready to start dressing her as soon as she's dried off.

Finally, a clean momma and happy daughter! We do this weekly, and when needed 2x per week.

Hope this helps!

PS. There are portable, inflatable bathtubs that will fit in a large shower. Maybe have a bath chair with front legs or more in the tub that you can fill up to help her bathe, then just drain into the shower drain.
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i washed my Mrs. hair in a toasty bedroom. I used two plastic tubs, both filled with water the temperature she liked, and use one for the shampooing, and one for a final rinse, two small wash cloths, and a thick towel around her neck and shoulders, maybe two, and extra for drying.

I would prep and sit her in a chair.
then I’d start gently wetting her hair.
I would use the 1st tub to shampoo her hair, one section at a time, and rinsing it out with a washcloth. when done washing, I use the second tub for a final rinse to make sure I got all the shampoo out. And that’s it. Yes. the towels around her shoulders got quite wet but this system worked for us. Then I would blow dry it or let it free dry. You would be surprised at how good you can get at minimizing the water. Good luck.
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GAinPA Sep 2023
I like your enthusiasm. Putting a positive spin on a difficult task is a gift
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Mt aunt (94) is no longer mobile enough to get in the shower. She is pushed in a wheelchair beside the bathroom sink or kitchen once a week. Using a washcloth her head is soaped up good and rinsed with the washcloth. Works pretty good with no worries about a fall or getting cold.

In between shampoos we use a dry shampoo.
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https://www.amazon.com/No-Rinse-Shampoo-Oz-Bottle/dp/B000EHNE0M/ref=asc_df_B000EHNE0M/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309760615398&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7271031259640506722&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9007578&hvtargid=pla-569732757038&psc=1

My Mother has been bedridden for over two years. This is what we use plus the conditioner. Her hair looks amazing.
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CaringinVA Aug 2023
Thank you much for this link, Grandmaofeight! SO helpful to me right now.
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103. And how old are you? And how long can you go on with this choice to live with her and do 24/7 care? I so sympathize. But I know this is your choice and you intend to continue with it.

I will give you the method we nurses used for bedbound patients, because as we all find out at once, dry shampoos don't work. Before we get started, do consider as stylish a SHORT hair trim as you can manage. Go to youtube to learn how to do that.

Now purchase from Amazon a cheap plastic bedpan. You have your mother lay back on the bed and gentle place her head with her neck at the padded curved section of the pan. Moisten the hair all around, shampoo, rinse with warm water you have waiting in a pitcher at the bedside. Best to have the bed protected with chux for any spill over, but a normal bedpan holds a lot of water.

Patients found this soothing and comfortable once you get the trick of it all, and good luck. Wish I was there to demonstrate!
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If mom's hair is short you might be able to wash it using a baby shampoo and a wash cloth.
This would eliminate the water running over her head as well (I am guessing that upsets her as well.)
There are liquid soaps that are full body, no rinse soaps so if you do not get all the soap out of her hair it should not be a problem.

Another suggestion...or 2
does the Independent Living facility have a hairdresser? Would they make a house call?
You might also want to check with the person that does her hair, they might also agree to do a house call for a wash and set.
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TakeFoxAway Aug 2023
Hi Grandma 1954 (that's when I was born btw!)
Have you ever tried using a baby shampoo and wash cloth? That sounds like it could work.
And there ARE no rinse soaps????

Any hair dresser would still not be able to wash and set her hair here at the apartment because there isn't a sink low enough.
Appreciate your answers.
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A couple of suggestions: 1) I had a lot of problems washing my hair after a fall. Hard to use my dominant hand and was hard to hold and pour both a bottle of shampoo and then a bottle of rinse (a combo I'd used for as long as I can remember). A practical nurse came once and took me in the bathroom to lean over the tub while she washed my hair (a true angel!) She put dollops of shampoo and rinse in one of her hands at the same time and used this mixture to wash my hair. 2) Then there are spray shampoos (dry powder like substance in an aerosol can). They do work -- read the directions and they will get rid of a "oily/stringy" look & feel in the hair. Of course prices for everything are through the roof but they do sell them in drug stores. Good luck! When your hair feels dirty/yucky/itchy it's a bad feeling.
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Use the waterless shampoo and conditioner caps. They work great and you can order them on Amazon or Walmart.com.
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TakeFoxAway Aug 2023
Thanks! I will google that on Amazon and Walmart. Never heard of conditioner caps.
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