I am so angry, upset, annoyed, you name it! My husband, for those who don’t know, was kicked out of the third MC facility for barricading himself in his room when he took a female patient in with him, he striped but she was fully clothed. Police investigation was conducted and was dismissed. He didn’t touch her.
Now at the fourth place he and a female patient fondled each other and then he tried to put his penis in her mouth. Investigated and it was by mutual consent.
My problem is, yes I know he has Alzheimer’s, I am very ANGRY. The powers that be said “he is aware enough to know what he was doing, he isn’t that far gone yet.” I can’t even look at his picture. I have rotating pictures on my computer. I look at it and say “I can’t stand your face, I don’t want anything to do with you! “
Normal? Not normal? How can I get over the anger? I am not hurt that he did it just angry. The marriage wasn’t that good, married 54 years and he was an alcoholic.
Any suggestions besides seeing a therapist? I don’t want to talk to him or see him!
Don't martyr yourself to him any longer. He is in a facility where he's being cared for. If they kick him out, make him a ward of the state. Your job is done, and I don't think you need to concern yourself with having any more interactions with him.
So don't. If you have reached the point where even his picture makes you angry, NH or not, ALZ or not, it's time to end the marriage.
Even IF it was the disease that was causing this behavior, and you can logically tell yourself it's the disease, it doesn't make his behavior less hurtful to you. But I have a sneaking suspicion that this was building long, long before he was diagnosed, and his illness is now shackling you more to this marriage than anything else might, because the societal expectations are "what sort of person would divorce their spouse while that spouse is in a nursing home?!" But you don't owe an explanation to anyone; and for the people who would be rude enough to ask, your ONLY answer should be "that's really none of your business."
I hope you can find a solution that brings you peace!
Did he treat women like this?
My head is spinning with what you have described.
I would be so tempted to discuss with an Elder Care Attorney the "what if's" if you were to divorce him so you are no longer responsible for having to make decisions as to what to do when the other shoe drops.
(I might have to disagree with you in your first description when he barricaded himself in a room you say "he took a female patient with him" an investigation conducted, dropped because "he did not touch her" Well..how did he take the female patient into his room? If he touched her to get her to go into the room he in fact touched her. He may not have sexually touched her but he probably did touch her to get her into the room. (If I were a family member of that woman I would be livid that charges were dismissed)...That probably did not help you but had to get it out.
You do need to see a therapist and discuss this. You need a neutral person you can discuss things with.
You do not have to see him or talk to him. That is your decision.
If you do divorce he would be made Ward of the State if there are no family members that would want to be his Guardian.
((hugs)) I can not imagine going through this! 🙏
from what I was told he lured the fe,le to his room. How I have no idea. But within hours, police investigated, didn’t press charges and my his dad had to leave the facility immediately.
His behavior: An RN daughter-in-law of my late sister and my bro-in-law was positive my bro-in-law had frontotemporal dementia because of his personality changes. Turned out, his behavior change was due to screwed up meds. Once his meds were straightened out, his personality reverted to his normal self. He still had some dementia, but not the frontal.
I'd get his doctor involved.
Between AD and his alcoholism IMO there is no doubt that is brain is not functioning properly. Even if he has awareness, his inhibitions are compromised. This is not normal behaviour.
That would be my first approach.
My second or concurrent approach would be to get some medication/therapy for myself to deal with the emotions resulting from his behaviour and also possibly affected by 54 years of marriage to an alcoholic
I am not surprised you are deeply shocked. Please give yourself some emotional and physical distance from him. Personally I would not seek a divorce without counselling first. Be sure whatever you do that you protect yourself as well as possible financially.
Wishing you all the best in this very difficult situation. (((((((hugs)))))))
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Would there be any possibility if you two stayed married ... that he could face jail, or huge legal fines for his current or potential future actions? Or big legal bills?
What about his "victims" or "potential victims". Might any of them, or their families sue him in civil court, affecting your joint savings or joint property or businesses owned?
If so, then a legal divorce might be your safest alternative. You could always visit him, if you so desired in the future.
I'd file for divorce and make him a ward of the state.
The problem isn't solely that he had a consensual sexual encounter. It's that he was throwing vases at people and trapping women in their room.
Look, consensual encounters among people with memory issues isn't rare. It went on with SCOTUS Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's husband after O'Connor retired to help care for him. After he went to a facility, she'd go there and find him holding some other woman's hand.
She just picked up the other one. And as it turns out, O'Connor has ALZ and may be descending into that world herself.
That's not the whole reason--or I would guess the primary reason--why the OP is angry. It's because he's taken on a violent, borderline rapey persona to the outside world. The reaction from authorities or worse yet the general public would be tinged with "Why didn't YOU see it sooner and act?"
Like a poster said, there might be finances in play. Litigation, on top of the authorities and public attitude.
OP, it is time to file for legal separation to protect your assets. Do this first. After that reassess whether you will stay his POA and/or formally married.
Stay away from him for a bit until your anger subsides and you come to grips with the situation. Talk to his doctor and explain that you can't keep him in a facility because of these impulses and ask for meds.
The MC facility that mom is in keeps their apartment doors closed/locked to keep them in the general gathering room so that they will socialize and see other folks. This also helps them keep an eye on them when they are most active.
I am sorry you are experiencing this....after 54 years of being with an alcoholic, I'm sure you thought you might get some peace once he was placed. Call his doctor today and insist on meds.
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