So my father in law was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and a month later my mother in law passed away, leaving me as his nearly sole caregiver. I am told how much I am appreciated however is it wrong to think that I should occasionally be pampered?
I know I am not alone in this situation that there are many people who do this same thing. But this is my 24/7. I watch him on cameras when I am not here (we have cameras in every room) this ensures he can live alone except as he heals for the past 8 weeks I have lived with him. I get him up in the morning do his personal hygiene clean and change foley bags and site change pull ups clean up after accidents shower him do his meds take him to dr appointments take him on outings do his house chores cook his meals literally everything. And of course I am the one he takes his anger out on. I get that. His daughter comes out sometimes once a month but has had about 6 months between visits no kids at home and divorced and lives 30 miles away. Yep tons of help there. Didn’t even make it out for Christmas. His siblings tell me how grateful they are for all I do. As does my husband and my kids. But is it really unreasonable to think that maybe someone would show me? I don’t want to sound needy or unreasonable but sometimes I feel a bit used and I don’t like that feeling. And since living in for the past 8 weeks I am really beginning to have some emotional issues now what? Maybe just saying it will help. Don’t feel real comfortable saying it out loud hear. No pity party really needed I don’t think it helps anything. Thanks for listening
The family should still be grateful dad is getting excellent care. If the family can’t afford it keep track of debt and get paid from the inheritance (put a lien on it if necessary).
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I think we had a little 'family meeting' just DH and his sister and her hubby and me. When my sweet SIL started to cry b/c she felt so stressed--then it became real to me. (I was, at the same time, helping to care for my dad who had Parkinson's).
DH offered MY help, which made me a little angry, as it was not his place to do so...nevertheless I did step into daily CG so SIL could have a break. It lasted for about 8 months and he passed. He shouldn't have been living alone, but DH made the decision I would go out to his place 3xs a day to care for him.
Unless you ASK, you won't know what kind of care you can expect. And, your DH should be doing his part. Don't let him slide with that 'well, I don't know what to do' line.
You want a vacation? a LOA? to give up the job entirely? to share the job with someone else in the family,? to hire some extra help? or full time help? to get him placement in a facility?
Sounds like he could use the latter, but in that case, you need a doctor to recommend it. The family is satisfied with things as they are. They won't change anything unless you tell them they need to! And they do NEED to.
Do some research about what is available. Give them some ideas to work with. They don't know and won't give it a thought unless you press them. Try to do it without anger, but with determination. Give them some specific ideas and ask for their thoughts. Emphasize, repeatedly if you must, that change is needed.
A Dementia patient should never live alone after a certain point. Its time to place your FIL. Take the burden off of you.
And if no one does, you still go away and let the remaining family figure out his care, as you deserve time just for yourself, because being a full-time caregiver is the hardest job there is.
And don't worry, someone will step up eventually, and then when you get back you make sure that the family gets a plan in place for his care, using his money. And if money is an issue then he can apply for Medicaid.
You are on a very slippery slope and if you're not careful you will slide right off the edge to a not very pretty place, so please take care of yourself. You do matter!
I say sabbatical (leave of absence, etc) so that it may take out some of the "sting" of actually quitting. During your long sabbatical (I'm talking a year) they will have figured out his care and then you can formally quit (but do not step back in to rescue them at any time or you'll be right back to where you are now: impending burnout). Plus that would make you an Enabler.
From what you've posted it seems you are a people-pleaser, appeaser, a I-won't-rock-the-boat person, a I'll-do-anything-so-they-like-me person: aka a doormat. Only you can stop others from treating you like a doormat. Even your husband apparently likes the doormat you. As long as you're the only (and very convenient and docile) solution they won't bother finding any other.
The way to gain their true respect and appreciation is to stand up strongly for yourself. What are you afraid to lose? Right now you have very little. Absence will make their hearts grow fonder. Maybe they'll be upset when you first tell them about your leave of absence, but who cares? If you stay and enter full burnout mode *no one* will be there to rescue YOU. YOU must rescue (and defend) YOU. I wish you much clarity, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move onward and upward.
Quit being used. As of March 1 or whenever that eight weeks is, is when you go back to being like the siblings and possibly your Mister. If it's so important to them, then they can uproot their jobs and their lives to take care of him, which they won't. Otherwise he goes into a home.
Long term care of a dementia patient by one untrained, older caregiver is unsustainable.
It woukdn't be "complaining" to ask "what's the plan for dad, going forward?".
Just ask. And make sure they know that YOU aren't the plan.