I am getting anxiety attacks every time I speak to my Mum who has been in a care home for 3 weeks. How can I manage my own reaction better?

I haven't dealt with a family member who has dementia. I do know at least it's a very difficult disease and hard to deal with for the patient and family so my heart goes out to you. I don't know if this thought is helpful or not to you. But since your Mom has dementia maybe think of the other times she has gone over things and not been happy at her apartment. Like you said if she went back she probably wouldn't be happy or getting the help she needs. Although the subject has become about the care home I wonder if this might be your Mom's feeling in general because of her dementia and how she processes things. Also its a big adjustment for her and I'm sure because of the dementia it's making it harder for her to adjust and she is not liking the place more. I understand it makes you anxious and would be hard to hear whenever you call. Could you maybe mention to her things you are doing or ask her what she likes there? Did she have good food or what did she do that day? It's good she is allowing baths to be done, it means she's getting a bit more comfortable anyway. Sorry I don't have more advice but maybe that will help to think of things in that way, listen to her and try to engage about something else. I can tell you and your siblings really care for her alot ❤️

Listen to your (anxiety) body.
Do not visit.
Learn how to manage your anxiety (read, do meditations, consider medication), exercise.
It isn't good for you or your mom to be in contact with her if / when you are getting anxiety attacks. Listen to them as they are giving you important messages / information (about your own health and health needs). This is a warning to you from yourself.

Google "How to manage anxiety attacks" - I would not take the medication route initially. I would focus on other self-care such as giving yourself space / a break / from your mom and see how you do. There are triggers here - perhaps from decades ago or when you were a child.

Therapy may help for you to look at / understand how and when they occur.
And, how you feel about your mother. You might feel very differently from the behavior you are exhibiting (i.e., you are doing something you REALLY REALLY do not want to do = be around her).

Gena / Touch Matters

Very good info and answers here - but yes - this is normal and it can take months for them to adjust.

One story I will share: a friend's mother gave her grief about 'how awful' her lovely care home was every time she called or visited - for years. After Mom passed, she was in there cleaning out her room and person after person came by to tell her what joy her Mom was - how many friends she had and how active she was. Sometimes I think our parents are in a 'torture your kids' rut and can't get out of it.

You hit the nail on the head when you wrote "I really do feel for her but I am beginning to think it is not her old apartment she is longing for, but her old life and independence". Of course! Put yourself in her shoes - anyone would feel the same. It's very sad to feel like everyone you love is "gone" and you are left alone with strangers. That said - the reality is that she cannot live alone in her flat anymore and she is being cared for. Her mental clarity is clouded by dementia, and that will continue to decline over time. I'm going to go out on a limb here and advise that you tell her a white lie. That she is doing great where she is, allowing the staff to help her. This is just a temporary stay until things get better - whatever you want to insert here: "your flat is being renovated", "a few more weeks" (on a loop), anything that would appease her. These white lies are for her benefit as well as yours when it comes to anxiety. Also, let her vent and cry and then end with I'm sorry Mom, just hold on a few more weeks. It will help her feel loved and heard. I think over time she will adjust - you both will!

Call less. End all calls as soon as the drama starts. Be calm, but firm. Rehearse you exit speech to the point it comes out of your mouth as soon as you sense the shift in conversation.

Yes, she is grieving loss of control, loss of independence, change to new residence ( regardless of how nice and, a host of other grief riddled moments. You are grieving from several perspectives also.

Connect yourself with on going grief or other emotional, spiritual support services. Schedule at least 1x week sessions for a bit. Practice other self care such as massages, pedicure, exercise regularly, eat nutritionally, stay hydrated, other healthy social contacts and personal reflection, meditation, prayer and journaling time. Be sure to see your own physician for assessment physical and emotional.

Contact the facility where she is and have social services and chaplain/ pastoral support see her regularly.
Consider calling on limited basis for a bit until she has had bit more time to adjust to trusting her new surroundings.

It is not unusual at all for folks like your mother to have the guilt producing, anxiety provoking , stress inducing behaviors you describe.
If she starts this when you call,simply tell her you love her and you have to hang up and will call again. Or you can try redirecting the conversation. If it fails, kindly tell her you will call another time.

Oh gosh, big hugs.

This is normal. Even think about this sutaion for a completely normal person, at the most mild level it is being "homesick", then plus the loss of independence (or the sensation of a loss of independence). When I remember how badly I reacted to being homesick at different times in my life I realize that it is a larger sensation than we give it credit for when parents or grandparents who have needed to leave independent living end up "losing it" at some point. Yeah can blame dementia but *ANYONE* would be VERY UPSET. Logic and reason be darned. <3

Also I guess that when it is super hard for you to memorize new things, or remembering day to day is fuzzy due to one thing or another (dementia, MCI, general being-sick making it hard to focus or concentrate so, like, being brain-foggy, etc) then every day the fact that you don't remember where the cafeteria is, or how to use this new phone, or where your XYZ object ended up when you were moved, or what your new phone number is, or... etc. It's just a bit of a struggle, every day, to go through that. And if you're only a *little* forgetful.. you're going to forget the assurances that everything is fine but your brain is still generating fear chemicals.. neurochemicals for fear and stress and whatnot so the brain isn't going to forget the fear.

Again I try to imagine this sensation, and it isn't nice. She's in a new unknown place. And a week, eeek, I cried like a five year old my first week in college when I had to live on campus because I was scared, alone, anxious, etc. I wanted to go home! :D It didn't matter that I also wanted to graduate uni ;) so, that sort of homesick accompanying no longer *having a home to return to*... UGH. And then think that it renews every time she thinks of it because it is so hard to remember new stuff. Everything is staying unknown and scary. What's this noise? What's that noise? What is that light outside? Who is that person? Where is my XYZ? Did you pack ABC? Oh my god noone filed change of address!!! etc.

I wanna write more but I keep getting distracted <3 Just -- hang in there okay.? I can totally empathize with the panic/anxiety. Hibiscus/balm herb tea <3

You and your Mom are going through that transition that we all dread. Please know that your anxiety is an expected reaction, and your Moms behavior is normal for many. It sounds like your Moms Dementia has advanced to a point that she requires 24/7 care. Do not feel guilty (your siblings too) about the choice to have her placed in a care facility. It is what is needed. Keeping reading about Alzheimer’s/Dementia. Also, give yourself some time to adjust and reduce contact to once a week. She will eventually get acclimated to her environment and will feel more comfortable. She will not remember what you say to her and you will have to repeat yourself every time you talk to her. Write down what you are going to say to her and anticipate what she will say. It’s okay to tell her that you will soon visit or whatever you choose to promise. Practice what encouraging conversations you will have. Talk with your siblings about doing the same. It may make the conversation go better. Find out what activities the facility offers and encourage her to partake in those if you think that she might be interested in. Talk with the Director of Activities. Have them encourage her for many activities. I would also talk with her doctor and nurses to see if she is getting the medication for her anxiousness. Talk with your doctor about getting on medication for your anxiety, even if it is just for a time needed. I have dealt with this in my family and life. I took care of a family friend for eight years. She had bad dementia the last year and we placed her in a facility for rehab after fourth surgery in two years. We then had it transitioned to long term care through her Medicaid. (We had POA and Medical Directive on her before her decline.) She fought like a mean cat until she partly accepted her situation. She did not have any family. She always expected me to take care of her. I physically and mentally could not when the dementia progressed. Her behavior and words became too hurtful. She was in a wheelchair the last two years of her life which made her physical care difficult. I knew (after much reading) that she could not control herself. She was also an alcoholic. Before her mental decline, she would not try to eat right, but she always managed to get the wine bottle cork out of the bottle. She always expected me to do everything, when, at the time she was fully capable. I was naive at the time to dementia and her dependency on me. I know now that I can no longer be a caregiver. I am in my sixties with my own ailments. My Mother has recently expressed an interest to live with me. When needed, I will pay for someone to come into her home part time to help her, even if I have to go back to work to do it. She has always been narcissistic and toxic to to me and my sisters. If you add dementia to that, it would be a volcano. Take care of yourself and live your life without guilt. It’s called tough love with your Mom. She needs more care than you can provide without recking your health and life. She is lucky that she is able to be in a really nice facility. Many are not. I pray for your peace. Continue to educate yourself on Dementia. It will help tremendously.

I so understand what you’re going through Alison. We are in the process of moving my 97 year old mom into assisted living. I am the only daughter with three brothers who are supportive but live out of state. So I’m it. Up until four months ago mom was very independent and driving. She is in rehab now but will be going to her new home in a couple weeks. She has terrible anxiety about what the future holds for her. I do too. We have anxiety disorders anyway and this is really pushing it to the edge.
Just realize you are doing the best you can under the circumstances.
Everyone says, take care of you. What does that mean? I also have a 40 year old son with a disability that I need to make sure is ok in his group home.
I am on meds for anxiety but I have been doing yoga for many years and I find it extremely helpful. I used to go to a studio but after Covid I just do it at home with YouTube videos. Maybe give it a try. Lots of beginner free YouTube videos. I’m so sorry about your fiancé. Take care.

Alison12345: Prayers sent.

There is an app called Virtual Hope box my counselor told me about. It has breathing exercises you do along with it to calm anxiety. It really helps me. If you can afford to get a counselor it would be worth it. Some health insurance policies cover 3 sessions with a counselor 100%. You might try calling your insurance provider to ask.

You absolutely have to decrease your frequency of contact.

My Mom drove me crazy for the first few months in-care, a decent facility with lots of activities, but a few staff people who I knew to be sub-par (retired RN here and quite hard to impress). It's 90 miles distant and I was unable to visit more than 1-2 xs weekly and take her out and about. Covid restrictions were in place early on.

She was on that constant loop also and would act as though she was unable to describe what was troubling her in that moment, it would be that she's 'been stuck in her room all day' or 'lonely, without anything to do' and 'unable to go outside.' Always vague and actually feigning deeper dementia than she was then experiencing.

Because we'd always been so very close and I was guilt-ridden over not bringing her home, I believed her and got caught up in endless discussions about solutions like activities, reading, etc. It truly took me about 3 months to realize that she was manipulating me and when I'd talk to staff, I was informed specifically about the activities she'd been to, time spent in the courtyard, who she was chatting with, and etc. I called her out on it without much success (easy to pretend to forget) and hard to pin it down!

I eventually had her moved to the MC unit where she has now established some solid relationships with a few staff members. She completely denies this and of course, 2 yrs out now, her dementia is quite advanced and I can no longer gather any reliable info from her.

We still talk daily and I'm ok with the stress level, but will decrease our contact when I need to. I've another grandchild on the way.

Dementia and guilt make for a difficult dance and I do not envy your position.

I'd strongly advise that you find out exactly what your mother is doing, how she fills her time. See what you can do to get her more involved at the facility. One suggestion is to check the state laws on in-room cameras and place one to keep a closer eye on her doings.

You have to stop calling her and just tell her that it hurts you and you don't blame this hurt on her, it's jut how life is. Reduce your calls to her to once weekly, max, and speak with the social worker, nurse manager, activities director, anyone but your mom to find out what she's actually doing between calls and to check in on her. It may very well be that she's adjusting just fine (a 'good' adjustment requires 3months minimum) and her dementia has her pulling your heart strings - because she can.

Step back from the dance of dementia, that way lies madness and anxiety beyond measure.

You are emotionally drained. You don’t have to call every single day. Take a day off now and then. Get some rest or do something for yourself.

Don’t hesitate to speak with a licensed professional therapist. Your mom is grieving for her old life but we as children also grieve that our parents aren’t who they once were. Therapists specialize in healing.

Wishing you peace as you move forward during this difficult time in your caregiving journey. I am glad that you are able to find comfort in knowing that your mom is exactly where she needs to be.

This sounds so much like my mom and yes it triggered anxiety for me when I had to talk or see her.

It took forever to find a suitable nursing home and we moved her in on a Tuesday and she died on the following Thursday. She hated it but due to non compliance with exercise and dementia she became bedridden. She had to physically be transferred to her wheelchair. She wanted to go back to her apartment and could not understand there was no money to pay for more caregivers. A very sad situation.

Nothing will please your mom. It must be horrible for you living in another country. I suggest not calling everyday. Give her time to adjust to the care home and her new caregivers. You really have no options. My mom's care staff said she was so sweet but horrible to me and my sister.

If your health is an issue you need to take care of yourself so you can provide for your children.

When a person has dementia and/or narcissistic behavior, you cannot reason or use logic.

KEY BEHAVIOR FOR YOU:
- Do not argue; this feeds the negative loop.
- Learn that you must step back and learn when.
- Learn reflective listening (I hear you saying XXX) and stop. No explanations.
* The non-stop record of "I want to go home" is just that: non-stop. It is expressing frustration and fear of the unknown. And, yes, it is exhausting to hear this over and over again. This may be the time you take a break and leave for a few minutes . . .

* Managing your own anxiety, I can attest, may not be easy.
- It takes a commitment on your part.
- A 'stopping' to feel and just be --- observe what is going on inside you and acknowledge it. You do not need to do anything except be present with however you feel. I sense ANXIETY as "telling me I need to be doing something" when the opposite is true. I need to chill - stop - sit down and focus on my breath.
Somehow you want to interrupt the loop of a negative pattern of behavior. It starts with awareness. And stopping the cycle 'in flight' and knowing that you can do this. Try it. You can. And, so can I (!) Gena / Touch Matters

How about a Zoom meeting with a Geriatric Psychiatrist for you (where you live) and then a Geriatric Psychiatrist in England to discuss Mom and perhaps medications that will help her with her fears and anxiety?

Would you consider moving Mom to a facility near you? If she can afford self-pay, then you can keep the government out of her business. Not sure if Medicaid is possible for a transplanted person and if it requires a specific visa that addresses her medical needs, unless England would pick up the tab for a citizen of theirs.

Have you read about "Sundowners Syndrome? It's where the patient will turn on the charm for non-related people: on and off like a light switch. All patients are not the same, just like their relatives are not the same. It's an incurable disease that ruins a person's quality of life. What we have to do as the emotionally caring loved ones, is to learn how to cope and what medications can assuage the symptoms (including fear, anxiety, anger and frustration on their parts, as well as dealing with all the feelings and coping responses on our parts): seeking out help with caregiving and medications can make relationships better.

You said "I really do feel for her but I am beginning to think it is not her old apartment she is longing for, but her old life and independence,"

Nailed it.

Your mother sounds like mine.

My mother is 95 and lives with me and is not satisfied. She wants to go "home" which is her childhood home. She wants her mother who has been dead for 32 years.

I suppose that there are gentle spirited, sweet and contented elders out there, but I don't have one.

You and your brothers sound like lovely people and your mother is blessed to have you all being so attentive.

I feel for you. Glad you are venting. My Mom lives alone-is 79, but would/will be as your Mom is. My Mom makes up stories as is & a chronic complainer all the day long. Has always been a pain. I am her only "go to." It's exhausting.

Your sharing all you did, helps me. Your Mom is fine. YOU need to be good to YOU! I am big on daily walks & workouts. Work to tune out feeling guilty..
I was on the phone yesterday eve w/my Mom, but in store buying a bottle of wine. She had no idea.. I was laughing inside.. I was walking around the market admiring all of the beautiful Christmas decorations as she was complaining on a low volume.

I LOVVEE all the fabulous advice-support under your post here..
Though, I don't have it in me to be my Mom's 100% Caregiver (she lives 2 hrs away) & I don't have it in me to operate with ways "lealonnie1" wrote about... but I do my best: Keep convos short--share with her important national-world news. I am beyond sick & tired & bored of the same old-same old convo. I get sick of her telling me my Dad is upstairs or that my Niece and her Son are there...or she doesn't know where they are. She makes sure I hear her say this, but I talk over. She couldn't see him for 2.5 mos before he passed. She wouldn't let him pass in their home. She was a beast and he was a Saint. I tell her my Dad is in spirit form and everywhere. I tell her maybe Santa is upstairs. Maybe the elves forgot to unload the dishwasher.. When my Mom becomes more fragile we will make a change. She's too disagreeable & mean spirited.. Purgatory ..

My Mom has financial means, but never became grounded within herself. YOUR job is to carry on & be the BEST you can be for yourself & your Kids & future generations.. Hope you you feel better soon! Your health is #1! Do not let your Mom rob you of this!!! Your Kids need YOU!

Have a cup of Christmas tea & catch a nap today!

There are some great ideas on here about therapy etc for your anxiety. I do christian prayer and some tai chi type exercise stuff. If your anxiety is worry over your Mom, your Mom is doing great!!! She is adjusting quite well, it seems!! So very good job getting her in a good place and helping her through it. As miserable as it has been for you and your family, it was successful. It will only get better. It sounds like your Mom is a complainer as far as her copibg skill and this is a HUGE adjustment for her, so you csn't blame her for venting. For some people, that is what gets them through. My Mom was like that and I currently have a friend with dementia that I visit - same thing. I would listen (to a point) because as good as things are you are the one they can tell all their stresses to, and there certainly is a lot if stress for her. Just know that things are not all that bad so you don't stress on that part of it. Be a listening ear and sympathetic (I know it is a difficult time, Mom. Good job being strong and making the best of it!) Try to have empathy. I can't even imagine someone I know giving me a shower, much less someone I don't know!!! And helping me with toileting??? So have a good ear. But if she cycled, I would tell her the more you focus on everything wrong the worse you feel. I would help her to focus on the positive, asking her about the good things in her day. Sometimes you have to know what to ask about, like eating. They usually like some of the food, and it is a highlight of the day. Have you met anyone? They usually have table mates. Anything interesting happen today? And the such...

I think your daily calls are important, if they work for your schedule. For both you and her. It is great that you get the scoop from the facility, as well, so you can have peace of mind. You might think about coordinating a once a week zoom or skype call, if possible. Or facetime? Send her mail 1-2x a week. Maybe your kids can write, draw or send something. Or they can say hi on the phone to give her a lift. Have flowers or favorite goodies sent to her. Or send homemade or bought goodies yourself. Does she have friends or church members near that can visit? Volunteers? Anything that can add joy to her life.

You have your plate extremely full being a single Mom. Recruit some of the above from family. Assure your family that the facility has given good reports, regardless of your Mom's complaints and stress through this naturally tough time, and leave it at that. She is bending any ear that will listen. Encourage them to go visit or do video visits to see for themselves. Have them send mail etc.

Balance your life with something you love. You do so much for others. Daily or 1x week. I used to visit my horse 1x week to balance all week caring for my Mom. It was a reset for me.

Bless you during this tough time, as you find those peace giving solutions!

Sorry to hear about your mother. She can no longer live alone for her safety and needs to stay where she is. You may look into professional help for your anxiety for yourself and deal with your mothers situation.

I've been there myself years ago with my mother and got an LCSW to help me and also to find work when unemployed.

A visit to my mom usually began with me taking a mild tranquilizer 1/2 hr before I went to see her. Probably not the mentally healthiest way to go, but I found that if I wasn't able to let her get under my skin, we had a better 'visit'.

She wasn't in a facility, in her own apt adjacent to YB's home and she was always aware of how lucky she was to have a big family right there and some of her kids coming by at times.

She, unfortunately, was one of my worst 'triggers' for my PTSD, and so I had to manage and limit my time with her. Sounds so selfish, I know, but by the end of her life, in August, I was able to not be upset after every visit. We were on 'good enough' terms when she passed.

I had the power to visit or not. So do you. Even with dementia, you can control the amount of time spent with a LO. I found it sad, mostly, but sometimes she'd get me so wound up I would cry the whole drive home. I could, and did go 9 months or more with no contact. She didn't even notice. THAT really hurt, but it also made me aware I was simply a target to shoot at when she was angry.

I learned that I was the one in control of the relationship. Once I embraced that, fully, visits were better and I could and would walk out if she got, well, kooky is the only word that applies. I quit trying to argue with her or make any changes for her life. Only then did I have relative peace with her.

Because you remind her of her old life, it brings up those memories and she complains about missing it. I think others are correct and you should stop visiting so often. I always tell people in this situation this story: Co-worker and I chatted often about how miserable our parents were to us when we visited them. I few months later I saw her and she told me her mom had passed. When she was at her room, cleaning it out at the assisted living place, people (residents and aides) kept stopping by to tell her how fun her mom was and how many friends she had.
Keep reminding yourself you did the right thing - and all the problems you would be dealing with if she was still at home.
Finally - my doctor just had me start ashwagandha for anxiety. I started it a couple of weeks ago and it's been a real game changer.

We just finished Week 1 of my mom entering a facility. Like yours, it is a lovely and welcoming place that we were fortunate to get into so quickly. My mom feels like it’s a prison. We have ups and downs, rapidly. She vacillates between accusing me of taking her money (odd claim considering I just committed it to a very costly facility), stealing her furniture, and outright hating her to telling me how grateful she is for all the work I’m doing and how I am the best daughter in the world. Although she was the one who first said “I can’t stay here anymore”, she recently began telling me that she could have had overnight care and stayed in her apartment. I took her out yesterday and while things were nice and calm between us, I gently reminded her how she had stopped feeding herself, was losing track of her meds, hadn’t driven her car in several months, and really hadn’t left her apartment in weeks at the time I moved her. This has reminded me of the stages of grief, accelerated. We have just passed the bargaining stage and are now in the depression stage, but it’s not too bad. I can see hope, and a lot of that is focused around my helping her find a nice wardrobe unit to put in her small room and her attending more and more of the activities at the facility. I have also involved her in the cleanout of her old apartment which really slows me down but helps her finalize that portion of her life. We are getting there, slowly but surely.

The best advice people gave me is that everyone goes through this, and that the move to a facility is very difficult on everyone involved. Our parent is also coming face to face with their mortality, if not for the first time, in a way that is far more real and imminent than ever before. This is the last stop and they know it. There is no point sugar-coating or denying it. But there’s no reason it can’t be a good experience. I tell my mom that she did an amazing job for 90 years being independent, doing all her own shopping, managing her bills, hiring contractors, etc. but wouldn’t it be nice to let go of all the obligations and just enjoy life for once? Yes, it’s brutal and heartwrenching when she talks about her life being over and now it’s just a struggle to stay alive. It hurt deeply when we attended a piano concert at assisted living and I saw her quietly cry during “I’ll be Home for Christmas”. I am as supportive as possible, but don’t want to indulge her either, so am quick to remind her of why she is there and why this is best. I’ve explained in great detail what staying “at home” would look like: 5-7 caregivers coming in and out of her home all week, a long vetting process as we figured out which strangers (which they would be in the beginning) were working out and which were not, the need for meals being made every day, the weekly food shopping, and the fact that she would STILL be sitting at home every day watching tv with little interaction with others. I know she would hate this lifestyle. She does fundamentally understand all this and agree that it was time. But she is grieving, and so am I. We have to go through this.

It is so much more difficult for you being so far away. My mom is scared right now and clinging to me. I’m sure your mom is scared too, and you’re not there. That’s hard for her. But your life matters too, and you need to remember that.

They get very self-absorbed at this point and I believe it helps to put some perspective on it - we are going through this with them; we are also stressed, scared, grieving, and depressed. Find a physical outlet for yourself asap: walking, yoga, dancing, etc. It is such a healthy release of all the emotions and will help you sleep. Be kind to yourself. Find God if you don’t already have a relationship with Him. Tell your mom how hard it is for you, tell her you are hurting too. And remember that your life matters and must be nurtured too. We can only do so much for another person. And if we are not well, we can’t help anyone.

Cut back on the amount of phone calls you have with her for a while. This is for your sake and your mother's.
If her care home is saying that she's acclimating well (and there's an outside trusted person who you trust that also confirms this) then take them at their word.
It could very well be that she's doing great in her new place and enjoying life but like so many of our elderly "loved ones" will turn on the Magical Misery Tour when their adult children call or visit.
Of course she misses her old life when she was still in charge or when she was young. She also misses the people in her life who have gone. No one wants to be old. Don't expect her to get into any literature or grief therapy about losing your father. She is from a generation that did not go for that sort of thing. She also has dementia and Alzheimer's like you've said.
The next time you talk to her and she starts with the complaining and lashing out, try to distract her away from it. If that doesn't work tell her you're not interested in listening to her complaining and nonsense then end the call and try again at a different time.

Ask the staff in her facility if there are counseling services that can help her adjust to her new surroundings. What she is doing is very typical. You are correct that it is not her old apartment she is missing as much as the independence she used to have, and the time when she was more capable of caring for herself. Some people with dementia don't know they have dementia. It makes it more difficult for them to realize that they need the extra care. The only discussion you should have with her about her living arrangements is that she needs extra care at this time in her life. Visit her as often as you can - I know it is difficult when you are so far apart. It would be very difficult to oversee in-home caregivers when you are so far apart. It will be more possible for you to handle her care if she is in a facility. All the best to you both.

I have to remind myself when I feel guilty for not calling my father every day that he probably doesn’t remember that we didn’t speak yesterday. He lives alone and I try to call when his girlfriend is there because he often doesn’t answer his phone. I live 3000 miles away so I get your anxiety of being so far from your mother. You have a life of your own and you are entitled to live it. Maybe work a call schedule out with your brothers so that each of you takes a day to call her. This will limit your contact to a few times a week instead of every day. When she calls you, let it go to voicemail. I have a friend who actually got a second cell phone and number that only her mother had. On the outgoing message she recorded, “Hi Mom. I’m working right now and can’t speak but we will speak later I promise. I love you.” I thought this was a brilliant idea as she could put that phone on mute or leave it off completely until she called her mom back so she wasn’t getting phone calls at all hours.

Alison, it seems like you have two issues to address. Your mother's upset and your anxiety. Hopefully, I can make a difference on both counts.

I am sure you didn't put your mom away because you got a coupon in the mail and thought you would give it a try (like a new pizza parlor in the neighborhood). I am sure you took time to deliberate, consider and evaluate the situation to come up with the best solution for your mother. Remind yourself what those were and why the choice was smart, and create resolve for yourself around the choice.

Look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself of your love, courage, and compassion for your mom. (PRO TIP: Stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself until you can look at yourself for a full two minutes without looking away. While you are looking at yourself, look for your soul, your beauty, and your compassion. I promise you had it as a child, the mirror is waiting for you to find it again.) You can even be proud of yourself - I'm sure you had a suspicion it may not be easy for your mom at first, and you were right! (laugh now!)

I can pretty much promise you, Mom will get settled and start to see the advantages you saw when you moved her. It sounds like she already is... Be patient with her and just listen... because really... that's all she wants is someone to listen. You can ask her what she needs or missed about her flat, then ship it to her. Send her a small gift or ask the staff to bring her a special treat. You can facetime with her, send her pictures of the grandchildren, or encourage her to try a new hobby. (Try rock tumbling - seniors love it and it gives them something to look forward to and enjoy.)

And, give yourself some respite. Make up a little white lie (she did it to you - Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, pay your taxes) and let her know you won't be able to check in for a few days. Ask her if that's okay and make sure she understands. That will give her peace of mind.

Now, just breathe..... you're allowed and you deserve it!

I am not a professional, so nothing I am saying is the truth, but I would give your mom another week or so and see how it's going for her. I would bet she's adjusting and will continue to adapt. If she doesn't, talk to her doctor about a psych evaluation and a prescription for something that would make a difference in her anxiety and relaxation. She's been through a lot (more than you) and sometimes a little extra help to cope can make all the difference in the world for her. (PRO TIP: Confirm her current meds are correct and being administered properly in the new facility. A miscommunication or bad medication management could be fueling the upset and anxiety.)

I hope that made a difference. I would love to hear your feedback. ~BRAD

It's very common for the first few months to be a rough adjustment period. There's long-term work you can do to help you (have you thought about therapy to help you through this and set boundaries in this new situation?), and short-term things. Short-term is just to try to weather this storm, as things will change. You said she's starting to accept help, so that's good - her outlook is changing. And you're right: she's mourning what she's lost but can no longer do. That will also change with time. Give yourself and her that time.

Triage here is sometimes just to limit your exposure. The constant reminders and contact are panic-inducing (I get that, my pulse jumps every time my father's facility calls), so do you NEED the constant reminders? Can you cut back on contact with her and contact ABOUT her, temporarily? Maybe set boundaries with your siblings: you'll email/talk twice a week about Mom's care, rather than constant back and forth.

And set boundaries with your mom, too: you and your siblings are calling every day? If she's getting several calls each day, it would give her a lot of time to complain and think about complaining, wouldn't it, rather than time to adjust to the rhythm of the new place? Perhaps have a rotation with your siblings: one of you calls Mom each day, or even every other day. And be immune to her "you never call" complaints, even if you cut back, because sense of time is very wonky with AD/dementia - if they are advanced, she may start forgetting who she talked to that day, so it will ALWAYS seem like you "never" call. And encourage your brothers to set these boundaries, as well. Working as a unit will help one of you from getting burnt out.

Also, you're doing the right thing in setting boundaries about what you talk about: but stick to them. Tell her you don't want to talk about that, and redirect her as many times as you can stand, and if she doesn't/can't get off that "loop", then tell her, "sorry, I just can't talk about this, Mom. Either we can talk about something else, or I need to hang up." And then do it. This may or may not modify her behavior, depending on her condition, but it will protect YOU. Just because she "needs" to complain to you doesn't mean it's good for her, helpful, or right for her to do to you. She can choose to complain. You can choose to set boundaries and not listen. That's your right.

You deserve to take care of yourself. You deserve time for yourself. Make space so you can do that, and good luck.

Your Mum needs a bit of space to adjust to her new surroundings, and I’m sure she will in time. It sounds like she needs to be cared for by people who know how to care for dementia/Alzheimer’s patients.

From where I sit, you have two choices: move back to be closer to you Mum which will be hard on you and your family or stay here and learn how to cope with your anxiety. You might consider seeing a doctor. Antidepressants might help you better handle your response to this situation.

I hope you feel better soon.

I had the same issue with my Mum. She put the guilt trip on me and said she wanted to die instead of being in a care home. She has dementia, arthritis.., and was living at home but became a danger to herself and others. I felt awful and was in a deep depression. What helped me? Talking to a therapist, my GP increasing my antidepressant dose, using CBT, talking to family members and friends, and time. Now, 8 months later, I know that she is in the best place for her, I know that her outbursts are the dementia, not the mother I knew, and although she still complains bitterly, she shows up in the home's Facebook page, singing along, exercising, and generally participating.