So tired of hearing about bowel movements, having to pee constantly, thinning hair, not being able hear well, on and on and on, not being able to walk well, etc. I care but my God, it is so hard to only hear about these things.
Nothing interesting. If I try to redirect to a different topic somehow the conversation ends up being about poo again! Geeeeez, there is only so much poo I want to hear about! Enough already.
I try to read or watch tv to relax and she will sit by me and do this over and over. If I walk off and go to my room she will complain later. You'd think she would take the hint if I walk off. I'm not going to tell her that I don't want to talk about her bowel situation because it won't do any good and she will just ignore me or insult me. I think she likes if I object to something. She considers it a goal that she has achieved so I don't react as much but inside I am screaming silently. Anyone else feel this way?
poop or ,I cant poop,can you help me to poop ?? Do you have a suppository? Or I have diarrhea ! do you have pepto ? When do we eat ?I guess Im not eating today .....wheres my mother ....where is my Floss you stold my toothpaste bla bla bla Yes yes yes yes I GET IT!!!! You just made me Laugh out loud !! Thanks this is so true tooo funny!!
I recently purchased a one-level house and completely remodeled it including all new appliances, everything and moved my mom there to get her out of her crumbling house that she could no longer afford to maintain or navigate the two stories. I plan for it to be my retirement home when I sell my house to downsize as I am a widower and alone. It has more space as well and ideal for her failing health. She has literally picked the place apart, always finding something wrong. I know it's about attention but drives me bananas. Then, as in your situation, all conversations involve her health and/or herself. Or she's constantly worried about my health or my sibling's. That's about all she talks about. I know as you get older the reality of failing health does come to the forefront more often even for me but man, even after many times of me pointing out her doing this, rather than trying to let it sink in and doing a little behavior modification nothing changes ever. I've even told her in being a firm Christian believer she ought to try to be thankful for the good in her life and all that others do for her as the good book says rather than dwell on the negative. Every visit or communication is negative. It takes it's toll on others and makes them not want to come around. I feel for you, it's tough!
Indeed! You sound very sensible. They aren’t sensible in any way and it can get under my skin as well. Sad really because like you say, even with their hardships (like we all have) there is much to be thankful for.
Thanks for being so sweet.
You’re very kind to be so understanding.
Now, Aunt is ordering Cousin around like a slave and has her pay for all meals out, her personal expenses and gas. I have talked to Cousin at length about setting boundaries and limits and how to do that. She now realizes (too late) what caring for a narcissistic senior is like (no dementia, so any demands are just from her manipulative personality).
Cousin will now only go over to take her to the beauty shop and back home. Too darn bad ‘cause, if Aunt had played her cards right, Cousin would have bent over backwards for her. It’s amazing what a little concern and respect can do.
As for the “poop stories”, cut right in at the beginning with a “light bulb” moment 🙀 and ask her a question (about anything), then get up and do something else. Repeat as necessary. If she doesn’t “get it”, then just keep interrupting for any reason (OMG, I forgot to pay the water bill!, etc.) and then excuse yourself.
It’s sad, isn’t it? My husband’s grandma was like the way you describe your aunt. Very hard to deal with.
What will help??? Watching Youtube, videos by H.G.Tudor, videos tagged "Knowing the Narcissist"...or reading H.G.Tudor's website narcsite,com.....
Walking away is smart...She has presence of mind to know exactly what she is doing (shown by her reactions to you vacating the room). I'm guessing she dislikes being ignored, based on your description of her reactions to you leaving when she talks about her turds. Responding not reacting...is your goal...difficult, yet attainable.Personalities that seek reactions, want an emotional response, positive or negative...which oddly fuels their energy...
You are correct---discussion about her bowl movements will do zero "good." You cannot change anyone who enjoys provoking reactions...it's something they have done for their entire life. Best suggestion, appears below, "play some music via earphones when she talks. Just nod your head like you're listening." Earphones=-earbuds....generational thing... ear buds....best idea!!!
Yet, you will feel guilty, look for patterns if she only talks about her bowel movements in your presence.....then.... tell her you've recorded her conversations so others can hear how differently she converses with you behind closed doors. Would she dare talk to others about her reaction provoking topics?? Hugs...
Yep, it’s a personality thing. Not necessarily narcissistic but I do what I can to cope.
To answer your question, no she wouldn’t dare do these things to anyone else. Reserved just for me. She’s a sweet little old lady with them. Get my drift? Haha
Very common among the elderly.
getting older, she may be bored with only you to talk to. Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and think of a solution to the problem.
And WHY are you living with your mother and not a place of your own?
Why do you assume all of these things?
Me move out of MY HOUSE? Yeah right! Know the facts please before you speak. She lives with me since 2005!
Movie? Are you kidding? Only thing she watches is The Young and the Restless! Her soap.
Friends? No way!!! She is 93. They are dead!!!
Feeling sorry for myself? I am venting!!! Like everyone else does here!
Bored with me? I’ve offered numerous things for her to do! Plus she has Parkinson’s. She is limited in what she can do. She refuses to do things.
Expecting her to be perfect? No way, I have enormous patience with her. But there is a limit that we all have and need to vent on a forum like this.
Caregiver? I’m looking into that.
Some people have issues, long before old age but being old magnifies it greatly.
Your answer was not only inaccurate but extremely RUDE and not helpful in any way.
AND what's the first question any health care person asks about (I know it is important, but . . .)
DO you have respite care? Just getting out of the house a few hours a month helps me.
I do get out once in awhile when hubby is home. I don’t want to overburden him. He’s my rock. He is a sweetheart that I love with all my heart.
Just venting on this forum like many many others do.
The vast majority of people are terrific, smart, sensible, funny and caring.
There are a few like Bdette, (please read my reply to that rude post) who speak without a filter and know nothing about the facts. But overall I really enjoy this site. Has been a blessing to me.
Thanks for responding. Appreciate it.
Like I have time for a hobby! That’s another story. She butts into everything. No privacy with her. Just venting. And comic relief. Laugh or cry.
I hope you can hang in there😉😉😉
My mom uses the same expression, “the runs”! So funny.
I don't have a solution other than trying to change the subject which you've probably already done.
Unfortunately my situation was very similar to yours. My dad passed November 2017 and mom was lost without him. She suffered from Parkinson’s, macular degeneration, and kidney failure (dialysis 3x a week). And she loved to WANDER, oh, and that irritable bowel (constipation then diarrhea). I moved in last July and left my family at home. What i found hugely helpful was a caregiver that came in 3x a week for 2-3 hours which gave me a chance to go shopping, stop home, etc. definitely not enough time to do anything for yourself, really. But it is helpful to get out of the house. your situation is difficult at best but please take solice in your efforts. If you didn’t step up, who would have.
I miss both my parents terribly but i know in my heart I did everything humanly possible to help them, which allows me to sleep at night...no regrets! Reach out and surround yourself with those who truly understand and Hang in there!
Challenge you to old MacDonald but with a poo flair. Or poo haiku.
Ohhh yayus, a poo haiku.
Glad you get that we need to vent and the comic relief has been excellent! Really need a good laugh now and then or I would go nuts!
My joke is that my mom will outlive me!
I have a quirky sense of humor too.
I wouldn't be able to help myself, the things you've shared, your mom would be fair game to get messed with. I think turn about is fair play and if I have to feed it, there should be entertainment value.
Hugs to you, you amazing daughter.
I love it! Oh. Yeah. We have to turn it into a joke sometimes or we would go absolutely bonkers! Right? Thanks for suggestions!
Mega hugs! 💗
Unfortunately, this is the life for many seniors, like it or not.
What needs to be changed is your mind frame and sense of humor. Trust me on this. Your interpretation and outlook are the life and death of you and your charge.
Listen, and determine if something is amiss. If not, then let your sense of humor take over. Seriously, poop can be amusing in the right frame of mind. As long as it is where it belongs.
As a care giver I have found that one needs to listen first to see if there is indeed an actual problem. If it’s just the run of the mill poop talk, let your sense of humor take over and enjoy the moment, because you’ll not get another. Yet, I do understand not many are blessed with my sense of humor, but can at least give it a go.
As folks age their outlook is limited, yes it’s hard to understand yet compassion and love are all that is need here, no matter how mundane.
Think of it this way, how would you like to be treated? Each and evey one of us will be old someday, no matter what. Think of the great feelings you get from treating those who depend on you with compassion, love , trust and a huge sense of humor.
It costs nothing and the rewards are great. A caregivers frame of mind means the true life or death of the one cared for, what would you want for yourself?
God gave us a fantastic mind. How you use it and turn it on and off makes all the difference in the world. Use it well and you’ll be rewarded, let emotions rule and suffer the consequences. It’s really that simple and easy.
Dont let the poop get you down, look up and enjoy Gods blessings. He knows how you feel and what your doing and going thru, use his gifts of love, humor and compassion to enjoy each day. You are Never alone, nor are you given any burden that you can’t handle.
Poop is well poop, keep it in perspective. Live, Love, and most importantly Laugh!
Best wishes for you and your loved one. Ease up, calm down and you’ll be just fine.
Maybe music. This one particularly horrible ride to the hospital, 139 miles, I couldn’t listen to one more word so I played his favorite music, loud. It worked that time. He was happily singing up the road. I think taking care of someone we love is the hardest thing because we see them at their worst and we try to focus all on them to help them and we end up empty. What’s that quote , “it’s either time to get on with living or get on with dying.”
I sincerely hope the situation gets better for you. thanks for keeping it real.
There was also some resentment that *I* had to listen to all of the whining and complaining, whereas my 3 out-of-state brothers didn't.
She was flat out rude! Mom lives with me. She made assumptions and wasn’t helpful at all. I gave specific answers to her as to why she was off base.
Read BurnedOut’s response to her comments. She is one smart cookie!
First, when I was a kid my grandmother used to ask me every morning when we were visiting “Did you move your bowels yet?”I never knew whether I did or not. I thought she was saying “bells”! Lol
Secondly, while raising my own kids I found the book Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs, MD and Vicki Stolz, RN so helpful that I reordered it twice after giving away my own copies. I think the insights and methods the authors present apply to “children” of all ages. It is out of print now but available on AbeBooks.com. Very interesting and easy to read because of all the situations and anecdotes. I just got it off the shelf again, this time for what lies ahead with my husband’s LBD.
She isn’t eligible for hospice. She may outlive me!
I love talking about her childhood with her. So interesting how different it was. She can be charming when she isn’t obsessed with poop! Haha
She always goes back to same old stuff. Just hard to listen to a million times.
She has tremors due to Parkinson’s. Can no longer do hobbies.
That is fabulous! I love it!
After our LOs pass, we may (hey, *maybe* perhaps we should) long to experience ANYTHING from them again ... be it constant poop/pee talk, or being cursed at and blamed for all evils in the world ... EVERYTHING ... and give thanks for ALL OF IT!
BUT. While our LOs are with us ... it's normal and healthy to seek relief -- or at least, a chance to vent -- about all of the above.
HUMAN caregivers *need* relief valves. Venting is a vital one. Who among us can maintain *endless* patience 24/7 for months/years/decades?
I had a friend I went to high school with who thought of himself as an avant gard (sp?). He moved into an old two story reck right after he graduated. Every room was a different form of art. He put an old poloroid camera in the bathroom and every one who went #2 was expected to take a picture of it and pin it to the bathroom wall. This was the eighties so of course we all thought it was cool.
Does sound cool. I was an eclectic young person too!
If you read the entire post you may not have been so rude to a person that could show the best of us some virtue. She has cared for her mom in her own home, at her own expense for 14 years and counting. If anyone has a right to vent it is Needhelpwithmom.
Before saying something hurtful read the question.
Can always depend on you to have our backs! You make me smile 😊.
I appreciate it.