So tired of hearing about bowel movements, having to pee constantly, thinning hair, not being able hear well, on and on and on, not being able to walk well, etc. I care but my God, it is so hard to only hear about these things.
Nothing interesting. If I try to redirect to a different topic somehow the conversation ends up being about poo again! Geeeeez, there is only so much poo I want to hear about! Enough already.
I try to read or watch tv to relax and she will sit by me and do this over and over. If I walk off and go to my room she will complain later. You'd think she would take the hint if I walk off. I'm not going to tell her that I don't want to talk about her bowel situation because it won't do any good and she will just ignore me or insult me. I think she likes if I object to something. She considers it a goal that she has achieved so I don't react as much but inside I am screaming silently. Anyone else feel this way?
All kidding aside, I always have to remind myself that my dad’s mind is that of a 3 year old. I did raise 4 kids so that experience has helped. As with a 3 year old, boundaries must be made. I don’t hesitate to speak up and tell my dad “no potty talk at the dinner table, nobody wants to hear that” or “please, no more potty talk, let’s .....
-look at some old picture albums
-Listen to music
-go for a drive
-go get a manicure or pedicure
-pick some clothes out for tomorrow
-make a grocery list
-fold some laundry
-go out for lunch
-go for a walk or stroll
-play bingo
I get it. Totally! Just venting.
As we age we talk about what is important to us as well as relevant at the time. No longer are we experiencing "life" or "learning" new things - but what we are experiencing is the realization of our own mortality.
If your loved one is cognizant - turn off the TV! Get them interested in something you both can do - a walk, a board game/cards, reading to each other or to your Loved One, find common ground for small discussions, not lengthy as they get tired and lose interest. I know this sounds trite, but they no longer have outside interests and YOU are their world and think you are interested in them, you are, but there are limits.
And do listen to the signs their body is giving them, you want them comfortable and them sharing info is a great way for you to discern how they are feeling.
Gently find another subject. If the "bowel" subject comes up - talk about the bathroom, color of the walls, possibly redecorating with new towels, a picture, my guess is they do not know the color of the walls and getting them to talk about something else can help. But don't forget, do try to actively listen and find the root of the complaint(s) - above all make sure they are okay.
I learned as my parents aged, they were akin to a 2-3 years old and needed constant attention, supervision and reassurance they were loved and cared for. Keeping that in mind enjoy them while you have them, I miss mine terribly.
Food for thought - you will be there someday and I hope you will have someone to care and love you too, no matter what the conversation.
Like you, I am trying to be patient. It’s not easy to be old - I get it - but it’s not easy turning your home into an assisted living facility either. I know she has very little going on - and retains even less, from moment to moment... it’s not her fault. But OH MY GOD.
Just one meal without a poop report would be awesome.
Yep. We can relate. 😊
I don't think, though, that the root of the problem, we as frustrated caregivers experience, is really what our loved ones say or do, but that we feel trapped and isolated; the loss of freedom.
She has the tremor thing due to Parkinson’s. She used to do beautiful crochet, knitting, sewing, etc.
At any age, we need companionship of those we can relate with. Being isolated with just your child makes that child get all of the complaints. I am not saying you still won't here them, but it lessens the burden. And when you do get them if parents are in LTC, you can deflect by saying, "have you talked to xxxxx about that? I'll bet they can be more helpful than me."
Not a perfect solution, but it helps lessen the burden of being the complaint catcher.
He likes to tell me when hes constipated, or has the runs, like its my problem too? Smh He complains about his hearing but refuses to wear one of the 100 hearing aides he has! “I need to go to a professional” huh? A professional hearing doctor? Uhmmmm
He complains about his teeth, which he NEVER had worked on when my MIL was alive but now since he lives with us, its OUR problem. “This is too hard for my teeth” “I cant eat this because of my teeth” “You made this soft, I can eat this with my teeth” “I have trouble with my teeth” My teeth, my teeth, my teeth!! Oh my gosh, Im soooo sick of hearing about his teeth!! Everyday, day after day! The man is 87 years old, you would think he would have taken care of his teeth early in life when he had insurance and could drive. Oh thats another thing, he blames us for letting his license expire and now he says he wont pass the driving test. The man has early dementia, cant see, cant hear, and he wants to buy a car and drive!! Seriously?!
Then he watches tv before he comes to breakfast. He is like a reporter! This happened and that happened, Trump this and the police that, blah blah blah blah blah blah
As soon as I hear his door open, I run to my room! Im home all day and I my tv is off! I cant stand tv! But the informer (thats what we call him) has enough news in his head to tell you theres a new burger commercial! rme
Even when me and hubby are out alone, we talk about his dad!! I cant get a break! Im tired! Im stressed! My blood pressure is high now!
I want to hear about roses, rainbows and unicorns!
ANYTHING but elderly conversations!!
etc. It is tiring and annoying. I try to divert the conversation to something positive but she too, goes back to the same complaints. I just realize that my life is as important as my mothers and I have to set boundaries even if it hurts her feelings. The best thing we can do for ourselves, is to honor ourself and to set the stage for others to see and follow even if they get offended and don't like you because of it.
Yep, same here. Redirecting with some is useless. They will go back to same topics! Always! And get upset with us for changing the subject. Amen to everything you said!
I want a long vacation, too, but it’s not possible. So, this year I’m planning more day trips and paying my regular in-home helper to stay extended hours.
Yep, breaks are needed. Hey, just a soak in the tub after hubby gets home is nice. Mom can’t be left alone but I love museums and concerts, all sorts of things and hope that I will be able to get back to things I am interested in one day.
We must attempt to find the humor in the darnedest things. I've been so angry at times, that I've gone outside and laughed instead of cried. Aside from the neighbors getting the net for me, I felt better.
You totally get it. Thanks for responding.
Thanks for your reply. It wears us out at times, right?
I think most of us here get the point you were driving at Needs Help With Mom. Now go buy those ear plugs or put ear buds in and play lovely music.
I do listen to music in my car when I take her to the doctor. Music is healing. Really is.
A comparison (humor me): you have a friend who has heavy menses due to fibroids and she insists on getting graphic about feminine hygiene....wouldn’t you just say to your friend “thank you but that was TMI (too much information) ? It’s not meant to be mean but some folks can’t take that kind of talk.
No difference here for NTWH. Plus...she is probably most aware of everyone’s bm schedule by now anyway & is well versed on the importance of monitoring to assure regular bowel movements.
And at breakfast too? Geez....I know it can’t be helped but it doesn’t mean NTWH needs to like it or isn’t allowed to complain.
Perfect response! Thanks! 😊
Her issue is that the daily grind of listening to nothing BUT poop stories can really get a caregiver down. Ain't that the truth?
I keep her on scheduled lactulose and it's the only thing that works for her. You have to be careful with doctors too. One doctor told me to give my mom Milk of Magnesia (MOM)..I told that idiot she has kidney disease -- you NEVER give MOM or any kind of phosphate laxative with kidney insufficiency. The label will tell you so. People with kidney disease cannot get rid of the magnesium well, which will lead to lethargy and death. I had to ask for lactulose, and he gave it. Lactulose is kidney friendly, and it's not really a laxative but an indigestible sugar which accumulates fluid in the bowel which makes evacuation much easier. She has been on it for several years now. Her bowels are much easier to manage.
Actually if it cannot come out one end, stool will come out the other, that is, they will start vomiting feces out which can lodge into the lungs and kill them. This is no lie. So do not underestimate the seriousness of constipation. I keep a bowel diary, that is, I write it on the calendar including the time she went and if it was a large or small movement--when she went to ensure she never get impacted.
If you are a caregiver, I highly suggest you put your loved one (LO) in a nursing home because it is only going to get worse. It sounds like your LO is still able to communicate. Mine is not. She cannot tell me she cannot go. In fact many times I put her on the toilet she forgets how to urinate or bear down to have a bowel movement. I found a Squatty Potty very helpful, and I bought that at Amazon. but, I really think your LO is better off in a nursing home.
My brother is the one that goes overboard with politics and religion. Everyone eventually tells him to shut up.
Eveyone take care of yourselves. Humor helps. But the trenches are real. And I know it.
So true!