I am retired and have been caring for my dad since my mom died in 2019.
My mom controlled everything in their household . My younger sister had many serious health problems and lived with them. My dad never paid bills or had any knowledge about their finances.
My mom did everything for both of them until she was in the late stage of COPD. My dad was in denial that mother would pass before him. Looking back, I know I was in denial. My family didn’t talk about bad reality- they ignored it.
As my mom’s health declined, she was no longer able to control or care for the two people who needed her so much.
When mom died, everything fell to me. Since my mother did not attend to his or my sister’s health needs for two years, they were both not well. I had no idea. My dad is a tough man, but his health issues got the best of him soon after mom’s death. There was also much stress between him and my sister. He went from driving and being completely mobile, to being confined to a wheelchair.
Three months after mom’s death, my sister became physically abusive with him. I moved him in with us. My sister stayed in our family home. I live in another county. Last year, I moved my sister down here to care for her. She passed away February, 2023.
My dad is not completely immobile. With therapy, he was able to walk again 3 years ago. He can feed himself and go to the restroom. Up until this past year, he was showering ( he has a walk-in shower with a bench). He cannot manage his meds or cook for himself. So, I won’t leave him overnight. He can’t hear and refuses to wear his hearing aides. He has AFIB that is controlled by a pacemaker and meds. Doesn’t drive anymore.
He was diagnosed with age related dementia 4 years ago.
He constantly ruminates and his confabulation is astonishing.
Most recently, I can’t get him to bathe. I think he thinks he has bathed. Nor, can I make him eat his meals. He has never been a structured person with a routine. At 84, I can’t make him. I’ve tried. For every activity he mentions and I provide, he lacks some power tool or piece of machinery like a chainsaw, industrial power washer, or backhoe. He can’t accept that he can’t do those things anymore.
Since I have to yell, he thinks I’m mad. Having to yell through an entire conversation is exhausting.
I know that the inability to hear is contributing to his mental decline and I’ve tried making him wear the hearing aides. You can guess how well that went.
He is not helpless. However, at this point I don’t know what is beyond his control or just his choice.
I am very fortunate that I am retired and my situation is manageable. But, how do I stop fretting over his comfort, not feel guilty, and not be so angry at the world?
Why do you feel like you need to do it? There are other solutions for your Dad's care. I'll bet he hasn't assigned a PoA for himself. This means that eventually, in order to make an uncooperative (and ailing) senior get the care they need, "someone" needs to be their legal guardian. You can pursue this but it is not cheap, and takes some time. Or, you can contact social services for his county to discuss how they can become his legal guardian -- then they will take care of all his needs and manage all his affairs.
Now that your sister is no longer in the family home (and I'm so very sorry for her loss), is it sitting empty? Or did you move him back in?
It is perfectly ok to feel grief, but please do not feel guilty -- you've done nothing wrong. He didn't plan well for his sunset years, instead choosing to stick his head in the sand. Do not feel bad that a perfectly capable man chose this type of retirement. It's his problem, not yours. Again, do not feel guilty. Take your sorrow and channel it into finding a way to transition him into a facility so that you can reclaim your life.
Did you CAUSE this? Can you FIX this and choose not to?
No, that isn't the case, is it. So guilt is inappropriate here.
You are grieving. You are not only grieving HIS life and your Sister's, but your own, as you have now assumed responsibility in a way that has painted you into a corner.
This is not going to be easy, but the truth is that your father needs to be told you cannot and do not wish to give him care ongoing and he needs to enter in facility care.
You have made your home his home. This complicates things enormously.
Were I you I would begin by a visit to an Elder Law Attorney or a Licensed Social Worker in private practice when you acknowlege and embrace the fact that you do not wish to/cannot go on in this manner.
You are an unpaid slave to a person who didn't care for himself throughout his life.
This isn't your responsibility. You aren't god and you aren't a Saint and not everything can be fixed. You are a human being with a right to your own life. There will be tears. Your own and his. There will be anger. His for certain.
Your other choice? Continue to throw your own life on the funeral pyre.
I am so sorry. Sounds so mean and so blunt. You are already angry and you can be angry at me if you like, as well. I understand the enormous pain and burnout you must be experiencing. I don't think it will get better.
Truly believe that I want what is best for you. Your parents have had their lives. Their choices dictated much of what their end will be. That is hugely painful, but NOT YOUR FAULT.
Dementia only worsens with time as it's a progressive disease. I don't know what you have to feel guilty about, personally, but feeling angry and resentful is normal because dad's issues have taken over your life. My mother was pretty deaf too, and combined with dementia, it was horrible because she was always accusing me of screaming at her. Nevermind she was always screaming WHAT? every 2 seconds. A no-win situation for ALL concerned is what dementia is until you consider Memory Care Assisted Living as I did with mom. Her care required a team effort and that she be kept occupied all day, which is precisely what she had in MC. "Her girls" treated her beautifully and I was able to have a life of my own with my husband as well.
I suggest you pick up a copy of Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to cope with the whole situation.
https://a.co/d/3a6vtjS
Me, I could never live with my mother and not be angry and resentful. I grew up with my grandmother living with us and there was NOTHING but anger and resentment in our house, which ruined my childhood. I vowed never to have my parents live with me bc I saw firsthand what it DOES to relationships. And how it turned my mother into a bitter and ugly human being as a result.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.