I am the terrible sibling...

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I am the terrible sibling...

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It is time, long past time, to put yourself and your family FIRST.
As you wrote, your sister has an entirely different relationship with him and she can make her decisions that are right for her.

Stop being a door mat for your sister to walk all over you. Be blunt and direct with her. If she made the decision to bring him into her home, she can use an outside agency that has the resources to help her.

There is no reason for you to be involved anymore. (maybe to take your sister out once in awhile, treat for her, and let her vent to you about how hard it is to be a caregiver to your Dad.)

Your words of ........."I don't know how you do it, I could never as you know." or...God has a special place in heaven for you, sis. or I think I would have been dead by now if I took on the job you have decided to do.
I appreciate you.
I commend you.
Let her know how much you admire her. Let her know also, directly, that you are NOT available to be there for your Dad, your family, your health, and her sanity suffer too much for you to be able to do it.
Good luck to you.
PS. My older brothers thought they could take over once my mom turned 90. Make sure you NEVER give her advice on how to care for Dad. Make sure you NEVER want to make health decisions for Dad, etc. Since you will not be involved with her care, you have no right to be involved in any other decisions (especially financial). Your sister will be POA, conservator, etc.

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foxxmolder I couldn't agree more. Especially with this: "If she made the decision to bring him into her home, she can use an outside agency that has the resources to help her." It would be different if she had based her decision on your agreement to help out - but she did it on her own & now wants you to pick up a share of the responsibility SHE chose to take on. I say help w/what you can & want to when you can - and anything beyond that is her guilt-tripping you into shouldering responsibilities she chose for herself. She can't decide that you need to do any more than you feel able & comfortable to give. Good luck!

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You have answered your own question. You never had a good relationship. Why on earth would you want to get involved with his care. You have your own issues and are the breadwinner for your family. Do NOT get involved with him. Explain this all to your sister and if she does not listen to you or care what you say, well at least you told her the facts. If she does not listen and won't cooperate, just tell her NO, NO, NO....You and your family are first in this situation. Do not let her brow beat you. It may cost you a relationship with your sister but if she is so blind and stubborn and stupid and unwilling to see your side, don't worry - sometimes in life we have to move on and never look back and then we find out down the road it was the best thing we ever did.

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Disagree. No one can know all the specifics based on a post, but this person can also be wracked with Guilt later. My uncle didn't do much for my difficult father (who had teased him when they were children), although, to be fair, my father was a very decent adult brother. And I learned toward the end how much my father really cared for my wayward uncle. My uncle tried to "blow off" my father when his health & mobility were in decline. My uncle still resented him, his successful marriage & career, etc. (This also offended me, his niece, & seemed very selfish?!).. But, life happens..my father suddenly passed away, and my cousins tell me that my uncle now has found himself incredibly unsettled & ill-prepared. --> He's practically having a nervous breakdown!!-??.. It has ruined his formerly happy relationship with his serious girlfriend, so he's lacking both a home & a romantic relationship-- & all because he's facing terrible Guilt & unresolved Grief after not "getting involved" with his brother when the opportunity was there!!.. (In fact, my cousins now want to put my uncle in a home??!..That's how bad my uncle is feeling & acting about losing his only brother...) Trust me, if you have yet to resolve something with a loved one...and you're already worried about what you should do-- trust me, it can get WORSE, & become "TOO LATE" for posterity!!.. Rise Above your sore spots & please take care of it positively, within reason.. Show your Love & Care while you still can, & that You are the Bigger person!!-- That would be my heartfelt tip!!- :)

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Walk away from that abusive, manipulative situation. As a counselor, I would encourage a client, who told me what you wrote, to minimally keep writing about your experiences and during your free time, away from your family, to look at online blogs about narcissist abuse, to discern if your story followed similar experiences (in an un-billed environment in privacy, at your own pace).

And I would ask your thoughts about your anxiety,etc,specifically if you thought everything stems from your family dynamics. Toxic family systems are known to be the source of anxiety stress, depression, auto-immune issues, etc., especially within the empathic (highly feeling) member(s).

That stress is physically + mentally KILLING you.

And the fact that you want "to move or run far, far, far, away." shows that you know that your family situation is TOXIC, in levels not understood by those who have normal family dynamics.

Boundaries are needed. Boundaries have consequences. Are you in a vulnerable position? YES., will you be cut-off from everything, possibly yes; however, protecting yourself, etc. is the most important.

You've reached your maximum tolerance point, understand nothing will ever change no matter what you say or do. Explaining yourself will do ZERO. She will reach out when she needs something, conversely be prepared that she might withhold all information, and might tell you that she pulled the plug, so to speak, to shame you for not being there, even though the toxic catch-22 dynamics make it impossible for you to be there.

It's up to you, emotionally you must mourn his death now, separation will save your LIFE. Literally it will save your life.

YUCK!!!

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Wish I had your advice in my 20s. Mleach, it's a very confusing time now. Your healthy, survival brain is coming through but your damaged-from-abuse brain training has your father/sister holding you hostage. You may think it's your higher self, but it is THEM abusing your own inner sacred higher self. You've been brainwashed, and you WANT to do the right thing. Getting space for yourself and some time will help you know taking care of yourself IS taking care of them, because they would suck you dry.
Much caring to you, you are a light for all.

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Walk Away, when he’s gone if there’s any sanity left in her she’ll reach out.

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If you told your sister up front that you did not support the decision, then you are doing what you can. I'm angry at my sisters because they all encouraged me (even helped move me with the whole family showing up to help load the truck) in with my Alzheimer mom with the promise that it would be very hard but we will help you. Only to have them do an about face once I was in and saw how much help she needed. I was only asking for two evenings a week off. My sisters who lived ten blocks away wouldn't even do that. There are three of them, plus husbands and older kids in high school. Their big claim to fame was we don't have to help you cause you wanted to do it. And, they had POA and medical authority so I had all the responsibility but none of the financial control. What a nightmare. I always say if they had told me, "If you move in with mom, you are on your own." I never would have done it. But, they did not.

Sit your sister down and tell her you know she is stressed beyond measure but the situation is unsustainable. You are not available to help at the level she needs and no amount of passive aggressive anger or guilt from her is going to change your actions.

Dysfunctional families make the whole family sick when the parent gets ill. Good luck.

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Can you still get out? Can you say, "I'm done. I do not want to do this any more. I have no money nor decision making and am the last stop for all the crap"? If Mom ends up in the hospital again, can you have an exit strategy so that she can no longer come home because you won't be there? Then the sibs with POA/MPOA will have do have a different plan? You shouldn't have to do this. ;(

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Perhaps if you want to help you can offer to shop, run errands and other ancillary tasks that can give her a breather that you can do without suffering the abuse of either. You were a good daughter for your out of state care, and should remind YOURSELF of that. Your sole-provider role should not be jeopardized however. Peace.

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You will only make yourself more stressed by trying to do something that you will never be acknowledged for. Do yourself some justice and give yourself permission to concentrate on your own health and well-being. If whatever you do is never going to be enough, this is an up-hill battle of which you can never win.

Your sister is at fault here for expecting you to do what? Has she stated what she expects of you - or is she just playing the martyr? She knows you travel to earn a living. Does she expect you to quit your job?

Take a stand for yourself and understand that we’re all not in a position to be caretakers, nor are we any good at it. It’s okay. It’s more than okay if our health is affected. Believe me, I know. The stress of it almost killed me.

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No you are not terrible. Not everyone has a happy close family and while that may be sad, it is not uncommon that one or more members do not like each other. Don't let her push you into something that ruins your own family situation. Many siblings think they get to decide what other relatives need to do. Don't let yours try that with you. Decide what you will do and stick to it.

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Dear Mleach... It seems that your father has already set up those boundaries for you since from, what you wrote, he doesn't really want you around... so if he's unappreciative and abusive, why stay? Regardless of how badly you want or need his approval and love, some people just aren't worth that kind of stress. Ultimately sad it's a parent who chose to bring you in to this world but doesn't really care about you.

As for your sister, you said it- nothing you do is good enough for her, so why continue to try? I've got SILs exactly like that... and after 40 years I just don't care what they think anymore. Make the occasional visit, smile when you don't feel like it, but don't allow either of them to victimize you. And change that title from "I am the terrible sibling" to "I am the TOUGH sibling." Be tough for yourself.

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Who did your father make the power of attorney and health care advocate. If it is your sister she has the control. Now you can decide on your own level of involvement. Expect no recognition just do what you can because you want to.

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You start setting boundaries now. It is never too late. Just be consistent in what you want those boundaries to be. Write them out. How do they feel? Relieved? or stressed? If stressed, then rewrite them, change the ones that do not make you feel good. Keep rewriting them until you know exactly what you can and cannot do. Do not sacrifice your self care or family care. And most importantly, know that what your sister decides she can or cannot do has no relevance on your set of boundaries. She has her own set of boundaries (or lack thereof). You are not her, and vice versa.

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You are NOT a terrible sibling. Quite the opposite — you’re a wonderful sibling, physically filling in to give your sister relief at a very high cost to you emotionally, physically, & financially.

Such great advice here from others as to boundaries — setting them & keeping them. Also advice for ways to support HER without being around HIM. Both of those have helped me the past few years.

I have been on both sides — moving Mom in with us & realizing The Waltons it is not & hubby being upfront in expectations when his sisters decided to move their mom in with them — and both times reality is so far off the mark of what was anticipated. The best way to help your sister is to know what you will & won’t do, sticking to it. You matter just as much as she does.

Again, you’re not terrible — you’re the complete opposite of it.

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You are Doing even MORE than I am for my Own Dad as I live HOURS away and my own Sis is Piss and has to Now Care for Sad Dad. You put your Stress aside, You have Done and Will Do as Much as You can when You can. She has a Bitter Pill Because like my Own at Home Sister, Bitter Because they are stuck with a Bitter Pill in their Mouth called DAD.

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If he has no money, get him on Medicaid and either get him aides in the home to care for him or nursing home!

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If you can afford it, pay for a top-notch gardener, dog-walker or weekly cleaning service for your sister's home. Maybe a meal subscription service that sends a box with complete fixings for a great dinner once or twice a week would be appreciated. Keeping it more simple, you could order them Chinese food or whatever they like for delivery on pre-arranged nights. (If you go for meal kit, make sure it isn't from a company that makes the customer do so much prep work that the arrival of each week's meals inspires resentment or, as with the company whose name means "color of the sky + protective garment worn by cooks," dread.)

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Wonderful ideas and will really make a difference at those very moments!

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Even if your sister is Pollyanna, she has the true burden. Not to minimize yours: you should both look for help. It’s when everything is expected from one person that the sinister side of family caregiving emerges. I know; I was”it.” In my era that’s what daughters were for. Fortunately we’ve evolved as a society since then. You need to help but not at the cost of your sanity; same goes for your sister. Pool resources (including Dad’s) and get help from caregiving resources locally & online! It’s imperative for the health of all of you! Corraggio!

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As. the primary caregiver for my mom, I completely agree and empathize with you. You were upfront about how little you wanted to be involved. Caregiving is hardwork so your sister is probably now resenting her decision alot and now is grabbing at straws for help. I would sit down and have a very straightforward conversation with your sister and set some clear boundaries.
It would be nice if you validated how she is feeling in all of this but don't downplay yours. Something along the lines of

"Hey sister, it looks like some things have changed with dads condition, I think it's more than either one of us thought it would be caring for him full time. If you need help with (insert menial tasks that do not put your mental health in jeopardy here - picking up meds, sending/dropping a meal off on your off day, scheduling his doctors appointments, shopping for his toiletries while you shop for your own) I am more than happy to help with that. However, you know I have my own issues I am dealing with and I am on the edge right now so direct or extended contact with dad is not something I can commit to. I want to make sure you have the help you need though, do we need to look at some long term care options or find a volunteer companion through catholic social services to help bridge the gap?"

Again, caregiving is HARD! But you shouldn't feel forced to help especially if you told her you were against it. One of my brothers told me the exact same thing and I just know not to call him for anything about mom. The other brother promised to do certain things and he up and disappeared the day mom moved in. I think you were very clear. Just time to redefine some boundaries.

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You owe your father and sister nothing. It clearly stresses you out to have anything to do with either of them. I would stay away unless I truly wanted to have a relationship with my sister when all of this is over.
Do you value your sister? If so, tell her and then let her know the things you are willing to help with. If not, walk away. You don’t need to stress yourself out!

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THIS!

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Then move and run far, far away

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You can be supportive to her.
You can do some of the paperwork that may be necessary.
As long as she understands that you can not handle him.
When she needs a break can you help arrange Respite care? Either in the house or in a facility? Is your Dad a Veteran? If so can you get his paperwork and find out if he qualifies for any help through the VA? Depending on where and when he served he may be eligible for a little help or a LOT. And the VA is expanding what is covered and what problems constitute a "service connected disability"
This might be a GREAT help for your sister.
Again support your sister as much as possible and once in a while send her a "little something" a card, flowers, candy anything so she knows you are thinking about her and you appreciate what she is doing.

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The idea of supporting your sister is a very good one. Keep in mind however, that your sister can make decisions for herself but NOT for you. You are not obligated to do hands-on caregiving; she can if she wants to, but she has no right to make that decision for you. Especially if there is a danger of physical abuse to you. I'd suggest working out for yourself what you are willing to do, communicate it to your sister and explain that these are your boundaries, the ways you are willing to help, but she is not in charge of what you do or don't do. You are not the prisoner of her agenda. She may not like that - well, that's life. You cannot please everybody and some people you cannot please at all. What you can do is remain true to your principles and ignore the criticism. Takes practice but it does become easier with time.

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Often well-meaning children take on caregiving without knowing what they are signing up for. One can never fully imagine how physically and emotionally strenuous (and financially) draining it can be. This is what your sister did and now she's in a pickle and thrashing around because she's probably burning out with no clear path forward. True, you didn't agree to the arrangement and true, you maybe did confuse her with how you expressed your offer of "help". Maybe time for a gentle discussion about how your dad's care is overwhelming both of you and maybe it's time that he goes somewhere that can give him the best care while preserving both of your sanity. It is just not realistic for a parent to expect their children to burn themselves out caring for them. It's selfish. Is your sister his durable power of attorney? If not this also needs to get taken care of sooner rather than later.

One last question: if you are involved because there may be an inheritance (and I'm not saying this as an accusation) then maybe it's time to give up this attachment and you will be very free to walk away. Wishing you the best in a tricky situation.

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No inheritance. In fact, a funny story, he has that I owe him $ in his will which is laughable considering he paid for 3 out of 4 sisters college (but not mine). Wouldn't care if there were one. That's another part of the problem is that he has no money, blew the money he had prior to getting sick by making really stupid financial decisions (dementia starting?). I have put my foot down about contributing additional money, but it might be worth it to PAY someone else to take him to the doctor so I don't have to. :)

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you are NOT a terrible sibling. I recommend reading books on boundaries. This one helped me to feel less guilty and helped me to not believe guilt trips because it is written from a Christian perspective, why we must say no to others.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author) is a really good one. Also,

This one helped me to understand why I have trouble with boundaries given that I was raised in a home with very poor boundaries.
Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin - How to Recognize and Set Healthy Boundaries
by Anne Katherine

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thank you - I will look into both of those books!

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I have a poor relationship with my mother. Had a great one with daddy. She resented and resents to this day that he and I were close.

It comes up in conversations and comments all the time. She cannot let it go.

A few weeks ago I went to her place to tell her I have cancer, and her response was this "Well, your dad will be happy to see you". WTH? I'm NOT dying and in fact, caught this so early, I fully expect a compete cure.

Even if I was actively dying--what a thoughtless thing to say to someone.

I keep trying to have a good relationship with mother and I now have simply given up It's too stressful and depressing. She becoming forgetful and says whatever comes to her mind and it's not usually nice.

I talked this over with my YB who is pretty much as off board as he can possibly be. Told him what she'd said, etc and told him I was going 'grey rock' on her ( there's a post dedicated to that going on!) Said he ABSOLUTELY HAD TO STEP UP whether he wanted to or not. I cannot and will not do any more steppin and fetchin for her.

His response was that he felt really guilty and bad, he was always happy to let me handle the 'garbage'---but not any more. For the first and only time in my life I am putting myself first.

Whether TB contacts my 2 sisters and the brother with whom mother lives--I don't know. And I don't care.

Sometimes self preserving is being tougher than you think you can be. This is not what I want, but it's what's best.

Might be best for you to walk away, too.

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I"m so sorry for your relationship problems. I"m so blessed that at least my mother has been there and still is for me during this turmoil. I have to take better care of myself!

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I think that you need to let your sister know that you are not able to help her as often as she would like.

I would put in writing what you are willing to do, what days monthly you are willing to do them. When she throws a fit, gently remind her that you didn't agree with the plan from the 1st and you have gone above and beyond and it is not sustainable.

Give her alternative solutions, lists of agencies, lists of facilities, housekeepers and then stick to your guns. This will probably get ugly before it gets over, but no one can make another person step up and do what they want done, she is unreasonable to request that you do caregiving because she decided. Nope, sorry, you chose this path and you have to figure it out and I am not your solution.

You can do this, hopefully your sister will see that he needs professional care and it is not worth fighting with her sister.

Hugs! What a crummy position to be put in.

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Great idea and thanks for the virtual hugs. This forum / answer has been very helpful.

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Run, don’t walk away from this. Take care of you, and be sure to remind her it was HER decision to move him in. And no guilt or sorrow. He and she chose their paths..... hugs to you..

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thank you for the virtual hugs. It feels better just getting this off my chest and knowing that I'm not the worst person in the world.

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You have expressed that you never had any relationship with your father. He was, in fact, never really a father to you, other than a bad father. I for the life of me do not understand our wasting our care and love on someone, whether of our blood or not, who is clearly not worthy of it. If he was a good father to his other daughter then I am thankful for that. But he was not to you. So he is getting what he deserves, in my book, the love of the daughter who claims he was a wonderful Dad, and the NOT so much caring from the one he was NOT so good to. My question to you is to ask you why, for what earthly reason are you involved with them at all? Is there something you are wanting from him, such as saying "Gee, so sorry I missed your whole life"? Because you won't get it. Are you wanting something from your sister? Because you won't get it. You will be treated as the doormat that you have laid yourself down as. They are, in fact doing it right now. You don't need the permission of perfect strangers on this forum to do what is best for you in walking away. I would second the vote for your seeing a really good therapist to give you the courage to move away and the courage to understand that people who give you the label of "bad sibling" don't have a clue. They don't HAVE to have a clue. Only YOU have to have the deep understanding that you deserve a life, a life that neither of these two individuals will ever give to you. Your sister, or is it your 1/2 sister, made her own choice. I encourage you to make yours.

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As always, AlvaDeer, you said it perfectly!!!

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This is a difficult situation & I feel your pain with wanting to move or run far, far, far away. I think all caregivers feel that way sometimes, I know I sure do! The moon isn't far enough some days. Since you haven't had a relationship with your father for years, and you're suffering from anxiety & depression issues that are getting worse due to this particular stress, I would say step BACK and let sister-dear handle the mess SHE has gotten HERSELF into. If nothing you do is good enough anyway, what's the point in trying to help her? If she squawks at your decision, tell her you're under doctors orders to cut down on the stress in your life due to serious health issues. The end.
Best of luck!

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I agree with Leolonnie1's advice. " I would say step BACK and let sister-dear handle the mess SHE has gotten HERSELF into. "

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Have you ever done any reading about narcissists and their flying monkeys?

http://parenting.exposed/do-the-flying-monkeys-ever-see-the-psychopath-for-who-they-really-are/

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O cwillie, ive just read several of the articles you wrote about...i think a lot of us on this forum should take the time to read these, it may get uncomfortable looking at yourself in the mirror when you realize you are the scapegoated adult child!

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My first thought is whether you might consider speaking with a therapist or counselor for a session or two about this situation? It might help clarify things and help you get those boundaries in place.

My second thought is that you unintentionally confused your sister about what your role would be. You said you disagree with her plan, but would help as much you can -- and then you list all the ways you went beyond what was reasonable for your mental health, physical health, financial health etc., going along with her plan that you say you told her you disagree with.

I don't mean to be critical of you at all in this difficult situation, but your actions and words don't seem to agree and it may be confusing the heck out of your sister as well.

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Absolutely agree and am in process of getting with a counselor. Also agree that my communication skills aren't the best as I am the "queen" of avoidance and dislike conflict. I tend to hold it ALL IN until it explodes......not a great coping strategy, lol. Thank you for your reply. It helps so much just to get it out.

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I would walk away from this, you will never please her, it is all there in front of you, your sister has showed you who she is...believe her. She has made her decision to take care of him, so now, she will pay the price of doing so. Boundaries are great IF they are enforced, unfortunately most do not and that becomes calling wolf and nothing more. Move on, you do not need the stress of trying to please another.

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Thank you.

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