I've been POA for my father for almost 4 years and care manage his entire life. This includes taking care of his old house, paying all bills, managing his health care, dealing with issues with his tenants and caregivers (and finding these people/hiring/firing etc) I live in a different state. I have full time work that I can't effectively do. I have developed intense debilitating anxiety and depression dealing with all of this. I've kept him in his house all this time (he's 91 with dementia) but at great cost to myself. He is currently in a temp rehab place and absolutely miserable saying he wants to go home. I need to step down but don't see what other options I have. He has children in another country but they don't help, only tell me what to do. I am going nuts. What do I do...
She got Covid from a Caregiver (please do not hire if not tested or vaccinated).
Het Covid symptoms passed but did not help her Parkinson’s and she passed away.
So all of this is to tell you that the first person you must take care of is YOU.
i would talk to the Social Worker at the Rehab and advise all details of his situation. She should be able to help you file for SSI through Medicare and most assuredly he will receive Medicaid, which would help pay for care at a facility that has Dementia safe facilities.
I also found an Elder Care Lawyer a great aid in guiding me as a POA. They can better advise on steps to manage the house and other assets.
I would recommend that you ask for some remuneration in the form of a contract. I know this work is time consuming and takes away from all of your personal responsibilities. You have given so much of yourself that you are feeling depleted. Money is a source of energy and it should be received as well.
Just some thoughts...
I don't know how you are doing all of this from a distance. You may want to talk to a lawyer in Dads area that is well versed in Medicaid and can give you advice on his rentals. Maybe you can hire a firm to handle Dads rentals. Being a POA does not mean you have to do all the work. You can distribute it. You may want to check into Family Leave where u work. It has been mentioned here it can be taken in increments.
It sounds like he has assets (as in a home and realty) that can be sold, or put under management to fund his care.
"Dad, the doctor says this is where you need to be right now. I can no longer handle managing your properties, so either you hire a realty company or sell the rentals. You need the funds to pay for your care".
Your work load already demonstrates that your father is unaware of his lack of ability to manage his own affairs.
Consider also that you DO have options. It is your FATHER whose options are diminishing.
If your POA was drawn up by a lawyer, you can contact that person and have the Bill sent to your father, and indicate at the same time that you are doing all that you are doing, and can no longer manage.
Dad’s SAFETY is critical and YOUR SAFETY IS TOO. Start today to ignore anyone and everyone who chooses from afar to tell you what do.
What sort of dementia, and how advanced?
How far apart and how different (I mean in terms of climate, local culture etc.) are your respective states?
Alzheimers, he always knows who I am and can have coherent conversations but has little short term memory and can't do much for himself.
I'm on the east cost, he's in the midwest.
Tell your Dad either you step down, he returns to his home, and have his other children take over..... or he moves to Senior Living and you will continue overseeing his bills, and managing his health.... but the rentals need to go and so does his house.
If he bulks at these two choices, tell him up to 40% of grown children who are caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring, what would he do if you passed on?
Don't give up your life so that your Dad can continue his lifestyle with a lot of help.
It now is not what Dad wants its what he needs. He needs a AL. Does your POA give you the right to sell, then I would do it. Sell his home, his rentals. Or use the rentals to pay for his care in an AL.
I would suggest getting expert tax advice before selling the rentals. The depreciation that gives rentals a cash flow advantage, is recaptured on sale. I'm not saying not to sell, but don't let the resulting tax bill be a surprise. Installment sale might stretch out the tax bill or 1031 exchange into something with better income might help, but an an expert can tell you the advantages and disadvantages.
If it all feels too expensive, remember the likely alternative is likely state guardianship, which will not minimize expenses.
Is he safer in the facility?
He may have to do what is best for him and not what he wants.
None of us gets everything we want, especially at someone else's expense.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.
Edit: if nobody takes care of him, the state will intervene and take control of him. This may be the only way to save yourself. He doesn't get to kill you because he doesn't want to change anything. It sucks that we have to go there with our parents but, they created the situation.
Get a property management company for the rental, they earn their money dealing with everything with the house and tenants.
A care manager will help dad with his in home help and report to you. They can also deal with all of his medical appointments and transportation to and from.
This will cost him and he will probably not like having to pay for all of the services that you now do for free.
Get all of his bills online and then you just have to go online monthly and send a bank check. Most bills can be rescheduled and then you have one due date for everything.
Being POA doesn't obligate you to kill yourself to prop up his charade of independence. You matter as much in this situation as he does.