I am in a church group and they give great support. My two best friends are not much help. One is moving from Md to Wisconsin. The other is severely disabled and needs a hip replacement. So other that someone to talk to, she cannot be of any help. The other depresses me that she is moving so far away! I will miss her so very much. My husband needs help doing everyday chores of living yet he is strong and looks capable. He cannot carry on a conversation and is little to no help around the house. He needs to be guided in everything. Having no one to talk to. My confidant, my protector, my decision maker are all gone. I never know if I am making right decisions about household stuff, money problems, etc. Everyone says get help, but that takes money. I really want to lean on someone, but there is no one. My two daughters are not close, so I can't even confide in them. I don't want to sound like a whiner to them. I feel so alone!
In my area there are countless MeetUp meetings of people with a HUGE array of areas of focus from divorce, caregiving, mature, young, single, hikers, dog people, skiers, classic book lovers, photographers, vegetarians, sports enthusiasts, knitters, ... the list goes on and on.
For a small fee you can start your own MeetUp and then charge $5 to attendees for your time and the initiation cost to announce your specific group. That way you can start something specific to you and in your own neighborhood.
I completely agree with the people who say remain positive and stay happy. I wake up every morning and say to myself that "I'm lucky" three times... it makes me smile. I'm Lucky for the challenges I've been given, because they are puzzles for me to solve and lucky for all the beauty in the world. In every dark cloud there is something positive and we just have to consider it very carefully to find it.
Went to the library for book clubs and evening events. People sit around and talk and it's lovely.
Went to community school programs. The people in the classes are so nice. I have to get better at reaching out to class/meeting mates to ask the ones with similar issues if they want to meet for a cup of tea or coffee ...
I have one friend who has a zillion friends. I watch her sometimes to get good ideas on what she says to people and how interested she is in others, that makes her such a good friend. I'm introverted so I have to study how to make friends and it takes a conscious effort, but I think it's working.
As they say, focus on others and we will get the most pleasure in life. So, I'm trying to find ways to help others too, in my neighborhood, church and in my family.
Adopt a dog, if you have the time and where-with-all to care for him or her. My pup is my shadow. My best friend. He makes me walk. He introduces me to other dog owners. Then some times some of the ladies have walked with me and I'm making friends that way. I've heard interesting life stories on long walks with random other dog walkers.
Best wishes to you. Good for you that you reached out to us. When I saw your posting I had to respond, because I too have felt lonely and have had trouble making decisions without my husband and parents who had always been great to bounce ideas off of.
You are not alone. You can always come to this site to ask for advice and give advice. I hope this has been helpful. I always think if I get just one good idea, that's GREAT!
wamnanealz I feel you about the household maintenance! I've owned a home for 5 years and I'm still learning. Use the internet to research the problems you're having, and to get an idea of what repairs should cost. Get at least 2-3 estimates for everything if possible, because it varies so widely! Some people may tell you that you have to pay good $$ for quality. I have always looked for and found the rock-bottom price and have yet to regret it.
The lonely, sad, lost feelings are so familiar, too. I also have no friends or family who are helpful, but have attended a support group for families of the elderly with alzheimers/dementia. I found it helpful. Most days I just keep going and try not to let my thoughts stray into how uncared for I feel or I will REALLY start to feel sorry for myself. Talking with a therapist helps, too. Each year, I have 5 free sessions provided by work benefits. If you don't have any coverage for therapy, there may be something free or low cost provided by local community services or universities. I once had free therapy sessions with a PhD student at a local university. It benefits them as they pursue their degrees, so it's a win-win.
I'm sorry that your friend is moving so far away. That seems to be the last straw for you since you could confide in her.
Many communities have a senior commission though it may have a different name. They provide ways for seniors to make friends and have outings. Often you can get some good advice there, as well. As mentioned, your Agency on Aging may be able to help.
I know you told your husband you would never put him in a nursing home, but the time may come when you must. If that happens, don't feel guilty. You have already honored the spirit of your promise by providing care this long.
For house problems, Angie's list does sound like a good idea. I haven't used it but I've heard good things about it.
For legal advice, you can see if your State's Attorney's office has some pro bono help (free).
For company, other than church and your senior commission, the Well Spouse Organization helps many with online friendship. The WSA can be found at wellspouse.org.
I hope that you will keep checking back at Agingcare for friendship and tips, as well. Let us know how you are doing.
Carol
Often, a clergyperson can intercede in getting persons to help you as unpaid volunteers. Good Luck! Gene
Laughing also helps. Watch funny movies. As an aside, I write a comedy blog for caregivers called "you just have to laugh...." website: cathysikorski
You are welcome to read for a chuckle! Best regards.
I am so sorry to here how alone you feel. I can relate somewhat because I am a single girl who has been taking care of a disabled mother all alone for the last 4 years. I purchased a house so she could stay with me, having no idea how expensive, time consuming and overwhelming it could be. My health started to deteriorate to the point where i have been unable to work for 6 months (and I'm only 35 years old). With all the pressure and months of counseling, I decided (very reluctantly) to let go. I am not sure how old you are or your whole situation, but for me, it made the most sense to move my mom into independent living. (she's moving in two weeks). The idea the meals made and not worrying about any maintenance has lifted an elephant lift off my chest. If you are able to afford independent living, it's worth it for peace of mind. Also, you will have a lot of companionship. All pluses to me. I hope this helps :)
Water damage is a particularly sore spot when it comes to huge expenses. It will be worth your money to get on Angie's List and pick out the best company. My fingers are crossed that you had flood insurance. The costs are huge.
You are in a position that many women find themselves in. Men traditionally take care of maintenance tasks, leaving the rest of the family without a clue. Just think of it as a new adventure of learning things. You're going to make some mistakes, because you're human. I just hope none of the mistakes are too costly... or they are covered by insurance.
As for the loneliness -- I think we're mostly all lonely. There is nothing like a sickness in the family to make everyone stay away. My mother had two friends and a family of 6 plus inlaws. Now I'm the only person she has. Everyone else is too busy, too far away, or just absent. If I want company I have to go out to find it or call them on the phone. I also come here and it makes me feel not so alone. I'm grateful for AgingCare.
id personally rub your feet , beat your m**t, clean your fingernails, light your smokes, laugh at jokes, lay you down some rails..
i get lost on david allen coe lyrics sometimes.