I have been struggling watching my mom (90) age. She has a myriad of issues (HBP, Parkinsons, Gout). How do I rid myself of this anxiety?

I watched my dad deteriorate like this too and I prayed about it and would read the Bible quite a bit. I can see why you feel anxious because you have to watch her closer than ever before. Do you have someone else to watch and take care of your mother when she is gone so you can have more of a break? I looked back over the good times that Dad had and then realized he wouldn't want to go on forever like this.

I strongly suggest you consider seeing a therapist, as soon as possible. I see a Christian-based therapist that specialuzes in elder care. That is what works for me. They help by talking you through your emotions and offering coping skills. A low dose medication can be prescribed to help with your anxiety while utilizing the coping skills they will privide you with. Seeing a therapist at least monthly, if not more, can really help manage sadness, anxiety, depression, guilt, etc. You do need time for yourself; even if that means skipping a day to see your loved one for your own self care, mental and physical health. Sometimes it means not answering the phone for a few hours, taking a walk, doing a puzzle, taking a bath, going out for a meal, scheduling a salon appointment, gardening - whatever things may help you relax. Taking good care of yourself means taking better care of your loved one; a therapist will be trained and versed in helping to guide you through this. I wish you all the best.

I was in your situation, Janine... an only child with no support caring for my elderly parents. There were times that I didn't think I could make it (I was working at the time) but I always said a prayer every morning that I would get through the day ( and I did get through the day!)
The best advice I can give is to try to take time for yourself...go on walks, read a good book, watch public TV, see a funny movie. Also seek out a caregiving support group.

Boy this was a great question! I think I'm like you.. a planner. I try to be proactive and anticipate what will come next. At times, this was very helpful because things can change quickly and it's nice not to have to stress about a decision in the middle of a crisis.. Also, I am extremely lucky that I'm retired and have a retired, helpful husband and that we are both "project manager types".

The link you posted is so real to me. Some things I fixed lasted only 2 or 3 weeks and involved a huge amount of time and expense (dad's cost). He enjoyed them and was grateful but then I needed new fixes for the next stage. It has occupied my thoughts pretty much non-stop for months now (which is better than years). The one thing I know is that when he dies I want to KNOW I did my very best. I don't mean that I was the very best caregiver in the world (I'm not a "nursey" type) but I certainly took care of every issue and made sure he had the best care.

What all this busy-ness did is keep me in denial that I couldn't fix dad and I am only now beginning to experience the grief of losing him. I need to work on how I'm going to cope when he goes. Yes, I have been grateful for the one on one time we've had this past year and we've enjoyed each other. I think that is only going to make it sadder when he goes though.

I'm not 100% "present" for anyone else in my life and my friendships are suffering as well. People understand but this could create some fallout if I don't take care of it. And my health as well. I'm going to try to spend an hour a day on "me-stuff" which includes my friends and other family and getting out into the world (post Covid).

No - you can’t fix old. Truly we are all just buying time. I find that l have to “turn it over” to my higher power.
l have to reaffirm that she is still in God’s care. That she always has been. And so am l.

Gosh, when you find the answer to rid yourself of anxiety, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I too am an only child. I do not have children. I am retired as of two years ago, and frankly, since moving in with my mother (mistake in many ways) my mental health coupled with the pandemic has taken a toll.
I take Lorazepam daily right now, which helps, but does not take the anxiety away. It is an anxious situation and I have done everything; Lorazepam, therapy, hiking 7 miles every other day, etc.
I feel guilty constantly. About every little conflict she and I have.
I wish the best for you, for whatever this does.

With time and experience, one begins to grasp the concept of how little we really can control. It's not easy. So little in life is really predictable. And you must also realize seeing someone age with health issues doesn't mean you will. I hope you can enjoy this summertime off.

Although you can't do much other than see a doctor for anxiety medication, the best thing ever is to spend as much time with her as possible. Spend time asking her about her life growing up. She'll enjoy telling you all about it, and you'll feel good knowing she's happy......

First of all God bless your mother 🙏🙏 90 years . That’s great ! As our parents grow older of course we know they are going to have health issues . All we can do is try and influence them to exercise eat healthy maybe try juicing . I would put up with anything to have my mother, father , sisters, brother, daughter back . But their gone. I realize it’s very stressful
I am 24/7 caregiver fir my husband who has Dementia and Parkinson’s also a 9.8 aorta aneurism bad kidneys , he’s in diapers can no longer get out of bed blind in one eye now loosing the site in the other one . He doesn’t know anyone other then me not his kids or grand kids .
so I can write a book on anxiety and depression. There’s been times when I didn’t want to get out of bed myself just lay there next to him and sleep through
the day . But I have no choice I have to get up , bath ,shave, change his diapers, feed cut his hair, do laundry and house work , pay bills , make every decision all by myself ,it’s only me. And it’s so hard on me . But again , I can’t just quit
my husband is at home with me and can no longer even stand or get out of bed .you at least get a chance to breath . Try sitting your self down , take a deep breath , and get a tablet write down things you are grateful for . Don’t leave anything out no matter how
small . Then write what upsets you , why are you anxious , why are you feeling guilty? Why aren’t you happy ? You
realize your mother is being cared for she’s safe , I’m sure a nice place to live where she can socialize with other woman there . she’s close by so you can visit any time your off work.
What if she didn’t have Ins or funds to live in a retirement community . Would she be there with you ? Now that would be real anxiety ! Who would watch
and care for her while you work? You would have no family privacy for your daughters , mom would always be there .
you would have to take on all her personal care Baths, hair , teeth feedings . It’s clear you love your mother and want the best for her . But putting such a guilt trip on your self isn’t fair to you or your family. You could end up hurting your own health . Stress is horrible , it clouds your thinking , causes you to turn away from those you love . Don’t put your own daughters through that . Show your mother you love her by visiting with your daughters , take her cards , give her a new night gown just small gifts or have the girls draw her a picture or hand make anything for her.
believe me when I say you have a lot to be grateful for . I hope you believe in Jesus ! Pray to him for guidance in this matter . God is always ready to listen I would not be able to cope with out Gods help. Give him praise each morning tell him how grateful you are for all he’s done in your life. Begin each morning and end each night in prayer . Through faith in the Lord there’s nothing that can’t be fixed .
I just started using this site myself.
I pray you get the help you need . I don’t think your mother would want you feeling so anxious over her . As a mother , grand mother and great grandmother I would never want any of my children stressing over me . I’ve made decisions in my own life that caused some Heath problems . I’ve had many neck and back surgeries I’m in constant pain but no way should my family feel guilty or stressed over it. I want them happy with their own families . I hope I’ve said something that helps you . God be with you dear . I pray you find the answers you need 🙏🙏🙏

Dear Janine,
I totally understand what you are dealing with, and really had a difficult time seeing my parents struggle with their health issues. I relied a great deal on the promises of God. The Bible says in 1 Peter 5:7 that we should “cast all our anxieties on the Lord because He cares for us.” He created all of us and He knows exactly what your mom needs and He will provide for your mom! He promises us in Matthew 28:26, “I am with you always, even unto the end of the age.” He also commands us not to be afraid because He is with us. In Isaiah 41, He commands us and attaches His promises to His commands:
“Do not fear, for I am with you,
do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”
Our lives and our times are in His powerful hands, if only we believe and receive His gift of salvation and forgiveness through His Son Jesus’ death on the Cross. It is through Him, that we will also receive the strength and perseverance to continue on these difficult journeys with our families. I hope this encourages you!! Many blessings to you and many thanks to you for loving and caring for your mom! As you seek what is best for her, I pray that He would give you His wisdom to know the right decisions to make and that He would give you encouragement as you walk this road!

Imho, this, too, was my late mother who demanded to live alone in another state 7 states from mine. Prayers sent to you as it's difficult.

I have been there, it is not easy dealing with aging parents or spouse. What helped my the most is the support group at the local Council on Aging. The group is supportive and I can discuss my personal issues without judgement as most are going through the same situations. My group is all ages and situations and has some educational groups sponsored by the Alzheimer's Association (ALZ.org). It is important that you understand what your loved one is going through and know what you can and can't do to help, Then you need to do some deep breathing exercises and relaxing movements to release the tension in your body.

Hope this helps and you can relax a little.

hi there! I am an only child as well and I had my mom come live with me but avoiding the nursing home didn't really change much about my need to try and fix the situation. She has now passed at 93 and is in a peaceful place. Many things were not in my control and old age is not easy, so many things went wrong but overall there is the hope that mom knew I loved her and tried to help. I wish I could go back to worry less and enjoy her more. I truly believe that your mother wouldn't want you to stress even if she expresses her own dismay. Teepa Snow's video called the Gems (different stages of aging and dementia) really helped me. It's free on youtube.

Like Susanonlyone I feel responsible for my dad's happiness. I feel anxious because I know he never thought he would live this long (95) & and end up living in MC. IO feel so bad for him. He does not participate in activities; can't see or hear well at all, but he is close by & I visit him twice a week. I want him to have a better quality of life but there's not much anyone can do. Some of this is guilt, but I know I haven't done anything wrong. I know RATIONALLY that there's nothing I can do about aging, but EMOTIONALLY I guess I think there is. My anxiety also stems from trying to come up with a plan of action for every contingency: if X happens, then this is what I'll do. If Y happens, this is what I'll do. Consequently, I work myself into a frenzy which is exhausting & helps no one.

My brother & husband are very reassuring and helpful, as are the posts on this forum. Without all of these resources, things would be a LOT worse so thanks!

I think most of us caregivers call relate to feeling anxiety. There is so much uncertainty and stress with caregiving that.... anxiety is almost an automatic reaction.

Here are a few things that have helped me manage my anxiety more:

1. PAUSE & BREATHE to calm the brain to be less reactive. I have made early mistakes by being too quick to react because I couldn't sit with the uncomfortable feeling of anxiety. I am getting more comfortable with the not knowing. Taking time to pause and remembering "I can handle hard things".

2. TAKE AN HONEST LOOK AT "WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL" so you can take small steps to feel less overwhelmed about it. For me, taking well thought out action helps to calm down my anxiety vs. keeping it rolling around in my head.

3. Simple concept but hard to adopt....RADICAL ACCEPTANCE of what you can not change. My mother has Alzheimer's Disease. It's been a perpetual process of loss and having to accept very tough things. By accepting "what is", I have been able to reduce my suffering. Like I said, easier said than done. I am a work in progress, but it definitely has gotten better with time.

So many great suggestions here on this forum. Good for you coming here to ask for help. Be gentle with yourself.

I feel for you Janine. I lost both my parents last year (they both lived with me and my husband)My mom to COVID(11 weeks in the hospital) and my Dad to heart issues. It was really hard over the years to see them decline. My mom was my best friend. I was thankful she (neither one) had to go in a home, but at the same time, I hated her being in a hospital and we couldn't even visit. Anyways, prayer has definitely helped to keep me out of the looney bin and I have one really good friend (besides my husband) that I can talk to and understands-which has helped tremendously. Also, the verse "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God; and the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."-Philippians 4:6-7

I have been caring for my mom over 21 years in her home. She has many health problems but she has some good days as well. Yesterday she had a wonderful day, happy and no discomfort. Enjoy the days that are good and try not to think about what is coming and do not dwell on the past it is over and done with. Easier said than done I know. Today my mother is sick to her stomach and has been in bed all day. I know exactly how you are feeling. One day good and the next another problem. I try not to get discouraged although that can be difficult at times. I hope the next day will be a better one. I learned over the years to take a day at a time, enjoy today, rely on my faith and live in the moment. I could drive myself crazy if I worried every minute with my moms health problems and believe me it is easy to do. I was afraid of losing her many times and I would actually get nauseous, sad, but I learned it is about her not me. The stress of it all can make one unhealthy. I learned to say no to everyone else. I am the one everyone relies on, family, my cousin and so on. I finally put my foot down and now it is less stressful and I have more energy to take care of my mother. I pray, walk, sit in the backyard for a few minutes, listen to classical music, have a cup pf tea, and sometimes just sit silently thinking of the good memories I share with my mother. I know my mother is 98 and I love her dearly and I hate to lose her, but she has so many struggles and it is so sad to watch. I sometimes cry myself to sleep. I do not want her to suffer and when God takes her home I will welcome it for I know she will no longer be suffering and will finally be at peace like she should be. I am not looking forward to that day for I will lose my very best and dearest friend. I hope I will be strong like the good caregivers on this forum and rely on the Lord for comfort. Prayers sent to you and your mother.

As MHillwt says below:
1. Run daily
2. Eat Well
3. Drink lots of water
4. Prayer and Meditation......there is no easy solution.....

While you may not be a runner, exercise, move, stretech.
Move # 4 to # 1 spot: prayer and meditation.

Understand that (some of your) anxiety likely comes from not wanting to accept what is, and feeling grief/sadness. Understandably we want to push these feelings away although they do not go away, they come out in other ways (i.e., addictive behaviors, depression, anxiety, etc.)

I'd encourage you to start with conscious awareness and intention to:
1. be present; return to the present moment by moment. Observe colors, feelings, everything around you.
2. Do not 'try to' change how you feel / react to #1, the healing benefit is being aware without judgment or feeling you need to 'do anything' -
3. Start a gratitude list / journal. Find 1-2-3 or 5-10 "what you feel gratitude about" - even it if is hard to come up with anything. Once you get your mind around this concept, you will start to automatically 'look' for these things (positive qualities, or 'things' around that shift your feelings to neutral-positive.) If nothing comes to mind, look at a color of something, buy yourself a flower or two. Get a manicure.
4. We must train our selves to shift our 'patterns of behavior / thinking' - the more you do it, the easier it will work and become the new automatic behavior and response to what is.
5. Accept that life is both the yin and yang, the dark and the light. Be in both as you need to. Accept feelings (with curiosity). Do not push them away, even the anxiety. Be with it, with compassion, talk to it (this is Focusing; a skill I learned decades ago) * * * Gena

Yep, me too, right up until my mom died. Some days I would be going to visit her and dreading what I would find. It didn't help that my mom's health went up and down on a daily basis, and I never knew if a downturn was a new normal, the beginning of a slide, or a temporary issue.
I could never get away from it, but I could hold the anxiety off by wearing "other hats". I watch my pre-school granddaughter 4 days a week, and her sister and cousins at various other times. I volunteer at church. Vacations helped too, since I trusted her situation.

Rather than focus on the next bad thing that might happen, try to look at each day with "fresh eyes" and deal with the day as it evolves. It sounds like your mother is in a safe place and very close by.

You cannot prevent "the next bad thing" by worrying about it. If there is a new development, you and doctor and any care takers will address the new issue.

It is sad to watch our parents age and decline. They used to be our protectors in this world and now they are fading away and we feel left "out there" to fend for ourselves.

Enjoy the easy and "good" days and do what's needed on the bad days.

Juse have to accept the fact that we all die and there's a time for everything.
Sad it is but just keep visiting and put on a happy face, even tho it is depressing.
Praters your mom is in no pain because that just makes it worse.
I have a Dad 97 yrs old with Dementia and has a Cathiter and now monthly UTI's.
I pray that my Dad stops getting the urinary track infections because he's gone thru all the antibiotics that can help him and his body is now use to them and most do nothing to help him.

So, I now pray that God will just let him die in his sleep before going thru severe pain from kidneys non functioning.
I know he's lived a long and full life and he use to say he's going to live to be a 100 and that would be great as long as he's not in a lot of pain.

Prayers

Dear Jeanine, it sounds like you are waiting for the next shoe to drop. It is a sign of your hyperviligence which produces anxiety. The good news is that your mom lives on a retirement center. Do they have progressive stages of care as your mother would need?

Time now to take a deep breath. You have done your best and all that you can do. Does your anxiety come from a place that you have not done enough or from a place you are fearful of her dying and want to consciously or unconsciously prevent this? Who do you have that you can talk to, your spouse, a friend, a clergy person, her doctor or social worker Tell them your story -you need to be heard. You don’t want advice, just to be listened to.
Each time you feel anxious, remind yourself these are old tapes and you now are focusing on all the good you have done. You no longer have to live up to these false expectations. Blessings

Dr. Edward Smink - Soul of Caregiving

I understand how you are feeling. Your situation is somewhat similar to what I was dealing with with my mother until she died last September at age 85. She was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 2011 and had to go into AL in 2013. I live a plane ride away and it was the only realistic option. I felt both guilty and relieved that she would be getting the care I couldn't give her. But I felt anxiety every time I would get a call from her place, if she had fallen or some other medical issue arose. I had to tell myself that I was doing the best I could for her. I know it can be difficult at times but try to look at the positives in your situation. You are so lucky that she is only three minutes away so that she can see you and your family regularly (hopefully, now that COVID is declining in many places). I wished that I had been in a position to move my mother closer to me, Because of COVID I did not get to see her for nine months, and I believe the isolation for residents at her place accelerated her decline. I only got to visit her near the end because she was in hospice. Don't be hard on yourself. It sounds like you're doing the best you can under the circumstances.

I agree with Mhillwt, take care of yourself extravagantly.

Exercise covers a multitude of problems. If nothing else, you sleep better!

good luck!

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression since I was 30...im now 60 and its obviously now worse as a caregiver. My mom is also 90 and i lived in Manhattan until my 90 yr old dad got sick 3 yrs ago....couldnt leave mom alone .....i spent 2 months visiting dad in hospital and rehab and then he died and mom went south.....she has High BP, Heart Failure, Diabetes, EDEMA, etc ...recently all her meds are not working well...she is swelling from the heart failure, sugar is so high it needs 6 pills to control and still too high and bp some mornings is 200....since dad got sick, i have been staying here with mom and not my apt.....last march 2020, we all came down with covid in NYC - one night mom couldnt breathe and called out for my brother(he has been here as well on some days) and I saw mom so ill that i fainted and hit my head hard on the toilet bowl - concussion followed by vertigo, vomiting, etc - mom was carted off to hospital and i was left crawling to bed. She survived her hospital stay and then recuperated at home - i was up 24/.7 with her during that 4 weeks of home recuperation - she was still very ill .....fast forward to feb 2020 - night of 2nd pfizer shot, mom got very ill in middle of night (again) and called out - and i fainted again - this time needing to be hospitalized for 5 broken ribs and a collapsed lung.....other than these 2 events, im moms 24/7 caregiver and am able to do her vitals every morning, clean the house, make and serve meals, take her to all drs appts, do all her meds....but the anxiety of seeing her decline effects me emotionally and physically and I faint BUT I have been having these fainting episodes since I was a teen. Anxiety is no joke....what i do to make things better 1. Run daily, 2. Eat Well 3. Drink lots of water 4. Prayer and Meditation......there is no easy solution.....

Hi Jeanine5432,
it is such a hard situation to be in. Myself I lived with my mother who had Alzheimer’s (but she didn’t believe anything was wrong other then a forgotten word here or there) and then had to do the gut wrenching thing of placing her in memory care for her safety and to hopefully improve her quality of life. Logically I knew it was the right thing to do but emotionally I was a wreck about it. When my mother was at home and when she was at memory care I constantly worried about her, like I was constantly in flight or fight mode readying myself for the next unexpected emergency. I was in therapy which helps and the main thing I would do that helped me (everyone is different so please don’t feel bad if what worked for me doesn’t work for you), what helped me would be sort of being in the now. What I mean by that was when I was living with her and I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic over her health and safety and what may happen. I would check on her (make sure she was still home in her bed and was breathing) then when I saw that she was fine I would repeat to myself « I know that right now my mother is safe, I know she is alive, I know she is sleeping so she is alright » I would repeat that to myself especially when the anxiety would begin.
i would do the same when she was in memory care. After I called the residence and spoke to her I would repeat to myself « mom is doing well, she is alive, she is safe and she is well cared for. » this worked really well just after I spoke to her because I knew it was not likely that anything bad would’ve happened in the few minutes since I spoke to her. Sadly the anxiety would come back after an unknown amount of time but at least for those moments it helped to calm me with the logic of the now. If that makes sense?

oh and calming teas took the edge off a little (chamomile, valerian etc). But of course be careful drinking them until you know how you will respond to them. They can make some people really groggy and less alert and of course if you are allergic or taking certain meds please be careful. I am not a doctor so I don’t know if the teas are healthy for you.

it is so hard to live with the fear that you are currently going through. I have been there and oddly even though my mother passed away a few months ago I seem stuck in that anxiety, just waiting for that other shoe to drop. Please know you are not alone in your anticipatory anxiety and it is normal and shows how much you love your mother.

big hug for you. I am sorry I couldn’t provide more help for you.

I feel responsible for my mother’s happiness. My anxiety is the result of my wanting her (lives in AL) to have a better quality of life. At this time her facility has Covid restricted pre scheduled 30 minute visits. I can also take her out. She doesn’t leave her suite to take part in activities or sit outside. The only time she interacts is during my visits or when I take her out. She just had cataract surgery (previously refused surgery) sufferers from depression and mood disorders. She doesn’t talk very much or watch TV. She can now read (her main hobby) again but her processing is slow. She has very little quality of life but doesn’t complain. I too feel helpless watching this slow deterioration.

Daily exercise helps a lot. I ride my bicycle every single day-incorporate it as part of your daily routine.

I apologize if this offends anyone, but the ONLY solution I know to prevent anxiety and worry is leaning on and trusting in God. I meditate on Scripture daily. There are many, as the Bible is brimming with hope, but two that come to mind in this instance are: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

Whenever anxious thoughts come to your mind immediately stop them and instead recite one or both of these scriptures and believe them in your heart. Do it each and every time and slowly watch your anxiety flee.

You have anxiety because you are sad over the situation that you’re in. I also had a mom living with Parkinson’s disease and it is brutal to watch. For me, I developed a fear of getting Parkinson’s myself. My mom’s brother had it too. It’s natural to be upset seeing parents suffering.

It’s hard to retrain our brains if we fall into anxiety and depression. I had to see a therapist to help sort out my emotions regarding watching my mom deteriorate. As you know, there is no cure for Parkinson’s disease. The meds help to control the symptoms but it is a dreadful disease. My mom recently died at the age of 95. I miss her but I am so grateful that she is at peace now.

It is hard to relax and not think about the next fall, knowing that they are living in pain or experiencing tremors. My mom had some anxiety and depression. She was ready for her life to end so she could reunite with my father in the afterlife. We mourn the loss of our loved ones long before they die. They are merely existing, waiting for their time on this earth to end.

You are fortunate that your mom is in assisted living. I had my mom at home with me. Still, you feel the same emotions that I did. It’s hard, whether they are in a facility or at home.

Be glad that she is being well cared for at her facility. I’m sure that you are grateful for that. Try not to let it consume your every thought. I don’t think that your mom would want that unless she is a ‘self centered’ individual. You don’t sound like a chronic worrier to me. You will work through this situation. It’s a difficult and stressful situation. I have been there and I feel for you.

There are in person support groups for caregivers. I did attend one and I met very nice people in similar situations. The woman who started the group is a social worker and she was very helpful.

Online forums such as this forum helped me also. Take the advice that is applicable for you.

Being prepared helps too, such as knowing when to set up hospice care. Some people wait too long before starting on hospice. You can speak to a social worker to guide win the proper direction.

Wishing you peace during this difficult time in your life.