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Same thing happened to me. She moved in with me at the age of 86 when I got my divorce. I had 2 children living with me. She insisted on cooking, but when I got home there would be a burnt pot on the stove. I started to worry about her burning my house down! After a few years her mood changed drastically. She would constantly yell at my children. They started to resent her. Neither my brother or sister would help. My sister constantly complained about how I treated her. I never told anyone in the family that I washed her clothes, gave her a bath (because she insisted to get in the tub), but then was unable to get her out. I had to have my son get grandma out of the tub. By the way, the first year she lived with me I paid for everything! Second year I asked for 1/4 of the rent. Then the third year I asked if she could contribute to the food. Her reply was "What for a cup of water and a crust of bread"! She went on a food strike!!! My nieces would come over with food and mark her name on the container. She wanted to move to an independent living center. The family agreed, except for me. I knew she would never survive on her own. Sure enough, because she was so stubborn in taking a bath, that she had to stay in the bath tub overnight! My brother looked in on her and found her. That didn't stop her from continuing on with her baths however. A few times the paramedics were called to get her out of the tub. She lasted 3 months on her own. I know had she stayed with me she would have lived a lot longer. No one considers the feelings of the caregiver. I guess the quote "No good deed goes unpunished" is true. Merry Christmas!!
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ExhaustedPiper Dec 2020
I’m so sorry. Please know that you tried to do the right thing for your mom, better understanding her needs. If only others could understand that the primary caregiver knows better than anyone what is needed. Instead we are seen as “drama queens” and worse.

If you don’t mind how is your relationship with siblings now?

Wishing you peace and happiness as you move on.
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I could post this here or on the narcissistic mother thread, either would be relevant. Mother goes to try out a supported living facility in the new year, as I have posted about previously. I've been through the rage, anger and abuse over the past 8 weeks while we've been organising this, with me doing all the work and planning. Today she received a phone call from a nice gentleman friend she fell out with in February after lashing out at him when his TV broke during stormy weather (not his fault obviously). I knew she had written to him last week after he sent a Christmas card. I was sure also that she had spun him a sob story about being "thrown out on the street" rather than the true situation of a fibromyalgia diagnosis for me, and her increasing care needs. So it came as no surprise to hear her tell him that I wanted her out of the house, presenting herself as the victim while he again proposed marriage as if he is some knight in shining armour come to rescue her. She has never wanted to marry him but has enjoyed using him to drive her places, until the lockdown which made him of no use to her, so she just said "I can't marry you" although she really means she doesn't want to. After the phone call she came rushing in, delighted in just knowing that he is prepared to run around after her again. I called her out over: what she had told him in order to get this kind of response, whether she had told him about my diagnosis (she hadn't), I asked her how he and his family were and how they had coped during this "covid" year, and it was clear she hadn't asked as it's just not important to her. I also cautioned her not to give him false hope of marriage in the future by stringing him along. I write this as an example of covert narcissism. The rewriting of truths, the creation of the villain/scapegoat (me), the triangulation, the lies to your face, the lack of empathy or compassion for my health issues, the lack of gratitude for 10 years of caregiving and the lack of feeling for her friend. Sadly none of this comes as a surprise to me - it is all what I already knew about her. My objectives are to get her into the new facility and seriously consider going no contact.
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ExhaustedPiper Dec 2020
I get everything you are saying Chris, I too have watched my mother treat people like crap - well basically my whole life. It’s not going to change for either of us. I used to wonder how my dad stayed with my mom.

Maybe this guy friend of your mom will help her out willingly and hopefully she will be nice about it.

Main question: When is the move out date? 👍🏼
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Thanks Piper. I am an only child so have no siblings to share this with. The burden is all mine. Move out date is around 2 weeks. Can't come soon enough. Meanwhile she is happy to consume all the Christmas foods and drinks I've planned, bought and prepared, without considering the effort and time this takes. There will be no thanks or recognition for this. It is sad to say this no longer bothers or upsets me, despite it being so dysfunctional. There is just no emotion at all there, from her, and now not from me either.
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ExhaustedPiper Dec 2020
Two weeks, I am so relieved for you! Hang on Chris better days are coming!
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Thank you Piper and NeedHelp2021. Sadly I don't feel any sense of freedom. I just feel there is more bad behaviour coming. I feel my mother has her claws into me and it will take ages for me to be free and for the wounds to heal. What a terrible way to feel about your own mother. I can't imagine a relationship like this with my son.
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Woke up to storm and water damage this morning and a very sick cat. After an urgent trip to the vets, through floodwater and queues of christmas eve traffic, we got home to nurse the cat and clean up the house. Mother was absent until she was sure the work was done, before appearing, to tell me her gentleman friend had written to her but had decided not to make her a proposal as she'd already refused him. I think she was initially bemused rather than upset, as she doesn't want to marry or live with him in case she ends up having to care for him. No concern about our poorly cat, the damage to the house or the amount of housework I had to get through today. Then the sulking started because he'd not come running after her as she'd expected. And the scapegoat was the target - me of course. I spent the afternoon preparing foods for tomorrow, occasionally weeping and hoping things will be better next year, whilst just focusing on getting through the next few days. I wanted some good news and kindness for a change, and was really moved by the plight of the several thousand truckers stranded in their lorries in the UK at the moment. Volunteers have been organising food for them as they will likely be spending Christmas in their lorries. I made a donation to one of the volunteer organisations, as however low I am feeling now, those truckers have it far worse, and the kindness and compassion of the volunteers is humbling. Signing off for Christmas, I'd like to thank the many friends on this Forum who have been so helpful and supportive this year. Best wishes to all, and I hope you stay safe and well this Christmas. Xxx
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lealonnie1 Dec 2020
What a mess. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this Chris, my heart hurts for you. I so understand about wishing for some 'kindness' for once, but alas, it never seems to come. :(

I too am an only child and unless one has walked this path with an NM, it's quite literally impossible to comprehend the load it truly is. Nobody to talk to; nobody to share the burden with; nobody to bounce ideas off of. It's unbearable really. I say that often. It's the 'nobody to commiserate with' most that I hate. But what I love most about this forum; that we get to share ourselves & our experiences with others who DO get it!

Wishing you a safe & Merry Christmas yourself, dear one.
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Needhelp2021, don't tell your mom. She will do something to make you stay.

When you are walking out the door is when you should tell her.

I moved 450 miles from my toxic family and I can recommend it. Close enough to help, if I so choose, yet far enough to not get sucked into all their drama.

Merry Holidays and know that this will get better when you enforce your boundaries and move out.

You can do it!
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Needhelp2021 Dec 2020
She acts like she cares saying why don’t you eat something. Until when are you going to continue this charade. Ok if you don’t talk to me at least eat something.
My mother thinks food=love.
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I feel your pain. Hope things are better for you now. I emailed this thread to myself as a reminder that I am not alone in this horrible situation.
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Needhelp2021 Feb 2021
Thank you so much but things are not good. She got covid and infected me also. I was in bed for 2 weeks. You think this would be a lesson for her not to go to stores? Noooo She is going to stores everyday now not just one quick in and out. She stays there more than an hour and goes from one store to another. I think she is planning to get me sick a second time.
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December question.
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CTTN55 Jun 2021
I missed that! I need to always look at the date of a post to make sure I'm not wasting my time!
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I don’t like the sound of this!I was adopted as a baby by my parents and have been nearly broken by them. It started with them gossiping to my brother overseas who is their biological son. Now they have changed their Will and given everything to him despite me being the Caregiver.I feel sad and betrayed.
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CTTN55 Jun 2021
Maxine, I read your previous posts. Have you consulted an elder attorney about whether or not the changed will is valid?

Have you decided to continue to be abused? Are you still going to quit your job at the end of the summer? (Please DO NOT do that!)

You CAN change the situation. Have you decided to start moving towards doing just that?
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dear needhelp :),

hug!!
i hope things are improving.

you wrote:
”I can’t believe I cared for her so much and my siblings never done anything to lift a finger ever and I am the bad person and they are the good one.”

——
it’s verrry common.
:(

especially mean mother talking badly about sweet daughter.

if you were a man, she wouldn’t treat you like this.

you’re a woman.
you’re younger.

she’s jealous.

——
mean people feel good when they make other people feel bad.

——
please protect yourself.
make yourself less available.

the abuse never stops. it gets worse.

the abuse will steal your time, energy, motivation…

it’s hard to lead a blossoming life, with mean people dragging you down.

hug!!!
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marymary2 Dec 2021
bundleofjoy - you said it all so accurately. I wish I'd learned earlier. Now it's too late for me, so I might add "she will steal your life - literally."

If only these sites had been around years ago. Thank you though for reminding me there are a few of us out there. No one I meet understands - nor will the legal system should that come into play.

Hoping this question poster learns and leaves to save herself.
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Dear 2021 - I know exactly what you mean because my mother did the same to me when I gave up my life, my much-needed income, my home to take care of her. Please read about narcissistic mothers to see if other signs match. If they do, you need to change your focus to you. Your mother will never change and it will get worse and it will affect your mental and physical health. My mother's abuse has destroyed me. Wishing you all the best.
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