So Aps came and took my mother from her hospital visit and put her in a home and is trying to get conservator over her. This was not needed and they are trying to say I always abusive and neglect and isolation. Mind you nothing was really wrong with my mom. She lost weight from her stable dementia according to her doctor. And has diabetic blisters and they are saying I did it. My mom has gone to doctor appointments saying things not true in the past and it was documented but that was over a year ago and now they are barely trying to do something. So they have her in a home and we are not allowed to visit or call her or even take her things.
Read posts on guardianship before you go down that rabbit hole. Once you sign those papers it is hard to get help going forward cause the courts will put the responsibilities on you. Also make sure to understand you will have annual reporting which can be annoying and tends to lead many to few their LO as a job.
Once the government gets involved things get messy and complicated.
Speak to a lawyer but also read up on stories regarding guardianship to fully understand what you are getting yourself into.
I agree with Way. I would not want to be the caregiver for this person at all.
Allow the state to do it. Move back to being loving family instead of hated caregiver, would be my advise. Not worth anything you may be getting from it. This isn't a situation that is NOW or EVER WILL BE making ANYONE happy.
Leave her at the facility . As already said , dementia is NEVER stable , it’s progressive and behaviors can change and be unpredictable at times .
Many parents don’t like being told what to do by their ( adult) children . Some lie with allegations. My mother called 911 and lied to the operator who answered her 911 call , then mom admitted to the police that she was lying because she was angry at me . She also lied to my siblings other times . No one believed her . She was a manipulative lying narcissist her whole life .
The most I would do is try to fight for supervised visits, bringing her things .
I agree with you. I'm beginning to believe that it's a liability being a caretaker to the elderly.
When I find myself walking on eggshells around a situation, it is time for me to leave.
My older sister was constantly calling APS and making false reports that I was abusing my sister. Years later, my older sister is now in a nursing home and wanted me to be here POA. I was like; no way!!! There was no way I was going to allow ungrateful and disrespectful family members have control over my life. Last I heard she was in cognitive decline.
Last thing I need right now is someone being abusive and making false reports and trying to sue me for some made up nonsense.
Is your mother's doctor willing to testify and tell the court that he found no signs of abuse?
I was a caregiver for 25 years and now am in the business of it. Many times when an elder cries wolf to get attention, or make their family caregivers look bad, or just wants to cause a little trouble they will make up lies about being abused, neglected, starved, isolated... whatever. They don't get that sometimes the wrong people will be listening like overly-zealous nurses or social workers and they will be taken seriously. Then that elder ends up learning the hard way because they get placed against their will.
Think about it though. Do you really want to take her out of care and resume responsibility for her when she lies about you and tells people you're abusing and neglecting her when you aren't? When she's out of care it will be you having to deal with the care, the fighting, and everything else 24/7 - 365. Just think about it. Her being in care may turn out to be a blessing.
If her allegations of abuse/neglect aren't true, then this is a symptom of dementia or mental illness. You are in denial about what is happening to her cognitively. APS would not recommend guardianship if she had all her mind and was safe to live without help.
You will need one IF the allegations are true and you have to appear in court.
You will need one IF the allegations are not true and you need to go to court to obtain Guardianship if you do not have POA.
In the mean time keep a cool head, do not say or do anything that will hurt your case during the investigation.
I do not think that you will win in a case brought for conservatorship by the courts and a court appointed fiduciary to act in placing your mother safely in care.
At this point, if I were you, and if you are being SCRUPULOUSLY honest with us, I would attend the court hearing and tell the judge:
1. My mom has a documented history of wrongfully accusing myself and others of wrongdoing.
2. I am aware mom was found to have a blister, but she is diabetic. My home and how it was found is proof (hopefully?????) of my meticulous care of my Mom's skin; I did all I could and I reported it to doctor for wound care (hopefully?????). But her diabetes took over.
3. I have kept meticulous records of all of mom's money and what it was used for (hopefully??????) and here they are.
4. If the state decides they wish to be responsible for mom's care and placement I will assist in her cooperation and I only ask if she can be near me so I can visit her.
This is your best way forward. And if the home was well kept, your records are good, you did report any breaches of skin care to the doctor, and etc (??????) then you MAY have a chance still to visit your mom.
However, your caregiving days are likely over, and that may be for the best for both you and your mother.
The other thing I will tell you is that APS is most often, here on the Forum and in my experience as a nurse, very loathe to act to get court conservatorship. In fact they are most often accused of NOT acting for a senior when it is clear they should have. So IF they are taking this to court I believe it must be with good reason.
I am sorry. But this gives you opportunity still to visit and love your mother and be her son, not her caregiver. The courts will function to take care of everything. You can get on with you life. Try to make the best of this, cooperate, if only for your mom's sake.