I need help in dealing with the resentment towards siblings who don't help more when they know what it takes to care for an elderly parent.

Beatlefan, I understand where you are coming from. Your Mum was in an ALF but due to COVID the fmaily was not allowe din to see her, she got depressed, etc ...was sent to the hospital. Dr. did not think she was going to feel better going back to ALF.

The fact of the matter is the ALF probably would have refused to take her back anyway under the circumstances. So somebody would have had to step up and take care of her by bringing her home at least until the pandemic issue is sorted out and the ALF is allows visits once again. It is not a matter of CHOICE as some are stating. It is a matter of care and compassion for a parent who is in need of care.

Most siblings will not help. They do not want to or they just cannot handle it. You are all in your 60s, so you also have to look out for yourself, physically and financially.

From my own expreience in taking care of my mother, I will advise of of this... 1) You cannot go around physically helping your mother if she needs it without causing injury to yourself. So if it comes to that, you will need to get another caregiver in to help you, or you will have to place her in a facility. I have an extremely bad back from lifting my mother who had Parkinson's for over 15 years. It is to the point I can no longer clean my own house, or work. I just turned 60 and the past 7 years after Mum died have been spent in chronic pain unable to do all the things I wanted to do after she passed away. So please make sure your place a priority over your own physical health. 2) Financial - If your mother has assets enough to cover ALF, then pay yourself first from those assets, do it legally, so that it shows as you being self employed as a caregiver for mother, get taxes, SS, all that taken out. So while you retired from your teaching job, you are now employed as a caregiver. I am assuming you have the POA over your mother's financial affairs. Make sure to keep all financial records, so that you cannot be accused of stealing frmo ehr by the siblings who are not participating.

As far as resentment towards sister, be grateful! At least she is coming on Tues/Thurs and having your Mother over every other weekend. Most caregivers do not even get any help from other siblings. I would have given my right arm for a weekend to myself. I took care of my Mum for 15 years 24/7, with no breaks even if I was sick, one time I had injured my ankle, I still had to climb the stairs with her wheelchair to take her up, etc. So be grateful for what sibling does.

Unless you ask sister like you ddi for the weekends, she is not going to offer any additional help because you have been doing everything for a long time even before COVID hit, so she is under the impression that it is okay with you the way things are going. What you can do it ask her to help more. Like on Tues/ Thurs, she can stay longer while you go out or go take a nap, or do something for yourself. Or she can take your mother over to her place on those days for a day visit, pick her up early and bring her back before her bed time.

I would remain open to hainvg your mother back in a facility if and when the COVID restrictions are lifted. You do not say if you have other siblings, but if you do, you all need to have a family meeting and tell them all you will need help, make a list of things you would like undertaken by siblings and let them handle it.

Hope this helps!

To all those stating caregiving is a choice, it may have been for you, but not for everyone! So stop making caregivers feel guilty about them trying to make their parents lives easier by taking care of them under very difficult circumstances. The truth is NOBODY would ever CHOOSE to be a caregiver to someone who is slowly dying while suffering frmo pain and other physical incapabilities, but because we are human we undertake it as our duty to our loved ones. Someday we will need that type of care ourselves, just remember that.

I speak from life's experiences. I know that in so many cases, it seems one family member is given the burden of "doing it all" while the others have excuses and refuse to do anything - it sucks but that is the way it was. I had an elderly friend years ago with a family who absolutely refused to do anything at all. I loved her like a mother and even though I was newly married and worked full time, I ended up taking care of her for a few years at home. But then it was just too much for me and I put her into a nursing home she loved. All in all I took care of her for 28 years until she passed at age 98. I have learned something the hard way - when people, be they friends or even family, are not there for YOU and refuse to be there for YOU when you need help, it is time to reassess and ask if you really want them in your lives. That is a tough choice but sometimes in some circumstances, it is the ONLY DECENT SENSIBLE THING YOU CAN DO. Walk away and never look back. Remember, what goes round comes round so let's hope this happens to them some day too and no one will be there for them. In the meantime, you must place the elderly person so your safety mentally and physically are safe from harm. If you don't do that, disaster will strike.

Then may I suggest you offer.
Some folks consider it that it would be rude to offer help.
It sounds like she is being gracious to pay bills. Most siblings offer no help at all ( including my own ).
If you need help consider getting seniors support from your local government.

You are doing this for your mom and for yourself, not for your sister.

Many of us have walked in your shoes. Resenting her hurts you, don’t waste your time or precious energy. She will be the one who loses, by her own design.

This is the story of the Little Red Hen. Enjoy the relationship with your Mom to the fullest. That is one of your rewards.

Your sister (may or may not) have guilt, but you won’t. That is another.

My parents have been gone now for a while and I still get texts from one sister who is “boasting” about all the sick and elderly she claims to be helping. She wasn’t here when my parents (and I) needed her. Her efforts and words are too late! Loving care and kindness is nontransferable!

My relationship with her is completely gone and I have zero regrets. As a matter of fact, I realize now that I am cutting my losses. There are lots of wonderful “sisters” in my life, I don’t need a crummy one.

I have 3 sisters who called me, THE INFANTRY, in when it all seemed to be going down the drain-- with MOM who had pretty bad dementia and it was--- I stayed with her and even lived with her until she got ants in her pants and did her best to escape twice-- and assistant MGR at the independent living saved us twice-- and that was the wake-up call.... and off -- next door-- to the assisted living facility Mom went and I was given my walking papers. After 4 years... so you have a choice-- stay and endure all the troublesome stuff or find an assisted living for you MOM. Best start looking now-- and going to eat a lunch there--- do not pick one with a crummy kitchen and dining facility. Also get some advise from those who have had to make that choice already-- call your county eldercare line-- 211 and get testimonies-- my Mom's assisted living dropped her twice and who knows about the times what were not witnessed. They broke her shoulder-- right before she died-- kinda funny, huh?
ALSO--- the sibs--- most of 'em are not cut out for down and dirty duty-- too weak--- you are not-- so forgive their weakness-- both physical and emotional... and let them go... treat them kindly on the holiday visits-- after MOM is gone-- they will be the only family left for you. My Sunday school teacher of 13 years since I came here to take care of Mom in 2009-- said choose your battles. Mom is gone to be with Jesus as of November 11th, 2019--- next month I will finally bury her with Dad in Arlington (VA). It takes that long for military dependents-- non-active duty---. Amen. Happy YOM !

By the way .... I am a caregiver. To more than one person to be exact.
In my own home, actually.

ah how I know your situation. My brother only lives 1/2 hour away but yet can only manage to call mom "maybe" every week or every other week and visit the same.  never offers to bring her up some meals or anything else.  Yet I am there every single day to get paper/mail in, take to all doctors appts, therapy, pay the bills, make sure she has meals every day (she has tv dinners as a backup),but I figure reg. meals are better.  And I guess I am stubborn, but I don't feel like I should have to ask to have him do things.  So unless you want to specifically ask or "tell" her she needs to do certain things, you might as well figure on continuing to do what you do.  (my brother only saw our dad 2 times last year in the NH and that was only because it was veterans day and another day and I said I was NOT going).  pretty bad when a sibling won't go see their parent.  I am wishing you luck and I am sure you will get some good advice on here.

You do what I did. Just continue doing the best you can with love and patience. You will never regret the time you were able to help them. The siblings have to live with their lack of help.

Like caregiving and grief, the resentment/forgiveness is a journey. My sister left me to do everything. It's a long story but many of us have lived it. She had the means and time to help and she did not. To say that I bitterly resented her is an enormous understatement. I shed many tears of sheer rageful resentment and I truly felt that when my mother died I would never speak to her again. I cried a lot. I talked to sympathetic friends. I prayed a lot about it and read many Bible plans on forgiveness but remained very resentful for a long time. I wish I could say how or why but at the beginning of this year, my bitterness just began to fade. Slowly at first, and then all together. I began to forgive my sister even though I swore I never would. I opened up more to her and she kindly received it. My mother passed in May and my sister and I facetimed for hours as I sat by my mother's bedside. That was very important for my sister. I did everything for my mother and she was so grateful and kind and loving to me and my sister missed out on that. I do grieve for my mother, but it's a peaceful grief if that makes sense. My sister is still struggling very much as I knew she would. I have no regrets, but I suspect she does. I do reach out to her occasionally and when I do, I know it would make my parents so happy. Feel your resentment and rage all you want. You've got to go through that journey too. Ask for help specifically. Can you take mom to her appointment next month or whatever. When I asked, I was told no and that can happen but at least you asked. I pray that your resentment will fade over time and you will be able to repair your relationship with your sister. My relationship with my sister is not perfect, but it never was. I do feel more kindness and sympathy for her and I'm at peace with her and all of that is good. I'm so very grateful that I was able to release that anger. I wish I had something more concrete or specific but all I can say is give it time and work through the anger however you can. You do have a right to be angry and your feelings are real and valid.

I feel your angst! My mom lives with me and my family and my brother and sister rarely visit, even before Covid. I'm pretty much over the resentment but the lack of caring or interest on either of their parts ust puzzles me. She recently broke her foot and last week we found out one of her dental implants is falling out. I considered letting my siblings know but what are they going to say? "Oh, bummer." :)) Never mind the number of appointments this all involves.

My brother lives about 20 minutes away and my sister lives 3 hours away. When she came for visits she would stay for 3-4 hours. I would ask her to help me clean or organize my mom's living area and her standard line was "That's not how I choose to spend the limited time I have with her." Meanwhile she has five weeks vacation per year, one adult child, and more time to herself outside of work than any person I know. My brother and mother had a falling out about 7 years ago and I think he just decided to set a boundary to protect himself. That said, my mom has apologized multiple times and she is now a far different person than she was when she they had the argument. (It was when my dad was still alive, with Alzheimer's and my mom was going nuts trying to care for him at home).

I have tried in the last several years to get both my brother or my sister to either stay in my house with my mom or to take her to their house when I've needed to go out of town, but neither of them were willing to. Instead I have hired very expensive in home caretakers. If I hired them as often as I would like to get respite care my mom's remaining savings would be gone very quickly. Now my mom gets very anxious being away from home so it wouldn't even be good for her to go stay at either of their homes temporarily.

My sister views my role as caretaker as something I chose and thus I shouldn't complain. She thinks the amount my mom gives me each month ($1,750) is too much as is certain she could find her a less expensive option. (LOL!). My mom has dementia and it can be very frustrating and tiresome to deal with her repetition. But she is aware she has two other children and often asks me if I have heard from them or if I happen to know if they are angry with her because she hasn't heard from them. It's just depressing and not at all how I envisioned them behaving toward her or me when we were all younger.

Just a thought for those who have rotten siblings...

Ever wish that you were an only child? I did all of the time. I always felt that since I was doing everything on my own anyway that it would have been nicer not to have siblings that interfered by being obnoxious.

To me it felt worse than if I were an only child. An only child doesn’t have crappy siblings who can make our lives difficult.

I remember a poster on here that was an only child. He made me giggle when he said, “Reading all of these posts about horrible siblings makes me glad that I am an only child!”

I agree! It’s better to be alone! It’s not like I had siblings to share with or empathize with my situation.

Haven't read any other responses yet, Beatlefan. Thanks for being here for me. This isn't a challenge to you, but meant as a trusting question: Do you know for an actual fact that your sibs really, actually, know what "it" takes? I'll never know for sure what's in my sibs' hearts or minds [we were never close]. If my sisters really knew, and didn't, couldn't, or wouldn't 'step up', I get to practice understanding, compassion, forgiveness of their inability to help our mom. If they were maybe physically or emotionally capable, then I focus on compassion for their guilt. I just wish these damned dreams of condemnation from them would go away. What's THAT about ? : )

I can sympathize Beatlefan. I am 72 with heart trouble, migraines, scoliosis and I am the sole caregiver for my 101 1/2 year old mother. I have a sister 3 years older, a retired registered nurse who actually worked in snf s. You would think that would be a most helpful sibling to have in this current life situation. But not so. The only time I hear from her is when she needs a shoulder to cry on. Being she is my only sibling, I have over time learned to accept her the way she is and expect no help from her. She loves to criticize me offering it up as her so called advice. I used to get very angry about the way she criticized me because she never asks how she could help Mom. Now I just let her rattle on and say whatever she feels she needs to say without responding. It's much easier to just listen (sometimes I admit my mind wanders while she talks and I don't even know what she said.) She says we trigger each other. I see it more that she attacks and much enjoys the role of older sibling advising the dumber younger sibling. I used to respond to the attacks and that ruffled her feathers and mine too. It was ugly for both of us. When I quit doing so, I felt no more tension dealing with her "advice". Frankly I think she cannot face the fact that we too are aging and to see Mom slowy fading is too much for her to deal with. I know she does not like growing older. It is what it is. She often gave Mom a hard time when we were growing up. Probably a blessing that she is not around to upset the apple cart now. I love her dearly but sometimes geographical distance can be a good thing. People are what they are even though we often expect more from them than they care to give.

First and foremost I just want to extend to you the appreciation and the acknowledgement you deserve. And yes has/have earned. Being a caregiver in any way, shape or form is a thankless job. And to all the caregivers out there I tip my hat to each and every one of you. But you are experiencing what countless of caretakers/caregivers endure on a daily basis. You have whether by default or just fate, chance or circumstance you have become the designated caretaker. And of course your sister see, recognize and understand all the million and one things that you have to do. But its been my own personal experience that either family members/siblings don't care. Or there may be some personal family baggage or drama they don't want to deal with. Or they want to help. But for whatever reason don't know how. Or cannot bring themselves to go above and beyond the bare minimum of what is required to help a loved one. And in some cases I've found that certain individuals just simply cannot wrap their mind around the fact(s) that someone that they love. Someone that was once so strong and capable. Now needs their help and is dependent upon them. So they run. They flee, they hide, they disappear. And it usually one sole person that has to step up and take control of the situation. And yes that is WRONG. And yes RESENTMENT does set in. Because here you are trying to juggle not only the demands in your own personal life. But the pressures and demands of the person your caring for. And on top of everything it seems while your putting on this juggling act. Everyone suddenly goes off and finds an opinion. Now your trying to explain all this stuff to people. Who are NOT even helping you and/or the situation. Then on top of that you have to deal with doctors, social issues, COVID and God only knows what else. And if that ain't enough. Try adding dementia and/or just confusion, isolation, loneliness and emotional/mental strain to the mix. And you have yourself the perfect cocktail for RESENTMENT. Still though it may not seem like it right now. Given that you are standing alone in the thick of it. You are and NEVER doubt doing the right thing. There are going to be days when you are so tired, so lonely, broken and yes even afraid. And if you have to you cry out. You scream, you go to God or whomever and you release. But don't ever give up. And if its just 10 minutes a day you find or make time for you and just you alone. But just know that there are millions of people out there who knows and understand everything you are feeling and going through. I know this may sound corny to say. But you are not alone. And as for your sister talk to her. Ask her to pitch in and help out. I know you feel you shouldn't have to. And honestly you shouldn't. But some people just don't get it. Until you break it down to them. And even after you speak with her and she still doesn't help. Just know that's on her and not you. Cause in the end God forbid something was to happen. I tell you no lie she will be the main one crying. And you will be at peace. Cause you know that you loved and gave without question. And without being asked too.

I could be your sister. I am sure you have a very caring heart and are really trying to do everything you can for your mother. Nevertheless, BECAUSE I spent 2 days a week with Mom and tried to arrange household help (which I paid for) and picked up her prescriptions, I knew that I was already doing too much. I am 69, within a few months of 70, my older sister is nearly 71. She absolutely insisted that "everything possible" be done to let Mom stay in her home, but now she resents the fact that the rest of us have not taken on any additional care-giving. We were already doing as much, or more, than we could do. Mom should have been placed in residential care several years ago. I know my older sister resents the rest of us for not doing more, but we all have medical issues of our own and our own homes to maintain.

I am sorry that she feels that the rest of us are letting her down, but we know our limits and try to live our lives within them. I wish that she would also carefully look at what she is doing and find a way to step back a bit into what she can reasonably do. We are 4 sisters who have not always been really close, but have enjoyed getting to know one another again in our senior years. I would like to see our care for Mom one in which we find joy and unity rather than resentful and involuntary servitude. Realistic expectations need to include whatever outside help might be necessary to prevent us from destroying our own lives in an effort to ease Mom's life.

I hope you can find a way to list what you can and cannot do and find some help for what you cannot do. Your sister clearly has made some decisions along that line, perhaps you might do the same. Remember that you are likely to have your sister for much longer than you will have your mother. Try to see things from your sister's perspective for a bit, you might be surprised at what you see.

Beatlefan: High praises to you for being a stellar caregiver. Your story was mine when I had to leave my home, my husband and my state and move 7 states away and in with my mother, who demanded to live alone in her own home. With a whole host of ailments, my mother waited too long as to where she would live in old age. I'd told my sole sibling that I would live there for a designated period and then it was his turn. He said that he WOULDN'T do it. Well, okay then... I get where you're coming from. Prayers sent.

Hi
it does hurt, you are incredible for what you do but you need help.
Why are you afraid to ask your sister to do more? Paying the bills is not physically and mentally taxing like doing Care day in and day out.

My my sister in law pulls the same thing . She doesn’t work but cant do more than 1-2 visits weekly whereas my husband goes to my fil
6-7 nights a week and he works 40 hours. I tell him to speak up but it does no good . He gets upset with my sil but then she lays a guilt trip on him about how he’ll be glad he did what he’s doing when my fil passes. Meanwhile she sits on her butt

You must ask for help, if you get sick you are no good to your mom
Best

My two sisters also knew how difficult caring for our mom 24 hours a day 7 days a week was. They never missed a vacation or time with their friends or grandchildren. They thought coming to visit once a week for an hour was enough. Remember though this will end and hopefully you can look back and be glad for what you did.

I can definitely relate to what your going through. Since my mother passed away 3 years ago. I've been taking care of my father. Yes, he still lived in his own home but I took care of his finances and we didn't want him driving we drove him every where. When ever I talk to my siblings about the stress of it. They're like oh well that's Dad nothing we can do. They lived they life when I had to take care of everyone else. So much my husband & I ended up with health issues. Now, my brother moved up and wants to take over and I get treated awful. Like I haven't done a good enough job. No appreciation for putting my life on hold. Now they got my father to gang up on me as well. I'm about ready to throw in the towel. Maybe we can figure this out together.

I don’t know what advice to give because I struggle with the same feelings of resentment. We’ve had my mother since May 2019. I have 3 brothers who I had on a pedestal.... along with my momS 33 grandchildren ..... of which only 2 have helped and they are my daughters! I have lost all faith in humanity most days.... I know these feelings are not healthy for me so I feel for you. Then to sweeten the pot my mother inlaw joined us in September 2019 .... she has dementia.... my husband and I are all she has... other than my daughters.... My brothers know what I/we are going through. My youngest brother will take my mom for the day on the weekend’s and tries to help with dr visits.... otherwise I do it all. I wish you luck but most of all strength to get you through.... it’s the hardest job I e ever had.

I took mom my mom home with me in March of 2019 after her stroke in January (because the care level was horrible at local places to level she needed) - with the idea that my sister knew we would have to go day by day (she lives out of state) - Lets see how far she could get and then adjust to find what would be best for Mom. Last year was in home rehab and then outpatient every day - buying accessible van - figuring out drs and therapies and supplies and paying her bills and learning wound care and feeding tubes and the other 4000 things that go along with this. In November we had a break from rehab - to renew rehabilitation come January 2020 and get mom’s life and affairs in order. It’s now a year since my sister came to visit. Mom got a uti and encephalopathy in January and my husband and I went back to sleeping and living in hospitals to come home after 3 weeks and have to re-do all therapy’s including learning to swallow again. I begged for her to come help me - I begged for her to come see mom in the hospital and I begged her not to take a trip to Aruba in March and come help me. She went to Aruba and I stopped begging. Through Covid she calls 2x a week and no more unless I tell her mom is looking for her and is she around. I have been 100% on my own since last September. I have a business and attempt to do work from home but usually fail and due to Covid any in home care that I was going to get her adjusted too couldn’t be implemented. Even if I had care help - I have an open living concept and my entire life as well as mom’s is strewn about in my main office/kitchen/family room. Due to living in just survival mode for a year. I have nowhere to lock up or put my desk and personal bills etc and if I move anything - chances are with my exhaustion level that I will not remember to pay something or even know where it is.
I am sure I feel resentment but mostly I feel so let down and hurt. I can hardly get a shower once a week. Mom’s care is at such a high level and her other daughter just couldn’t figure out how to get in her car and drive here to give me one day off. It is sad because my mother deserved more. I’m now with her 24/7 since Covid (in two years have maybe been away from her for an hour or two 10x). My husband has had to do things to help me or watch me go through what nobody should ever have to go through. It is hard - there are so many emotions attached to caregiving. My mom who was my best friend (even though she had issues and could be difficult - I was still very very close to her). To watch her decline and have zero support from my sister has been the hardest part. Her brain injury along with mental health have her verbally attacking me daily now (we see her neuro on Friday and I am praying for him to find something to put her on to help with the outburst). I guess I love differently and do find it hard to accept my sister would just leave us and pretend what mom and I live every day doesn’t exist. Mom and I both have to my sister and kids lives and always made them top priority - family first - ever baby born we spent weeks up there helping - every vacation was spent going to be with her and the kids. Some days I know mom abuses me for my sister not being here.
I right now am in the process of finally selling her home. Which entails moving - packing - storage units all while being with mom 24/7 and being 100% care. I just told my sister to start calling memory care places and to plan to get here to help mom get adjusted into one. It is not humanely possible for me to do what I have done anymore. I haven’t asked her in along time “when are you coming “ or told her about the things mom’s does daily to me anymore - I had to stop waiting for her to show up and just attempt to keep going. It is not easy and I feel your heartache and your sense of loss and grief. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Just know that you are not alone. I see you. Praying for you

Indifference is the norm, caring from the heart the exception. Lazy bums that leave the heavy load to others. Do not forget how these people are, they are finally showing their true colors, and believe it or not, it’s better to know the soul of a person, family or not, than be uncertain as to their true nature. The world does turn around, faster than what we think, and Karma is unavoidable. Peace to you, don’t let the bugs bite, and best of everything.

Can holiday to ski,
but not ever clean wee..

Can ask what is new,
but not how are you?

Turn up when they please,
Be thanked when they leave.

Always a sibling to me..

I’m so sorry for you. I’m facing the same situation. I’m trying so hard not to be resentful. Those siblings that can’t physically help me, helps me financially and emotionally. But the one sister who is very healthy and blessed is the very one who does so little. Sadly, she doesn’t see her selfishness. But once this season is done and life moves on, I will have peace of mind for caring for my mom. My selfish sister, however, will have to face her nightmares. May God bless you.

Based on comments in your profile, I can relate. All too often there are posts on this forum about siblings, relationships, negativity, lack of assistance and even outright accusations and interference. We're not alone, the only difference is in the level of ambivalence or interference. Just the number of responses so far is telling. I haven't read them yet.

All too often one sibling gets the bulk of the work. I can relate to that also! Ignore the comments saying you chose to do this. It isn't important. It IS important that at least one does try to ensure the LO gets the care they need. Whether we WANT to take it on or not - SOMEONE has to commit to something. These people telling you that YOU chose to do this aren't considering that unless you stepped in, the LO might be left hanging.

My brothers both talked about taking mom in when they found out how much MC costs, but neither ever did make a move to do this and it would've been a mistake! One lives about the same distance from where mom lived, the other isn't local. In my case, I was laid off, and decided to just retire then. I was able to help mom while she lived in her own place. I wouldn't have been able to care for her myself, so I looked to alternatives. First was bringing in help, to check on her (1 hr/day) with plans to increase as needed. Less than 2 months later, she refused to let them in. I was the one doing all the research, planning, locating a place for her, etc. I'd already taken over her finances and would take her shopping or to appts, and bring supplies, but it was difficult. Once we had her in MC, then came about 1.75 years of dealing with her condo and contents - clean, clear, repairs. It was about 1.5 hr each way!! MOST of the work I did or hired help. Even after it was sold, all the necessary advocacy, oversight of finances and supplies not provided, appts, etc were/are MINE to continue to deal with. OB isn't local, so he was little help. YB was finally asked to take her to Mac Deg appts that were not local and she wouldn't stand/walk without major help. I couldn't support her weight. These are 4x/year, not a big deal when every week I have to juggle something, money, supplies, other appts, visits, etc. He complained about it. I'm sure I heard a sigh of relief when I told him I cancelled the 10/8 and future appts now that mom has had a stroke!

Resentment? Sure. But who does that hurt? You know the answer. No amount of resentment, anger, bargaining, coercement, arguing, reasoning, etc is going to change them. You can only change yourself. When I mentioned it was getting to be too much, OB bellowed at me to "give it up." No offer of support, no suggestions for alternatives. Nothing. YB's answer, more recent, is that the facility takes care of everything. SNARK! Sure they do. Idiot.

At my worst point (anger wise), I started email to each one, addressing the issues and trying to make the points. I'd leave it in draft and come back to edit/add later. Eventually I just stopped. They are still in my draft folder, but won't be sent. It would serve no purpose, at least not for making things better for me. It would most likely just stir up THEIR anger which they would then take out on me. They ARE clueless and nothing I can say or do will change that. So, the emails were like a catharsis - pour out all that negative crap, and leave it there. Sure, a few times here and there the anger tries to poke out, but deep breath and move on. It doesn't help to harbor it and nothing will change them, so use that "anger" time to do something nice for yourself instead!

I know that when mom passes, there'll be even more work for me, tidying up everything, filing taxes, paperwork, etc. I know I've done my best to manage her finances so far, and neither has said boo - all I can say is they'd better not question ANYTHING as the dust settles. We 3 are trustees of the trust, but only 2 are execs of the will (I am one.) All that old anger just might make a reappearance!!!

Sure it hurts but you need to be strong and talk to your siblings. If one of then lives near have them take mom for 6 months. Lets split the responsibilities.

Thinking more on this - since you haven't asked, would that be an option? No accusations, no pushing, just ask - figure out what it is you would like her to do and ask if she would be willing to do that, or perhaps she could offer something else if that doesn't work for her. Ask once, then move on if the answer is no.

Until you ask, you really won't know. She may be assuming that you have it all worked out and are doing fine. Then again, maybe what she is doing now is all she is willing to do. BUT, until you broach the subject, how do you know?

One time, just ask. Don't make a big deal out of it, don't make it about her or you, but rather focus on what you each do to help mom. If she declines, then you have your answer and then you can drop it and forget the anger and frustration. That's what it is and will be. Perhaps you will be surprised and find that she is willing to do more, but didn't know you needed/wanted help.

Do come back and tell us if you tried this and what the result was. Vent your frustrations and anger here (or in a document, like email, without sending it, like I did. It really did help me to "get it out" and then put it away!) Note that I DID ask for help, but just got flak back from the brothers. So, at least I tried.

My sympathy goes to you; can you try counselling if the resentment is getting you down and you can't change the situation?

My younger brother was always the 'golden child', though since my mother moved to live in AL near us he has been supplanted by my husband, as my brother gets ratty with Mum and my husband puts up with her selfish and narcissistic ways and gives her what she wants so she has transferred the role to him. My brother knows I get very stressed by my tense relationship with Mum, yet as he has a full-time job and a dysfunctional family life of his own, I feel reluctant to ask him to do more for her. He does visit a bit more often since coronavirus meant his working from home, but we're not allowed into the building.

Mum worries about my brother driving a 50-mile round trip to see her but expects us to take her anywhere she needs to go, and quite often gives him money even though they earn more than we do and do far less for her. I don't want or need the cash, but do somewhat resent the inequality!

You will find help here in this forum. Many of us have been through this personally. This situation is intensely painful.

Time makes things better. (Repeatedly reaching back to siblings does not).

A counselor, although trained to deal generically with problems, likely has no idea how terrible this feels.

Feel free to reach out to me personally if you ever need to talk.