Mom is receiving end of life care at home, she has a Foley catheter but still insists that she has to get up to pee. I understand that she has some dementia and forgets. The problem is my dad insists on giving this long drawn out description of the catheter and why she doesn't have to get up to pee, even shows her the bag with pee in it. I have explained over and over to my dad (who does not suffer from dementia) that she doesn't remember. He gets VERY irritated with her and often scolds her for forgetting. She has periods of severe restlessness (mostly at night) and of course asking to get up to pee is just part of that restlessness. She gets a small dose of lorazepam and morphine and this seems to calm her down IF she gets it before she gets too agitated. Dad won't give her the morphine at night even though 3 nurses have told him that is what she needs along with the lorazepam. What happens is he just gives her the lorazepam and complains it doesn't do anything and she is up all night and in turn he is up all night and then he has even less patients with her the next day. He also will bug her to eat until she finally yells at him "NO, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING" she only yells after he has asked her 5 -7 times over and over, then he scolds her for being "testy". I have explained to him that if she doesn't want food he should not bug her about it, "I know, I'm not bugging her, I'm just making sure she doesn't want something." is his reply. I'm there from 7AM until 8 or 9 PM everyday and I have gently explained these things over and over to him and it's like he's not listening. I am having a VERY hard time dealing with him. Getting my mom in and out of bed, emptying her catheter bag, cleaning her up and feeding her when she does want to eat is a breeze, even telling her for the 100th time that day that she has a catheter and doesn't have to get up to pee doesn't bother me. Dad on the other hand is driving me crazy! Any advice would be appreciated!
Depending on how things are expected to go with your mother, I wonder if your father could safely go and stay with another (screened/quarantined) family member for a few days and get a proper rest. Apart from his having some unbroken nights' sleep, it would also be a chance for you to get in there and put in place a firm, fixed schedule for him to come back to.
It's ironic, really - your mother isn't listening to him, and he isn't listening to you! Two peas in a pod! On the other hand: just as an exercise, something to try - what about responding to him as you wish he would respond to your mother? Nod and smile, agree that it's annoying, sigh and shake your head - but give up on the explaining! :)
I feel for you about how wearing and frustrating their exchanges must be, though. I had two clients in one, a married couple, each as hopeless as the other when it came to following directions, and each constantly correcting the other - by the time I got out of their house my head was spinning.
Do remember to praise him for what he's doing, by the way. He may not be Caregiver of the Year in terms of skill and understanding, but he is working his socks off to take care of her. God bless all of you.
As I read this I thought of my DH. He too is stubborn. Also, helpful when you don't want or need the help. When u do need him, he is nowhere around. I can see him continuing to ask me if I want something to eat and me finally getting mad and hollering at him. Then him saying I am testy. 😁
My mum has the catheter.. And she keeps asking to go through the night.. And my father gets furious so I've moved him into another bedroom. My mum in her last days and dad bothers the carers when they come to clean her up, he bothers me when I'm trying to deal with it and he goes off for walks and I've had to give him an ID bracelet but alarms on the doors are the next thing..
My mother is so quiet mostly and no trouble.
I try to give Dad things to do.. And I was told that he's terrified of losing my mum and half his behaviour is down to this. Doesn't help much though.. I'm really sorry I can't help but will watch this thread with interest to see if anyone has found a solution. Thinking of you.. I'm right there with you.
I hired a private cna, out of my own pocket, to come in the evenings in the end. It was a great emotional support for me, more than anything else, because she didn't have the emotional baggage I had in dealing with my father-- so I had an ally in the room. It was in the evenings because by the end of the day, I was emotionally drained and had little moxie left to battle my controlling narcissistic father. If that's not possible for you, why not see if you can schedule your hospice visit for as late as possible.? Alternatively, why don't you just give her a dose of morphine when your dad is making her something to eat? There is no reason for her to suffer even one minute.
I was on Hospice for 2 and 1/2 years myself! I have been off of Hospice now for over 2 years so I understand how it works vs how it should. The first thing I would like to say is that morphine is NOT what she should be given to help her sleep. Morphine and Roxenol are for severe pain and they slow down respiratory function making it difficult to breathe. The other thing I want you to think about is that your father is a man! Men are used to being able to fix things when they break! Like the car, lawn mower, and intervening in family squabbles and basically everything that comes with being the head of the family. They are used to being in control. Now that he is older, he has lost control to a large extent. His wife and the mother of his children is dying and not only can he not fix her, you and hospice have taken control away from him! There is no blame here! Except that you need to quit being so focussed on how all of this is affecting you and stop and think about how it's all affecting him! Be more patient! And pay attention to what medicines they are giving your mother! There's a lot of medications that are not supposed to be given to people with dementia or Alzheimer's or who are elderly! Please be mindful of the fact that your father is a man that is not used to talking about his true feelings and he is not ready to say goodbye yet! Just slow down and realize that you aren't the only one grieving! Hospice is about hastening death and btw I can tell you that Morphine is not a pleasant or comfortable way to die!
Sometimes it is hard to understand her broken mind and some folks automatically try to get the confused person back to a point of understanding things logically. It won't happen. You may never get dad to understand that. He is also watching his wife wither away from him, so it is scary.
It is hard to watch both of them, from your own perspective. It is easier for me to tell you to have patience - but for you it is nearly impossible sometimes. Just keep doing the best you can do - that's really all any of us can advise you. This whole stage of life is very difficult.
Your parents have their relationship and there is no changing it at this point, even if the constant bickering is annoying. I wonder if there was another person around if possibly your father would actually calm down a bit?
Your father is having a hard time with your mom being on hospice in the home. It seems he is not getting enough rest. Maybe he needs to sleep in another room or a sitter needs to tend mom overnight so he can rest.
Develop a strategy for the food issue. He should offer food every 3 hours. If mom says she doesn't want anything, he should let it go and try again in 3 hours. This way he can feel he is being a good provider without irritating mom.
Again, I feel your father is having a difficult time coping with "hospice" as part of mom's care plan. It would be helpful for him to get some counselling as part of his coping with a difficult situation.
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