Our marriage hasn't been good for decades. I can't say I didn't love my husband at one time because I did but that was decades ago. He was controlling, mentally abusive and cold back then.
When my husband was diagnosed with dementia in 2017 I wanted to keep him home with me to care for him. However he's been so mean, sarcastic and hurtful. He's just plain nasty. He's always been a very cold person. He drives everyone that loves me away. If I take a walk he questions me where I've been. His dementia started in 2013 but has progressed. When I ask whether he loves me or not he says yes. I feel nothing. Out of respect for the 50 years together I wanted to make sure he's taken care of with respect and love, hopefully under my watch. It's getting impossible.
He's 79 and I'm 68. He's been professionally diagnosed by a neurologist. He is on meds. He no longer showers, changes his clothes, has delusions, and is paranoid. He now is lying as well. He refuses to acknowledge he has dementia, rather he says he had a stroke which is true. He had 2 mini strokes. I literally am alone with him 24/7. I wait on him hand and foot.
I'm tired, feel unloved, used and abused. I'm done. I want to find some happiness before I die. I've never seen anything like my situation on this site. Is there anyone else out there in my situation? Am I a monster? Can I still care for him even though I want my freedom? Help me please.
I married for better or worse, in sickness or health. This is the worse, this is the sickness. Everyone is different, but he sounds like he needs a higher level of care than what you can give. In his world he may not even realize the change.
I agree that placing her husband is the best way to go, but it doesn't have to be done with anger, or animosity, but with the belief that it is all for the greater good.
Guilt is not necessary, though I am certain there will be feelings of guilt no matter the decision...
Self-Care, self-respect, self-compassion is an imperative part of caregiving.
It sounds to me like yatzeedog has had years of guilt through emotional and mental abuse... It is probably past time that she take stock of her needs and feelings and address them in a compassionate and empowering way.
You are in a different space as is your husband.
Look at your options regarding separating (at least physically if not legally) and make decisions from there. Once you are no longer overwhelmed and burdened by the daily care, responsibilities and abuse, it will be easier to make decisions from a clearer and more mindful space.
I wish you ease through this part of your journey... NO JUDGMENTS whatever you decide to do... Please just ensure that your decisions are for the greater good ... that your husband receives the care he needs and you live the life you need and deserve... and we breathe...
(comic relief - and true!)
Keep the faith
So that is B.S.Fast forward I am 62 years old and he goes to an an island to have a good time. I find out about it and decided to separate. We stayed together for the purpose of benefits. He lived separately from me and came home to help me with outdoor work. He cut down a tree on our property and the tree falls on him and he is now paralyzed. It has been a year and a half and I take care of him. I have divorced him but continue to care for him. He lives downstairs and I upstairs. I am in a quandry on what to do just like you. I too want my freedom. However, I feel guilty with what has happened. He is also depressed and I am afraid he will do something to himself. He is going for therapy for this. It seems that everyone has some good suggestions. I wish this didn't happen as I am sure you did with your husbands dementia. Just wanted to let you know that there are others who have these kinds of issues and feel your pain. I hope that with time we will find a way to solve this. Take care
I suggested you start with separate living quarters and work toward separation and then divorce so you are not liable for his future assisted living costs.
With mental / cognitive / brain chemistry decline, a person will not change how they have been wired for decades. "Be nice, and calm" feels like telling a person to continue to be a door mat for / and continue to subject their self to another's abusive behavior. I presume, perhaps incorrectly, that you are telling this person to do what you do or have done, based on your own feelings about yourself and your partner. Everyone is different and no one must remain in an abusive relationship, period.
Don't allow anyone here (or anywhere) to put a guilt trip on you; others who stay(ed) may feel they want to also leave and didn't / don't have the courage to do so. They may be psychologically torn due to religious beliefs.
If others stay with their partner/spouse till the end, that is their choice.
If you want to leave and create some happiness in your own life, you will find a way to do that. I, and so many others here, support your decision 110%.
Instead, first try getting more help with care so that you're not bound hand and foot to him and feel less tired, unloved, used and abused. Then have another think about the situation and where you want to go with it.
If he has been diagnosed with dementia can you get him admitted somewhere for observation? Sounds like he can no longer care for himself and should be in a facility. What would happen to him if you became ill or incapacitated?
If you feel unsafe I would leave the house and call the police. Wait outside and let them into the house and let them take him to a hospital for diagnosis. You don’t have to take him home. Refuse to take charge of him, cite his abuse and your concerns for your safety. Do you have someone you can call to be with you? This will not be easy.
Be safe and be strong, the man you married is gone, look out for yourself. Let us know what happens, we care about you.
So First reason I don't leave is that I would have to sell the beachfront condo. The second reason I don't leave is - "What will everyone think of me?" This is the one I wanted to write about. The thought of what everyone would say...........
Friends - real friends - and one doesn't need fake friends - Real friends know what you are going thru and know that it's killing YOU - What others say? The Hell with them - Anyone who thinks you are horrible for breaking the better or worse, sickness and in health vows - well, they are not in your shoes are they? They will gossip their say - and within minutes will be forgotten.
All I'm saying is, if worrying about what other people will say is a main reason for not leaving - You need to start believing in yourself again and do what's best for you and not worry about self centered nobodies.
Well said that your husband is but a shell of the man you knew and loved - So bottom line true - That man, that wonderful wonderful man, is no longer there -
Over the past 2 yrs, I have gone thru the grief of loss and now I'm going thru the anger of loss - I pray nightly that I soon enter acceptance and allow myself to move on mentally as best I can.