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When I read your story I said to myself that was me. I was advised that at the first chance I could to call 911. Once you get him in the ER tell the dr that you can’t take him home because it’s an unsafe environment for him and you. Ask to see a social worker. I am 2 years past this.
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Jypzy2019 Sep 2019
Great advice.
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It is a tiring experience without rewards.
I married for better or worse, in sickness or health. This is the worse, this is the sickness. Everyone is different, but he sounds like he needs a higher level of care than what you can give. In his world he may not even realize the change.
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Do you have a PACE program in your area? Program for All Care of the Elderly. Another is call Ombudsmen in your state
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I am l00% with you, fully behind you in every way. I am glad you once loved this man who obviously did not return the love. If his behavior is negative, cold and abusive and is harming you mentally and physically, YOU owe him NOTHING. He deserves to be left behind. NO PERSON EVER SHOULD HAVE TO PUT UP WITH BEHAVIOR AND ABUSE AND THEY ARE FOOLS IF THEY ALLOW IT. I only wish you had left earlier. You are entitled to live the life you have left and he is using you and you are his slave. Put a stop to it at once. Find a facility or a caretaker but leave and start a new life. There simply is no other choice. Go now while you still have a chance. And I know many will disagree but that is their problem. You are not bad, you should not feel guilty. You need to move on with your life - now.
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We have an elderly friend who was in a similar situation. If you can afford it, and he agrees(?), he needs to be in ALF or a MC. If you have financial and medical Durable POA, you can help make these decisions. In my opinion, you don’t need to file for divorce. After he’s in ALF/MC, you can get on with your life (as our friend did), and visit him occasionally in the ALF (or not!), and, as our friend did, fall in love with another man, travel, etc. And when he dies, you are hopefully the one who inherits anything that’s left. This scenario may be too simple in your case, but I thought I’d share what our friend did. All the best to you and your future!!
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shad250 Sep 2019
Dump him and go In other words
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Place him in a facility and you will get some relief. At least a break in the action. Just remember---what you do now will come back later on you, so if you abandon him, expect the same for yourself in the future. Karma has a way of happening later on, and unexpectedly.
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LorenMGG Sep 2019
This is not about abandonment... I don't think you meant to sound harsh, but it came across that way...
I agree that placing her husband is the best way to go, but it doesn't have to be done with anger, or animosity, but with the belief that it is all for the greater good.
Guilt is not necessary, though I am certain there will be feelings of guilt no matter the decision...
Self-Care, self-respect, self-compassion is an imperative part of caregiving.
It sounds to me like yatzeedog has had years of guilt through emotional and mental abuse... It is probably past time that she take stock of her needs and feelings and address them in a compassionate and empowering way.
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yatzeedog, you are getting some good advice here, and I concur that you need to take care of yourself and create a life that you can enjoy now. I am sorry that you devoted so much of your life to someone who was abusive to you... Whatever your reasons, you can heal and forgive yourself for choices and decisions you made in the past, but they do not have to be the same choices and decisions today.
You are in a different space as is your husband.
Look at your options regarding separating (at least physically if not legally) and make decisions from there. Once you are no longer overwhelmed and burdened by the daily care, responsibilities and abuse, it will be easier to make decisions from a clearer and more mindful space.
I wish you ease through this part of your journey... NO JUDGMENTS whatever you decide to do... Please just ensure that your decisions are for the greater good ... that your husband receives the care he needs and you live the life you need and deserve... and we breathe...
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TouchMatters Sep 2019
thank you for spelling judgments correctly.
(comic relief - and true!)
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I can sympathize with you. I would look into a memory care facility that meets your needs and budget and don’t look back. I know, easy to say.
Keep the faith
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No you are not a monster. I have a friend whose former husband (her words) has dementia and is in AL memory care. She does visit him and helps him as she is able. Seems to work for her. There is no reason you can't do the same. Is there a ways to get him admitted? Financially you also need to do what is in your best interests. Try to get solid advice from a CPA, financial advisor or attorney.
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Our situations are so very simular it's scary. I'm also 68 and taking care of a husband with dementia (Alzheimer's) only he is like a child of 2. Trusting and a big flirt with others. His attention span is about 1 minute like his memory. I'm so sorry your husband is so abusive. Love is very important so I would not give up on him. I've known my husband since 1969 so we are close to the time you've been with your husband. I also have no outlet for myself but my husband has been in a rest home for the past 2 weeks and should be returning home Tuesday. Though I like being by myself, packing all our stuff is tiring but I found THAT EVEN THOUGH HE IS SICK AND CAN'T HELP HIMSELF----I MISS HIM. I dont know if I helped you but I hope so.
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jacobsonbob Sep 2019
I suspect there is one important difference: from what you've written it appears your husband wasn't and isn't abusive. From what yatzeedog123 has written, she won't miss him due to this behaviour.
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I think it’s healthy for you to seek a normal life. To take care of others we need to be in good shape too. I’m inclined with others if finances are available for placement in Assisted Living. I would suggest a Probate or Elder Law Attorney. Divorcing could add more legal costs and please consider your Social Security and Tax position in that could be affected by that decision. You both deserve to be cared for.
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People here give good advice. It is hard enough when you DO love someone. It must be torture if you don't. Best wishes on your journey.
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Hi there, I was in an abusive marriage by a jealous control freak for 10 years- many years ago, these people are psychopaths, they care about nobody else but themselves. Get out ASAP while you still have some life to live and DONT LOOK BACK!!!!!!! Don’t get his permission, see an attorney, set something with his family and LEAVE !!! This is a very bad guy who happen to have dementia, you have put in your dues now it’s time for you.❤️
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TouchMatters Sep 2019
I'd be very careful calling people 'psychopaths' who are diagnosed with a dementia. People emotionally triggered entangle their anger and resentment with medical diagnoses of another.
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You sound similar to me. My husband always belittled me and thought he was better then me even though I had a Masters Degree. He also thought my family was below his. He cheated on me when I had two children ages 4 and 5. I forgave him for it and when we went through therapy. The therapist warned me upon our final therapy session that this might happen again.However, he promised to be a better husband. NOT. My husband always had the urge to be free and enjoyed his own company.That's what he said but he partyed a lot.
So that is B.S.Fast forward I am 62 years old and he goes to an an island to have a good time. I find out about it and decided to separate. We stayed together for the purpose of benefits. He lived separately from me and came home to help me with outdoor work. He cut down a tree on our property and the tree falls on him and he is now paralyzed. It has been a year and a half and I take care of him. I have divorced him but continue to care for him. He lives downstairs and I upstairs. I am in a quandry on what to do just like you. I too want my freedom. However, I feel guilty with what has happened. He is also depressed and I am afraid he will do something to himself. He is going for therapy for this. It seems that everyone has some good suggestions. I wish this didn't happen as I am sure you did with your husbands dementia. Just wanted to let you know that there are others who have these kinds of issues and feel your pain. I hope that with time we will find a way to solve this. Take care
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elaineSC Sep 2019
I read your story and you have resentment and I would too! Don’t you think you deserve a decent, happy life with some joy? He doesn’t feel guilty and didn’t when he cheated on you. Some men are like that. Cut him loose and move on. You have no obligations to a person who hurt you repeatedly. Now that he can’t cut the mustard, and run off partying, he expects you to attend to him? Noooooo. Run is what I say. He may even guilt you into taking care of him. Unless you want to have him under these circumstances.??
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Tough call here and one I cannot make for you. Sending prayers and hugs.
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TouchMatters Sep 2019
I sense she wants support due to feeling torn emotionally and psychologically, not to mention exhausted. I do not believe she is asking anyone to make a decision for her.
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Your questions sound like carbon copy of what I have just experienced. My divorce which took over a year and close to $10,000 was just completed. My exhusband becomes more childlike each day We separated about 3 years ago. This was good start to prevent the abusivness Two years later I explained to him that I wanted a divorce but nothing would change with us. I still cook and continued to clean his condo. Recently I hired a cleaning service and now someone local to take him out and check on him couple times a week if I am out of town. I think he understands but one cannot be sure. He seems happy but depends heavily on me. Calls many times during each day.
I suggested you start with separate living quarters and work toward separation and then divorce so you are not liable for his future assisted living costs.
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Hire a lawyer and get out of the marriage. You don’t need to take care of him. Get him into a facility or call APS. Go live your life. We only live once!!
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can he walk with you? Take baby steps, and try to jar his memory about events from the past. Or just walk an say nothing. It's okay. Deep down there is something.And can you imagine havings these symptoms? 24/7... Ask his doctor if you can have hospice or palliative care observation. It's too much for one person, it would be good if you had repreve. Cant hurt to ask. All they will say is no, but they may surprise you. Be nice, and calm, and say I need help. I am almost at the end of the rope here,.... Please Help.
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TouchMatters Sep 2019
In all due respect, take baby steps to what ?
With mental / cognitive / brain chemistry decline, a person will not change how they have been wired for decades. "Be nice, and calm" feels like telling a person to continue to be a door mat for / and continue to subject their self to another's abusive behavior. I presume, perhaps incorrectly, that you are telling this person to do what you do or have done, based on your own feelings about yourself and your partner. Everyone is different and no one must remain in an abusive relationship, period.
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Do what is in your heart.
Don't allow anyone here (or anywhere) to put a guilt trip on you; others who stay(ed) may feel they want to also leave and didn't / don't have the courage to do so. They may be psychologically torn due to religious beliefs.
If others stay with their partner/spouse till the end, that is their choice.
If you want to leave and create some happiness in your own life, you will find a way to do that. I, and so many others here, support your decision 110%.
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elaine1962 Sep 2019
TouchMatters she can have the best of both worlds! She doesn’t have to divorce him. She has been with him 50 years and probably have acquired some marital assets together. She will get everything when he dies. She can put him in a nursing home and she can live her life. Meet someone and travel with him. But she will benefit from the marital assets when he dies.
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You're not a monster, not at all, but I think you'll be sorry if you dump him now for the reasons you give. Fifty years is a lot of history to throw away.

Instead, first try getting more help with care so that you're not bound hand and foot to him and feel less tired, unloved, used and abused. Then have another think about the situation and where you want to go with it.
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yatzeedog123 Sep 2019
This is exactly what I'm going to do.  thank for your support.
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I have family members who have been married a long time. He got Alzheimer’s and his wife took care of him until she no longer could. Hr started getting mean to her and refused to bathe. She finally had to put him in a home for Alzheimer’s. She went on to live her life, played golf, played cards, went out with friends. She didn’t divorce him. He was a multimillionaire!! He died a year later in the nursing home. Why give up all the money? They were married for 60 years!! She’s living comfortably with all of the money, not just half the money!!! If she divorced him she would only get half the money!! Think it through!!!
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anonymous828521 Sep 2019
We get lots less than half, once the lawyers are done with us.
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Yes drewmass that’s what I’m talking about!! You summed it up perfectly. She can put him in a home, live her life, and inherit the marital assets when he dies!!!! I had several family members that did this. It’s a win/win for everyone involved!!
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CaregiverL Sep 2019
Yes, this sounds like the best way to go.
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TouchMatters: I know, right.
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Do you have a religious affiliation where you can go to for advice? Or contact your area Adult Senior Protective Services and ask for help. Abandoning the marriage at your age might be a mistake financially but it definitely sounds like you need help now. Perhaps your Dr or the neurologist has a social worker on staff who can help get you to the right agency.

If he has been diagnosed with dementia can you get him admitted somewhere for observation? Sounds like he can no longer care for himself and should be in a facility. What would happen to him if you became ill or incapacitated?

If you feel unsafe I would leave the house and call the police. Wait outside and let them into the house and let them take him to a hospital for diagnosis. You don’t have to take him home. Refuse to take charge of him, cite his abuse and your concerns for your safety. Do you have someone you can call to be with you? This will not be easy.

Be safe and be strong, the man you married is gone, look out for yourself. Let us know what happens, we care about you.
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yatzeedog123 Sep 2019
Thank you for your support.  He isn't physical with me, its all mental and has been for decades.  Ye he isn't the man I married.  Its hard for me to get him to bath.  When I try and catch him in the shower, he yells at me..  I don't think he understands what the bar of soap is for.  I do everything around the house plus take care of him.  He also isn't changing his clothes, can't operate anything electronic; his phone, his computer, sometimes has trouble with TV.  Remembers nothing.  I cannot leave him until he is totally dependent on someone.  This is so hard.  Its like  I can't live with him, and I can't leave him.  I believe if the shoe was on the other foot, I would be in a dementia facility.  its all about him and has always been that way
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I'm 65 - husband with Parkinson's & Lewy Bodies (a fun dementia causing result from Parkinson's) been together 40 yrs. He is 77. I SO WANT OUT of this situation - and I'm not sure what my biggest reason for not leaving is - Well, yes I do. We just moved to a beachfront condo that I do NOT want to leave. I've worked for 7 years to get here & we finally did - and our world turned upside down overnight. He fell 2 yrs ago and broke his hip - never recovered mentally or physically - He is NOT the same man he was at all. Long explanation short - he's turned into what all of us are hating and complaining about - an evil twin that has emerged and taken residence inside our loved one. We are the only thing they feel they still have a sense of control over - which we all know they don't, but they feel they do and treat us horribly.
So First reason I don't leave is that I would have to sell the beachfront condo. The second reason I don't leave is - "What will everyone think of me?" This is the one I wanted to write about. The thought of what everyone would say...........
Friends - real friends - and one doesn't need fake friends - Real friends know what you are going thru and know that it's killing YOU - What others say? The Hell with them - Anyone who thinks you are horrible for breaking the better or worse, sickness and in health vows - well, they are not in your shoes are they? They will gossip their say - and within minutes will be forgotten.
All I'm saying is, if worrying about what other people will say is a main reason for not leaving - You need to start believing in yourself again and do what's best for you and not worry about self centered nobodies.
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elaine1962 Sep 2019
Saldavi, you don't have to sell your beachfront condo. Stay in it!! Enjoy yourself in it. Find a facility to put your husband in. Who cares what anyone thinks of you. Do it for YOU!!! Don't get a divorce!! You would have to sell the beachfront house that you love and would only get half the money. Stay put and find a facility for your husband.
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Even if your husband was a loving, supportive companion to youpreviously, it is very hard physically, mentally and financially to take care of someone 24/7 with dementia.  That fact that he has been an ass for most of your marriage just adds fuel to the fire.  Sounds like he needs to be in some sort of a facility.  You didn't mention children...do you have adult children?  And if so, what is their take on everything?  Are they willing to help you get him somewhere that can provide the support he needs?  I have heard of people going the ER route when they don't have any other options.
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yatzeedog123 Sep 2019
James.  Thanks for your response.  There are no children and the family is mostly elderly so its just me.  Even though my love for him has died I cannot abandon him.  I will continue to take care of him and respect him.  When I can no longer handle the situation I most likely will seek out another avenue.
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You are not a monster!  I find my self in a strange situation with my 63 year old husband who had a stroke, has diabetes, and dementia.  He has been in assisted living for a year now, he is now in a wheel chair and is moved with a lift.  He can no longer stand on his own, the only thing he can do is feed himself.  I love this man and I am committed to taking care of him BUT I am only 53 and do not want to live a lonely life.  I have many hobbies and great friends but that is not enough.  I choose to share my life with a man that knows the situation, understands that my husband is a priority but life is short and I want to live it while I can.  My husband is unaware and my family is in support of me and my "friend"  we just don't speak the words out of respect for the man we all love.  My husband is a shell of the man we all knew and love, but we live for the good days.  You deserve some peace, as hard as it is, you have one life, live it!
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saldavi Sep 2019
That is a wonderful happiness you have been able to find and absolutely wish you happiness and luck-
Well said that your husband is but a shell of the man you knew and loved - So bottom line true - That man, that wonderful wonderful man, is no longer there -
Over the past 2 yrs, I have gone thru the grief of loss and now I'm going thru the anger of loss - I pray nightly that I soon enter acceptance and allow myself to move on mentally as best I can.
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Doing better than you, met in 5th grade and married 73 years. I am the 23 hour caretaker, for spouse, who is housebound now for 3 years. No question of my devotion, and care. No regrets that I can't get out. I believe in "Till death do us part "
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MargaretMcKen Sep 2019
Perhaps your DH is a nicer bloke?
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I have a question....why on earth are you with your husband if things have not been good for decades? He evidently has a lousy, rotten personality and for whatever reason, you decided to put up with it and now he has severe medical problems which are causing you great harm and distress, emotionally and physically? What on earth is wrong that you can't see the forest for the trees? You no longer owe him anything - that love went out the door years ago. Figure out what to do with him in terms of placement or a caretaker and then walk away - he has made his bed and so let him lay in it. Do NOT allow him to destroy you and take from you the life you have left. You are a fool if you allow that to happen. Don't wait. Seek help from the professionals and the advice of an eldercare attorney. Get away from him - sever your ties and start thinking of YOU and YOUR welfare.
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yatzeedog123 Sep 2019
Leaving for me isn't easy.  I care what happens to him and I will continue to care for him but I want my freedom.  I can't leave the house without going into detail of my whereabouts.  I've been to an eldercare attorney and all documents have been put into place.  My husband isn't totally gone and to think I would institutionalize him at this stage is unforgiveable.  I know what you say is most likely what I should do.  Just not yet.
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Get a caregiver that can come into the home. You can also look into respite care that provides relief for CAREGIVERS for short periods. Get a caregiver...you need a break.
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TouchMatters Oct 2019
This doesn't address the underlying and clearly stated plea "I want out of my marriage." Care providers can be arranged, of course, before - during- and after the marital relationship is decided upon.
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