I am really sick of talking about this and dealing with my parents and compassionately lying to my dad who has Alzheimer's. They constantly criticize me, even though they wanted me to be POA. I don't want to be the responsible one anymore. I just want to get in my car and drive away. I think it would feel so good to go away.
a super big smile and a laugh out loud just to think about it. We all have to take a big box of tissues and wear crazy clothes and stop at simple places to
just be free.
The Lord is my strength and my salvation and he uses others on the journey.
What keeps me form doing what you said that has crossed my mind a ton of times? Duty. She's my wife for better or worse. I made a commitment to her but also to The Lord. I'd hate myself if I left. At some point and it would grow and be a cancer in my soul.
I'd miss my kids, I'd miss my grandkids and my family. I'd hate what some of them thought of me... though I know many would understand... but they would also feel I walked away from them which I would have.
This is the hand I'm dealt with as you. I gotta believe The Lord has a plan here.
My advice? Get more help, take some more you time but don't quit. Your parents need you desperately. But get more help and get more time away to be a better you for you and them.
Remind me too as I forget the same.
Get more help, take some more you time but don't quit. Your wife needs you desperately. But get more help and get more time away to be a better you for you and her!!!.
While it sounds trite, and I am sure you have been given this advice many times before.... you absolutely HAVE to find a way to maintain being your own person. I don't know if your parents are living with you (hope not), but even if they do, you have got to find a way to detach some, and get outside help, if possible. I know it is so easy to say, and so hard to do, and also when you know it is not a total solution to the issues. But anything at all can be helpful. MY MIL lives with us, and I work from home, I have had to literally get in my car, ride to the end of our street and sit there a bit just to get out of the same space with him.
Older parents do not have a given RIGHT to treat you with disrespect, and I read this all of the time.... so many people taking care of parents who are just mean, uncooperative and unmanageable. While I do not profess to under the mind of the elderly, my human side says that they use it as an excuse to be mean, AND I might add that while some disagree, it is not the same as when they cared for you as a child, because children are to be taken care of by their parents (if the parents are worth anything that is). Adults with adult issues are not the same. Provided you had a good relationship growing up with them, I think it is a sound decision to, in turn, help them.... but that does not include being a whipping post.
Blessings and best of luck to you. While this does not offer a hard and fast solution, maybe it will uplift you some....
Mom trying to figure out how she will manage meds(not done too great before!) and was told she can no longer drive but did anyway. How do I stay away? Do I still go to Drs? I want to just change my name and run. Yes, I am POA, but I would expect her to change that soon. I am only surviving child.
and we breathe...
I feel your stress. And hope you can step away for awhile too
As to your description of dad: "he's always had explosive outbursts to my mother..and me..then is fine.", then you say you realize you are pushing his buttons - you may want to rethink that. If he's always done this to both of you, were either of you really pushing buttons? Even if you did, there's really no excuse for that behavior. Verbal/physical/psychological abuse generally leads the abused to think THEY are responsible for this. NO.
Why do I feel this way? My older brother was physically and verbally abusive to me when we were young. After we left the nest, went to college and later went our separate ways, these 'incidents' did not happen since we were not "together". The few times we might get together, it would be a family thing and we were not alone together, but it was not often, so this never came up over the years.
Since moving mom early last year, he has come up (2 day drive) several times to help clearing out the condo. All the other times he was here, he would sometimes get very testy, once threw an empty box at me and was nasty at times, but, like you said, later he was "fine." I did not recognize the pattern during those 'visits', but this last time he not only got very nasty, he physically threw me to the floor twice. Hurt my leg, seriously bruised my ankle. I ordered him out of my house. While packing he kept coming back to yell nasty things at me. Extremely nasty, verbally abusive things. He could not just pack his stuff and go. He should KNOW that I would be mad about being thrown to the floor, but no, he had to get the loudest nastiest words out and blame me! He had another week planned up here, so he stayed at the condo. A few days later he started coming back here with boxes of stuff from mom's - I would NOT answer the door (first time he got to my driveway just ahead of me - didn't realize it was him until he turned in, so I went to a neighbor's house instead. After an hour he was STILL here, so I went to get police escort - they had to take a statement and they wanted me to press charges! I declined saying once he is back home he won't be welcome back, ever. They wanted to call him after coming here and finding him gone. I also declined because I did not want to rile him up, just wanted him to finish his time and GO HOME!) Obviously the returns to my place were 'later' and now he too is 'fine', but I am NOT. I will not allow him in my house (he came several days in a row with stuff, so I asked other brother to tell him to go away as he was sitting here for an hour or more each time! I don't want him in my proximity. Other brother only told him I did not want any more stuff.) At this point I realize this is HIS issue, it never went away, it was just under the surface all this time, so I am DONE. It is who he is. I even made inquiries about other instances - his exwife and daughter, and I think perhaps HE drove the wife away and now know he has had incidents with my niece too. I told her what happened and told her to watch out for herself! Thankfully he does live 2 days away. I have NO plan to reunite or be around him or talk to him ever again! Forgive? Maybe. Forget? Not a chance. And he will never get a chance to do this to me again!
So, if your dad does/has done this explosive thing and then is fine, this is most likely what/who he is. Don't blame yourself.
Also, the "compassionate lying" thing. At first, it drove me nuts, too. That's not my preferred way of dealing with things. But I realized it's the best thing for my mother. It relieves her worry about certain things - worry has always eaten her alive - and in most cases, there's no harm done in doing that. Is it that it feels patronizing to you? I felt I was patronizing Mom, but her brain simply can't process like it used to (which, frankly, never was very good). And she's a critical, negative person, too.
I share DPOA with my brother and sister - we all three have a great relationship and there will none of the typical sibling rivalry fights when the time comes to start taking action. That's a help. But I think when you enact POA, there's not much turning back, so only take that step when it's necessary.
In the meantime, there's no harm in running away in your mind... look at websites, order brochures, and plan your ideal relief trip when this is over. Maybe that anticipation and excitement will get you over some hurdles. Good luck to you.
Bless you all.
Arguing , lying are not needed if you understand that usually there is no big issue for things they are used to .
Call Social Services. Senior Citizen help in your community for advice . Have them come to your home to view the stress level ..
You need help now .
If you are not an only child , hand the house keys and list of duties to your family so they can understand you are done as you leave for a new job where you have your home .
No warning because they won't listen and excuses and accusations will come .
After two years for the stress and with very little help from my brothers, I became very depressed. I spent almost three days thinking through options regarding the situation and trying to predict the outcome of my decision. Finally, it came up in conversation that she wanted to move. I used that as an opportunity to move her.
I have ave no regrets. It was the best thing for me and my marriage at the time. I still see mom twice a week and often take homecooked food.
My my mother had been critical all her life of me. But, I forgave her and moved in to take care of her until she passed under my watch.
I know now that I had done my duty as her daughter and I am at peace. Her issues where her issues not mine.
may peace be still for you.