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Tried breathing and don't work because she is out of breath because of her heart. and music is out cause she cant play a cd player. can't work one. I wish there was an easy player for her ... she cant use cell phone/same reason. new things, not going to work.
please ideas anyone on how I get music to relax her. radio has commercials... nerves agin. any real simple, cd players out there? or I tell her to close her eyes and think of the ocean. unless I am there she doesn't remember. any other iideas ...
also food. she drinks ensure chocolate but wont eat foods I send and put in freezer. forgets to defrost. then its hard to put to a plate, etc. bring in meals so unhealthy. someone said finger foods, but what? thanks to u all.

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Jumie, regarding music.... one can still purchase an old fashioned record player brand new and vinyl records. It's my understanding that us old timers still know how to use one !!

You can get the vinyl records off the Internet or if you live close to a Goodwill, they will sell these records pretty cheap. I was surprised when I saw these records while visiting our local Goodwill.... it was like going back into time :)

Not knowing the age of your Mom, if she is over 65 she might enjoy Perry Como or Andy Williams.
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Jumie I think you've done what you can with the situation as you describe it. You're a loving daughter and your hands are tied. So you need to take care of yourself and your own health in this situation. You can't get your sister or your mom to act if they don't want to. So do what you can and know that you've done enough. Hugs to you - you're in a very difficult position!!
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June, how does she know how the carers are getting paid, whether they are private or Medicaid? That's just a thought. I've heard of folks introducing caregivers as a friend, a friend of a high school friend, etcetera. I've also heard of someone saying they were hiring a "laundress", an old fashioned term which in that elder's mind, made it okay for someone of a different background to be in their house.

This must be so very heartbreaking for you. I'm sorry that your sister can't stand up to mom when the hospital says "she can't be alone". That's the point where your sister is going to have to say " mom, would you rather go to x or y nursing home, because otherwise they are going to put me in jail for neglecting you". No, they probably wouldn't , but I think sometimes you need to do some therapeutic fibbing to get an elder what is safe.
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Yes, Medical POA (medical proxy). sorry if I was not clear. This whole thing with family that does not communicate is really hard. Just to say, I came here because we have had crises. Three hospitalizations for not taking her meds. Told my sis this, hospital knew this and said "she should not be alone", but when you are poor (aka Medicaid) they not in a rush to help you. I do all I can and financially hb and I have done and do do now as much as we can. But, we cant pay for assisted living and if we could? she would lose Medicaid. She wants maybe would accept a private carer cause she says "yes, maybe that would work", but on top of everything else, it's too much money to ask of hb as he is retiring. Feel guity but can't use all of our savings either. anyway, she would lose Medicaid even if her kids could pay. I forget what its called. so she is always angry at me and nothing I say or do is right. its' would yu want strangers in yur house? yes, mind my own business. I don't know how because I love her. I don't expect anyone to respond. I started this asking for ways to calm her. I will try what yu suggested. at this point, I pray a lot. I believe that you have to do the work and then pray, but how? Thanks so much for taking the time. It means a lot ....
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So, your sister has Medical Power of Attorney (aka Medical Proxy) as well as POA? That is a different matter if that is the case. Perhaps even more limiting is your mother's refusal to go to a doctor with you.

Here is what you can do: Not much.

Sorry. This reminds me of the person from a social services agency who was on here a few years back and said she had a drawer full of files marked WFC -- Waiting for Crisis. Sometimes you can't act until the person actually does hurt herself or some other crisis brings matters to a head.

If she is not obviously impaired enough for APS to consider her a "vulnerable adult" and she will not accept medical help, I guess you'll have to step back and label this WFC. Very sad, but we value freedom and independence extremely highly and we rightly make it difficult for one adult to have control over another. Very understandable and necessary, but it sure makes helping impaired-but-still-competent elders difficult!

On the calming her down question, have you tired leaving music on all day, so she doesn't have to change it or turn it off, etc., as some posters suggest? She has a medical problem and she needs medical treatment for her "nerves," but I don't blame you for trying some home-grown methods.

How about a "fidget apron" with zippers and buttons and pockets to keep the hands busy? Some people find that kind of activity calming. You can find these online.

What about something cuddly? A very soft plush animal to hug and rub is soothing to some people (like me!)

Let us know if you find something that helps. We learn from each other.
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Jeannegibbs: My sister has POA and my mom will not go with anyone else to doctor. Lots of times she does not go with my sis. She just says she is too ill to go. the doctors told me many times when I was in the ER that I am not a "point" person and they cannot discuss the issues with me. My sister has legal authority. She wont go and she wont take the pills. I would leave my sister out except that she has total and complete control. My mom is not incompetent and wont go with anyone but her. Its kind of hard to talk about the issue and leave my sis out of the discussion.
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What does your sister have to do with what doctors your mother sees? POA does not have authority over that. The POA role is to pay the medical bills when they come in. But with Medicaid that should not be a factor.

If you can get her to go, take your mother to a "special doctor who can help with your nerves" -- a geriatric psychiatrist. Leave your sister out of the discussion.
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I hear you loud and clear. I can't force her to do a thig cause she is a free agent, says APS. She can refuse anytying because she is competent and docs wont look at it as dementia. Tried. They think she has depression ... she wont take meds. I am an adult but I cant force another adult who has the right to do this (not incompetent) to do a thing. Believe me, this denial stuff with sis is off the wall. I will send another letter to the doc. She (doc) never answers. Yes she has Medicaid, but she wants private carers. That's the problem and where I llive that can run over $200 per day. Medicaid wont send people anymore because she doesn't answer door and phone and IF she does she tells them she is going to live with her granddaughter or with me or whatever she thinks up. no one sees it.
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sickofit1 - one of you is going to have to be the adult who makes changes happen, and it's not going to be your mother.

If your mother doesn't have the money to private pay, then that's what they invented Medicaid for. You don't pay with your money.

Seriously, I went through all this with my mother. She was on 7 kinds of meds for her "nerves". Her "nerves" problem was really chronic anxiety plus bi-polar and also dementia. Mom was eating rotten food, taking pills whenever or not at all, not bathing, not washing dishes or clothes, etc. The smell in her house was something I can't describe.

There came a day when what "momma wanted" wasn't what would keep momma safe, clean, fed, and healthy. She could no longer think or make good decisions, so I had to take over.

No, she didn't want me to. Yes, she threw tantrums and acted like a bratty child, but it did not matter. Her sisters ignored what was going on and were the opposite of helpful.

I personally didn't want Adult Protection coming after me for elder abuse and neglect, so I did everything possible to keep that from happening.

My mom wouldn't allow help in her house either, but you know what? IT DID NOT MATTER. I moved this woman to be near me and she has progressed from being in a monitored apartment to the nursing care wing and is now in the dementia unit in hospice care. Left on her own, she would have probably died long ago.

Again - what's worse - momma's fits or momma falling and dying alone in her house because nobody was brave enough to do the right thing?

You and your sister can make changes happen. You have to want to first and get over momma being mad at you. That will all pass, I promise. There's much worse things in this world than momma being mad because you're taking care of her needs.
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Mama don't want public carers in (Medicaid) . says they come all hours and do nothing. I cant push it. Don't think hub can afford more than we do now for private carer and even then, she may not go for it. So worried here. Maybe Im imagining that she is losing it. Maybe I am losin it. She never had Medicaid in her life till everthing ran out. Not out to take things from people.
Not taking her meds. Hospitalized 3 times for not taking. doesn't want to take it. forgets. I don't know anymore. so stressed im going nuts myself. don't know if it's dementia or what? Yeah, they know she wont allow help in. She sent a great nurse away. Tells others not to come in. Don't answer the phone. Says they make her nervous calling and coming at all different hours. I don't know.
no diagnosis that she is "impaired" and so its her right. that's why Im sick ot it, not or her.
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She won't let anyone into her home, but you want to spend money to send more help? I'm confused.

You might think about calling APS. Your sister sounds like she perpetuating neglect. You are soing all that you can, but with dementia, there's just so much you can do.

When she falls and ends up in the hospital, make sure that discharge planners know she lives alone and won't allow help in.
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Cant afford assisted living. wont go to nursing home I get this.. Wont let home care service in. Sis has POA and isn't buying it that she needs better doc. . No, she lives alone. Personal reasons I cant have her live with me. Sister controls it all. My sis doesn't respond to my emails about her memory and stuff. cant force her to have people in and I can't go live with her. so scared now. yeah and sending cottage cheese, regular cheese, milk (don't drink it). She has congestive heart falure .. feeling so helpless here. guilty too. doing my best, but not enough. sorry for sp and typing dylexia. not doing enough even tho I know I am doing my best. makes no sense. so sorry for posting. maybe im not really a caregiver.
ok: am doing yogurt and bananas .. thx. and cottage cheese. salt is out, so no tuna. going to talk to hubby and see if enug money to send someone more often. problem is that if Medicaid knows it, she losees Medicaid if family helps.
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Some TV stations are all music, can you leave it on when you are away from the house? Or, you can load a laptop with music she would enjoy and leave it play.

If she can open ensure, how about yogurt? Bananas? Tuna pouches - just need a scissor. Really you might get better input if you described the living arrangements, etc.
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It sounds like she shouldn't be living alone. Have you looked at Assisted Living facilities?

No amount of music, breathing etc., calmed my mom. Antidepressants and antianxiety medication did. Get her to a geriatric psychiatrist for evaluation.
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