My whole life it has been about owing her for having me and such guilt trips. Only through the posts I have read on here, have I been able to put a label on the problem as narcissistic. This is only getting worse with her dementia. I am an only child with a half-brother, who refuses to have anything to do with her anymore. And a half-sister, whom after 20 years of not speaking to us, has decided to talk to me again. After we started talking did my sis decided that she has left the burden on my shoulders much too long. I didn't blame her for living her life and getting away when she could, I would have been better off if I had taken her advice and done the same. However, I was 20 yrs younger than her & didn't believe the things she told me about my mom could be true. (That she was crazy and only cared about herself). Now I am not sure about my sis's motives and she lives 2000 miles away, but she talks to mom which does help. Last time mom didn't get her way when I took her shopping for 3 hrs in walmart and she wanted to go 2 more places, and I said I had to get home, she started cursing me. I told her that she always does this to me, nice while she is getting her way and then she turns on me. She then informed me that I hadn't seen anything yet!! All the way home she kept yelling at me and telling me to let her out of the van. She was cursing me and even started kicking me while I was driving her home. (This is not the first time she had been physical w me). However, much to my surprise she called my over-the-road truck driving husband, and said I had hit her and kicked her while driving her home from town! Also, that I had tried to force her out of the van and I was parked right on the edge of a cliff! Thank God my husband realizes how my mother tries to control me and he informed me he knew I wouldn't do those things. Unfortunately, I refused to be alone w her and she managed to take the local transit to her doctor's office. The doctor, of course is a mandatory reporter, and my loving mother told him the same horrible story that she told my husband! And of course, I was investigated and it was unfounded, but the damage she has done to me and my name never ends! I forgot to mention that she turned me in for financial abuse at the same time. Mom's doctor who will not admit on paper that there is anything wrong with her. Instead said, maybe the person investigating this could get the ball rolling towards getting some help for her. Why can't he...he is her physician?! And I have had conversations with him and wrote a letter to him explaining her behaviors, my concerns and asked for some guidance or help! All he said is that she should definitely not handle her own finances and that he knew I didn't do those things to my mom. He sees how I am with her when I bring her to doctor appts, but he had to report it. So, I once again gave her checkbook and bills back to her since she insisted that I was stealing from her and that she could take care of her finances. I told her if she gets everything messed up and is about to get electricity shut off for non-payment, etc. like she has done before, not to ask me to help. She informed me that would not be a problem, at least she would have money now. Nine months later she was begging me to take over her finances once again. She told me that she shouldn't be taking care of anything as messed up as her mind was and that I knew that. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't pay her bills for her, I knew her health wasn't good and she couldn't do it! So, being the good daughter I am, I reluctantly took over again with stipulations this time...no more accusing me of stealing, no more insisting I will not let her have any of her money and the first time she did this, I would be done! She agreed.....and now, she tells my husband that she doesn't have the 500.00 left over every month like she did when she pd her bills and doesn't know where her money is going. My husband tells her that I am only paying her bills with her money and that the money is in her account. She recently told him that I am the only one using that account and anything she needs, she pays for with cash. I can't help but feel she is setting me up for something! We can not get along and she called me a M*#$@r F*%#&r the other day when I confronted her about be untruthful. I will not put up w that and haven't been having anything to do with her. So, now she informed my husband that if I can't talk to her, then we will be enemies! Personally that is fine, I finally realize after years of physical/mental abuse, that she has done more damage by telling anybody that will listen, how I steal her money, abuse her, took her drivers license away so she can't see anyone or go anywhere, than my enemies have ever done! What can I do with my 85 yr old mother that blames every problem on me & makes me feel as if she hates me? Thanks for your time & sorry I rambled on.
Mom spent 4 days in a psychiatric hospital, I called and checked on her daily. She had court on Monday and Sunday the attending physician called to let me know that he was recommending that mom be released. He felt she had some confusion and early dementia signs. He felt that there was nothing wrong with her that he could recommend keeping her in a facility for.
On the way to court my hubby sd that this whole thing was bound to make mom have a change in attitude and he had faith things would be better. He asked what was wrong with me and I told him that I couldn't help feeling like "my hell" was starting all over again and I didn't want to go through it anymore! I didn't think that I could.
Bringing her home from court she did nothing but complain about not having her comb, clothes, makeup, etc. However, she sd she had made me a pic frame one day in crafts but didn't get to get it before she left. Then she sd that it really wasn't that bad there! It wasn't as bad as she thought it would be and everyone was very nice! After she got home she slept most the afternoon. My hubby went up in the evening and he told mom that things were not going to be the same way they had been. The argueing had to stop because it was too hard on me. The lies and accusations also had to stop! Mom informed him that he loved me soo much, that I could sh*t in the middle of the floor and he wouldn't see it! He sd he would, but probably think there was a reason I had done it! She also sd that she knew I had threatened her and still believed I would beat the sh*t out of her.
When my hubby got back home, he told me what she had sd. I told him that nothing had changed and we were right back where we started, except for the fact that she got her way and I had to go to court and talk to her!
My husband left on the truck the following day and as I left to go to work, mom called. She sd she couldn't find her bible and she was climbing the walls. She sd she was lost without her bible and asked if I knew where it could be? She sd she couldn't stand being alone with no one to talk to. Then she went on to say that her home-healthcare nurse wasn't very nice this a.m. and the housekeeper that is there for 2 hrs per wk, had an attitude! I explained I had already left for work and would call and see if my hubby knew where her bible went to. I also sd that she at least had seen and talked to 2 different people this a.m. (nurse & housekeeper), and she sd she wanted to be around some "real" people! Her bible was left in the van and she was able to get it.
The next day she didn't call me but did call my hubby several times. He told me that she kept saying how she enjoyed being around people and wished she could go back where she was. I told my hubby that I was thinking about resigning all my POAs and trying to enjoy what I could, of what was left of my life. He sd he understood and whatever I wanted to do was fine, but he thought it was going to be ok. He still thought mom would change.
Today was mom's 85th birthday and it started off with a bang...mom called and sd that she wanted to go to Senior Solutions at the hospital. She sd a nurse had called her and talked to her about going 2xs a week, she would be picked up and get to do crafts, etc. with other seniors, then brought home. Then the nurse told her that the insurance she had now wasn't accepted by them so she couldn't go. She told me that I had changed her ins. and she wanted her old ins. back right now because she wanted to go do activities, etc! She gave me the # for the nurse and sd to call her. I reminded her that last year we were trying to get her enrolled in the very same program but she wouldn't give me her ins. info. the 6 times I asked for it because she wasn't speaking to me. If she had, she would already be going.
I also reminded her that she asked me to see what ins. would be best for her when open enrollment had come around, and I sd I didn't know anything about the ins and didn't want to handle it. However, I sd I would help her and I made an appt. with the lady who handled this at the community center for the elderly. The day of the appt. mom refused to go and I had to go take care of it and before anything was changed I talked it over w mom and she agreed to go with a diff ins.
Well, I called and spoke with nurse and then called mom back. Meanwhile, mom had called hubby and asked if I was going to call the nurse and sd she didn't like it when I always had to change things without her knowledge! --My husband came inside and heard me talking to the nurse. When I was done I called mom while my husband sat at the table with me. I explained that I spoke with the nurse and they only accepted medicare/medicaid, and that open-enrollment wasn't for another 8/9 mo., then I could change her ins. Until then the nurse was having the behavioral therapist get ahold of mom and see if there wasn't something that mom could get into. --Mom told me she wanted it changed now so she could do activities!! Then she proceeded to throw a fit and I put my phone on speaker. I asked her to repeat what she just sd cuz my phone cut out. She asked why I was drilling her, wouldn't repeat it, sd I heard her, then sd she forgot, then sd she hoped to see how i was when I was her age!! I explained that all I wanted was for her to be happy and that I couldn't understand how she couldn't remember what she just sd, but could remember things that weren't true...like when she sd I threatened to beat the sh*t out of her supposably! She then sd, so you admit it!! I replied that I wasn't admitting to something she made up and told everyone to make me look bad, like she always does. She blamed me for her not having any friends and all the normal stuff...I told her "Happy Birthday" and I want you to do whatever you want if it will make you happy. I just want you to be happy, then maybe I can be too. I hung up then.
2 hrs later while outside, I sd. " SOB!" My hubby asked what was wrong......there is an ambulance coming up the road, I replied. I assumed I knew where it was going...and I was right! Then the sheriff came, so my hubby went back to mom's. The sheriff sd she called and told them she didn't feel well so they were checking it out. When my hubby walked in my mom was telling them she wanted to go town and do activities. She then told my husband to go outside so she could talk to them alone. He stepped out with 1 sheriff and gave him a quick run down on what had been going on. The sheriff sd he would stop and talk to us when he left mom's and for my hubby to go ahead and go home.
The sheriff stopped by and sd they were taking her to hospital & that we should speak with the attorney asap if I wanted to resign my POAs, and get something figured out. He sd he understood what I was going through and the hospital would let us know what was going on after they checked her out.
I couldn't believe it! I told my husband I was calling for an appt. with mom's attorney right then! I sd I couldn't do this anymore, she was obviously still making wild accusations about me and we had to get something done. When I called, I was informed by the sec. at the attorneys office that mom had called several times since she got home and while she was in the hospital for 5 days she had called the bank and sd I was stealing $ from her acct. and wanted to close it. The bank mngr. then called the attorney and sd he had looked and there was nothing out of the ordinary being wrote out of the accnt. and asked what he should do? The attny's office sd not to close it.--I begged for an appt. tomor. and I got one.
The hospital called for us to pick up mom, that there was nothing wrong with her, but there was some discharge instructions. My husband went since I had my grandbabies. When I got home, my hubby came walking down from mom's. He told me that the discharge instructions were to call my mom's daughter (that lives 2000 miles away) so she could make different living arrangements for mom! Mom informed them that she was scared of me and didn't want to stay in the house without someone else there! My hubby went off on them...he sd that her daughter hadn't spoke to her in 20 yrs and that I had Medical POA. They sd they weren't getting in the family probs., but that was what was to be done. Hubby sd fine, but so you know...my wife is done being abused by this woman!
Hubby sd. on the way home he told mom that what she was doing to me was wrong. He told her that I always did what was best for her and would never hurt her. He informed her that he heard the conversation today and that I didn't lie to her. Mom told him that I could have at least sd "Happy Birthday"! He told her I did and she refused to believe it! She sd he was going to leave on truck tomor. so she better go stay at a motel in town. He informed her that he wasn't leaving and he was taking her home!
My hubby apologized to me for thinking things would change, also for not realizing what I had been through sooner!
I am resigning tomor. when I see the attorney......I am hurt, relieved, confused, mad, astonished and .... hoping I can really walk away and heal.... without looking back!
I will post what happens. Hugs to all of you and thank you for your support, you have helped me sooo much!
So sorry your Mom is so very ill. I am not sure, did anyone mention checking for a UTI when an elderly person's behaviors escalate like this?
What you have described, her behaviors, sounds like you have had an enemy all along.
I hope you can stop giving in to her.
I'm sorry you have been your mother's mental slave. She shamed you into caring for her because she birthed you. Big damn deal! She had sex with your father and got pregnant. A baby is born 9 months later. Your parents knew that having sex produces babies, their responsibility.
My mother was separated but still legally married to her first husband when she met my dad at a "cocktail party". They did the wild thing, she got pregnant (me) and she married my dad while she was still married to husband #1! Yes, a bigamist. Does that mean I owe her my entire life 'cause she screwed up? Heck no. You don't either.
My mother is narcissistic also. Always the best for her-always. She was determinad to be important and recognized, having been a poor kid from North Dakota.
Of course my mom didn't have any more children-(I'm an only child too)- because narcissistic women want all the attention for themselves. She relished all the attention, boozed it up a lot, called herself "baby" and got the looks from anyone wearing pants.
You said the narcissism has gotten worse....yes it will...*until* she reaches the later stages of the disease. Then, like MidKid's mom, mother "lost" the narcissistic traits and is really kind of nice (stage 6 Alzheimer's). Where I used to get putdowns, I now get compliments. I kinda' don't know how to take them. They're nice to hear but it's a first for "her highness".
We have learned, by our mothers lessons, that we are worthless and only there to serve their needs.
Can you see how much of a doormat you are to her? She can cuss at you, kick you, lie about you and threaten you and you have continued taking it. She has reduced your self-esteem to nothing.
We all need therapy-with a therapist especially trained in manipulation. It is the best money you will ever spend. You must get on track-believing that you are a worthy person. You must see her behavior for what it is....abuse! What kind of mother does these kinds of things? A mentally ill one with no conscience.
Because we've been "indoctrinated" at birth, we need to remove ourselves from their presence while we start on the road to recovery.
My mother also turned me into Adult Protective Services through her doctor and friends. I had no idea. APS investigated her claims that I threw her on the floor, stole her money and medicines, tried to initiate incest and lied to her!! They realized she was demented but NEVER contacted me. I found out through the senior apt. manager. They were too busy to call me, wow.
You mentioned you were the "good" daughter. Yeah, we have to live up to their expectations but what we don't realize is that we'll NEVER be good enough.
You need to write a list of all the great things about you and you need to read it out loud every day. You need to believe it.
I don't understand her doctors behavior but go to another doctor. She needs to be evaluated by a geriatric neuropsychologist. They will find she has mental illness and dementia. That should be enough, coupled with the threats and physical violence against you to get her committed in a locked Memory Care or psychiatric facility receiving the proper medication to calm her anger. If you need to, file charges against her. Do not worry about what she thinks.
I'm kind of wondering why your husband hasn't been more aggressive in having her stay away from you? Could be he's on the road and unable to see it all. Maybe you intervened on her behalf because of guilt.
If you continue to be involved with her, you will stay in her sickness as a codependent and it could affect your marriage.
These people are toxic. I visit my mother once a week in a Memory Care facility. She's a lot different now. She doesn't know who I am or who she is or where she is. No more narcissism. Now, just a sad 95 year old who has no mind anymore. I feel sorry that she never got to experience real love and the rest of human emotions (compassion, respect, etc).
Get your life back and start enjoying it. Stay away from your mother.
Make sure someone has her get the help she needs.
My mom is refusing any real help from me. Combative and I am actually scare of her and for her...my health is declining. Doing what I can for mom for her safety and health and trying to get help too. But we have little funds and mom doesn't get that she needs supervision. from what I seen of her the week she has been home is that she is progressing what she is going through. She is somewhere in stage 5 maybe stage 6. but with so maybe health stuff going on its hard to tell. She nitpicks me and accolades herself.
But anyway, I do feel for you,
{{{{{hug}}}}}}
By allowing the state to take over her care, 100%, you are then able to visit without the ability to do anything to help her in any way, ie, you can't be bullied into taking her home or into moving her to another facility. You can be her daughter only. You can make the decision to stand up and leave when she's ugly. You can make the decision not to visit if you like. You will not have an obligation.
Likewise, I suggest resigning any POAs she's given you and file those resignations with the courthouse so you can't be sued for breach of duty or something. If she rents the land or trailer from you, evict her. Separate your lives from her, and have nothing to do with the evil.
I had to go no contact with my own mthr 8 years before she failed physically and we put her in a home. My husband was also the one she loved most - she thought she had him fooled that she was the loving mother with a crazy daughter he was married to, and she did try to break us up over and over. I spell that mthr because it is missing vowels. Mthr was also missing something very important inside - the ability to care about anyone other than herself.
My heat goes out to you! All that abuse and nobody else to spell you from it....
My own mother was VERY angry all my life, growing up. So odd, now, because she's old and tired and actually can be kind of sweet. She's NOT the mother I grew up with.
But, wow, when she gets mad, better run for the hills!
I do hope your mother is institutionalized and medicated for her own safety as well as yours. Like my mother, she sounds pretty sick.
Yesterday I was at her house, just doing some small stuff for her, and the subject f depression came up. (She was massively depressed all my life, barely functional for long, long periods of time) and she said "I don't know why all you kids (6 of us) have had mental health problems. Nobody in my generation did." After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I said "Well, maybe now people are more willing to work on themselves so they can function and live with depression and anxiety. It's not a dirty word. It's nothing to ashamed of".
Really, until just a few years ago I just couldn't bear to be around my mother. It's a struggle now. She has routinely given me the boot and while she has never been physically abusive (aside from throwing things at me a couple of times) I don't expect to have a lovey-huggy relationship with her, ever.
Yes, our mothers gave us "life" but then what kind of LIFE did they give us? I'm 61 and still working out the complexities of my relationship with her.
And when mother gets too much for me, I DO stay away.
Find a good therapist. Best money I ever spend each month.
And you - need a therapist's couch to learn to let go of all the garbage from your mother.
Do what your half brother and sister do. Stay away from this toxic woman.
You said your guilt is that she gave you life and you have to help her. Not in your case. Your mother gave life and she's been feeding off that life ever since. Only monsters do that.
Enough! And don’t give in. You quit.
I was following your story, and surely would like to know how you are doing with your mom. I understand something of what you are going through; but just when I think I have it bad with the parent issue, I see others going through such hardships with them, that I want to reach out to you and say I pray you don't feel alone. Feel blessed you have what sounds like a good husband; imagine if you were there alone with her living back there. She is definitely not well, and I pray she is getting the help she needs. But most of all, I want you to know you deserve to freely live your life and a peaceful one at that! It's what I feel like I'm up against now; but this website has helped me get over that hump from the "what" I do know needs to happen, to the "how" to make it so. I can tell you feel better coming here too, so keep posting, and in turn keep us posted so we can be here for you. *Hugs*.
Countrymouse- I will be the first to admit my husband may not be the best communicator , but for some reason my mom has chosen him to rely on whenever her & I are having issues. For that I am thankful. As far as the hospital, I have wrote letters, asked the doctor what could be done, where to start or for any help he could give me?! He just sd his hands were tied and would speak to her attorney. Nothing happened after all that, and trust me I didn't let them forget I still needed help.
I do appreciate everyone's help, it means alot and did help. I will keep everyone posted. I have a lot of mixed emotions right now but I am sure it is normal.
Best wishes to you. {hug}
Given what you've told us today and earlier, I'm at a loss to understand how the ER concluded there was "nothing wrong."
Get on the phone to your mother's doctor, tell him/her exactly what you've told us, and ask for advice on how you get your mother's mental state evaluated. Your mother is at risk of harming herself, for example by crying wolf once too often, and she is a menace to you, your family and the wider community. The lady needs psychiatric help, NOW.
Mom called & woke me Sat. morning saying that she was dying! She was hot and her cat kept her up all night! She told me I needed to get up there and do something for her right now! (she lives behind me about 200 yrds in her own home). This is a common practice if I haven't had anything to do w her...either an ER trip or she spills her weekly organizer of pills and I straighten them out. Either way, I jump & run.
She called back when I didn't go and I reminded her that I was expecting and apology for calling me names. She sd she didnn't care what she did, that she was dying! I informed her I wasn't coming & I hung up. Minutes later the sheriff and an ambulance showed up. My husband went to make sure everything was o.k. The first thing they all asked was if she had dementia because she just kept saying how her cat kept her up all night.They took mom to the ER and again, so I wouldn't be giving in to her behavior, my wonderful husband went. They found nothing wrong ww her & he brought her home.
About 30 min later mom called my husband and sd she had dropped her organizer of pills and wasn't going to take them since they were a mess. So, I decided to call my daughter-in-law who is an RN & see if she would straighten them out? As my son and his wife came up the road a sheriff beat them to my mom's driveway. My kids stopped and waited a few and my husband went up to see what was wrong. When he walked in he heard mom say,"I know she will come up here tonight! I know she will!" My husband asked what was going on? She told him that she knew I would go up there that night, then she told my husband to leave.
My kids went up there and mom had asked the sheriff to take her to a motel so that I couldn't go up there. Apparently she had her life-long friend on the phone and had convinced her that I was going to hurt her, her friend had called the sheriff. My daughter-in-law got on the phone and tried to talk to her but sd there was no convincing her that mom was having health probs.
The sheriff listened to her and then excused himself. My kids stayed and straightened her medication out. The whole time she was saying she needed to go to a motel and stay. They refused to take her and tried to calm her down. When they returned to my house my daughter-in-law sd,"I don't know what has gotten into her, but if I was you I would leave on the truck with your husband. That way you aren't around here if something should be said"! And she meant it. She also stated that my mom didn't remember seeing my husband, or going to the ER a few hours ago. Mom thought that had all happened the day before. They sd she was very confused!
About an hour after they left my mom called my husband, she wanted the papers she left in the car. He sd he would take them up tom. She asked if he was upset & he explained that he was. She then informed him that I had told her a few days ago that I was going to go up there and beat the s@#t out of her! My husband sd he didn't believe it and I would never do that and hung up!!
Things are getting worse...help!
The other thing that's just as nuts is confronting her about her behaviours and trying to extract a "promise" from her that she will stop telling lies and making unfounded accusations. She's *nuts*. How can you possibly expect her to assess, reflect on and amend her behaviour?
You have to decide what you are prepared to do for your mother regardless of your mother's input. I'd be inclined to agree with Jeanne and Barb in that personally I wouldn't want to touch this job with a stick. But have a rethink starting out from the point that your mother is not rational and see if you could work round that. And liaise with APS in any case - they can be a great resource for you.
Your name has been cleared by APS; you have nothing to fear from them. Reporting that she is a vulnerable adult to them is probably a good idea.
I don't have a narcissistic parent. Many people on this forum do, and I'm sure some will share their insights and advice with you. And you will get good suggestions for reading material. I'm just going to offer more general observations.
1, Your mother's mental illness is Not Your Fault. Your mother's unloving behavior is Not Your Fault. Your mother's estrangement from her other children is Not Your Fault. This should be self-evident, but since you grew up on a constant guilt trip it might be worth saying out loud. This situation is Not Your Fault.
2. " she informed my husband that if I can't talk to her, then we will be enemies!" And what are you now? Best buddies? She is your enemy now. How would it be different if she puts that label on it?
3. You deserve all the help and support you can gather to deal with this. I hope you find support on this forum. Please also consider some mental health counseling for yourself. You deserve help!!
4. You need to set boundaries, and in this situation I think they are going to have to be pretty drastic. Then you need to ENFORCE those boundaries. If you say you will not tolerate her swearing at you, then hang up when it starts. If you say you are not going to handle her finances, don't take the checkbook back. I'm sure this will be extremely challenging to do. It is an area where an objective outsider trained in counselling can be very supportive.
5. Be very careful not to open yourself to charges of abandonment, by going through the right channels. If you have POA or medical POA, formally resign those positions. Put it in writing to her doctor that you will no longer be doing X, Y, and Z for her. What agency investigated her abuse claims? It might be good to inform them of the change in your role. You don't owe anybody an explanation and you certainly don't need to justify yourself. Don't ask permission. Just inform those who need to know that you are no longer doing X for your mother.
6. It sounds like your mother has had a mental illness all her adulthood. I doubt she ever asked for it or would choose it now if she had options. I understand that narcissism is extremely hard to treat, because first the person has to recognize there is something wrong and want to change it. I feel sorry for your mother and other people like her. Mental illness is very sad indeed. But being sympathetic is not the same as allowing her to ruin other people's lives.
7. I doubt that your mother hates you. I also doubt that she loves you. This is not about you, and it never has been. This is exclusively about Mother and how everything in the world relates to her. Remind yourself over and over again, this is Not Your Fault.
Again, hugs to you. I know you'll get good insights from others here who have dealt with similar situations.
I am very sorry to hear about everything you have gone through. There is a lot on your shoulders and I know you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation.
Please know we are all here to listen and support each other. Have you tried talking to a social worker, family therapist, family doctor? There are resources in the community and through church.
It is hard for one person to do it all no matter how much we try. I too have always tried to appease my mother and my father. Years went by and I just tolerated it, but I realize how much anger and resentment it has caused. It is not healthy and I worry for you.
I hope you will reach out and consider looking at other options for your mom and find a better balance.
Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.